Florence

For some reason, one year sober was the magic number for me. People generally say that after one year of recovery you should be pretty solid.

That was the number I always had in my mind when i approached my AH. This last time, when I discovered the latest relapse, I just knew I didn't have another year in me.

When I first started coming here, someone asked me how long I thought I could keep living like that, always in limbo, ruled by his bad moods, the continued lying and deception. A year? Another five years?

LaTeeDa

It's your life. How much of it are you willing to sacrifice? That answer varies from person to person, but in general, when you are done, you will know it. There is no statistical average that I know of when you can be relieved of the discomfort of a bad relationship. If you're done, you're done. If you're not, you're not.

L

Shellcrusher

Good luck with the cerebral stuff.

I found that I was at the height of my own codependency when I was counting her drinks, her snorts, her drunk drives, her sober days.
It still triggers me when she does these things, but I'm no longer tied to figuring out her cycles. I just make note of it and move on with my own plan.

Hammer

That is the way a platoon rolls.

She is a smart kid. A little too smart in some regards. Taught herself to read at three years old and cleaned out the library psych section when Mrs. Hammer was heading to rehab.

Real deal is we all love Mrs. Hammer. And would all like her to recover. Just have not seen much of her around lately. Dunno if you followed the background in other posts, but we are dealing with much more than just Alcoholism / Addiction etc. More along the lines of Brain Hardware Mental Illness.

The Alcohol, Drugs, Cutting/Self-Injury, Eating Disorder, etc. are just tools Mrs. Hammer has used to keep the Mental Illness in check. When rehab took that away she is basically dealing with undiagnosed and untreated Mental Illness.

At this point the kid is afraid of Crazy Mommy, and just what she may do. "Don't let mom take us to the woods" is an actual no joke phrase used between the kids and to me.

Hammer

I guess you really are not following this. And that is fine.

We are WAY past all that. She has been out of rehab for 7 months. No relapse. That is a miracle in itself. I am working my (Alanon) program hard.

Mrs. Hammer is nutty. Talking about Mental Illness. Sometimes called Dual Diagnosis, she just lacks the label. That may become stable, it may not.

I understand that you do not have knowledge nor experience of this portion of the realm. But really, thanks for trying.

Hammer

Not asking when I am done.

I can figure that one out myself.

Asking when typical rehab recovery folks stabilize.

Dunno is a fine answer if no one here knows.

EnglishGarden

If she is mentally ill (Borderline Personality Disorder would match that list you just made), why are you waiting for her to get her crap together?

AA will not fix it.

LaTeeDa

But you keep saying that she isn't "typical." So, what good does knowing the typical situation do for you?

It seems to me the only thing you can really decide is if you are willing to go on like you are or not.

L

Shellcrusher

Hammer,
I'm done here. I've tried to ignore your condescension. I've tried answering your questions using your own analogies. In the end, I reckon we're all here because we lack knowledge and understanding of this realm.

Tuffgirl

Yeah, I get what you are asking. I don't think you get that its a question none of us can answer, not even you. No need to be a smart a$$ about it, either.

You see, you still won't accept her for who she is. She is someone with an untreated mental illness who has a whole slew of issues that present as symptoms related to this. This is what it is today. Either accept it, or move on.

I know first hand what it is like to live this life. I live it. I am your daughter, all grown up. I've been dealing with this stuff now for 25 years. For me, it never gets better. But I accept my Mother for who she is, and love her regardless. However, I don't live with her or associate with her when she is off the rails. And I have no problem setting some tough boundaries in regards to what craziness I will tolerate and what I won't.

My Dad (also retired military) chooses to remain married so she can continue with the benefits and lifestyle she has lived for decades now, but he won't live with her either. Hasn't for a decade now. He lives his own life doing his own thing and helps her out when he has time and the wherewithall to do so. This works for him, and we (me and my siblings) accept this as well.

Instead of waiting for some moment where things look like they are changing for the better, how about deal with reality as it is now. It may never change. At least then you won't be constantly disappointed. And if things do change - well - then you will be pleasantly surprised. Sounds like a win-win to me.

But being snarky to others here isn't your ticket to happiness, that I can assure you of. It only makes you like like a bitter, resentful man.

Hammer

TOTALLY Agree.

And a spot on home-run diagnosis, btw.

However, the very apparent part is that the Eating Disorder USED to keep the Borderline in Check.

She has just had all her coping tools (addictions) taken away, and is now free-basing on the Emotional Dysregulation.

Were I a shrink-for-a-day, I would probably label it as BPD Traits, as opposed to full Borderline, but you understand what I am saying.

Personal Ethics.

Will not pull the trigger on a wounded troop/buddy.

Only quick way towards that is if the kids are at risk.

It has kept it in line in the past.

But then she drifted to cutting. My T helped shut that down, and then the Eating Disorder.

ZenMe

I am going to assume this means you want a real companion and to have a happy healthy relationship vs manning it up solo? For those who were confused?

and well the thread obviously states...

Aeryn

I mean this with all due respect but I can't be a happy wolf until unless a lone wolf first. I'd rather be alone with sanity than together with another rabid wolf.

but what you have is?

How about trying for a be there do that with a partner who can be present and equal?


Honestly I don't want to be alone either but I'm going to be - the only way I will EVER find a decent partner is to leave my AH (and that's in process). I'd rather take the risk and look for someone I deserve than settle for a few mediocre days. Oh yeah he's done "recovery" multiple times and is doing it again but as you say I've been there done that....in my case once a crap wheel always a crap wheel - took me two years to step off of mine. Even if he does "recover" too much water for me...I'm not willing to wade through.

As an ACOA I can tell you I used to pray at night my mother would leave - she never did, and even after my father passed *she* never recovered. And lucky me she never took me through any recovery so I went and married myself my second qualifier...and find myself here.

Everyone's path is different and maybe I've misread the thread but it sounds like you aren't happy...only you can start a change from that.

Aeryn

I can not WAIT until I'm recovered enough to write a response like this!! Love reading this - THANKS!!!

Hammer

Right. Got all that down. Like I say, been there, done that, functional adult, all that and a bag of chips.

Right. Had that, too. Mrs. Hammer became unglued after an Alcohol (cooking Vanilla) relapse a few years ago, barfed, and developed an Eating Disorder that went so out of control she was about 90 pounds and going under on the way to rehab back just before Thanksgiving last year.

But she is nuts since coming back.

Got the kids fairly well covered with Alateen, back up T's, alternate homes, etc.

Not where this problem lies.

All I was really asking is what are reasonable timelines for stabilization post-rehab?

Hammer

Sure. I will not run the operation absent a Platoon Sergeant or without a Project Foreman.

But I will not fire the existing one pre-maturely either.

Already know how to do the Solo, run the whole operation myself, but will choose not to. Just took all three kids on a three week road trip vacation by myself. Ran everything plus work while Mrs. Hammer was in rehab. Not that big of deal.

Hammer

Well, sure. I know that I do not know. Again, else I would not be asking. Just figured maybe that there was general guideline or rule of thumb, etc. Or just a simple "I don't know" when folks don't know. Not that big of deal.


I understand that is what it is today. My acceptance letter (Alanon work) is that my wife has a severe mental illness.

But this stuff is often transient, and rises and fades during recovery. I am asking about the stabilization period.

If it stays at the point it is, I would/will likely pull the trigger to ensure a stable long-term home for the kids.

Thank you VERY MUCH for that insight. The kids are #1 in all this.

I tend work in Who, What, Where and When.

This is just a When question.



Sorry to all. More annoyed than anything. But I understand folks just do their best, and get annoyed with me sometimes, too. Thank you.

Hammer

This is/was sort of what I was asking -- folks' timelines and they chose them.

Not all the Ala-babble.

Some days and some times that is all fine. Just not there for me now.

One year you say? Sounds as good as any. So I set the demolition timer for 5 months. She came back from rehab last December 8. Get the kids clear, tell the Zombie that has taken Mrs. Hammer's brain hostage what is going down, get all friendlies clear of the blast radius, and start the countdown.

dandylion

Dear Hammer, I can hear you saying that the time has come to end the way you are living---including the whole family. Not to stop caring---but to let go. And, I agree with you (assuming that I am correct)---why do I agree?? Because I can hear your heart screaming it as I read between the lines. I hear that you have exhausted all you can do--all you can tolerate. I believe the children see it.

Hammer, you sound like the most tenacious of the tenacious. Tenacious people don't generally let go until the only remaining option IS to let go.

I am telling you exactly what I think---since you are asking. I think you deserve my h onest answer.

If I am correct, please let us know how we can help you.

Lord knows, this is not easy. I have had to do the same thing.

dandylion

dandylion

Hammer--if I am off base, ignore me.

dandylion