He will beg me to stay..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 55
He will beg me to stay..
I have decided I am leaving my alcoholic BF if he does not stop drinking.
We've been down the whole road of : him getting pills from his dr. , trying to cut down, drink every other day, taper down to only weekends etc etc... it doesnt work.
Im finally emotionally ready to leave. He is emotionally abusive to me and Im finally strong enough to recognize it and act on ending it.
Problem is-- I know tomorrow or the next day he will beg me to stay. He already mumbled (drunk) today that he was going to talk to me about "the drinking will stop". I am not this naive, of course.
If I was to offer an alternative (knowing and having no hope in him doing it) , do you think saying, "The only way I can stay is if you do inpatient detox/ initial withdrawal phase for a week - or whatever they recommend, and then start therapy or AA...."
Because I KNOW he will not quit unless 'forced' in an inpatient setting. I know he needs education about alcohol abuse.
Or-- do I just follow thru with my plan and offer no alternative.
Realistically... offering the plan will likely only help me feel like I did all I could. There isnt a big chance he will do that. and he has his boss at work trying to force him to burn up vacation time or sick time, so time off is no problem at all.
Is there anything different I should say?
We've been down the whole road of : him getting pills from his dr. , trying to cut down, drink every other day, taper down to only weekends etc etc... it doesnt work.
Im finally emotionally ready to leave. He is emotionally abusive to me and Im finally strong enough to recognize it and act on ending it.
Problem is-- I know tomorrow or the next day he will beg me to stay. He already mumbled (drunk) today that he was going to talk to me about "the drinking will stop". I am not this naive, of course.
If I was to offer an alternative (knowing and having no hope in him doing it) , do you think saying, "The only way I can stay is if you do inpatient detox/ initial withdrawal phase for a week - or whatever they recommend, and then start therapy or AA...."
Because I KNOW he will not quit unless 'forced' in an inpatient setting. I know he needs education about alcohol abuse.
Or-- do I just follow thru with my plan and offer no alternative.
Realistically... offering the plan will likely only help me feel like I did all I could. There isnt a big chance he will do that. and he has his boss at work trying to force him to burn up vacation time or sick time, so time off is no problem at all.
Is there anything different I should say?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
If you tell him you won't leave him unless he goes to detox/rehab, and he goes, but then starts drinking after he gets out (which is probable IMO because he was coerced into going instead of being ready to go himself), what will you do? Will you leave then or stay because he "tried"?
I guess I feel like offering him the rehab plan is just prolonging the inevitable, and that it's time to focus on you and what you need to have a peaceful life.
I guess I feel like offering him the rehab plan is just prolonging the inevitable, and that it's time to focus on you and what you need to have a peaceful life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 55
Im totally at the place of focusing on me and my kids.
I would leave if he came back and drank.
My goal is not to end his drinking. or to help him. or to stay. or to go.
My goal is we do not want to live in an alcoholic household anymore. I will do what it takes to get to that place, as soon as possible. Like August 1.
Its just that he has drank 30 years. he has said he thinks daily about quitting. I know he's in that spiral of love/ hate. It would be easier to stay. I wont put up with anything at all or really help or bargain or anything.
I already told him, you either get it or you dont. You either will quit and provide a non-alcoholic household, and do it willingly....... or Im out. Im just done and ready to go if sobriety doesnt happen.
I would leave if he came back and drank.
My goal is not to end his drinking. or to help him. or to stay. or to go.
My goal is we do not want to live in an alcoholic household anymore. I will do what it takes to get to that place, as soon as possible. Like August 1.
Its just that he has drank 30 years. he has said he thinks daily about quitting. I know he's in that spiral of love/ hate. It would be easier to stay. I wont put up with anything at all or really help or bargain or anything.
I already told him, you either get it or you dont. You either will quit and provide a non-alcoholic household, and do it willingly....... or Im out. Im just done and ready to go if sobriety doesnt happen.
Enjoying Recovery
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 110
The way you're talking, the relationship sounds over anyway. Don't bother putting both of you through another month of misery making ultimatums to an addict who's only thinking about the next drink and will say anything to get it. It's pointless.
Some people need to be on their own before before they can come to terms with an addiction. He may be one of them.
Some people need to be on their own before before they can come to terms with an addiction. He may be one of them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 55
Im totally at the place of focusing on me and my kids.
I would leave if he came back and drank.
My goal is not to end his drinking. or to help him. or to stay. or to go.
My goal is we do not want to live in an alcoholic household anymore. I will do what it takes to get to that place, as soon as possible. Like August 1.
Its just that he has drank 30 years. he has said he thinks daily about quitting. I know he's in that spiral of love/ hate. It would be easier to stay. I wont put up with anything at all or really help or bargain or anything.
I already told him, you either get it or you dont. You either will quit and provide a non-alcoholic household, and do it willingly....... or Im out. Im just done and ready to go if sobriety doesnt happen.
I would leave if he came back and drank.
My goal is not to end his drinking. or to help him. or to stay. or to go.
My goal is we do not want to live in an alcoholic household anymore. I will do what it takes to get to that place, as soon as possible. Like August 1.
Its just that he has drank 30 years. he has said he thinks daily about quitting. I know he's in that spiral of love/ hate. It would be easier to stay. I wont put up with anything at all or really help or bargain or anything.
I already told him, you either get it or you dont. You either will quit and provide a non-alcoholic household, and do it willingly....... or Im out. Im just done and ready to go if sobriety doesnt happen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
niiji, it does sound as if things are pretty much over between you. My suggestion would be to take your kids (someone has to look out for them, and it sounds like you're the only one capable) and start over. If your ABF decides that he is serious about getting sober, he can certainly go to rehab/AA/whatever type of recovery on his own. He ultimately has to do the work on his own anyway, just as you have to do your own work.
I've seen many recommendations on this board that an alcoholic partner who wants to get back together should be able to show anywhere from 1 to 2 years of continuous sobriety AND recovery (not just white-knuckle dry drunk behavior) before there is any discussion of re-entering the relationship. This might be something for you to consider--this way you can get started on your OWN recovery (not to mention your kids) and you will at least have that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
Wishing you strength and clarity today.
I've seen many recommendations on this board that an alcoholic partner who wants to get back together should be able to show anywhere from 1 to 2 years of continuous sobriety AND recovery (not just white-knuckle dry drunk behavior) before there is any discussion of re-entering the relationship. This might be something for you to consider--this way you can get started on your OWN recovery (not to mention your kids) and you will at least have that, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
Wishing you strength and clarity today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I've heard this song and seen this dance here at my very house and although it sounds good, it doesn't look pretty.
I've held my breath while my husband sobered up enough to keep me here only to go back 2 months later and start the train ride to hell. ALL ABOARD!!! *ding ding*
My husband is laying in the trauma center right now with half of his head missing due to a comatose motorcycle ride. He had the nerve to ask me if he had to deal with me being snappy for the rest of our marriage? I told him, I'm not going to be able to breathe for the next year because you slip up every 2 months. If YOU want to be married to ME!!!! YOU will get through the next year of our relationship because it will not include trusting YOU! You will have to rebuild this with me and we will have to find common ground and work through life without alcohol and maybe I will trust you.
A year sounds like a long time to be with anyone where there is no trust but I have found, when dealing with an alcoholic, that actions speak louder than words and that same action is what is most important. Not the words of I'm sorry, I love you, I won't drink again, I'm done hurting you. His actions of showing me and you, are what is going to shape the relationships that we are in. So if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck... Babe.... It's a duck!
I've never been so low in my life. And I've said I would leave if he did this again and I'm still here. I've let him take me to the depths of hell and ruin us in one motorcycle ride. I can't get any lower and I promise you that if he drinks after this, I will take our dogs and I will leave and I will not say Good Bye. He knows, I will rebuild my life with the Girls on my own and NO ONE will ever take that from me because I'm done with men taking everything I have ever worked at and stealing it from me. So, if you say it, STAND BY IT! DO IT!!!
I've held my breath while my husband sobered up enough to keep me here only to go back 2 months later and start the train ride to hell. ALL ABOARD!!! *ding ding*
My husband is laying in the trauma center right now with half of his head missing due to a comatose motorcycle ride. He had the nerve to ask me if he had to deal with me being snappy for the rest of our marriage? I told him, I'm not going to be able to breathe for the next year because you slip up every 2 months. If YOU want to be married to ME!!!! YOU will get through the next year of our relationship because it will not include trusting YOU! You will have to rebuild this with me and we will have to find common ground and work through life without alcohol and maybe I will trust you.
A year sounds like a long time to be with anyone where there is no trust but I have found, when dealing with an alcoholic, that actions speak louder than words and that same action is what is most important. Not the words of I'm sorry, I love you, I won't drink again, I'm done hurting you. His actions of showing me and you, are what is going to shape the relationships that we are in. So if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck... Babe.... It's a duck!
I've never been so low in my life. And I've said I would leave if he did this again and I'm still here. I've let him take me to the depths of hell and ruin us in one motorcycle ride. I can't get any lower and I promise you that if he drinks after this, I will take our dogs and I will leave and I will not say Good Bye. He knows, I will rebuild my life with the Girls on my own and NO ONE will ever take that from me because I'm done with men taking everything I have ever worked at and stealing it from me. So, if you say it, STAND BY IT! DO IT!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Niijikwe, you say that you are at the place of focusing on you and your kids. Then, that should clarify the decision some what---shouldn't it.
after all, you can't focus on yourself and kids as much if you are dealing with a drinking or newly recovering alcoholic in the immediate picture--in the house!! For most, the first year of recovery is as bad--and sometimes worse--as the drinking prior.
Alcoholis are sooo good at knowing what to say to keep the status quo. The status quo is for their OWN benefit. One natural consequence of alcoholism (over sobriety) is that you will loose the people close to you, among other things. Experience has shown that the alcoholic has to feel the pain so bad that sobriety looks like the only option. They have to want to be sober.
They may promise not to drink (and mean it at the time), but an alcoholic CANNOT keep their promises on this subject because they CAN"T stop drinking until they have made the commitment to stay sober by doing WHATEVER it takes--one day at a time. An alcoholic can't even make promises to themselves on this matter and keep them! They have to completely surrender that their lives have become unmanageable.
If he wants to get sober bad enough--he will.
Another thing that you have to consider is that you have other people hanging in the balance--your kids! You mentioned that he has been abusive to you. I don't care how young they are--this atmosphere affects them. They are always more aware that the adults assume that they are--always. This effects them more than it effects you--because they are still developing. Thankfully you are not married to him and these are not his natural children---that makes these kinds of decisions much more he**ish.
I am writing all of this to give you some things, which I think are important, to think about. I hope it helps.
dandylion
after all, you can't focus on yourself and kids as much if you are dealing with a drinking or newly recovering alcoholic in the immediate picture--in the house!! For most, the first year of recovery is as bad--and sometimes worse--as the drinking prior.
Alcoholis are sooo good at knowing what to say to keep the status quo. The status quo is for their OWN benefit. One natural consequence of alcoholism (over sobriety) is that you will loose the people close to you, among other things. Experience has shown that the alcoholic has to feel the pain so bad that sobriety looks like the only option. They have to want to be sober.
They may promise not to drink (and mean it at the time), but an alcoholic CANNOT keep their promises on this subject because they CAN"T stop drinking until they have made the commitment to stay sober by doing WHATEVER it takes--one day at a time. An alcoholic can't even make promises to themselves on this matter and keep them! They have to completely surrender that their lives have become unmanageable.
If he wants to get sober bad enough--he will.
Another thing that you have to consider is that you have other people hanging in the balance--your kids! You mentioned that he has been abusive to you. I don't care how young they are--this atmosphere affects them. They are always more aware that the adults assume that they are--always. This effects them more than it effects you--because they are still developing. Thankfully you are not married to him and these are not his natural children---that makes these kinds of decisions much more he**ish.
I am writing all of this to give you some things, which I think are important, to think about. I hope it helps.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Rather then saying:
How about…….
When you have found sobriety and are working a strong recovery program…I’ll think about coming back.
"The only way I can stay is if you do inpatient detox/ initial withdrawal phase for a week - or whatever they recommend, and then start therapy or AA...."
When you have found sobriety and are working a strong recovery program…I’ll think about coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
I completely agree with atalose. Don't make your relationship contingent on rehab. My exABF went to 30 day rehab after an ER/ICU detox (I now believe accidental although he told me purposeful), and I see now that he wasn't committed to or ready for detox, and went mostly if not entirely because I talked him into it. And he drank the whole weekend he got home, trying to hide it from me, which was the beginning of the end for us.
I learned here that that's pretty normal. Going to detox because you want him to doesn't have a high chance of success, and it isn't what you want either. You sound like a good part of you is ready to go. Go. And if he can get sober and really mean it, like Atalose said you can see.
I learned here that that's pretty normal. Going to detox because you want him to doesn't have a high chance of success, and it isn't what you want either. You sound like a good part of you is ready to go. Go. And if he can get sober and really mean it, like Atalose said you can see.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you mention being concerned that you have done ALL you could...to try and change the circumstances....meaning HIS drinking. he's still drinking. now. today. isn't it time to do all you can for your OWN precious life?
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