Is it okay???

Old 07-08-2013, 10:59 PM
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Location: Niagara Falls ON
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Is it okay???

My RAH is on day 8, although I do believe he may have drank last night. I did not confront him, if he wants to tell me he can but I've finally come to the realization i can not control his drinking!!! My question is thou, I usually go for a few drinks with my best girlfriends on thursdays to chat and unwind from the week, should I put these on hold as it may upset my RAH. He feels I need to stop drinking (I may have a beer after work or a few with the girls on thurs) to suport his not drinking. Any thoughts????
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:11 AM
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Hi BarbPete. Welcome to SR. Glad you're here!

Hey, you might want to do an intro post. You'll probably get more replies that way....

Meanwhile, I don't think you need to do anything you don't want to do because "you might screw up his recovery"

Doesn't he need to work on himself in recovery to learn to take life on life's terms? In other words, he needs to learn to live his life, work HIS program and not demand everyone cater to him?
Better he should discuss this concern of his with his sponsor!

I don't think you need to wave it in his face, but I totally don't think you should stop doing fun, healthy things with your friends because *he* claims he can't handle it.
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:13 AM
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I will be interested to hear what others have to say. On the one hand, I feel that his recovery is just that, HIS, and your going or not going to have a few beers w/your girlfriends is not going to make him drink or not drink. On the other hand, I understand that you would consider not drinking in order to support him. he looking for support or control?

And does it matter which?

Again, I'm interested to see what advice you receive from those w/much more time and experience than I have.
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:56 AM
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What I did was not drink at home. If I was out and had a drink that was fine. I simply didn't want to have any booze in the house.

It didn't 't make any difference and I ended up leaving 2 years ago but it seemed like a good idea.

IMO, don't let him put the success or failure of his program on you. You can't make him drink and you can't keep him from drinking.

Your friend,
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:12 AM
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Barb, personally, I think this is almost like a "damned if you do" or "damned if you don't" situation. In the end, this will not determine whether he recovers or not. I've heard of people doing it either way.

If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't drink just to show a spirit of solidarity--I'm not an alcoholic, so it wouldn't be hard for me to do--just to drink a different beverage for an evening.

****Also, I know that he will be looking for something to blame, down the road--and this would be perfect. The newly sober are usually raging angry underneath that they "have" to give up their best coping mechanism---and will criticize and blame everything in their path.

To my way of thinking, it is up to you. There aren't any rules written on stone tablets--that I am aware of (LOL).

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Old 07-09-2013, 06:20 AM
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I never had booze in the house and went out for the VERY occasional drink with friends. Neither stopped him from drinking, but it seemed like the right thing to do to support somebody.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:42 AM
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I approached the situation differently then your RAH. At first I completely avoided people places and things that were slippery for me.
Then after I felt comfortable I didn't want people to treat me like I had some sort of contagious disease and not act normally around me. All my friends/ family and work colleges drink around me, they don't ask me to fill up there beer glasses anymore because I have set my boundaries. My GF can go drink all she would like, my drinking problem is not her drinking problem. She also has problems that I do not have. Thats life. I think it is fair to say you should be able to do whatever you want as long as you are not provoking him or waving it in his face.
This is just my experience. I still want the people around me to live a happy life, and have a good time and not feel like they have to act a certain way or behave differently because I am not drinking.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:37 AM
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Hi, and welcome. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics who were in recovery (one made it, one did not) and I'm sober almost five years, myself. I think that regardless of what the alcoholic says, in early recovery it is considerate and supportive not to keep alcohol in the house, and not to drink in front of them. This isn't forever, necessarily, but it is usually helpful at least for the first six months to a year. After that you can both reassess the comfort level.

I see nothing wrong with going out for a drink or two after work with friends. HOWEVER, I would suggest brushing your teeth so you don't greet him with a boozy kiss.

My first husband, now sober over 33 years, often says how much he appreciated my support by not drinking around him when he was newly sober. We kept all alcohol out of the house for several years, though he eventually didn't mind if I bought something for the holidays as long as it was gone afterward, so it wasn't sitting around. After a year or so, he didn't mind my having a drink while in his company. It was a pretty easy thing for me to do back then (my alcoholism developed much later).

For myself, I was living alone when I got sober, but I avoided being around drinking (to the extent possible) for the first year. After that, it isn't a problem for me--though I don't enjoy events where drinking is the primary activity.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:33 PM
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts. We are not keeping any booze in the house already. As for going out with my girls, I am still going to go on doing that but your suggestions on brushing my teeth and not flauting the booze infront of him makes complete sense. And maybe I'll only go out everyother week instead of once a week.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:45 PM
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When my AH first decided to stop drinking I stopped too to support him. Quitting is hard enough with out your wife going out drinking with all your friends. I now rarely have an alcoholic beverage even in bars, and I have just as much fun with out the head ache the next day.
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Old 07-09-2013, 09:48 PM
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In my case, somebody had to be responsible for the little man. The AW certainly wasn't. So I don't think it works well to be having drinks while the A in our lives fight their battles.
I don't see it as a loss of control over what we want to do because of the A. I see it as an opportunity to clearly understand what booze can do to people and I want no part of it. That's just me.
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:41 AM
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I think this is specific to each individual in recovery & what their triggers & comfort levels are.

My RAH has always maintained that his sobriety can't depend on my actions or abstinence, and that having it in the home is no more difficult than driving by the store that sells it. He feels that it's available everywhere & since he did the majority of his secret drinking out of the home, he's not as triggered as others may be just from having alcohol in the home. He said he has a million chances to stop at any gas station, store or bar during any given day so it has to come down to his choices, his control - no matter what.

I do still get together with my friends & have drinks, they even come to Girls Nites In at my house & often spend the night to avoid driving home. I rarely drink at home unless a friend is visiting & if I do it's 1-2 max. If the girls are scheduled to come over, RAH plans to attend multiple meetings that night - we've found a balance that works for us, but we're also 2 years into recovery. Early recovery is more tenuous & triggers are just starting to be truly identified.
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Old 07-10-2013, 11:55 PM
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For me I knew it might not make any difference but it was a respect issue! If he was willing to try then I wasn't going to drink. This wasn't something I said but I just did....I realize down the road had he ever gotten that far then I would likely have a social drink if so desired but not early on....certainly didn't keep any at the house.
Unfortunately it never made a difference but it wasn't because I was not supportive!
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Old 07-11-2013, 01:14 AM
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When my RABF first entered sobriety I had to take a serious look at this issue. I am not the alcoholic in the relationship. But if I wanted to stay in the re'ship, and be part of his recovery, then I would have to look at my own relationship with alcohol. Should I be able to meet my friends out for a cocktail after work? Sure. But if I am expecting him to learn to live in a world of "happy hour" specials, can I not do the same when he is early in his recovery? Sure.

He is only 8 days sober (maybe). He is VERY early in recovery. Is he going to AA,does he have a recovery program? Or is he just trying to stay sober? Without a true recovery program, this is a tough road. Others may disagree, but I would suggest you abstain from alcohol in these early days until he gets through the initial recovery. If you find yourself unable to do so, then you should take a look at your own relationship with alcohol. What's it worth to you. Only you can answer that.
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Old 07-11-2013, 11:54 AM
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New to this site, but not to this problem, as I have been w my wife for 13 years and she recently went through rehab and has 40 days now!!!!!!, my opinion would be to carry on your routine, but I also would put the drinking on hold for a bit, if you truly have no issue controlling your drinking then this shouldn't be an issue. While I truly believe the problem is theirs and ultimately we can not "fix" them they do need our love, and understanding. I used to drink with her years ago but just quit one day when I saw the issues it was creating in our relationship, I now only indulge 2-3 times a year and usually on a guys trip when she isn't around. I just remember being in the groups with her during rehab and constantly hearing it was hard for them to stop when they saw other friends and family drinking because in their minds they kept saying "I am an adult and if they can they why can't I?"

Recently another woman who went to rehab with my wife called and we ended up talking and she told me her BF was like me, a couple times a year kinda guy, and he went to the usual 4th of July party which is one of his days a year and she elected not to go being so fresh out of rehab, she said it was hard to see him come home drunk, and she felt left out of the day, but also realized it was not his fault and she coped with it and is still clean. My thoughts are this, after going through everything we did I would gladly skip one or all of my couple days a year since she is so fresh on recovery and I will re-evaluate this decision each time it comes up. If it were me with the 4th of July plans I would have probably gone for a few hours alone to be social, not had any drinks, then returned in time to be with her for some fire works and show some support and be with the person I love!

I say compromise, keep your routine, put the drinking on hold for a few weeks/months, if your only having 1 or 2 anyway you are not missing anything, I think keeping the routine is key so you do not resent him for having to alter your daily plans, and the not drinking shows your support of his efforts, if your worried about your friends asking about it, just order a virgin whatever on the side. Just my 2 cents and hope you and your husband find happiness and success on the recovery, it is not an easy road for sure.
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:39 PM
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Barb - welcome. I don't see why you need to switch up your routine. I'm not living with my RAH but I haven't been drinking because I am so completely disgusted by the damage alcohol has ravished on my life. That is for me right now until I can feel more calm about this substance. That said, I've been to parties, happy hours, etc. and just ordered a soda. It's been fun to go out. I think it is totally reasonable if you want to have some drinks with friends, but if you don't want to drink, I don't see why you'd skip HH (though I do see why those in recovery from drinking would want to).
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:55 PM
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I second what Springs said, or rather, I had the same experience. Before he wast ex, my ABF was giving recovery a go and something switched in me, I was so affected by what I'd seen him out his body through for alcohol, that I couldn't even drink it. One night while he was in rehab I had a drink with friends and I couldn't even finish it. We didn't last much last rehab, after a relapse and a lot of dishonesty and boundary-breaking, and I might have lost that visceral reaction to alcohol over time. But I still have it now. I'm someone who at most would have a drink or two once a week. But I haven't had the inclination yet, it just doesn't fit. Thanks Springa for sharing, I was wondering of others reacted that way.
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Old 07-12-2013, 06:02 AM
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I drink about 6 drinks a year, so it wasnt difficult for me to avoid drinking during his early recovery. He didnt ask me to, but I felt it was the considerate thing to do. My RAH is in year 4 of recovery, and now he feels bad if I abstain just for him. I occasionally have a glass of wine in his presence.
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