worriedfriend44

I posted last week on the board for newcomers. Everyone was so caring and helpful. My friend has been hiding alcohol around my apartment for a while now. I know all of her spots, but she doesn't know I've found them, or that I can smell vodka on her breath all the time. I'm just frustrated that she thinks she is/has to hide this from me. I would love to just talk about it with her, but I realize it doesn't work that way. I love her so much, and I just want her to be ok. Does the frustration ever go away? I feel like there's some constant need to check on how much she has consumed every day. I know that's an invasion of her privacy. I wish I knew what to do. This is all new to me still.

FireSprite

Hi worried, welcome to the forum.

I think you would do well to search out the threads that explain how to use detachment as a tool when living/dealing with an active alcoholic.

Boundaries are another very important topic here on our board, it's what helps us identify the things we individually are willing to deal with or not... and once we've identified those lines we can work on strategies for how to handle the times when they are broken or crossed.

For instance, does it bother you that your friend hides alcohol in your home? Is her drinking ok so long as it doesn't impact you, or would you like your home to be alcohol free entirely?

You'll find a LOT of wonderful & helpful information & shared experiences in the stickies at the top of this page, but searching through old posts and just reading what comes up in the daily posts can be super helpful too.

jmartin

This is a sure way to drive yourself crazy, there is no point in trying to check on her drinking or try to figure out how much she is drinking. To what end? How does knowing if or how much she is drinking matter? She is going to do what she is going to do, and your knowing precisely if, when, how much, or what she is drinking simply doesn't matter. If she is like most alcoholics, in my experience, she is trying to conceal it from you (and everyone else) out of shame and fear - the fact that she is hiding it means she knows she has a problem - otherwise, why not drink openly? You must be willing to allow her to follow her own path. This does not mean you abandon her, just that you allow her to do what she is going to do.

However, I believe if you are aware of her drinking and it is affecting you, it is NOT an invasion of her privacy to indicate to her that you are aware she is drinking, that it is affecting your friendship, and that you are concerned about her. Continuing the charade of pretending you don't know is not a recipe for a great friendship, and your feelings of frustration will no doubt get worse. This is a progressive disease, and is extremely unlikely to resolve by itself. If she will accept help, you might just save her life.

The bad news is, she might shut you out, terminate your friendship, or any number of things, depending on her state of denial about her problem. For me, the feeling that I did something to try to help, and maybe plant the seed of her eventual recovery, would be far preferable to letting her situation progress by pretending I didn't know.

worriedfriend44

I'm just afraid of getting shut out. I'm afraid that, if I'm shut out, I won't be able to help her and she will feel alone. I want to do whatever it takes to help her and be a supportive friend who helps her recover. Any time I've confronted her about other things in the past, she has gotten very angry and defensive. I just want to figure out the best way to go about it. She is so important to me. I won't ever give up on her. I know I need to say something. It's just so painful to see someone I love so much going through this.

m1k3

worriedfriend44, just to clear up a couple of things for you.

There is nothing you can do to help her. It's her problem to solve. I know it sounds harsh but until she is ready to quit there isn't anything you can dol

Been there, done that. I was married for 36 years to an alcoholic. I finally had to quit on her. It was killing me. I just couldn't do it anymore.

This is so true. The problem is that alcoholism is a progressive disease so it is just going to keep on getting worse. It may seem hard to believe but someday you will look back at this as the good old days.

One of the biggest things I learned here is the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Your friend,

FireSprite

Keep reading, you'll find the #1 piece of information shared here is that you CAN'T help her. I know that sounds terribly simplified and perhaps even a little insensitive but it's the Absolute God's-Honest Truth. We cannot save the addicts in our lives from themselves no matter how much we want to, how much we love them, how much we believe in them.

If her past responses are any indication, she doesn't welcome you inquiring about her drinking (few addicts do) and isn't likely to change that opinion any time soon.

The VERY BEST thing that you can do for yourself is to educate yourself about addiction & alcohol abuse. You still won't be able to "help" her but it can bring you a much greater understanding of the situation & help you to develop tools to keep YOU sane.

BlueSkies1

Nothing wrong with calling out on the hiding bit. Hey, we have a place we store liquor, it's right here in this cabinet, quit hiding it, I do know you drink.

That's rational, out in the open talk. She might just realize that you aren't mute and blind. No reason to pretend to be.

As for the reasons she is doing this, it's only her choice to discover and cure. Nothing you can really do about it besides being supportive of her seeking help.

DreamsofSerenity

"Does the frustration ever go away?"

In my experience, as long as you have contact with an active alcoholic, the frustration never goes away. In fact, it mounts exponentially and then becomes heartbreak and devastation.

Some people manage to detach enough to not be frustrated. I think that is pretty rare though, and definitely takes a lot of recovery work.