Giant Step Forward
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 31
Giant Step Forward
Today I will close on the purchase of my first home. Tomorrow, I will pick up the keys and start a new life in a place I can call my own. I'm thankful that my Dad helped me out and allowed me to crash in his basement until I got my life back together. And I'm now feeling a myriad of emotions:
I'm excited.
I'm proud.
I'm nervous.
I'm happy.
But beneath it all, there is an underlying sadness. I realize that as I take this giant step forward, I am also closing the door on any hope that there will ever be a future with my AXBF. And that makes me sad. I know that I've made the right decision. I know that our relationship was tearing me apart. But a very small part of me was holding on to the last shred of hope that he would get better and we would live "happily ever after."
I've done a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. It's been difficult to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the role that I played in our dysfunction. I suppose there is a part of me that is frightened about living alone again. I know that my first night in the condo will be difficult. I will feel alone....I will BE alone. Six weeks ago I would have said that life with my AXBF is better than being by myself. I realize now how misguided that was. I deserve to be treated better, and now I finally have the opportunity to welcome that into my life.
I don't really know what my point is here, other than to share a small part of my life as I embark on a new journey towards the unknown. Anything is possible now. And that's both terrifying and comforting.
I'm excited.
I'm proud.
I'm nervous.
I'm happy.
But beneath it all, there is an underlying sadness. I realize that as I take this giant step forward, I am also closing the door on any hope that there will ever be a future with my AXBF. And that makes me sad. I know that I've made the right decision. I know that our relationship was tearing me apart. But a very small part of me was holding on to the last shred of hope that he would get better and we would live "happily ever after."
I've done a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. It's been difficult to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the role that I played in our dysfunction. I suppose there is a part of me that is frightened about living alone again. I know that my first night in the condo will be difficult. I will feel alone....I will BE alone. Six weeks ago I would have said that life with my AXBF is better than being by myself. I realize now how misguided that was. I deserve to be treated better, and now I finally have the opportunity to welcome that into my life.
I don't really know what my point is here, other than to share a small part of my life as I embark on a new journey towards the unknown. Anything is possible now. And that's both terrifying and comforting.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by acm76 
I've done a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. It's been difficult to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the role that I played in our dysfunction. I suppose there is a part of me that is frightened about living alone again. I know that my first night in the condo will be difficult. I will feel alone....I will BE alone. Six weeks ago I would have said that life with my AXBF is better than being by myself. I realize now how misguided that was. I deserve to be treated better, and now I finally have the opportunity to welcome that into my life.
Wishing you peace, clarity and, most of all, joy in your new life!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
ACM76, huuuuugw congratulations to you! I really love how thoughtful and reflective you're being, both about how far you've come and what got you there and here. You are making such great strides for yourself, you're an inspiration!!
Be really good to yourself, this is a big and exciting shift. Feel it all and keep on doing such great self-care!
Be really good to yourself, this is a big and exciting shift. Feel it all and keep on doing such great self-care!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Congratulations on your new home!
This reminds me of the saying "I'd rather be alone than wish I was".
And now that you are embarking on this new life, you open up the space in your life for another, hopefully far more healthy, partner to appear. Enjoy!
This reminds me of the saying "I'd rather be alone than wish I was".
And now that you are embarking on this new life, you open up the space in your life for another, hopefully far more healthy, partner to appear. Enjoy!
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