never sure if what I'm doing is the right thing
 

I just never can figure out if my motives are what they should be or if I'm twisted! My AH seems to be working on the things he agreed to work on last month. I left for several days in June after reaching my breaking point with his drunken behavior.

I started with my new counselor (my former guy left the same week I ran away from home!) and that seems to be going well. AH and I saw a marriage counselor and that went well. He doesn't think it's going to be useful but is living up to his promise to take it seriously and participate. He has had O'Doul's on several occasions, and I'm not sure if he's used that to mask the "real" stuff, but I'm staying as hands-off as I can. He knows that I think the OD is not a good plan but that it's his to manage. He's been much more helpful and engaged in daily life. He hasn't made an appointment for individual counseling. We talked about it a bit yesterday and I'm not pushing that either, although I reminded him that he promised and that I think it's important for his well-being. The biggest thing for me is that he's much more like the guy I married. That's all I really wanted.

As for the aftermath of the night I left - he doesn't think there was any reason for me to leave that night. I disagree and have told him why. It was devastating to him that I left. He was angry, drunk and hurt which is how he explains the threats. I get it but it's still not okay. He is very unhappy that I "made him look like an A-hole" to our families. Thinks our problems should be kept between us. Okay, fine but it wasn't my behavior that was so out-of-line, it was my refusal to stay and put up with it and my refusal to be secretive about it. My sister is still very angry at him. She heard what he was saying that night (he was SCREAMING in my ear and she heard it from several feet away), which is another thing he isn't happy about. I can't help that either. He feels like an outcast. I feel awful about this but I can't own it. Nobody hates him, but he can't believe that because he hates himself. This is an absolutely huge struggle for me to detach from his pain and consequences.

So, what I am doing for myself - meditation and yoga, primarily. I've started working on things around the house that have been bugging me for YEARS, and am feeling a sense of accomplishment. I still haven't gone to AlAnon or church. (I'm not sure if I'm just not ready or if I'm avoiding) I've been talking regularly to my HP, though! I noticed that somebody bumped the Step One thread and I'm doing some work on that.

I am posting to update those who were so supportive of me during the crisis, and to see if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks for reading.

As co dependents it is very difficult for us to see the pain of our A's suffering the consequences of their behavior.

The truth is, your husband is still engaging you , because he wants you to take responsibility for the consequences he is suffering. This is emotional immaturity on his part.

You should feel convicted , that what you did, you did for your own well being, if he doesn't see it that way, too bad.

This is his work, not yours. If it were me, I would no longer engage in a coversation with him on this particular subject.

You did the right thing. That is all you need to know.

Ditto to Katiekate. My ex used to say the same things - he was rarely able to emphasize with my choices on how I handled his drunken rampages. He never acknowledged how unsafe it made me and my girls feel. Honestly, I think its denial as well as emotional immaturity. And I've often wondered if the denial really stems from a black out.

One thing I do know is there are times when agreeing to disagree apply, and this is one of those situations. You did the right thing. As a matter of fact, he's damn lucky you didn't stay gone forever, like I did.

Sue,

Filtered through my experience, I'm still concerned for your safety.
I can promise you that there is not enough alcohol in the universe to make me threaten to kill the person I'm married to. Threats like that don't come out of thin air. I'm glad you're not buying his excuses, but I hope you have an escape plan ready. Prior death threats are the best predictor for murder in domestic relationships.

So he's not working a program, he's not going to AA, he's not going to individual counseling. Basically, he's white-knuckling it. What happens when he can't do it anymore and decides to drink?

I'm glad he isn't drinking right now. And I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. I'm just concerned. As for the anger at you "making him look like an a-hole" to your families, I have a very simple suggestion: If he doesn't want to look like an a-hole to people around him, he shouldn't behave like one.

Yes, Sueski, I also agree---denial and immaturity. As you can see by reading on this board -- this is pretty standard stuff for an active alcoholic. Detach, detach.

If you feel good about the things you are doing for yourself---good! Keep going in that direction. It is very hard for co-dependents to allow others to suffer the consequences of their own behaviors---but, It must be done. You will get better at it.

dandylion

wow i have been struggling for a long time to put how i feel into words.. this statement hits me hard. story of my life: As co dependents it is very difficult for us to see the pain of our A's suffering the consequences of their behavior.

does anyone have suggestions for detachment?

So obviously he does not see anything wrong with terrorizing his partner and of course he would think that it should be kept between you two. That's what most abusers do, isolate their victims. Once the cat is out of the bag, then you have support out there and don't have to put up with his drunken rampages again.
You deserve a partner who will treat you with respect and will not abuse you and no one HAS to stick around and put up with someone else's drunken BS.
I don't want to sound pessimistic but it really looks like he is taking no responsibilities for his actions and is putting the blame on you for people knowing about his drinking.
Make sure you always keep your keys, cell phone and purse by the door. You might also consider getting a little debit card and putting a few hundreds on it to tidy you up for a couple of days when he relapses. 99% chances he will drink again :(

Ps: if I had known what I know today, I would have thrown my boyfriend out and broken up with him permanently the minute he relapsed and got loud and belligerent with me. Relationships like that only go South unless the alcoholic commits to recovery for himself and work his behind off.

The only sane and healthy way to "handle" someone's drunken rampages is to remove oneself from the situation and go on with our days. A lot of alcoholics love to have an audience when they are drunk and hate being left alone with their misery and their tantrums.

eileenmarie, for your benefit, it would be a good idea to start a new thread about your questions about detachment. Reason being, that your post will get much more "traffic" as an individual thread than buried in someone else's.

To start a new thread--look at the top of the main page in the left hand corner.

dandylion

Thank you all!

I have a bag with clothes and money hidden in the car (no more trips to Walmart in my pajamas) and a key to my sister's house. Phone and keys are in the bag, and near the door. I think I may stash some money in my desk at work (locked up, of course).

He is taking responsibility for some of it (the ridiculous drunken behavior that I just couldn't take anymore that night) - not all and certainly not enough, but I'm taking what I can get for the moment. I'm hoping he continues in that vein. Time will tell. He's never been violent with me in well over 17 years (that is probably the one thing that would be an absolute for me. My father knocked my mother and stepmother around. NO effing way will I live like that), but I know the threats are not to be taken lightly.

I hate that he is feeling all of this, but I am not the one who brought it on. I'm just the one who said "enough." My sister said the same exact thing about him looking/acting like an a-hole, lilamy! I think you ladies are on to something there. If you're behaving in a way that has to be kept "private" maybe that is a clue that you're not behaving very well, Sherlock. Come to think of it, my father was like that, too. That's why I DON'T want to be like that!

Working on that detachment. eileenmarie, I keep telling myself not to do something but to stand there. I am now understanding why the slogans are so important. PM me if you want to talk a bit more??

Take care, guys. Thank you. In a good example of self-care, I'm going to go get a cookie!!

Mmmm cookies. :)

That's where the detachment comes in. Where we need to separate his feelings from our feelings. When we're enmeshed with an addict, we take on their feelings. I took on AXH's feelings so completely that I didn't have any of my own. But his feelings are his, just like his toenails are. They're not your responsibility.

AXH was never physically violent to me for 20 years. Until the last night. There are sports cars that are envious of how he could go from zero to wielding a knife in seconds flat. I'm glad you have a plan. And I'm glad the cat's out of the bag. There's nothing like a little public awareness to keep people behaving...

I'm glad to hear you have strict healthy boundaries about abuse.

I would give him some time, but not too much time, to hold up his promises. I wouldn't pressure him with a demanding tone, but ask. And continued discussions regularly about where the two of you are going and how you are going to get there. I think relationship maintenance and to make sure that there is forward momentum is crucial. No complacency, because that too easily leads to sliding back into old behaviors that weren't helpful to the relationship.
If it were me, I would tell him I'm sorry that he feels the shame and guilt over what he said that night, but that with time he can prove that he is a good guy. Simple wording, yes, but he will know what you mean. I would never promise someone that I was going to hide abusive behaviors. In fact the opposite, I would promise I was going to share them, and quickly.

lillamy, your post reminds me of an old saying. It is often said that when a person is downing that their life flashes before their eyes. HOWEVER, when the alcoholic is drowning---their life flashes before their co-dependent's eyes!:dee

dandylion

"And I've often wondered if the denial really stems from a black out. "
These words made me think, Is it that they really don't believe the things you tell them they did during a black out. I've often wanted to record or tape the things he does and says when he gets to that point.

Yes, the beginning of Carlotta' s post, about the cat out of the bag and getting support.

The other night, I had to stay with my husband's parents. His mother told me that if I needed a place to get on my feet, I could stay there, until I can get on my own.

Can't tell you how empowering it is to have an OPTION now, and what that does for the dynamic between my husband and I, where he, up until now, knew that given my health and that I have no one here (I moved to be with this winner), that saving up the means to get away would take me forever (though certainly not impossible).... and he knew that I had no leverage.

Now I do. And I just might take that option very soon.

Even on my drive to his parent's house I wondered if I did the right thing.

I did.