Justshy

So, haven't updated in awhile. As usual, I type a long update when I'm upset, then I calm down, read it and delete it. I come here everyday to read and it really helps a lot. My RAH recently celebrated 6 months sober. He still lives in a really great apartment, seems to have plenty of money as he is always wearing new clothes, new shoes, new tattoos, etc. Meanwhile, I can barely pay our bills and, according to my kids, we are having the "worst summer ever". It's really not that bad, we just can't go to the Y, or the movies, or out to lunch like we could last year. He just went to the beach for a week with his parents, brother/family and sister/family and took our kids. It was really hard as I have never been away from them for more than 2 days, but I did fine (it was also hard because I have gone on this vacation every year until now). I wasn't snarky when he picked them up, I didn't call or text too much (one of his major complaints) and I spent the week working on me. Really truly working on me. Here's the part that may be a little off topic. About 7 years ago, after my youngest turned 1, I went to see a psychiatrist. Our insurance is kind of weird. Doesn't cover any kind of therapy/counseling or even a psychologist, but it will cover a psychiatrist. Anyhow, back then, he said...you definitely have a lot of anxiety and would benefit from an antidepressant/antianxiety pill. He also said something like...and clearly you have ADD but I will need you to do a battery of tests and also see one of our counselors twice a week to be properly diagnosed before we talk about treatment. So, I explained my insurance, and that I was a stay at home mom, and he (disappointedly) said...oh, we'll just start you on the antianxiety stuff and see how you do for now. Well, long story short, I started taking Zoloft, it made a noticeable difference, and after a few appts for med checks, he said...well, if you aren't going to do therapy, then I can just give you refills for a year and check back with me (and eventually my regular dr wrote the prescriptions for me so I didn't even go back to the psychiatrist). I'm a huge reader and very into research. Once my kids got a little older, I kind of researched ADD, and bought a few books from the bookstore. One had a self assessment of about 200 questions. I read through it thinking to myself...yes, yes, yes, to most all the questions. I thought to myself...well, of course anyone would answer yes to these questions. So I read some to my husband....no, no, no, no. Hmmm, so I read some to my neighbor...no, no, no. Ok...so maybe I do have ADD...so I went to my regular dr....who said...oh a psychiatrist has to diagnose you...I can just manage your meds once he puts you on them...so, right back at the beginning. During this time, I had 2 little kids (and a raging alcoholic for a husband) so this whole process took 2 or 3 years. So, I kind of gave up. My husbands addiction got worse and worse, I just focused on getting through each day. The end came back in December where he had pretty much a 3 week bender that included a DUI, 2 accidents, craziness and finally rehab and his own apartment (see my previous posts for details). So...back in January, everyone was like...you really need to go to counseling. Still had the insurance issue...but, I was like, ok, I'll at least make an appt with a psychiatrist, maybe she can change my meds since I'm crying everyday (though, probably normal when your husband of 16 years quits drinking !yay! But moves out to "get healthy" !boo!)
Of course it takes months to get an appt. finally saw her in May. I'm very impressed with psychiatrists, how they can ask you a couple random questions and suddenly can describe your entire life. So...this one asked me to tell her briefly about my current life, then she asked maybe 3 or 4 specific questions about my childhood, all the while scribbling quickly on a pad. Of course, I talk A LOT and I talk fast. Then she says, well, you're being treated for the anxiety with the Zoloft, so lets discuss the options for your ADD. I said what? Don't I need to be tested? She said...yeah, if you want to pay a lot of money for tests...but it's quite clear you have ADD, it's pretty severe and I'm astonished to hear that you made it through college and grad school (not easily...but that's another story). So...to make a long long long post wrap up...she put me on meds...that literally made an immediate difference that very day. It was truly amazing. I've been back 3 times and I think I'm on a good dose now as of last week. Ive been researching articles and reading/educating myself all about it and picking up useful tips and ideas to use in my life (I don't think I should expect the meds to "fix" me). Anyhow....I came across a really good article that could have been written about/by me. It described me perfectly...and interestingly....all of the "complaints" my husband has had about me for years....are all described in this article. And...since May, I have made improvements in all these areas, am definitely mindful/aware and have taken action to make changes (with the help of the meds...I can literally tell when they have worn off for the day...like now). Anyhow, I don't want to use this diagnosis (and article) as an excuse for why I have been the way I have been...but I do want to share all of this with my husband. Only problem is...we haven't had a real conversation in 6 months, I used to email him long, long, long emails and texts...so now he doesn't even read them. I'm so excited about the "new me" and all the changes I have made, and I (yes probably stupidly/naively) believe that if I would have been diagnosed/treated 7 years ago, then "we" might not be in this place right now. I know ADD/ADHD people are sometimes addicts, but I haven't really seen anything about relationships between alcoholics/ addicts and people with ADD. Anyhow, on the one hand....I'm in such a good place right now in my life, but on the other hand, I have to wait for God's timing to share it with my RAH. Thoughts?

Tuffgirl

Hi Justshy. Glad you still read here.

I was one of those who was adamant about giving him his space. However, now its been 6 months, and I think it may be time to begin the process of determining where your marriage stands, especially since he has remained sober for this long.

I'd ask for counseling or a mediator- a neutral third party that can help keep communication flowing positively. You've also mentioned numerous times his tendency to not listen to you. I'd also take it slow while trying to open the communication again.

Congrats on the diagnosis and feeling better. You've taken some healthy steps in the right direction of enjoying your life with or without him. Part of the reason I insisted you give him space was in the hopes you'd find yourself in the process. There is nothing better than to renegotiate a relationship when you are in a place of taking it or leaving it. It is empowering.

Anyway, just my humble opinion.

You sound so much better than you did when you first came here. Way to go!

I know that was (and probably still is) painful journey for you.
Peace,
~T

Justshy

Thanks TG! I agree, this time apart really has been good for me. I think if he would have lived here, I would not have focused on myself and the only thing that would have changed would have been him. I also agree that action needs to be taken. 6 months is a long time and I feel that both of us have gotten complacent, but in different ways. The kids and I are "used" to our life right now, but we live thinking that he will be moving back soon. He is comfortable in his new life (who wouldn't be) and can probably only see the pros of staying there and the cons of moving home. I would love counseling or mediating or just sitting down to chat but not sure how to make that happen. Lack of communication was a huge problem for us the past few years, we both chose to stick our heads in the sand rather than address issues.

Tuffgirl

Few people are pros when it comes to communication in relationships, and alcoholism fuels a lack of communication to protect the addiction.A neutral third party can help keep the conversation on track. Although 6 months is a long time in some ways, its still early recovery, and still bound to be bumpy. And do honor him if he doesn't feel ready yet, but set a deadline at some point because you are right - its easy to get complacent with the status quo. I tried counseling at 3 months sober, then again at about a year sober. It didn't work between me and the AH, but it wasn't because he was struggling with his addiction. I did find having a mediator/counselor to be very helpful, for both of us and for me personally when I met with him alone.

Do some research, find some potentials, and present it to your husband the next time you both have a few minutes to talk alone. See what he does with it. It won't hurt at this point, and who knows, it may be very helpful.

CarryOn

Hi Justshy...great work for you! Thank you for posting this. RAH and I have been living separately for just over three months and sounds as though we have similar communication issues - I want to talk, he does not! I've told him there will be no coming home though until he has been through some counseling & we have done some marriage counseling. I'll be interested to hear how things progress for you.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? In my state, I can file for legal separation which would entitle me to spousal support to pay for our joint expenses. I have not done this as RAH has been supportive, but maybe this is something that would help cover your bills?

The main reason I wanted to respond is about your insurance...have you checked for an update on your coverage? If your insurance is managed under federal guidelines, it should have to comply with the "Mental Health Parity" law that says mental & nervous health is to be covered the same as other coverage. I would follow up with the administrator of your plan to see if there has been any updates to your coverage to include therapy.

FireSprite

Hi JustShy, so glad to read you are making such great strides in taking care of YOU. Your update sounds so much more positive & healing than you have in the past!!



I'm glad you shared about the things you have discovered re: ADD and the struggles it has given you in life. This is something I have long suspected is an issue for RAH but he isn't interested in getting an official diagnosis or opinion. I know that when I read through just a 10-point bullet list of the top signs/issues associated with it, I could immediately say "Yes" to 9/10 in regards to his behavior.

I know you are anxious to share all of this with your RAH but maybe it's better to just show him the changes you are making? If he's tired of listening & reading (text/email) then perhaps he'll notice changes faster if you DON'T communicate them outside of a therapy/couseling setting? Just an idea, reversing the psychology of what we family members expect of our addicts - we ask them to not tell us, but to show us. I realize this is a stretch and I'm not comparing the 2 behaviors AT ALL, it isn't even close to the "same thing"....