Pissed off that I am letting XABF get to me
 

It's so true what everyone says on here about No new contact = No new pain. I ran into my XABF (whom I broke up with a month ago) today at the club we're both members of. I went in there not intending to see him at all but he saw that I was there and came up to me and said hi. I really didn't want to deal with him but I said hi back. He asked me how I was doing and I said "Fine." He then said, "Come say bye before you leave." In my mind I was screaming HELL NO but my codependent worry-about-other-people's-feelings kicked in immediately and instead of saying "NO" I said "I don't think so" (codependent thinking: if I say No then I will hurt his feelings and then he won't like me and I will be a worthless person). Then he noted that I was being "cold" to him and that he wanted to talk sometime so he could have "closure." The conversation ended there.

I'm pissed off because 1) he thinks he has a right to ask or DEMAND things of me, 2) I have really been trying to practice valuing my own feelings above those of others and when I said "I don't think so" instead of "no" I feel like I let myself down, and 3) He wants closure from me!? I'm not asking him for closure! I'm trying to give myself the f****** closure I want!

It bothers me that I'm letting this bother me so much, but I am trying not to beat myself up for having angry feelings. I am honoring my feelings by just feeling the anger and not trying to reason it away. I am honoring my anger by venting on SR.

I am sure many of you have had the same experience of reacting to something emotionally, then immediately judging yourself harshly by saying "if I were further along in my recovery then I wouldn't even feel this way." Feeling bad for feeling bad. I want to stop that s*** right now.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

(PS I went to my first Alanon meeting last night!!)

So why don't you find a different place to socialize? If you are going to keep running into him there, it doesn't sound like it will be a very enjoyable place to hang out.

I suggest finding a new club, unless you want to start the pain rid over again.

It is a club for a niche industry and I am not willing to give up going because he is there. It is a little hard to fully explain how much this place means to me. I understand that this is a limitation I am putting on myself. In my mind it is similar to a work situation where you work in the same office or same floor of a building but are not forced to interact with each other.

BoxofRocks,

Is there a way to stop going there at least for the time being? If its something for your industry, and you think you need to maintain connections, is there another way to maintain those at least for now? I'd agree with the idea that avoiding it altogether is much better, but maybe at least for a cooling off period if you aren't able to cut it off entirely?

I say that because I know I felt so much more powerless in the face of my ExABF in his presence and feel bit by bit stronger with each day I have distance, even if I feel like crap for parts of those days. Having to see him or even anticipate possibly seeing your exABF has to be jarring and you DESErVE to make a better, healthier choice for yourself. Whoever the industry contacts are can be wooed or connected with other places too -- I'd really encourage you to give it a try. I'm finding that while I feel the pain and loss, not having any more contact is already helping me not feel as much anger and resentment (I feel it, it just isn't overpowering.).

Try doing that for yourself, at least in this acute phase, and maybe you'll find you can sustain the staying-away longer.

Hugs to you.

Hi Sadie, Thank you for your suggestion. It IS much better when I don't see him or hear from him. My brain gets this respite from having to think about it all the time...new contact is just new info for my brain to get all riled up about. Anyway thanks again.

forget closure. just another tactic to reel you back into the bs. ok you are mad about not having said no, I totally get it. recall that anger in the back of your mind next time you need to say no.

I agree with the others. if it were me I would find another club and seriously do you really have to be there? you need the space right now.