"You picked him/her."
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Welllll......many times, in the beginning, the behavior and history is screaming ADDICTION!!
The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.
dandylion
The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Actually... hearing the statement "you picked him" in this thread has given me the reminder I need today... this past week has been even more of a nightmare than usual... and I'm so angry... but reminding myself that I picked him, although it sucks, it is true. I am responsible for me. I'm not angry at myself for picking him. Not at the moment anyway lol. But somehow, just reminding myself that I picked him after reading this thread has calmed me down a bit. Peace.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by dandylion
Welllll......many times, in the beginning, the behavior and history is screaming ADDICTION!!
The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.
dandylion
The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.
dandylion
I know I sure ignored plenty of clues in all of my r-ship choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by blueskies1
i don't think it's about having "picked" them. Maybe you knew but were ignorant, didn't have a crystal ball, didn't understand it, didn't see the worst of it, etc., and onward.
It's about at some point your life becomes painful, and we have to find a way to stop being in so much pain. That's where the decision making and skill learning starts.
Having picked them as a partner is not evidence of our having some fatal flaw, anymore than having a child who later chose to become an addict, or a parent...or a friend.
I've said it. I remember saying it once to someone on this board. I was simply trying to remind the person that they chose to be in the relationship and that they could unchose that too. Remind the person that they played a part. It's so difficult to remember we are making choices and living a life when we are completely focused and obsessed about someone else! We forget we are half of the equation, with half the power, half the choices, and half the outcome.
It's about at some point your life becomes painful, and we have to find a way to stop being in so much pain. That's where the decision making and skill learning starts.
Having picked them as a partner is not evidence of our having some fatal flaw, anymore than having a child who later chose to become an addict, or a parent...or a friend.
I've said it. I remember saying it once to someone on this board. I was simply trying to remind the person that they chose to be in the relationship and that they could unchose that too. Remind the person that they played a part. It's so difficult to remember we are making choices and living a life when we are completely focused and obsessed about someone else! We forget we are half of the equation, with half the power, half the choices, and half the outcome.
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