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"You picked him/her."

Old 07-09-2013, 10:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Welllll......many times, in the beginning, the behavior and history is screaming ADDICTION!!

The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.

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Yes. If I'm honest with myself, there were warning signs. Not easy to admit, especially depending on who I am admitting it to. Here, not so hard to admit. For me, anyway. ETA: To clarify, because I think it is possible to misunderstand my last sentence as arrogant, I just mean that different people feel defensive over different things and to different degrees. For me it's not hard to admit the above here because I feel in good company. But for me to admit that to certain others may be harder, depending on my relationship and history with the given other people.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:00 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Actually... hearing the statement "you picked him" in this thread has given me the reminder I need today... this past week has been even more of a nightmare than usual... and I'm so angry... but reminding myself that I picked him, although it sucks, it is true. I am responsible for me. I'm not angry at myself for picking him. Not at the moment anyway lol. But somehow, just reminding myself that I picked him after reading this thread has calmed me down a bit. Peace.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:54 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Welllll......many times, in the beginning, the behavior and history is screaming ADDICTION!!

The newly "in love" tends to rationalize away any negative features--if they even see them at all. The love hormones definitely mask reality to a certain extent. I think it is a real problem with relationships (not just alcoholic) that we do not get to know the person well enough or long enough before making a committment. Also, we don't look close enough.

dandylion
yep.

I know I sure ignored plenty of clues in all of my r-ship choices.
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OnawaMiniya (07-09-2013)
Old 07-09-2013, 02:26 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by blueskies1 View Post
i don't think it's about having "picked" them. Maybe you knew but were ignorant, didn't have a crystal ball, didn't understand it, didn't see the worst of it, etc., and onward.

It's about at some point your life becomes painful, and we have to find a way to stop being in so much pain. That's where the decision making and skill learning starts.

Having picked them as a partner is not evidence of our having some fatal flaw, anymore than having a child who later chose to become an addict, or a parent...or a friend.

I've said it. I remember saying it once to someone on this board. I was simply trying to remind the person that they chose to be in the relationship and that they could unchose that too. Remind the person that they played a part. It's so difficult to remember we are making choices and living a life when we are completely focused and obsessed about someone else! We forget we are half of the equation, with half the power, half the choices, and half the outcome.
you are so right! I dont blame anyone but myself for getting into this situation. I have to get myself out of it. Thats why i said i am ready to do what it takes to live in peace.
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