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It's raining alcoholics

Old 07-08-2013, 06:41 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
And pick up the pace, zombies like us are slow,
if you walk fast, we won't catch you.

alcoholism is not catching,
but yeah, I know a lot of addicted people.

Beth
haha zombie movies are such a hit these days with preppers and other post apocalyptic movies!

For me, moth to the flame? Ordinary men are boring? Gotta have a big ego to attract me as some type of challenge? Men who truly take the lead which I love then fight against the very thing I am attracted to? Is this some type of confession on my part?
My SO and I are stumbling on our way to find balance, but at least we are going in that direction, accepting the stumbling as a normal part of our learning this new path, and so far accepting that this stumbling is not to be shameful although awkward at times.
Now if I could only make the cats get along....
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Old 07-08-2013, 11:52 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
But I believe it's the second -- that you can pick them out of a crowd pretty easily after having intimate experience of one. Even if they're sober you can pick them out.
I agree with this too - it's gotten to where I can pick up the most seemingly innocuous clues and just KNOW that addiction is afoot somewhere in the equation I am looking at.

Last weekend RAH & I went out for the first time in about 6 months. We used to be very socially active but since most of it revolved around bars & bands, it's been a difficult part of RAH's recovery. I haven't pushed the issue because as much as I miss seeing my favorite bands & live music (& I DO!) I can always arrange to do that on Girls' Nights without RAH.

So, he's finally at a point of having some time for music again & found a great project that is exactly what he's been looking for for quite a while. We ended up with an unplanned babysitter & just decide: hell with it, let's just go, check out our fave old hangout & see who's playing, who's hanging, what's the scoop on the peeps & projects right now.

This particular place has a great open bar seating area that faces the band & dance floor & the "pit" of tables down front, but overlooks from a few feet higher. It's my favorite spot to watch the crowd. We got there just before the music started & started playing "Name that Drunk"..... which dancing freak will be the first to fall on her arse? How many shots CAN one table of 6 order in 2 hours? Which drunken man at that table will be the first to get into an argument or outright fist fight? Who will be carried out at the end of the night? Who showed up already loaded & is drinking from their private flask in their pocket/purse/etc? How many people will fall down the 3 steps that separate the bar area from the dance floor? How many people will lose their equilibrium once they close their eyes on the dance floor & then get tripped up in the strobe lights when they reopen them?

I was right every. single. time. RAH was like, WTH!? I said, Oh PLEASE! Do you know how much more experience I have from THIS side of the stage? This is what a night at the bar has ALWAYS entailed when you aren't hammered & propped up against a drum kit! It was quite a lesson for him & we had a bit of fun with it, but I think it opened his eyes just a *teeny* bit wider.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:12 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Dreams and Arg:

I have been thinking about what you said about needing that kind of intensity to feel something. I am kind of a duality in that I am intense but can also be really laid back. I would think a lot of people are like this if you get to know what drives them. My dog passed away last year (at the young age of 19.5) and I was definitely depressed. My x's antics, intensity and drama were something easy for me to latch on to and distract myself from some serious pain I was feeling.

My x nor my friend that I mention in this thread, which also had a dog die a year before mine, showed much empathy. The friend went on to get another dog quickly. My x also has 2 wonderful pets she got in the last year, dog first, then cat. She picks really well and they are great. Most times I would go to her house the dog wouldn't have water...yet another thing explained by her drinking. Both pets are well taken care of and are at good weight (her mom checks up on them also).

I can see the depression/numb point. For me I see it as 2 broad possibilities:

1) If I meet a girl who is shy or not super chatty that doesn't mean she isn't passionate. I met this one girl at a party who was always kind of boring at socials, turns out she loves to hike, climb and mountain bike. She's more summer I'm more winter but either way there was more to her. Lesson: lack of instant attraction doesn't mean that person isn't fun, passionate, intense, loving, etc. Actually if I feel similar feelings initially like I have with my 2 xs that's now a red flag.

2) I like a woman who is passionate, driven, smart, etc. Say I'm attracted to a manic depressive, alcoholic, etc because they are intense (oh and they are driven but only surface deep). Well if I had not gotten wrapped up with them, perhaps the next girl I would have met is intense because she is fiercely passionate about saving dogs and giving massages =). One lesson I have been working on is to not get attached so quickly and feel like I owe them something. If it's not working(scratch that), if it's not what I want which includes a healthy relationship, "well it has been nice, gluck". That's what dating is for, trying people on for size, not getting wrapped up in a co-dependent relationship for months/years.

And in relation to the depression point, that's why I'm not going to date for the rest of the year. To make sure I'm stronger and not so numb.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:36 PM
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Zen,

I think you are wise to hold off dating for a while.

When I was talking about intense, I meant more the nature of the relationship as intense than his personality type. In fact, my ex was pretty laid back, at least on the outside.

I think the fighting makes things intense because there is so much upset followed by the ecstasy of the make-ups. It's a like a roller coaster ride of emotions. Plus, alcoholics are spontaneous and unpredictable. They call in the middle of the night, want to have sex in public, show up places unexpectedly etc.. All these things make the relationship intense. Not healthy but intense.

Zen, I feel like you got messed up with an alcoholic by chance, and are suffering because well, it sucks to be with an alcoholic. But you don't really strike me as a serious codie.You seem to have the right ideas about everything, and just need some time to meet the right woman. I feel like a healthy relationship is in your future. Do you agree?
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity View Post
Zen,

I think the fighting makes things intense because there is so much upset followed by the ecstasy of the make-ups. It's a like a roller coaster ride of emotions. Plus, alcoholics are spontaneous and unpredictable. They call in the middle of the night, want to have sex in public, show up places unexpectedly etc.. All these things make the relationship intense. Not healthy but intense.

Zen, I feel like you got messed up with an alcoholic by chance, and are suffering because well, it sucks to be with an alcoholic. But you don't really strike me as a serious codie.You seem to have the right ideas about everything, and just need some time to meet the right woman. I feel like a healthy relationship is in your future. Do you agree?
Thanks for the compliment. I must be doing something right! Actually you just described part of my relationship with the xagf, sex in public, etc. Intense, fun and addictive. One of the codie characteristics I exhibit is I have had a hard time saying no and standing up for stuff in fear of the other person rejecting me, and when people call me out on something regardless of if it is my fault or not, in the past I have taken that to be a relationship ending event.

My x before her was bipolar. I see a lot of me in these forums believe it or not. I'm just really trying to fix me because I know if I don't I'm going to get wrapped up in another unhealthy extreme.
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Old 07-08-2013, 02:20 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Zen, I'm glad you are working on all this now. Most people don't realize how unhealthy they are until they turn 40.

You seem really into nature which is great. I'm thinking if you find a woman who shares this passion, you will find intensity in your relationship thru the outdoor sports you do together. Who needs to fight after skiing powder all day?

Are you planning on working the 12 steps? I feel like I really need to do that, and am looking for a sponsor. I'm not saying you should do it too, I'm just curious about what your recovery plans are.
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Old 07-08-2013, 03:08 PM
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Dreams, I am so sorry someone fought with you after a powder day, that's just so wrong on so many levels. *hug*

It's weird when I'm on the mountain skiing it's like I have super powers and become a bad ass normie. I just won't tolerate anyone messing with my happy place. I once ditched this narcissistic girl, I once made a girl cry on the lift, a girl once complained I sprayed her (I could care less) etc. I'm not mean just up front and real.

For those of you who don't know what a powder day is, it's the holy grail of skiing. You feel amazing, as if you could fly. It's the most beautiful exquisite rush. A drug for sure.

I'm not sure about the 12 steps in a formal way and tbh I don't have enough information about it to make a decision. I have been working on them in my own way very superficially from information gathered here, al-anon and others. Either way I hear arguments to the contrary on different recovery modals. In my mind, be honest with oneself and do what works.
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Old 07-08-2013, 03:37 PM
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A bad ass normie? Haha. I want to be one of those so bad.

My friend that was abusing alcohol worked the 12 steps. It turned out she's not an alcoholic, nor is she religious at all, but she came away thinking everyone on Earth should work the 12 steps, that they are just a great framework for living one's life. I am attracted to the structure of them. There's also the fact I need to do something to take my recovery to the next level. I am stagnating at the "getting through the days" stage. I want to do better. I want to thrive.

Powder days in Utah are the best. They are the Holy Grail of Holy Grails. I still think you should move to San Fran though. My friend lives there and says there are tons of single women and good yoga studios.
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:35 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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This is the best thread to post this under..

True story: I was sitting in a crowded cafe this morning. I found a table and was working. An elderly man tried to squeeze by me carrying a glass of wine ( yes, in the AM) and he kind of stumbled and spilled half the thing all over me! I was thinking "Universe, are you efffing kidding me??" Somehow I found the strength to be nice to the man about it. I don't have time to go home and change so now I'm walking around smelling like an alkie myself.
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