Hope I'm in the correct forum for this post

Old 07-06-2013, 07:44 PM
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Hope I'm in the correct forum for this post

If not, please accept my apologies and let me know where to post. I need some opinions. I am new here. I am a 51yr old woman. I am disabled and have a lot of health problems. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety. My husband is an alcoholic. I was married to an alcoholic before and I know that abuse covers more than just physical beatings, etc. My husband is extremely verbally abusive even sober. He has anger problems and mental health issues. He will not get help for the alcoholism and even though he goes to doctors for the mental health problems, he will not take the meds they prescibe him. I don't know why he even goes. I have taken so much abuse from him and I'm fed up. Im sick and my nerves can't tolerate his being drunk and abusing me. I own my home (I owned it before we ever met). It's in my name alone. I told him if he brought another drop of alcohol here he'd have to go. I mean it too. He laughs at me and says he will drink if he wants to and there's nothing I can do about it. He makes fun of me for being sick and says everything is my fault (which I know its not). His parents who up until this week were enablers for his addiction, have cut ties with him and said they didn't want to hear his pity stories anymore and he couldn't run back to their home anymore to live free and stay drunk. They said they too were fed up with him. He is mad at them and me. What is some opinions you all may have on me putting my foot down and putting a stop to living my life in torment?
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:04 PM
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Dear bobbysocks, since you asked (LOL), my opinion is that the last thing a depressed and anxious person needs is to be living with an abusive alcoholic!! That may also be contributing to the depression and anxiety.

If you have been living with this for a while, no doubt, you have had an erosion of your self-esteem and self confidence. Probably, you have become somewhat isolated.....that usually goes with the package. The isolation can make you feel "stuck" and seriously underestimate your potential and options.

For starters, bobbysocks, how do you respond to this......?

very sin cerely,
dandylion

OH, by the way---Welcome!
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:17 PM
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Hi Bobbysocks, you are certainly in the right forum, and in the right place. You will find lots of support from others who have been through the pain of living with alcoholics.
The first thing that i thought of was, have you made up your mind to part with your husband, or is there some wriggle room like he can stay if he stops drinking? If you've decided he has to go whatever, then seeking legal advice and perhaps domestic violence advice. You have access to the internet so you can research where you can go for the practical side of things which involve court orders etc. This may be the only way of getting him out of the house if he refuses to move.
Be careful, make a plan, do your research and have a support network. There is a lot of reading on this site, and many threads and posts which follow people making the same journey as you. Best wishes.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:22 PM
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Hi, and welcome from me, too!

One suggestion, don't make any ultimatums until you are absolutely sure you will carry them out. It sounds as if you are ready to be done. Before you take any action, though, I suggest you talk to a lawyer. Even though the house is in your name, if he has been living there you may have to go through an eviction proceeding to get him out of there. The law is different in every state, so you really need some legal advice. In addition, you need to know what your rights and obligations would be if you separate and/or divorce.

One thought--you might want to talk with a domestic violence advocate to find out whether you might qualify for a restraining order/order of protection. Verbal abuse sometimes qualifies as "harassment", which can be a basis for obtaining such an order. If you qualify for one, he would have to leave and stay away from you and not contact you in any way. Might be worth looking into.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:33 PM
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Welcome Bobbysocks. You are definitely in the right place and have already received some great suggestions. Sounds like it is time for you to make a plan. I second/third/whatever seeing an attorney, calling a domestic violence center, etc. I'm concerned that your AH's verbal abuse could turn physical if you attempt to kick him out of the house without support.

The other thing for you is to take good care of yourself...check out Al-Anon (there are some meetings on-line if you can't go in person), educate yourself about alcoholism, abuse, etc. Making a plan and getting educated really helped to ease my anxiety. You're on your way, keep reading & posting.
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:33 AM
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Thank you everyone for your advice/opinions. Dandylion, you are so right. This situation has made my depression/anxiety sky rocket. I know this all too well. I donot need to be in this situation at all. Its taking a very serious toll on me. Ive been thru the domestic violence thing before with my last husband. I had a restraining order on him-he was physically abusive. he is now deceased. all I want in this world is to live out the rest of my time here in peace.I know that nobody can do anything about this situation but me and God. All I ask for is someone to talk to (moral support)and prayers. I thank you all for talking to me. I will be in and out of this site often, and I appreciate any and all support.
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Old 07-09-2013, 03:16 PM
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I have made up my mind that I will not allow anymore alcohol in my home. Husband or anyone else. Yes, he is mad as fire at me (and at his parents because they wouldn't come 135 miles to get him so he could go to their house and stay drunk). I am ready to live alone if that's what it takes. I simply can not handle a drunk. i'm sorry if I sound mean- I certainly don't mean to be. But I have suffered most of my life because I have allowed someone else and their problems to be pushed off on me. I didn't HAVE to take it-but I did and that's MY fault. If he leaves again, he can stay gone. I will make it alone. I have a few family members left I can count on and GOD. I flat out told hubby NO MORE ALCOHOL HERE PERIOD. He will have to decide which is more important to him- a good, decent wife and a home, or alcohol. I have gone beyond caring. Of course he is blaming me and acting like a 3yr old, pouting and doing things for spite. But thats ok- its not bothering me. He has finally (I think) seen that he can not continue to push his drinking off on others. I think his parent's message came across loud and clear last week. They said NO WAY! He has no place to go but here unless he mans up and gets a place of his own which I seriously doubt he will do. I know I'd be a LOT better off without him so I'm not going to let it worry me. Nothing is worth losing your salvation and sanity over. Absolutely nothing on this earth. Maybe the "tough love' will work for him, but I have my doubts about that too. Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate any and all opinions on this, as I do need moral support. And LOTS of prayers. God Bless you all.
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Old 07-09-2013, 04:28 PM
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I hope you can find your boundaries and stick to them.

If he gets out of line, i.e. screaming, fist pounding off tables/counters, kicking and destroying things, threatening in any way shape or form, call 911 and you have his ass hauled out of that house.

You do not have to put up with an overgrown manchild who has never grown up. I'm thinking he oughta have a job because his ass is gonna need one if you stick to your boundaries.

Draw the line in the sand and if he crosses it, show him the door. Say what you mean and mean what you say!
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:01 PM
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Hi bobbysocks,

Both your physical and mental health will improve when he is gone. You own your home; this is already a huge advantage. Keep posting. The SR veterans can guide and support you through this.

Welcome!!
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Old 07-09-2013, 05:17 PM
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Hi Bobby socks - I think this link should help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:02 PM
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Hello and welcome, Bobbysocks.

First and foremost, I hope you are physically safe. Others have given good advice. This forum is great and you will find so much positive support here. Definitely keep posting!
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:25 PM
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I will be praying for you. Know the Lord will give you the strength that you need. And craddle you in His loving arms.
You are doing the right thing. Had to do it myself this past weekend. AH has moved out. There have been some difficult moments, however I have heels dug in. No returning until he is 2 years alcohol free.
I advise that you reach out and get help where ever you can.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:04 PM
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THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!! Even though I have already made up my mind and am sticking to my guns, you don't know how empowered your replies make me feel! Now I truly feel as though I do have some moral support! That and prayer is all I ask for or need! He can stay or go- I honestly do not care anymore. I am taking this in steps, so I'll be back in soon to tell you more. Thanks again!
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:40 PM
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bobbysocks - welcome! I have found so much support here. Glad you're feeling it too. I have found al anon to be very helpful as well and reading the "stickies" up at the top of the forum has been great. Wishes of strength and hope for you.
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:37 PM
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thank you Springs!!! wishes of hope and strength to you too!!
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Old 07-10-2013, 09:25 AM
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Hi bobbysocks, and welcome. It's normal for the A to get angry when we start to set boundaries for ourselves. I was taught that it's okay for my ABF to have his reaction to my boundaries.....it doesn't mean I have to change my plan.

One of the first things we learn in AlAnon is the "3 C's". We didn't Cause the alcoholism, we can't Cure it, and we can't Control it. The only thing we have control over is our own life and future. Your AH has the right to drink if that's his choice, and you have the right to decide you won't live with an A.

There are great sticky's at the top of this page. "The Language of Letting Go" and "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie are great books. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, there is tremendous support in those rooms. Take care of you.
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Old 07-10-2013, 09:31 AM
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Welcome and I totally know u r in the right place,everything's pretty. Much been said but I'd suggest to get a lawyer as well,maybe even go to the court house and get a restraint order and that'll make him leave..the last thing u need is an abusive drunk on ur hands..keep posting and know u r not alone...
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Old 07-10-2013, 07:50 PM
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thank you JettBoy.
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