Understanding the yos and downs
 

My husband and I had a misunderstanding that turned into a fight. Major set back for him...now he feels like giving up on everything, him, treatment, us... He keeps saying he just wants to fade away and he doesn't know who he is. I'm sure depression is common in recovery since he is facing a lot. What do I do during this time? I knew I can't make it better or make any choices for him but is hard to step aside and watch him hurt

That's pretty much what you have to do, though. Step aside and let him hurt. I don't recommend watching. He has to learn to deal with strong emotions, sober. It was the hardest part of early sobriety for me. I didn't want to pick up a drink, but feeling all those feelings really sucked in the beginning.

I suggest finding something to do that gets you away from him while he works this through. If he drinks, it won't be because you did something wrong. He should be talking to a sober alcoholic about how he feels. When he gets tired enough of feeling miserable maybe he will start following suggestions.

Thanks lexie

In not physically sitting there watching him between my work and meetings/ counseling and finding time to sleep right now I try to give him the space he wants. I try to spend just down quiet time with him when he is ok with it.

I just don't want a stupid fight (in retrospect) that I started to push him any deeper into the struggle he is having with finding himself and finding a way to like himself again

gubersbunny, remember that anything you do or don't do is going to deter him from his recovery if he wants it. He has to learn to deal with life on l ife's terms just the same way that you (and all of us) have to.

He needs lots of space from you right now--and the same for you.

I remember the first time my oldest son needed stitches for a small laceration on his chin as a toddler. In the E.R., as I turned him over to the staff--the Dr. told me that "this is going to be harder for you than for him" and suggested that I go for a short walk outside. I did so, cause I don't think I could have stood by watching him cry.

I think, in a sort of way, this is similar---it is hard to watch a loved one in pain and not have the impulse to "make it better". The problem is, that this doesn't work very well with addiction recovery. They have to learn to cope with the emotions that alcohol, formerly, used to do.

He has very capable people at his disposal to help him.

Early recovery is hard on everyone.

dandylion

I agree with other posters that he has to tackle his own feelings. However there's nothing wrong with reminding him that all this will get better with time, just like you would with any friend recovering from just about anything. Support without stepping into his recovery. "I'm sorry we had that misunderstanding and that it blew up into a fight, but you do have my support in your sobriety and challenges." or something to that effect. Short and sweet without getting enmeshed, and something to soften any lasting effects from the blowout you two had.

I tend to agree with BlueSkies, and please keep in mind that you really need to handle things in the way that best fits the relationship between you and your husband. There is not one precise way to handle any of this stuff. My husband and I both used private therapy. He did a rehab based on this and still continues to work with a doctor, he is 14+ months clean now. His doctors included marriage counseling as part of his recovery, so that we could work through our past issues, and really focus on healthy interdependence. We started very early; when he was at about 6 weeks into a 12 week rehab. Its ok to talk and share with your husband, and its ok to be part of his recovery; you just have to determine what is comfortable for both of you - and that is different for everyone. He has to lead his own recovery process, he has to find his own way and grow confident in himself... And you also have to find your own way, deal with your own issues. Just keep in mind for many people there is crossover and it works just fine. It did for my family.

Thanks for the all the help.

But I don't think I'm making myself understood about why I'm asking for some advice to get started.

I'm not asking what to do for HIM I'm asking what to do for ME during this time of struggle.

I already know he has to make his own decisions and choices to get and stay clean and sober. I'm not trying do that for him.
I am trying to figure out how to handle my feelings of regret and shame in the situation. He and I are only a couple weeks into the recovery process and its been rocky as expected but some things I/we have said or done when it escalated into a fight I just can't get out of my head.
He stopped going to his meetings the last few days and just sits or sleeps all day saying he just wants to fade away.
I'm trying to stay positive and stay getting more involved in my side of our combined recovery and my personal recovery. But I just can't quite get the thought of me sort of kicking him when he was down with the fight out if my head.

I'm not really asking for anyone to fix my situation but right now I feel out on an island and everything I try gets me more lost rather than closer to being found. Maybe in just need to sit and tell someone how I'm feeling and just get it onto paper or something. Maybe i just feel like needing to whine a little about how lost I feel and scared I am seeing him hurt. I don't know

But thank you all for listening

It's a process. You aren't going to be perfect; he isn't going to be perfect. No need to beat yourself up. We are all human and sometimes we say or do the wrong thing. And even when alcoholism isn't in the picture, relationships are plain difficult at times. Everyone occasionally says or does something that hurts his or her partner. You apologize when you do that, make it right if you can, and then let it go.

Go ahead and vent, but try not to obsess over it. Sometimes we can work ourselves into quite a state feeling desperate to feel BETTER. Better takes time. It's hard to be patient--believe me, I know! Keep working on getting to meetings for yourself. You also might find it helpful to get some good reading material. Al-Anon has some great books and there are a number of others that people here often recommend.

Thanks so much. It crazy the level I patience I can have at work (I'm an OT and athletic trainer) with patients who don't do anything they are supposed to do to get better and be able to go home. And how little patience I have for my husband and I to get Rolling on the right paths for recovery. I'm working on that every day by trying to find one small thing I can change and setting my mind to making that change for the better .
Just get derailed sometimes along the way and not sucks

I think you just have to realize its a journey, and you learn by trial and error. Obviously he is fragile emotionally right now, and this could even could have been triggered by any number of things. I had many things happen during early recovery that I wish Id handled a little differently, but we cant go back. We can do our best to apologize and then just try to move forward. It helped me to talk to my therapist, sometimes just to vent my feelings. She also suggested I write things out. And she always asked me to look a little deeper at my feelings - what was behind them. It helped a lot. And then going back and reading what I wrote I gained perspective on my own emotional state. So I would suggest this, and also keep coming here to SR - What is better than shouting out to the universe; where you know its all safe and sound.

gubersbunny - I feel you. I am not proud of how jumpy and critical I'm being with my RAH. I understand that I need more recovery to be the person I want to be in this situation but it is so hard. No advice, just commiseration.

Thanks springs sometimes commiseration is more helpful than advice.
Knowing that others are working through similar things makes taking minute by minute and day by day easier