Reflections on Seeing the Past, Looking Toward the Future
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Reflections on Seeing the Past, Looking Toward the Future
I went back and worked with my XAH a year after I left him to get our jointly owned home ready to sell. We were married over 20 years. I left him a year ago because he was an abusive alcoholic with cross addictions and his behavior became outrageous and scary.
In the intervening year, he stopped drinking much at all, and sobered up enough to deeply regret his past behavior to me. He wanted me to come back. He apologized for what he did.
The pull was very strong, but I realized that, even though he was now apparently not the almost psychotic rageful alcoholic that he had been, I did not want to be with him.
I drove the long drive back and forth many times from my new town to my old home. We had some honest and reflective conversations about what happened. He, amidst his charming repentant demeanor, showed flashes of rage, and when he was upset, he poured himself a drink. I left when he did that. I went home.
You can paint over the stripes on a zebra, but when it rains, they will wash off.
And, having let myself be dominated, gas-lighted, and suffer from Stockholm syndrome at his hands, I had just about lost myself to his control when I was married to him.
This past year I have worked long and hard to heal, to grow, to find myself again, and I am building a happy fulfilling life for myself in a new town full of the arts that I love and lots of natural beauty. I am content on my own.
I had to see him again. Or, I should say I chose to see him again. He is living in our house and the Judge awarded most of the equity to me in the divorce settlement, and it had to be fixed up to sell. It was a risk, and I weighed it and decided that the financial stakes for me were high enough to make it worth it. And I think I wanted a better emotional conclusion for myself to this tumultuous 20 year marriage.
So I met him again, and he is mostly sober now, more reflective, more regretful of his own behavior. And I decided that I did not want to be with him. I want to be on my own, living the life that lets me be free to be who I am, who I want to be.
My vulnerabilities play into his dominance too easily, and I can see how quickly I could slide right back into living in his agenda, living in his life rather than my own. I think perhaps the summary of my recovery and his was when he said “It makes me sad to see you cry when I ask you to come back to me.”
It surfaced heartbreak again for me. I essentially made the choice to affirm my choice to divorce him, even though I could see the good parts of our past life together.
It had its emotional costs for me, to see him again. Having done it, it is better for me to have resolved the angst, anger and pain that I felt when I left him. But it had its real costs. It set my recovery back. I returned to deep places of pain, of loss, of regret. And I had to - and have to - heal again.
I think will heal deeper, stronger, fuller because I went back and "revisited the scene of the crime" so to speak, and came away understanding that I did make the right choice to flee. Now I am leaving much more rationally, and I know, however great the pull, I am better off on my own. But my own regrets surface now, the loss of 20 years, some of which was wonderful.
My marriage was like the nursery rhyme
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
And when she was bad,
She was horrid.
This week is momentous. Today I am wishing my former husband of 20 years happy 70th birthday and he is celebrating it with his new girlfriend and his family, my former family.
Today the For Sale sign goes up on our joint house, and it is on the market.
By the end of the week, I will have closed on and moved into my own charming little house in my new city by the ocean with my little dog for company. And new friends here, and a new community that welcomes me.
Was it worth it to have seen and talked with him? I don’t know. I think long term it was.
This moment, it is so hard to look loss in the eye, knowing I have chosen it in the belief that I can create a happier, more fulfilling life in the future on my own.
All I see around me right is boxes. Life packed up and given away from the past. Life packed up and waiting from my temporary refuge for the past year. Life packed up and ready to unpack, only what I want and what I value, for the future.
I am neither here nor there at the moment, and this is a space of reflection, but more than that, a space of waiting. Like a little eddy in the fast moving stream that has caught me for a moment and held me so that I see back to where I’ve been even as I look forward to where I am going.
Soon it will be time.
ShootingStar1
In the intervening year, he stopped drinking much at all, and sobered up enough to deeply regret his past behavior to me. He wanted me to come back. He apologized for what he did.
The pull was very strong, but I realized that, even though he was now apparently not the almost psychotic rageful alcoholic that he had been, I did not want to be with him.
I drove the long drive back and forth many times from my new town to my old home. We had some honest and reflective conversations about what happened. He, amidst his charming repentant demeanor, showed flashes of rage, and when he was upset, he poured himself a drink. I left when he did that. I went home.
You can paint over the stripes on a zebra, but when it rains, they will wash off.
And, having let myself be dominated, gas-lighted, and suffer from Stockholm syndrome at his hands, I had just about lost myself to his control when I was married to him.
This past year I have worked long and hard to heal, to grow, to find myself again, and I am building a happy fulfilling life for myself in a new town full of the arts that I love and lots of natural beauty. I am content on my own.
I had to see him again. Or, I should say I chose to see him again. He is living in our house and the Judge awarded most of the equity to me in the divorce settlement, and it had to be fixed up to sell. It was a risk, and I weighed it and decided that the financial stakes for me were high enough to make it worth it. And I think I wanted a better emotional conclusion for myself to this tumultuous 20 year marriage.
So I met him again, and he is mostly sober now, more reflective, more regretful of his own behavior. And I decided that I did not want to be with him. I want to be on my own, living the life that lets me be free to be who I am, who I want to be.
My vulnerabilities play into his dominance too easily, and I can see how quickly I could slide right back into living in his agenda, living in his life rather than my own. I think perhaps the summary of my recovery and his was when he said “It makes me sad to see you cry when I ask you to come back to me.”
It surfaced heartbreak again for me. I essentially made the choice to affirm my choice to divorce him, even though I could see the good parts of our past life together.
It had its emotional costs for me, to see him again. Having done it, it is better for me to have resolved the angst, anger and pain that I felt when I left him. But it had its real costs. It set my recovery back. I returned to deep places of pain, of loss, of regret. And I had to - and have to - heal again.
I think will heal deeper, stronger, fuller because I went back and "revisited the scene of the crime" so to speak, and came away understanding that I did make the right choice to flee. Now I am leaving much more rationally, and I know, however great the pull, I am better off on my own. But my own regrets surface now, the loss of 20 years, some of which was wonderful.
My marriage was like the nursery rhyme
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
And when she was bad,
She was horrid.
This week is momentous. Today I am wishing my former husband of 20 years happy 70th birthday and he is celebrating it with his new girlfriend and his family, my former family.
Today the For Sale sign goes up on our joint house, and it is on the market.
By the end of the week, I will have closed on and moved into my own charming little house in my new city by the ocean with my little dog for company. And new friends here, and a new community that welcomes me.
Was it worth it to have seen and talked with him? I don’t know. I think long term it was.
This moment, it is so hard to look loss in the eye, knowing I have chosen it in the belief that I can create a happier, more fulfilling life in the future on my own.
All I see around me right is boxes. Life packed up and given away from the past. Life packed up and waiting from my temporary refuge for the past year. Life packed up and ready to unpack, only what I want and what I value, for the future.
I am neither here nor there at the moment, and this is a space of reflection, but more than that, a space of waiting. Like a little eddy in the fast moving stream that has caught me for a moment and held me so that I see back to where I’ve been even as I look forward to where I am going.
Soon it will be time.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
A little off topic..but you write like and seem to be a character in a Rosamunde Pilcher novel. Romantic and insightful. Right down to your cottage near the ocean. I hope next year this time, I sound just like you! Thank you!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Oh boy, now I'm crying....
ShootingStar, you are eloquent. But even more than that, you are brave. And wise.
Why does the path of courage have to be so sad?
Maybe I'm projecting my own sadness onto you/your story..... but I'm here in my little Hansel and Gretel house in a quiet suburb where I'm closer to friends and work. With my little dog.
geez, I don't know what else to say; I guess I'm just too choked up...the subject of Loss and being "left alone" doesn't go over easy for me.
Thank you for sharing that. For sharing that vignette of where you've been and where you are now....
ShootingStar, you are eloquent. But even more than that, you are brave. And wise.
Why does the path of courage have to be so sad?
Maybe I'm projecting my own sadness onto you/your story..... but I'm here in my little Hansel and Gretel house in a quiet suburb where I'm closer to friends and work. With my little dog.
geez, I don't know what else to say; I guess I'm just too choked up...the subject of Loss and being "left alone" doesn't go over easy for me.
Thank you for sharing that. For sharing that vignette of where you've been and where you are now....
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
ShootingStar, this post makes me think of a couple things. First of all, that you got a sense of closure, albeit painful, but one that will eventually make you stronger and better because of it. I didn't get that; many of us don't. My ex - to the very final day of our association - blamed me for this "bad marriage" he thought he had. Sadly he never could connect the dots between his drinking and subsequent behavior and the "bad marriage". And I use that term in quotes because it is his term, not mine.
You got amends; in the best way he could offer them. Good for you! At the end of the day, you can look at him with some sense of respect again, for at least acknowledging what happened and apologizing for it.
Secondly, you are able to see your future with him clearly and weigh it rationally. That takes courage, and I applaud you for that. You are right - it would be so easy to go back, to slide into the comfortable.
Starting over is scary, no matter what age we are. Change is scary. The time "in-between" can be very dark and lonely at times. The sadness and grief can be overwhelming some days. But the only way thorough it is through it. Thanks for being such a good example of what that looks like, because at the other end is a bright and shiny life - be it a cottage by the sea or a cabin in the mountains or a condo in the city...there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and what an amazing feeling when we are finally standing in it!
Wishing you lots of peaceful and art-filled days ahead.
~T
You got amends; in the best way he could offer them. Good for you! At the end of the day, you can look at him with some sense of respect again, for at least acknowledging what happened and apologizing for it.
Secondly, you are able to see your future with him clearly and weigh it rationally. That takes courage, and I applaud you for that. You are right - it would be so easy to go back, to slide into the comfortable.
Starting over is scary, no matter what age we are. Change is scary. The time "in-between" can be very dark and lonely at times. The sadness and grief can be overwhelming some days. But the only way thorough it is through it. Thanks for being such a good example of what that looks like, because at the other end is a bright and shiny life - be it a cottage by the sea or a cabin in the mountains or a condo in the city...there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and what an amazing feeling when we are finally standing in it!
Wishing you lots of peaceful and art-filled days ahead.
~T
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
ShootingStar, this post makes me think of a couple things. First of all, that you got a sense of closure, albeit painful, but one that will eventually make you stronger and better because of it. I didn't get that; many of us don't. My ex - to the very final day of our association - blamed me for this "bad marriage" he thought he had. Sadly he never could connect the dots between his drinking and subsequent behavior and the "bad marriage". And I use that term in quotes because it is his term, not mine.
You got amends; in the best way he could offer them. Good for you! At the end of the day, you can look at him with some sense of respect again, for at least acknowledging what happened and apologizing for it.
Secondly, you are able to see your future with him clearly and weigh it rationally. That takes courage, and I applaud you for that. You are right - it would be so easy to go back, to slide into the comfortable.
Starting over is scary, no matter what age we are. Change is scary. The time "in-between" can be very dark and lonely at times. The sadness and grief can be overwhelming some days. But the only way thorough it is through it. Thanks for being such a good example of what that looks like, because at the other end is a bright and shiny life - be it a cottage by the sea or a cabin in the mountains or a condo in the city...there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and what an amazing feeling when we are finally standing in it!
Wishing you lots of peaceful and art-filled days ahead.
~T
You got amends; in the best way he could offer them. Good for you! At the end of the day, you can look at him with some sense of respect again, for at least acknowledging what happened and apologizing for it.
Secondly, you are able to see your future with him clearly and weigh it rationally. That takes courage, and I applaud you for that. You are right - it would be so easy to go back, to slide into the comfortable.
Starting over is scary, no matter what age we are. Change is scary. The time "in-between" can be very dark and lonely at times. The sadness and grief can be overwhelming some days. But the only way thorough it is through it. Thanks for being such a good example of what that looks like, because at the other end is a bright and shiny life - be it a cottage by the sea or a cabin in the mountains or a condo in the city...there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and what an amazing feeling when we are finally standing in it!
Wishing you lots of peaceful and art-filled days ahead.
~T
Tuffgirl....
geez, now I'm speechless again....that was so encouraging. Wise. Hopeful (realistic hope, not "Codie-Hope", if you know what I mean.....)
Just what I needed!!!! Thank you thank you thank you....goddammit, I'm overwhelmed with emotion..... crying all over again.
The In-Between Place <----thank you for spelling that out---I SO needed to have it named and explained for me. (AGAIN!!! When I'm in the painful thoughts and feelings, the stuff I "know" goes right out the window.)
I'm in that in-between place and I hate it. Seriously. I hate this. So scary.
And thank you for saying it: gotta just get through it. I guess that reminds me that there IS more. I keep forgetting that.
geez I am just so GRATEFUL for this board because of you and everyone here. !!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Just at the moment, if I could change my decision and take him back, I would do it in a moment. The tears just keep pouring down my cheeks. I am doubting myself so badly. I have taken on so much difficulty, and I am scared. And I miss the good parts of him.
So I will go back to packing boxes in this sweltering heat, and just let the tears come,I guess. Who thought this would be so so hard? Was he really so bad? Couldn't I grow enough to hold my own?
I have to have faith in myself now. My Higher Power has led me here every step of the way. I have to have faith that I have done the right thing, maybe I should say the best thing. For me.
The parts of me that have surfaced belong to me now. I didn't write for the 20 years I was with him. He was so ill, so many medical issues, and then the alcoholism on top of it all. All I focused on was him. I just have to stop second guessing myself.
The die is cast. If I were to go back now, he is already making a commitment to someone else. At 62, I could never get out again, especially financially. And it could go south so quickly.
I have done what I need to do, though for the life of me at this very moment, I can't remember why I did it. I need your help.
ShootingStar1
So I will go back to packing boxes in this sweltering heat, and just let the tears come,I guess. Who thought this would be so so hard? Was he really so bad? Couldn't I grow enough to hold my own?
I have to have faith in myself now. My Higher Power has led me here every step of the way. I have to have faith that I have done the right thing, maybe I should say the best thing. For me.
The parts of me that have surfaced belong to me now. I didn't write for the 20 years I was with him. He was so ill, so many medical issues, and then the alcoholism on top of it all. All I focused on was him. I just have to stop second guessing myself.
The die is cast. If I were to go back now, he is already making a commitment to someone else. At 62, I could never get out again, especially financially. And it could go south so quickly.
I have done what I need to do, though for the life of me at this very moment, I can't remember why I did it. I need your help.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I remember the first day you posted.
You were devastated.
I don't want you ever to be devastated in that way again.
I went back many times Shootingstar,
it always ended up in the same exact place , me devastated, trying to state my case, him blaming everything on me, it was your fault I yelled at you, your fault I didn't want to see you, your fault we had an argument, you are an evil person, it is a priviledge to be with me, I am a laid back guy who never causes anyone pain.
Shootingstar, he has no recovery, he is not anymore well than he was the day you left.
He is desparate to hold on to the same thing you want to hold on to, a dyfunctional relationship in which he did what ever he wanted and you took care of him.
This will pass, I'm sorry you are hurting, I still hurt too somedays, but I know if I ever go back, he will devastate me again.
sending love Katie
You were devastated.
I don't want you ever to be devastated in that way again.
I went back many times Shootingstar,
it always ended up in the same exact place , me devastated, trying to state my case, him blaming everything on me, it was your fault I yelled at you, your fault I didn't want to see you, your fault we had an argument, you are an evil person, it is a priviledge to be with me, I am a laid back guy who never causes anyone pain.
Shootingstar, he has no recovery, he is not anymore well than he was the day you left.
He is desparate to hold on to the same thing you want to hold on to, a dyfunctional relationship in which he did what ever he wanted and you took care of him.
This will pass, I'm sorry you are hurting, I still hurt too somedays, but I know if I ever go back, he will devastate me again.
sending love Katie
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
ShootingStar...
((((((((you))))))))
it's strange, and unfair that doing the right and healthy thing is always so damn hard. So PAINFUL. It just doesn't make sense, to me.....
Anyway, here's some reflection back of what I noticed you said---
*I didn't write for the 20 years I was with him. ... All I focused on was him.
@You didn't write for 20 years! Look at the talent you have, that you set aside for a sick situation.
*he is already making a commitment to someone else.
@ Ow. That hurts. And it's only been a year? And less than that since he asked you to come back?? Geez!!! What do you think that says about him? I've got some words for what that says about him. Let me know if you'd like to hear them!!!!
*I could never get out again, especially financially. And it could go south so quickly.
@ Truth.
Hope this helps get your mojo about you again, ShootingStar.
I sure wish it was easier to keep our mind on the facts, instead of the painful loss of fantasy.... I wish taking the Wise road FELT more like the Easy Road!!!!!
more hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))))) )
((((((((you))))))))
it's strange, and unfair that doing the right and healthy thing is always so damn hard. So PAINFUL. It just doesn't make sense, to me.....
Anyway, here's some reflection back of what I noticed you said---
*I didn't write for the 20 years I was with him. ... All I focused on was him.
@You didn't write for 20 years! Look at the talent you have, that you set aside for a sick situation.
*he is already making a commitment to someone else.
@ Ow. That hurts. And it's only been a year? And less than that since he asked you to come back?? Geez!!! What do you think that says about him? I've got some words for what that says about him. Let me know if you'd like to hear them!!!!
*I could never get out again, especially financially. And it could go south so quickly.
@ Truth.
Hope this helps get your mojo about you again, ShootingStar.
I sure wish it was easier to keep our mind on the facts, instead of the painful loss of fantasy.... I wish taking the Wise road FELT more like the Easy Road!!!!!
more hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))))) )
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Katiekate
I remember the first day you posted.
You were devastated.
I don't want you ever to be devastated in that way again.
I went back many times Shootingstar,
it always ended up in the same exact place , me devastated, trying to state my case, him blaming everything on me, it was your fault I yelled at you, your fault I didn't want to see you, your fault we had an argument, you are an evil person, it is a priviledge to be with me, I am a laid back guy who never causes anyone pain.
Shootingstar, he has no recovery, he is not anymore well than he was the day you left.
He is desparate to hold on to the same thing you want to hold on to, a dyfunctional relationship in which he did what ever he wanted and you took care of him.
This will pass, I'm sorry you are hurting, I still hurt too somedays, but I know if I ever go back, he will devastate me again.
sending love Katie
You were devastated.
I don't want you ever to be devastated in that way again.
I went back many times Shootingstar,
it always ended up in the same exact place , me devastated, trying to state my case, him blaming everything on me, it was your fault I yelled at you, your fault I didn't want to see you, your fault we had an argument, you are an evil person, it is a priviledge to be with me, I am a laid back guy who never causes anyone pain.
Shootingstar, he has no recovery, he is not anymore well than he was the day you left.
He is desparate to hold on to the same thing you want to hold on to, a dyfunctional relationship in which he did what ever he wanted and you took care of him.
This will pass, I'm sorry you are hurting, I still hurt too somedays, but I know if I ever go back, he will devastate me again.
sending love Katie
I needed to hear this too, KatieKate.
"I am a laid back guy who never causes anyone pain."----- mine said that too, thank you for reminding me. I needed to remember he said that, while the reality was that, Yeah, he was laid back--distant from everyone, barely ever saying anything. Or being Mr. drunk and friendly.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Shootingstar, your post--especially when you ask yourself "was it really so bad?", just reminds me of something that I read which was written by those who work with abused spouses. Apparently, there is a hormone that is secreted that is similar to pitocin (as in childbirth) when one is in the midst of a very overwhelmingly frightening/threatening/painful situation, like an abusive episode. Thus, after the episode is over, there is a relative amnesia for the event. This is why women remember that there was pain BUT can't actually feel the pain or remember just how bad it was. The researchers speculate that this is why abused women often think "maybe it wasn't THAT bad"
I just thought that this m ight be an interesting concept for you, right now.
Also, you m ust remember that one year is still rather early in grief time. Also, anniversaries are always He**---esp. that Ist. one!!
You are doing great, walking through it. Just keep facing forward and you are going to be fine (or better than fine).
dandylion
I just thought that this m ight be an interesting concept for you, right now.
Also, you m ust remember that one year is still rather early in grief time. Also, anniversaries are always He**---esp. that Ist. one!!
You are doing great, walking through it. Just keep facing forward and you are going to be fine (or better than fine).
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 199
ShootingStar,
You are a beautiful writer.
You have a brave and glorious heart.
You are caring for yourself and it shows deeply and truly.
I can only imagine the open wounds you're feeling after freshly slicing them, but I agree with other posters that the healing that happens now will be even stronger and lifelong. I see how much strength you have, do not be hard on yourself for feeling the depth of the pain, I wish you so much joy and richness in your healing that happens from this pain.
You are very brave. You are an inspirations. I send you hugs, love and light, in abundance.
You are a beautiful writer.
You have a brave and glorious heart.
You are caring for yourself and it shows deeply and truly.
I can only imagine the open wounds you're feeling after freshly slicing them, but I agree with other posters that the healing that happens now will be even stronger and lifelong. I see how much strength you have, do not be hard on yourself for feeling the depth of the pain, I wish you so much joy and richness in your healing that happens from this pain.
You are very brave. You are an inspirations. I send you hugs, love and light, in abundance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thank you all for being here for me. I really needed you.
I am doing much better this evening. My upstairs neighbor came down and took me to the ocean and I remembered why I am in this lovely town.
My daughter called and told me she would come up on Monday and help me pack.
My son called and told me I made the right decision. Said he'd be available to tell me that anytime I wanted to call him. He and his family are away for the weekend at a wedding which I didn't know, so I don't feel so abandoned.
Dandylion, what you said about abused women having a hormone released that makes them forget the intensity of the abuse is new to me, but it makes sense. I will try to read about it. I should probably go back and read about recovering from abuse again.
And you are right, it is only a year, a big anniversary with too much else going with my house up for sale as of today.
KatieKate, thanks for being such a dear friend and remembering how I was when I came to SoberRecovery. I was terrified, abuse, fleeing, locking my door and having my address sealed. I should go back and read those early posts again. You have been such a staunch supporter, and I hear the wisdom of what you are saying. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you to go back, and you are right, I am gone and that's where I need to be.
Argnotthisagain, you are right. Those are very big red flags, and I need to remember that. He is choosing his new woman the way he chose me 20 years ago after his second wife died. I didn't know it then, but I can see now that he decided to find a woman with children and marry her so he didn't have to live alone, and he chose me. He did love me, but now that I look back, I see that there was a utilitarian quality to his choice. I was there, I was beautiful then, and he swept me off my feet.
Tuffgirl, he did make amends as best he could, and I do honor that. He did what he did, but he wishes he hadn't and to even say that is far more than I expected him to ever understand or acknowledge.
Thank all of you for coming to my rescue. I'll go to bed early and take care of myself tonight. I hope that tomorrow will be better. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara when I write that...
ShootingStar1
I am doing much better this evening. My upstairs neighbor came down and took me to the ocean and I remembered why I am in this lovely town.
My daughter called and told me she would come up on Monday and help me pack.
My son called and told me I made the right decision. Said he'd be available to tell me that anytime I wanted to call him. He and his family are away for the weekend at a wedding which I didn't know, so I don't feel so abandoned.
Dandylion, what you said about abused women having a hormone released that makes them forget the intensity of the abuse is new to me, but it makes sense. I will try to read about it. I should probably go back and read about recovering from abuse again.
And you are right, it is only a year, a big anniversary with too much else going with my house up for sale as of today.
KatieKate, thanks for being such a dear friend and remembering how I was when I came to SoberRecovery. I was terrified, abuse, fleeing, locking my door and having my address sealed. I should go back and read those early posts again. You have been such a staunch supporter, and I hear the wisdom of what you are saying. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you to go back, and you are right, I am gone and that's where I need to be.
Argnotthisagain, you are right. Those are very big red flags, and I need to remember that. He is choosing his new woman the way he chose me 20 years ago after his second wife died. I didn't know it then, but I can see now that he decided to find a woman with children and marry her so he didn't have to live alone, and he chose me. He did love me, but now that I look back, I see that there was a utilitarian quality to his choice. I was there, I was beautiful then, and he swept me off my feet.
Tuffgirl, he did make amends as best he could, and I do honor that. He did what he did, but he wishes he hadn't and to even say that is far more than I expected him to ever understand or acknowledge.
Thank all of you for coming to my rescue. I'll go to bed early and take care of myself tonight. I hope that tomorrow will be better. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara when I write that...
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Argnotthisagain, you are right. Those are very big red flags, and I need to remember that. He is choosing his new woman the way he chose me 20 years ago after his second wife died. I didn't know it then, but I can see now that he decided to find a woman with children and marry her so he didn't have to live alone, and he chose me. He did love me, but now that I look back, I see that there was a utilitarian quality to his choice. I was there, I was beautiful then, and he swept me off my feet.
I felt great about this! I hate that and remembering that, but, to get it clear is a
wonderful release. Utilitarian absolutely for us. Both of us, we both drank to excess and
that was our form of entertainment.
Alcohol and sex.
That was then, and this is now.
Even the dream cottage on the ocean, that is one of my fantasies too! I will definitely
have a small dog. Maybe another long haired dachsund. Hmm, thinking again.
Short hair might be best, I find dog hair everywhere, and I use that Eureka everywhere!
Anyway, this is part of the process. Oh, I do so hope you start to write again.
What a gift you can give to others, you have a talent and I like your "voice."
smooth, gentle and easily understandable by those of us who have been with an
addict.
I am neither here nor there at the moment, and this is a space of reflection, but more than that, a space of waiting. Like a little eddy in the fast moving stream that has caught me for a moment and held me so that I see back to where I’ve been even as I look forward to where I am going.
you can step back into your stream (life) at any time.
Beth
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Shootingstar, you can find a good discussion of hormones and abuse in the following article. You can find it by a google search. It is a very long article!
"Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds". Written by Theresa Descilo of the Trauma Resolution Center in Miami, Florida.
Good Luck.
dandylion
"Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds". Written by Theresa Descilo of the Trauma Resolution Center in Miami, Florida.
Good Luck.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello ShootingStar, and thank you for your lovely post.
As others have said, you are a good writer. Just look at how many people you have touched here.
I was once in that "in between" place, in a new town, with all my life in boxes. What caused me the most pain is _not knowing_ what my future would be, but knowing that I had a past. It was that past that kept "poking" me in the alanoid bone. I remembered the good times, and being an alanoid, I struggled with the _potential_ that my ex once had.
Strange how I never thought about the potential _I_ had.
I hid in my "wounded animal" cave for some time, and then I forced myself out into the world again. Little by little I slowly found the "me" I had lost in the insanity of somebody else's addiction. I even tried dating... just a little .... and oh boy did I make a mess of it. Then I tried again, and did much better.
It's taken me a few years, I am a slow learner, some people heal faster. Today I remember all the good times I once had, and I also remember why those good times ended. I have _new_ good times to remember as well. New friends, new experiences, new adventures. I have a _present_ that I have made for myself, from all of my yesterdays and hopes for tomorrow.
When I first came to SR all I could see of my life was emptiness. I had lost the ability to maintain _me_ in the midst of hardship. I worked my recovery, did what I knew was good for me, kept close with people that had survived what I was struggling with, and I made it through.
Today I have several different directions I can go with my life. All of them good. Today I have to stop myself from getting involved with ladies that would not be good for me... which is much better than being afraid to ever date again. I don't have a partner in my life, but I'm not looking very hard either. I'm really enjoying the way things are.
Okay, so my life is not perfect. I have serious health problems, the economy is trashing my financial life, but otherwise I managed to make it past the in-between place. Today I know _what_ the in-between place was. It was the time and space I needed to heal from having lost who I was and restoring who I am. I needed that in-between in order to focus on my own wounds and needs. It did not feel good, but then being in the hospital never feels good.
You will heal, ShootingStar, the same way we all do. And you will find yourself again and build a new life. Me? I just discovered Helen Vendler. Where have I been hiding my head all these years? And I am making pictures of flowers. ( ok, not today, too hot )
Welcome to your new life, ShootingStar, from what you have shared it sounds like it's starting out very nicely.
Mike
As others have said, you are a good writer. Just look at how many people you have touched here.
I was once in that "in between" place, in a new town, with all my life in boxes. What caused me the most pain is _not knowing_ what my future would be, but knowing that I had a past. It was that past that kept "poking" me in the alanoid bone. I remembered the good times, and being an alanoid, I struggled with the _potential_ that my ex once had.
Strange how I never thought about the potential _I_ had.
I hid in my "wounded animal" cave for some time, and then I forced myself out into the world again. Little by little I slowly found the "me" I had lost in the insanity of somebody else's addiction. I even tried dating... just a little .... and oh boy did I make a mess of it. Then I tried again, and did much better.
It's taken me a few years, I am a slow learner, some people heal faster. Today I remember all the good times I once had, and I also remember why those good times ended. I have _new_ good times to remember as well. New friends, new experiences, new adventures. I have a _present_ that I have made for myself, from all of my yesterdays and hopes for tomorrow.
When I first came to SR all I could see of my life was emptiness. I had lost the ability to maintain _me_ in the midst of hardship. I worked my recovery, did what I knew was good for me, kept close with people that had survived what I was struggling with, and I made it through.
Today I have several different directions I can go with my life. All of them good. Today I have to stop myself from getting involved with ladies that would not be good for me... which is much better than being afraid to ever date again. I don't have a partner in my life, but I'm not looking very hard either. I'm really enjoying the way things are.
Okay, so my life is not perfect. I have serious health problems, the economy is trashing my financial life, but otherwise I managed to make it past the in-between place. Today I know _what_ the in-between place was. It was the time and space I needed to heal from having lost who I was and restoring who I am. I needed that in-between in order to focus on my own wounds and needs. It did not feel good, but then being in the hospital never feels good.
You will heal, ShootingStar, the same way we all do. And you will find yourself again and build a new life. Me? I just discovered Helen Vendler. Where have I been hiding my head all these years? And I am making pictures of flowers. ( ok, not today, too hot )
Welcome to your new life, ShootingStar, from what you have shared it sounds like it's starting out very nicely.
Mike
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Mike--- thanks! Seriously, thank you....that is ESH, for sure!
"When I first came to SR all I could see of my life was emptiness. I had lost the ability to maintain _me_ in the midst of hardship. I worked my recovery, did what I knew was good for me, kept close with people that had survived what I was struggling with, and I made it through." ----> Geee... I am actually following this advice.
Very encouraging!!
"When I first came to SR all I could see of my life was emptiness. I had lost the ability to maintain _me_ in the midst of hardship. I worked my recovery, did what I knew was good for me, kept close with people that had survived what I was struggling with, and I made it through." ----> Geee... I am actually following this advice.
Very encouraging!!
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