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O/T: Future-tripping about what an NPD might do

Old 07-05-2013, 06:56 PM
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O/T: Future-tripping about what an NPD might do

Hi I'm hoping to get some guidance about someone I have to deal with in the coming weeks. I haven't really got enemies in my life (that I know of at least!) but this person is total bad news and has caused me no end of difficulty.


On another thread someone put a list of NPD traits and it literally JUMPED out at me. It would explain why, despite my having moved away and to all intents and purposes being "safe", the merest whiff of having to have any dealings with this person has given me massive anxiety (to the point of nausea). I'm not a psychologist but the weirdness, the grandiosity, the entitlement, etc - it is all there in this person.

It's going to sound so trivial compared with the many deep issues posters are facing here, but the dealings I'll have to have with this person involve a property sale and thats why I've labelled it OT as the person isnt a family member & not a friend (definitely not a friend!)

We were forced to rent the property out instead of selling it and have been in limbo for over 2 years while sorting out legal issues that this person pretty much created to stop us selling. Since then we've had to jump through all sorts of hoops and we should be on the home strait & finally looking at moving on, and instead it looks like we're just about to get a whole new set of obstacles...

I'm finding it hard to stop worrying about this and found some useful posts in the anxiety section I'm going to print off. I've been learning lately to sit with emotions and let them pass, but I'm finding this really hard to do in relation to this person, who has done really irrational crazy things in the past. I don't know and can't know what this person will do next - I accept that & I know I just have to batten down the hatches. But this person really seems motivated by pure venom at me in particular and I admit I'm actually quite fearful.

If anyone can give me some pointers on what I might do to be able to detach from this issue I'd be really grateful. I have to work all weekend & really need to find a way to park it/get some perspective/man up. I'm a grown woman but this person makes me a nervous wreck.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can help!
Snowie
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:10 PM
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Hi Snowie,

Yeah, the reason I know what I know about NPD is that I've got serious DSM-IV-Cluster B karma!! Haa! Borderline (mother, and at least one love interest), NPD, Psychopathy......my life is full of them. And then the Alcoholic, who...well he was crazy and abusive after the honeymoon period wore off. Lately I've started thinking of Alcoholism as "Acquired Psychopathology Syndrome"!!

So,I did a lot of reading and web searching after the various love interests.

They also seem to crawl out of the woodwork at me in other ways too---a couple of house related suits, cooked up by people who started out in ordinary business dealings, apparently good faith.

It's not like I go out to bars and social events looking for the sickest person to attach myself to! They come find me!! It's frikkin weird, that's for sure! :P

Anyway, by now, as long as I'm not IN LOVE with one, I can identify them easily, if I have a chance to "See them in action", as with the thread you're talking about.

So...I'd say, first, remind yourself that because you know you've got a sick enemy; you can remind yourself that you are prepared and determined to protect yourself.

Do you have a lawyer on your side? You should explain what you know. Get things in writing, especially ANYTHING this jerkoff says, does, hints at, threatens. Save everything and send to your lawyer, and whoever else is on your side, like Real Estate agent, or whatever.

The best thing you can do to arm yourself is to google. Look for info on NPD and Psychopaths, and key words--"how to protect yourself from". There's TONS of info out there!!!

Hope this helps! Be Decisive and strong. Call him on his ****, if it feels safe. Some of them get nasty when you call them out, and if they have a means to retaliate, they will. So be careful about that part. It can work--they shrivel and run like a vampire at dawn, or it can backfire. In which case, you will be unhappy.

Pay attention to your fear, but again remember you have knowledge now.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:24 PM
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Thanks. I could have given lots of information to explain the situation I'm dealing with (and make myself look less like a wimp!), and show the level of craziness I've had from that quarter - it would make for an entertaining read in a sick sort of way - but for my own sake I just want to find a holding pattern I can put the whole situation in (for example I should not be up at 3.15am stressing about a mad person :-))

Yeah we have a lawyer. He tends to inadvertently make things worse because he assumes there will be reasonableness! All the PREVIOUS aggravation is documented (I was advised to keep a log etc), but since our move away things have been happening that can't be documented, look innocent on the face of it. But whilst less overt the design behind it is clear if you get my drift (I promise I am not paranoid - I just don't think spewing out all the minutiae would explain, I think you probably get what I mean)
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:47 PM
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I understand about not wanting to share the whole mess. It's long, it's a waste of energy, it gets you all worked up for no good reason.....

And I know what you mean about them looking good---- IF you refuse to think about the fact that you're seeing lots of contradictions. Words not matching actions. Endless demands, you jumping through hoops, and then that not being good enough and more demands ensue; forcing you to jump through more hoops.

I don't blame you for feeling freaked out!!
Try having a talk with your lawyer. Arm yourself with info on NPD/Psychopathology---like, some good bullet points from a website geared to help the layperson understand a very serious aberration. Use evidence to demonstrate your point, and try to keep yourself calm and informational. (That part's not so easy, for me anyway....but if you have lists and evidence in your "little speech" for him, you may feel less freaked out. More confident.)

In fact, be confident that you DO know what is going on here. Everyone has such a drive to assume the best....and normally that works. My situation, the lawyer, Real Estate guy and I all assumed we were working with people acting in good faith. That's just how it goes, at first. And I can think of a ti me when I was getting ripped off BIG TIME by a mechanic who I thought was a good guy. Friendly, all that. Because I was so convinced he was a good guy, I refused to admit to myself that he was ripping me off!!! I let it go on and on, because of denial!!! "Oh!!! But he's a good guy!!!! That latest rip off that made me really really uncomfortable? Oh, no, couldn't be. He's nice! I'll stick it in the denial bin, because I TRUST MY GUT which tells me he's nice!" JEEEEZ!!!!!

But now I know, when things seem hinky, you have to examine why, and not just shut yourself up because "it's mean to think that way and I'm too nice to do that" !!!



yecch!

Thank goodness you didn't get conned into falling in love with this guy!!!


And, try googling..... "psychopath how to protect yourself" for example. You'll find info from experts that will be much more helpful than what I can tell you.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:50 PM
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In my experience with an NPD, have all conversations with an audience and/or via email so it's all recorded. It makes it harder for them to misrepresent you or gaslight you down the road.
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Old 07-05-2013, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
In my experience with an NPD, have all conversations with an audience and/or via email so it's all recorded. It makes it harder for them to misrepresent you or gaslight you down the road.

Oh boy, YES!!! IF that's possible, YES YES YES
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:15 PM
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Yeah. That. And lawyer up. As much as you can afford. Find an old experienced lawyer who can see through the bull**** this person is likely to throw everyone's way.

I heard they took NPD out of the latest DSM manual. I guess that just makes them garden variety jerks now, huh?
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post
I understand about not wanting to share the whole mess. It's long, it's a waste of energy, it gets you all worked up for no good reason.....

And I know what you mean about them looking good---- IF you refuse to think about the fact that you're seeing lots of contradictions. Words not matching actions. Endless demands, you jumping through hoops, and then that not being good enough and more demands ensue; forcing you to jump through more hoops.

In fact, be confident that you DO know what is going on here. Everyone has such a drive to assume the best....and normally that works.
This REALLY helped. The hoop-jumping just to find a new hoop after it. Add sneering, contempt, blah blah. All deeply unpleasant. I get really angry because I know what's going on, in the past have had this person smirking at me like we've got a little secret, and I feel I've spent waay to much time worrying about what I might have done to cause it, what it might be about ME that this person finds threatening, worrying about whether this person is deeply troubled/lonely...and I think I've finally got to the point of thinking that I was just some sort of "plaything".

I DID call this person out (tolerated a ton of nasty messages/emails/provocative stuff before getting the police involved for harassment) and the revenge has been endless ever since. This person made sure I knew they were GLEEFUL that they managed to get our first sale blocked, and its looking like they're gearing up to get in the way of this second sale as much as possible. I don't think it can be blocked this time but it could hurt us in the pocket instead. But it's like they want to keep contact? Is that NPD-ish?

Florence, thankfully we do only just deal through lawyers. The complication is that this person isn't who we deal with directly, we deal with someone this person is manipulating.

Thank you so much for your input - I do feel stronger about it already. Oops it is now getting light in the UK. Great, I have managed to worry till dawn.... I should really think about either going to bed or getting up!!!
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Yeah. That. And lawyer up. As much as you can afford. Find an old experienced lawyer who can see through the bull**** this person is likely to throw everyone's way.

I heard they took NPD out of the latest DSM manual. I guess that just makes them garden variety jerks now, huh?
Really? Wow! I'll have to go to my friend, google, and check it out.

Well, I guess they're lumping it in with ASPD? It's very similar, just usually a bit less impulsive, and less physical.

Or, just jerks. assclowns. sheepdips. ratbastards. ...
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Old 07-05-2013, 09:01 PM
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Wanting to keep contact...yep. NPDish. As long as they see they CAN GET A RISE OUT OF YOU, they'll keep at it, cuz it makes them feel like they're winning. Beating you.

They live for seeing their effect on people--the thrill of making people suffer and twist in the wind.

They also cultivate loyal cheerleaders with fawning and praise, often behind the scenes, which is not as thrilling as screwing with people, but necessary. ("Oh what would I do without you! You humble me! ", "Oh! So smart you are! You impress Moi!")

Practice a courteous half-smile, just for him when you see him. Try not to smirk (hard to do, if you're confident you "know something he doesn't know").

I used to sing in my head, "I've got your number, I've got your number. I can see through you.... la la la la"

They feed on fear and upset. Lean towards confidence that you SEE clearly, and won't be fooled.

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