PerhapsLove

My AD is midway through a pregnancy and I am confident she is sober. She really wants the baby, but doesn't have the means to support him/her. It wasn't a good decision, but it's not the baby's fault.

I am so happy that she has given up the drinking. But she doesn't have a job and has been relying on us and a friend (male) to pay her rent at a public housing facility. She gets food stamps and WIC and has medical assistance. I don't understand why she hasn't been able to get a job. She says she has applied for numerous ones, but hasn't even gotten one call back for an interview.

She wrecked a lot of relationships during the 2 years that she was drinking. She lost her job, her apartment, her license, and custody of her daughter. She got a DUI and public drunkenness citations, and owes a tremendous amount of money to hospitals and courts.

Most of our family has cut ties with her. I am the only one who has stayed in contact with her. And now with the baby, I have a hard time taking a hard line. However, I will not let this child suffer if she chooses to go back down the dark road.

She had begun to rebuild her relationship with her daughter, and her ex-husband had started to let them spend time alone. Until he found out she is pregnant. Since then he has not allowed my daughter to see her child, mostly out of anger. She has sporadically been able to talk to her on the phone, but her little girl has become angry about the calls.

My question is: how do I help her with this pain? She feels like she can't do anything legally because she has no money and no job. She is afraid the court will side with her ex-husband because of all the bad stuff she did. It is so hard to hear her talk about her pain and lately that is all she can do. I have told my ex-son-in-law that I think he is wrong to deny his daughter a relationship with her mother, especially now that alcohol is not involved, but he seems hell-bent on making my daughter pay.

I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas?

Bubovski

Sorry to hear of your position.
You sound like a kind and compassionate woman.
The bubs really complicates things.

Sometimes its difficult to know where kindness ends and self protection begins.

Essentially only your daughter, along with assistance, can start to turn the equation around. Her ex husbands position seems a bit tough, then I don't know all the details.
Maybe some out side councillors can set up something, along maybe with AA, if you can convince her of the dire straits she is in.

I wish you well and hope some positive steps can be initiated.

shortbiscuit

What a sad story. Unfortunately, unless your daughter can hold down a job for six months and show that she is actively working to stay sober (and not just because she's pregnant, but that she REALLY wants to stay sober) the courts will side with her ex-husband. The burden of proof will be on your daughter, and that's a heavy burden to bear.

One bright spot, though-- if there is a custody agreement with terms set in stone about visitation and whatnot, the ex-husband HAS to honor them, or be found in contempt of court. If there isn't an agreement for visitation, petition the courts for visitation, but start small-- ask for supervised visitation by a third party (you could supervise or the courts may be willing to appoint a guardian ad litem that could supervise.)

Supervised visitation would give your daughter a taste of what she could stand to gain by staying sober and working a program. The longer she stays sober and improves her life, the more involvement the court will allow her to have with her daughter.

I've seen this situation within my own family, and my heart goes out to you. All the best.

LexieCat

I tend to agree with shortbiscuit. I'm not sure how old the daughter is--at some point the courts would not force a child to visit with a parent they don't want to visit. But assuming she is young, supervised visitation sounds like a good first step.

As for the job situation, in spite of the law, I think there are a lot of employers who are reluctant to hire someone who is visibly pregnant. Has she tried registering with temp agencies? Sometimes those can be good interim jobs. They saved me more than once.

PerhapsLove

Shortbiscuit, thank you for reminding me there IS an agreement! It was put in place when she was actively drinking and the only stipulation was that she complete an evaluation and follow recommendations concerning her drinking. She has since completed a rehab. They were to share custody. She knows she doesn't have the means to have her daughter stay with her right now; she just wants to see her. I would be more than happy to supervise visits. The ex won't even allow that right now.

LexieCat, my granddaughter is 5. I agree with you about employers and pregnancy. There are many ways around the law. She is exploring getting her cosmetology license, but again, it costs money. There apparently is an option to work as an apprentice, which might work out for her.

I will be visiting my daughter tomorrow. I know she has to make amends with the rest of the family, and she hasn't tried very hard. Her ex told me if she would try to repair those relationships he might feel differently about her seeing their little girl. That sounds a lot like control to me.

Thanks to all for your support. It means everything to me right now.

LexieCat

It might be control, or he might just be telling the truth about how he feels. Regardless, though, he does not have the right to unilaterally stop visitation when there is an order. I suggest your daughter go to family court and file a motion to enforce the order. Here in NJ it's called a "motion in support of litigant's rights." The family court in MD most likely has what's called a pro se packet (forms for people who do not have lawyers) that she can fill out to have the motion heard so the court can take action to insist that he abide by the visitation order.

shortbiscuit

Is there any way that random urine tests can be added to the conditions? As a recovering, functional alcoholic (and the wife of an alcoholic), I could easily hide the fact that I was drinking, and I'm willing to bet your daughter could do the same. Random urine tests would be a great way to start building credibility, since hers is pretty much shot at this point.

If there is an agreement, and the ex is violating it, haul his butt into court, but I would still make it known to the judge that you would be willing to supervise visitation and that your daughter is willing to submit to random drug/alcohol testing. From personal experience, she can't have all carrot and little to no stick, kwim? At least not right now.

By the way, I could be wrong, but if she is enrolled as a full time student in good academic standing, the judge may be willing to over look the lack of employment for now. Keep us posted!

Lexie-- You're right, there is an age where children can stop visiting with non-custodial parents. It's called the "age of reason". It varies from state to state, but some states have the age set as young as eleven, so it would behoove OP's daughter to work hard at rebuilding her relationship with her child as soon as possible, otherwise the child can walk away forever in six years. :-/ Sad, but true.

PerhapsLove

Thanks, Lexie and shortbiscuit. You have good suggestions. She lives in PA, and they have a "domestic relations" court which deals with custody, child support, etc. She is worried that if she goes without a lawyer, her ex will bring his and she will be at a disadvantage. I personally would not hesitate. I think a judge would see past the imbalance.

I also think the random testing would be a good idea--for both of them. The ex apparently is a pothead. Supervised visits were not required before, so if we offer that, the judge could be more favorable. For some reason my daughter seems to think this is a "one shot" deal--that if she loses she won't get another chance. I really doubt that is the case, though.

I will post later about my visit with her today. Thanks again for the support.

LexieCat

I think if her ex has a lawyer, she's better off WITH one, but child custody/visitation is NEVER a "one-shot deal". I suggest she contact Legal Services to see if she qualifies for legal assistance. If they can't represent her, they might be able to refer her elsewhere.

Even without a lawyer, though, you can testify as to her progress and your willingness to supervise visitation. You express yourself very well, and if you are totally honest with the court about her struggles, her progress, your concern, my bet is that the judge won't have any problem ordering supervised visitation.

PerhapsLove

Thanks again, Lexie. I will take your suggestion and offer to supervise visits. My daughter is going to make some calls on Monday to see if she can get some sort of representation.

Our visit today went well. She was pretty down at first, but I told her that allowing herself to refocus didn't mean her problems aren't important. It's just that her mind and emotions need a break. So she was able to relax a bit and seemed to have a good day. I even had her laughing and joking by the end.

Thank you again for your advice!

PerhapsLove

My daughter made phone calls today, but no one returned her call. She stayed optimistic, though, so hopefully she will get some information that will better define her path. I found their custody agreement on the state's website and it says specifically that if either party wants to modify the agreement, they have to follow a specific procedure. It states that they cannot just decide unilaterally to do whatever they want. My daughter told me she is so used to feeling inadequate that she really didn't think there was anything she could do. I am so grateful for this site. It is wonderful to get input and support from others! Thank you, friends!