Need advice: no contact and break-up
 

So I need a little help.

I've been posting for the last 10-12 days about going no contact with my alcoholic boyfriend after he relapsed after rehab, we went back and forth about he, he lied to me and then got mad and mean after I, frankly as I see it now, was trying to talk him into saving his own life. (I also see now how what happened in the 8 day ER/ICU stay and the transition to 30 day rehab was more fueled by me wanting that for him than him wanting t or being ready).

So after a few days of going back and forth with each other I said do not contact me again until you're serious in recovery and can be completely straight with yourself and me. I know he isn't, but he contacts me every day. In the last couple days I've been calling him my Ex-ABF on here instead of ABF, from the realization that we were over.

But we never actually broke up. I set this boundary and he keeps reaching out. I never said "and we're done dating." I really hadn't thought about it at the time, it was such a whirlwind, but it is the reality. We're done.

Soooo... He wrote me tonight and said:

". Call me. If you must go then say good-bye or something.
Not hearing from you is perfectly awful."

What do I do?

I didn't actually break up. Do I owe him that? I feel certain I should not call. Do I write back simply that I'd set this boundary and our relationship is over because I know he isn't doing that, and I wish him well. (Essentially, without drama or entering into all the futzing about wishing he'd do right by himself, etc, that I was so verbose about before this boundary).

I have to admit I'm stymied here. I've never been the kind of person who ends a relationship without saying so. But this isn't "no contact." I guess I'm just unsure how to reconcile the need to end it with dignity and respect and clarity with the no contact and enforcement of my boundary. I am completely firm that we're done, but don't want to be cruel either.

All advice welcome.thank you.

I don't think you should call, or write. Both would be crossing your own boundary.

This ^^^ is perfectly clear already. He just doesn't want to hear it. Not your problem.

Look, if you really meant this above, than act it now, or it means nothing.

I meant it. I said it in writing not once but twice. Ok, that's helpful feedback. So you think that it DOES mean we're broken up if he can't comply. I know that's what it means for me. I don't mean this as wishy-washy --- I'm my at all unclear with myself that we're done. This is just such new territory and uncertain ground.

So this is his manipulation too? Wow.

"Not at all unclear with myself that we're done."

Darn autocorrect

Sadie, you did say this twice, correct? In writing? I'd think that is clear enough to any rational person. But as an alcoholic, he is not rational. Doesn't mean you owe him anything more, just don't be surprised or guilted into responding to this bait.

Yes, I do think it is manipulation to draw you into a conversation.

Yep, it's just another sly way to get you to respond. I got a text similar to that one too. I totally agree with Tuff, I didn't understand why my xagf was not getting it and I felt like I had to breakup multiple times which was painful progressively more annoying.

At this point you owe him nothing, stick to your guns.

Just in passing . . .

Sounds silly.

Tell him you are done . . . if you ARE done. And be done.

This "if you are not serious" stuff sounds like Codie Control drama.

Hey, Sadie. I've been dealing with a situation, not similar really, but relevant maybe. I've been trying to get a guy to leave me alone. Simplified version: One date, texting often and suddenly he believed we were in a serious, exclusive relationship. I asked him to back off. He kept texting. I told him that wasn't backing off and asked him to stop texting and go away. He kept texting.

The scenario devolved to me ignoring his texts until he'd say something similar to your ABF's message, or something that made me mad, or proposed marriage. At which time I'd respond. Each time I'd tell him I wasn't going to talk with him anymore. Ignore, respond to plea for closure, said good-bye, said no more contact. Ignore, respond: tried to correct an accusatory statement, told him no more, leave me alone. Ignore....

Seeing a pattern? I admit it took me a while to. He'd keep trying until he found a button I'd respond to, and I'd break my 'I'm not talking to you anymore'.

So, I've told him to leave me alone. I've said I do not want to talk to him. I've said good-bye. It's been a couple weeks. I've stopped responding and the text messages have slowed down.

A line from a favorite movie: "I've spoken my piece and counted to three." There's nothing left for me to say to him. If I respond, not only do I break my boundary, it resets his TU _wants_ to talk to me belief. (And confirms that TU is some one who can be pestered into doing what he wants.)

You've told him no contact until he's serious in recovery. You do not have to give him any further closure than has already been given.

I am really struggling, my heart aching even as I grow stronger. I need to be honest with myself and all of you that I wrote back this morning. I said I meant this boundary and will honor it. That without recovery and honesty our relationship is dishonest and unhealthy for both of us, and there is no change and I cannot bw the person who keeps wishing for it, so yes we are done. That I love him but this is goodbye.

Less than two weeks ago I wanted to spend my life with him, and now it is done. I can see I was imperfect and even weak in my execution. But I feel stronger going forward, or at least that I'm aiming in the right direction. I can see I was baited by him to communicate, but the closure was also for me.

I'm still on my trip, getting home tomorrow, going to my first Al-Anon meeting the next day. Waiting for a response from my therapist about her earliest appointment.

I'm going to walk down to our creek today, pick a stone and hold it in my hand, say goodby to my exABF and the love I'd hoped we could have, and goodbye to the part of me who chose an alcoholic and let myself think I could help or save him. Then I'm going to throw the rock in the creek and walk away, towards what's next in my life.

I know most of you urged me to be stronger, and you weren't wrong. I need to own what I did, to keep moving forward.

You're okay, Sadielady. Sometimes no matter how positive and healthy a direction we know we are facing, the first few steps are terribly hard. I'm so sorry you are going through such heartache, and I wish you strength, courage, and patience on your journey.

(((hugs)))

You will be ok Sadie :)
I hope you like Al Anon as much as I do. It really saved my sanity. It also gave me tools to have healthy relationships with others.
I hope you are enjoying your trip and wish you a safe flight home.
Don't be surprised if he contacts you when you are back from your trip and stick to your guns.

Didn't you say on another thread that he's already dating again online? If that's the case, then it seems like he's just trying to keep you 'on the hook,' in case he needs you to fall back on. If he has already started throwing out feelers to other women online, then you owe him absolutely NOTHING. You've already clearly stated your position - stick to your boundary. Do not let him keep his hooks in you.

Carlotta and SparkleKitty, thank you for your encouragement and support. And I imagine he will contact me again and I know I am and will be completely done, there is no more need to communicate with him no matter how he baits me.

EverHopeful, yes, he's online again. Hedging his bets, trying to pull me in and do his thing. I'm letting go of all that. I feel so much better already today, like I've let something go that I was holding onto despite my brave words.

I'm really looking forward to Al-Anon on the advice of many of you. I don't want to date now or soon, and I love the idea of replacing my old behaviors and habits, and even instincts, so I am wiser and more self-caring when the day comes to be ready to date again someday. While my exABF was the first I'm sure was an alcoholic, a boyfriend prior may have been too and was certainly verbally abusive, and my ex-husband of a decade was emotionally unavailable in other ways. While all 3 were very different, none were good for me and in all 3 cases I ended things. I knew enough to draw boundaries for myself, but I don't want to ever chose a man who is alcoholic or emotionally unavailable, and even more so, I want to for and learn my own healthier behaviors!

Thank you everybody.

This is coming from relapse lady (me) so I hope you know it contains no judgment whatsoever. Your desire to text him "one last time", and the way you are rationalizing the reasons for doing it, sound like your AV (Addict Voice) at work.

The AV keeps the alcoholic drinking. It's the little voice that says things to a sober alcoholic like "It's okay to have just one drink. It's your birthday for G-d's sake, treat yourself. It will be your last one."

Let's just be honest here, again with NO judgement. You were very clear in your text about him not contacting you unless he was in recovery. He has repeatedly disrespected your request and has tried all the typical A tricks to manipulate you into contact. He is dating online again, Sadie! Doesn't this in itself indicate that the relationship is over in his mind? Didn't this one fact alone absolve you of any responsibility to provide him with an official break up?

I just don't think your desire to formalize the break up, especially in light of his online dating activity, was coming from a genuine desire to do the right thing or have closure. I feel like it was your AV telling you "Maybe if you write him just one last time and tell him he has to recover, he will actually do it this time. He obviously misses you, he's texting everyday. And you miss him terribly. It's just one text."

My AV led me down the path to full blown addiction. I told my ex no contact unless he was in recovery. When he couldn't get me back any other way, he started to FAKE recovery. I bought into it because I didn't have SR and I wanted more than anything for it to be real. He went to AA meetings to shut me up, while continuing to drink the entire time. This went on for three years during which time I got SO addicted to his addiction that when he finally chose alcohol over me at the end, I was practically a broken woman.

I know how much pain you are in and I know how hard it is to accept losing someone you love THAT much. My heart truly goes out to you.

And I went to the creek and let go, saying goodbye with the stone. I said goodbye to my exABF, goodbye to the love I'd hoped we had, and goodbye to the idea that I could help or save him, or anyone. And I hadn't expected this, but I also said goodbye to the idea that the only way I was loveable is to find a man who was broken and "needed fixing," when I could never "fix anyone" and that sure doesn't love myself. I cried and threw the stone in, took a short walk and my shoulders fel a little lighter.

Will feel whatever I feel today and let go.

That was a beautiful gesture to yourself.

I hear you Dreams, and I know my desire to write again wasn't from a healthy place. I don't think he'll want to change from my email, I know for certain he won't, but I hear you that it's my own addiction to him and to who I have been on our relationship that kept me from just not responding.

I am done though. I am DONE. I will not write, call or eve contact him again. I think what's huge for me is learning to stop trying to heal anyone except myself. This thought keeps going through my head this morning that my own value and loveable was doesn't come from trying to save others, but I sure as he'll have been acting like it is. And making choices that continue that ugly, fruitless, and self-destructive pattern.

Thank you for speaking straight to me. I know I was hiding and not being totally straight with myself, and taking a step backwards in writing him. I will focus on FoRwARd

I don't think it's a step backwards if you learn from it and use it to move forward, and it sounds like you really have. You are doing great--I honestly believe that. I respect and admire your courage and efforts.

Thank you Dreams, so much, for your encouragement and straight talk but mostly for modeling so much for me on here. These last couple weeks on here have opened my eyes to so many things and you're a huge part of that.

There's so much power and strength in knowing we more not alone, eh?

All of you out there, here's to a day of self-love.