WHY can't I just kick his a** out?
 

My ABF and I went out (which is rare) and got into an argument. I told him that every serious relationship I’ve had has been with a man who was addicted to something and I was trying to figure out why that is. I also showed him the Al-Anon packet I received at the first meeting I just went to. He got mad and said how could I lump him with those other guys who haven’t done half as much as he had. I guess he feels like he’s doing so much because he goes to school and works. The work is less than part time, and the small amount he makes goes for gassing his truck (which I bought because his got stolen), cigs, and alcohol. He drinks when I’m not around now. Anyway, he got mad, got out of the car, and walked away. I waited a minute to see if he was coming back. He didn’t so I left. Once I got home (he lives with me), he called and apologized for walking off. He came home in the morning and told me he slept in the park that night “with the other homeless guys”. I think he wanted a reaction from me, but I didn’t give one. He said "with the other homeless guys" as if he is also homeless. I wonder if he took such a drastic route as sleeping outdoors to try to get sympathy from me.
We talked about it later that day, and I told him that I feel stuck, because it’s hard to save a chunk of cash because I am paying all the bills. He said “You know you’re not stuck with me right?” I said I didn’t say stuck with YOU, I said stuck. I'm tired of him directing things I say towards himself. I’m going to al anon now, I just started reading Codependent No More so I am determined to get myself better. He is comfortable where he is (he denies being comfortable), because the other ways to make money that I’ve suggested- he just says OK and doesn’t look into it or he tends to be picky about what work he does. That’s what really pisses me off, because he has all these grand plans about real estate success. He talks and talks, but when it’s time to put the hard work in, he has an excuse. I don’t have the heart to kick him out yet, but now I think he may want me to so he can continue to pity himself and be free to drink. He has sabotaged himself before, so I don’t think it’s a stretch to think deep down he wants a pitiful life so then nobody will expect anything from him. What do you all think?

I have no more faith in the future he fantasizes about for us. I now try to imagine my future without him, because after knowing him for 4 yrs and living with him for 2, I see he is only concerned with what he wants and not with helping financially. He swears he wants to help. I try not to even bring it up because I've begged, suggested, researched ways to make money. If it's not something he WANTS to do, then he won't do it. What man is picky about work when he's not paying one damned bill? I'm sorry guys, but please weigh in. Happy 4th to you.

I get it, believe me. I remember my second alcoholic husband (the one I left a few months after marrying) refusing to do what he considered "doofus jobs." Meantime I was working at a job that paid much less than my previous one I had had before we moved across the country, and was looking for a second one to pay the bills.

I think you are reading too much meaning into his self-sabotage. He screws up because he's an alcoholic and his life is unmanageable. He just doesn't see it yet--all he sees is that he has bad luck and he's struggling and the world is out to get him and you don't understand.

If you are ready to get out of loser-ville, and get un-stuck, you will be amazed at how freeing it can be. Someone on the outside, looking at your life, might ask the same questions about you that you are asking about him. It sounds like the relationship is holding your life back the same way his drinking is holding his back.

It's good that you realize you continually pick alcoholics who are as capable of handling a relationship as a ten year old child. What saved my sanity was Alanon, a wonderful 12 Step programs for people involved with alcoholics. And reading "Codependent No More". Keep posting about your relationship -- I'm sure lots of people will identify with you. I worked very hard Alanon and therapy, learned to stop getting involved with alcoholics. I run from them today because I've learned to value myself more. Life is too short for destructive relationships! Good luck!

Lately I have been real with myself about how I have been affected and how his "bad luck" is mostly a result of irresponsible behavior. His daughter hasn't been to visit in months. I've lost respect for him and pity him more than I love him.

I understand. Mine spent money like crazy and always had a "plan" for a better future. I think it took me almost going broke to wake up. I had to learn the hard way their dreams are just that dreams and they don't materialize because of the addiction to the alcohol. Sending you support.

Mine just thought some magical, finanically secure future would drop in his lap. Meanwhile, I worked HARD at creating a career for myself, saving money for tomorrow because I know it doesn't magically appear, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, and BEGGING for some initiative and reciprocation from him. It didn't, and it wasn't going to happen. Now I'm free and financially secure (on my own) and he doesn't have one red cent to his name - just a hangover and a rotting nose from all the drugs.

I find this line particularly helpful:

If you are ready to get out of loser-ville, and get un-stuck, you will be amazed at how freeing it can be. Someone on the outside, looking at your life, might ask the same questions about you that you are asking about him. It sounds like the relationship is holding your life back the same way his drinking is holding his back.

WOW!

You have control of your life and are free to "unstick" it. Before I left my AXBF, I had friends that were planning *my* intervention because the relationship was taking so much out of me. It's a hard choice, rry1177, but it is your choice to make. :)

If you're already imagining a future without him, your mind may already be made up.

I wish you health and happiness, peace and serenity, and a future without active addictions.

Wow, it's like reading about my life! I don't have any advice - for me it ended (at least for now) when I had to move to another country and he couldn't come with me. I can relate to the job and finance issues, the grand plans and big talks, the "woe is me" passive aggressiveness, etc.

I didn't have the heart to kick him out either, but now that he is forced to take care of himself - he does!!

Dear rry, you say that you don't have the heart to "kick him out YET". This begs the question of what will give you the "Heart"? Hammer recently talked about the concept of co-dependent types (like us) tend to operate from a "Rules" mentality. (Alcoholics from a Feeling-based position). For example: "I can't leave him until he hits me".
I wonder if this might apply to you in your situation. Is there a rule or certain thing that will be your line i n the sand?

It is also said that when one won't/can't leave a toxic situation--the reason lies somewhere in the FOG---F=fear O=obligation G=guilt. I tend to believe this, empirically.

These are some of my thoughts about your post....

dandylion

Amen sister. Al Anon really saved my sanity and I hope that the OP enjoys it and get as much out of it as we did.
RRY, your boyfriend threw a tantrum (that's exactly what it is) because you starting to take care of yourself and going to Al Anon marks the beginning of the end for the madness.
He is still in denial and being lumped with those "guys" is really a slap to his ego. I hope you will keep ignoring his tantrums and keep taking care of number one, setting boundaries and learning to dream again for yourself. :)

Ps: Great post Dandylion. It describes how I used to be to a T. I have the feeling that as RRY takes care of herself, makes some new supportive friends and learn some new tools she will find the courage to turn the yet into a now. For us, codependents, getting better is a process. It does not happen overnight.

" I also showed him the Al-Anon packet I received at the first meeting I just went to. "

RRY, I know that right now it might not make much sense to you but the same way you will learn at some point that his drinking is none of your business (I know it sounds crazy to you right now), remember that your going to Al Anon is none of his.
It should be an act of self care that you do for yourself alone the same way you might take a bubble bath or get your nails done. As you work the program, he may get better, he may get worst or he might stay the same. How he reacts and what he does is irrelevant, it's your time now and something you are doing for yourself.

Carolotta, that is so true. Doesn't make much sense at first but you learn to concentrate on your actions and not to try to control someone else. Dandylion, you could be describing me. I was always thinking I'd wait to leave until and the reason kept changing and changing until I did the hard work on myself. So much great advice here. And always great support.

Dandylion, that is a very good question. The rule or line in the sand. I don't believe I have one, because I allowed my standards to be lowered. He's not violent so I never worried about physical abuse. Wow, I don't know. "Yet" is because I convinced myself that when he completes his classes in December, he will start to help with the bills. It's so helpful to type the words that I think, because they look unreal on my screen. He got a paycheck today but hasn't given me any cash for bills. He's been drinking, because he's sleep already. Usually I'd go through his s**t, but I have time to read my codependent book. Thank you all so much.

Carlotta, that cat's face is priceless. Gave me a good laugh.