Detachment question

Old 07-04-2013, 11:11 AM
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Detachment question

Why is it detachment so hard?

I know he is not what I want. I know I don't want to be with him. He disrespected me, broke my heart, lied to me, and was so unstable when he used to drink. I am learning to care for him, but not having him in my life.

I still can't believe he is over 100 days sober and going so strong. I am happy for him, but at the same time upset because I am just stuck and feeling miserable and feel SO attached to him even when we don't talk.

Anyhow, WHY is it detachment so hard? He feels like my drug.

Any advice for this process is greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:29 AM
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Detachment is a tool that you use when you still have to interact with the alcoholic. I don't think detachment is what you are talking about, it is how to move on from the relationship after it's over.

I know that up until my last relationship ended about eight years ago, I was always either in a relationship or working on getting into one. I'd been doing that from the time I was 16 until I was almost 50. I had completely lost any concept of who I was if I wasn't in a relationship. The relationship defined me in many ways. My career was important to me, but I had no personal life apart from who I was in the context of my relationship at the time.

This might be a really good time for you to focus on YOU. Try some new things, or try pursuing some interests you maybe used to have before you wound up in this relationship. It takes time to move on from a relationship that has ended--regardless of the reason. Make some new friends. Do some volunteer work. Take yourself out on dates (dinner and a movie--maybe all by yourself).

And give it some time. This isn't a race. It's OK if you feel crappy part of the time. Nobody enjoys feeling crappy, but it's part of the process. Eventually the good days will outnumber the crappy ones. Keep at it, and things will start to get better.
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:41 PM
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mv, it always hurts whenever we loose anything that we have invested ourselves into. There is a grieving process that follows--grieving is the first phase of healing---but it sucks large jagged rocks!!!

Face forward to the life that is waiting for you. This will get easier as time goes on. It goes faster if you stay as structured and busy as you can.

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Old 07-04-2013, 03:38 PM
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He feels like my drug.
Bingo! It's codependent obsession and I promise that it passes if you work a good program. I strongly suggest Alanon, which saved my sanity and taught me to avoid people who bring pain into my life. Like the alcoholic we also have to deal with denial and rationalization. It's a process and it sounds like you're ready to start on a program of recovery. The answer is in YOU not in him.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:26 PM
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I am using detachment in the sense of letting go... no from him and his problems. I am done with that.

I am just having a REALLY hard time moving forward.
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