XAH is Dying...Just need to vent
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
XAH is Dying...Just need to vent
So, my XAH is dying of metastatic melanoma. He managed to burn so many bridges in his drinking life that I am looked at as the one to be his primary caretaker, because I actually still give a **** (the only person in his life who does apparently) and have the summer off because I am a teacher.
Holy ****, everybody...it's been really hard. And emotional. And just...hard. It's not winning me any friends with my fiancé either (oh...did I mention I have a fiancé, and we bought a house together about 10 months ago)? I guess I don't even have a question right now, but I'm sure one will crop up. So far, it's run the gamut for me emotionally from being super sorry for him, feeling love for him again, feeling hatred for him again while he tears me apart for not leaving my fiancé for him cuz he's dying, to feeling pity for him as well as compassion mixed with love and wanting to help him have some semblance of dignity and well, fun sometimes, before he leaves this big blue marble. His prognosis is in months, not years. All of this is foreign to me. I gave too much to this man, was completely co-dependent, then got over that to a large extent, and now he needs me, or at least someone, for real, and it's hard. I'm in therapy. My daughter is in therapy.
anyway, just want to check in and vent for now. I'm sure I'll come up with some questions later.
Edit to add...he's the father of my daughter. That makes it more compelling for me to want to help. I think I could turn it over more easily otherwise.
Holy ****, everybody...it's been really hard. And emotional. And just...hard. It's not winning me any friends with my fiancé either (oh...did I mention I have a fiancé, and we bought a house together about 10 months ago)? I guess I don't even have a question right now, but I'm sure one will crop up. So far, it's run the gamut for me emotionally from being super sorry for him, feeling love for him again, feeling hatred for him again while he tears me apart for not leaving my fiancé for him cuz he's dying, to feeling pity for him as well as compassion mixed with love and wanting to help him have some semblance of dignity and well, fun sometimes, before he leaves this big blue marble. His prognosis is in months, not years. All of this is foreign to me. I gave too much to this man, was completely co-dependent, then got over that to a large extent, and now he needs me, or at least someone, for real, and it's hard. I'm in therapy. My daughter is in therapy.
anyway, just want to check in and vent for now. I'm sure I'll come up with some questions later.
Edit to add...he's the father of my daughter. That makes it more compelling for me to want to help. I think I could turn it over more easily otherwise.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Forgot to mention that since his doctors at the hospital he is being treated at all know he is an alcoholic (because he was treated for his alcoholism at the same hospital which is how he got diagnosed) they won't give him any pain meds when they send him home. His cancer has spread to his bones. Bone cancer pain is excruciating. He had a skin graft done on his leg. That too is excruciating. I walked in to apt. today and he was crying from the pain. That is hard to deal with for me, and I can't imagine what it's like for him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
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I'm reading you too, also not knowing what to say....
Geez, he's terminal and they won't give him pain meds? That seems inhumane. Terrible! What the hell do they think they're protecting him from? ...grrr, that's just not right....
I can see why you took on the task. Sometimes it seems like life would be easier if we could turn off the "caring" switch......sigh
But then, you see people who *have* turned theirs off and it's not something you would want to be.
I'm glad you and your daughter have a therapist, and I'm glad to know you have a fiance so that you have loving, sane (I'm assuming
) support.
Geez, he's terminal and they won't give him pain meds? That seems inhumane. Terrible! What the hell do they think they're protecting him from? ...grrr, that's just not right....
I can see why you took on the task. Sometimes it seems like life would be easier if we could turn off the "caring" switch......sigh
But then, you see people who *have* turned theirs off and it's not something you would want to be.
I'm glad you and your daughter have a therapist, and I'm glad to know you have a fiance so that you have loving, sane (I'm assuming
) support.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I admire your strength. What a wonderful example you are providing for your daughter. Hopefully this will help both of you heal.
Also glad that you both are in therapy.
When my alcoholic father was dying, I went back into therapy too.
During that time, it was so important that I took care of myself and my family. My dad also burnt many bridges and hardly anyone wanted to get involved. I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn't undo all the mistakes he had made in his life. I did what I felt I was capable of doing and asked for help or said no when I had reached my limit.
The staff knew that my dad was an alcoholic but gave him pain meds. Regular doses of Xanax helped him cope with all the anxiety he was experiencing. They also gave him morphine. He drank almost his entire life, I didn't think we needed to worry about his addiction problems when he had months to live.
I'm saying a prayer for all of you.
Fondly,
db
Also glad that you both are in therapy.
When my alcoholic father was dying, I went back into therapy too.
During that time, it was so important that I took care of myself and my family. My dad also burnt many bridges and hardly anyone wanted to get involved. I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn't undo all the mistakes he had made in his life. I did what I felt I was capable of doing and asked for help or said no when I had reached my limit.
The staff knew that my dad was an alcoholic but gave him pain meds. Regular doses of Xanax helped him cope with all the anxiety he was experiencing. They also gave him morphine. He drank almost his entire life, I didn't think we needed to worry about his addiction problems when he had months to live.
I'm saying a prayer for all of you.
Fondly,
db
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
Forgot to mention that since his doctors at the hospital he is being treated at all know he is an alcoholic (because he was treated for his alcoholism at the same hospital which is how he got diagnosed) they won't give him any pain meds when they send him home. His cancer has spread to his bones. Bone cancer pain is excruciating. He had a skin graft done on his leg. That too is excruciating. I walked in to apt. today and he was crying from the pain. That is hard to deal with for me, and I can't imagine what it's like for him.
But this quote above - this needs attention straight away. He needs hospice services, and so do you. Hospice will take care of his palliative care and pain management, as well as offering you time off each day with in-home caregiver support. Respite is what its called.
Not give pain meds because he's an alcoholic - Pffffttt - what difference does it make now?
Get on the phone and call hospice.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
Is there any way he can get into Hospice Care? Their main focus is keeping the patient pain free and keeping them as comfortable as possible..Hospice was a Godsend when my parents were dying...
With a terminal patient, who cares if they become addictive to pain meds?
You're very kind to be with him at this time, I can't imagine anyone dying alone, no matter what they've done in the past...
OOOPS, sorry Tuffgirl-we said almost the exact same thing..I have to start reading the whole thread before I post.
With a terminal patient, who cares if they become addictive to pain meds?
You're very kind to be with him at this time, I can't imagine anyone dying alone, no matter what they've done in the past...
OOOPS, sorry Tuffgirl-we said almost the exact same thing..I have to start reading the whole thread before I post.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Another vote for hospice and pain meds. Maybe the doctors are afraid he will drink on them and overdose, but again, so what? He is terminal, and if that happens, it happens.
Sorry you are having to deal with this, Mambo. If he weren't your daughter's dad I might ask whether this is something you should be taking on, but under the circumstances I understand.
Hugs,
Sorry you are having to deal with this, Mambo. If he weren't your daughter's dad I might ask whether this is something you should be taking on, but under the circumstances I understand.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I also admire your strength in doing the right thing. I hope your fiance can see that, if he ever needs it, you will stand by his side just the same.
Okay, the pain issue. Ridiculous. I'm a health care provider, and would not hesitate to control his pain. Seriously, it's not like he's going to become addicted..he already is. He's dying, they're not going to save him from his addiction at this point. But they can show some compassion and humanity, give him what peace they can. Talk to his insurance company, his doctors, get him into Hospice care.
Love and prayers....
Okay, the pain issue. Ridiculous. I'm a health care provider, and would not hesitate to control his pain. Seriously, it's not like he's going to become addicted..he already is. He's dying, they're not going to save him from his addiction at this point. But they can show some compassion and humanity, give him what peace they can. Talk to his insurance company, his doctors, get him into Hospice care.
Love and prayers....
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