IsThisMe

It's been almost 2 weeks now since my AXBF left in the company of the police...

Since then, I have heard all of seven words "Don't ever contact my family again, understood?" Which I presume was in response to my frantic call to his mother when I was sick with worry. He obviously wasn't very happy with me for pulling the curtain open to his parents (who already had concerns about his drinking)

He's since removed me, and everyone I've ever introduced him to from his life (Facebook etc..)

I have messaged him twice in all this time.

1)After the incident to say that he needed help and that it wasn't enough for me to want it but that he had to want it for himself and that he could not live with us in the meantime. Please organise to collect your things and let me know if you want to meet and talk.

(Insert his above message here)

2)My reply: "Understood. I would think that you know me well enough to know that I don't do things to be mean or nasty and I always try to be a good person. One day, I hope you realise that I did what I did because I care, at the risk of making you angry. Today is not that day. I'm only sorry that you still can't see what you are doing to yourself and those that love you.

Please organise for someone to collect your things and I would appreciate if you would return (my son's) phone at the same time."

Since then I have move all his belongings to the carport/shed as I couldn't bear to look at them. Everything I clapped eyes on made me cry and even now. I still come across things that feel like a punch in the gut and quickly move them to storage.

It may seem cold that I have moved so quickly but looking at my house full of his things made me feel miserable and trapped and rejected. Everything was a reminder of his outburst and the damage he did to my belongings, my kids and my heart.

The problem is, he hasn't collected anything! No contact whatsoever, no friend to grab his stuff. I'm still taking care of his pet (That I don't want but can't bear to let die just cause he's a jerk)

How long am I meant to hold onto his belongings when he obviously can't be bothered getting them? His parents are kind people and I would feel terrible just dropping his things on thier doorstep. It wouldn't be fair to them either. Plus it would be going back on my word of not contacting his family again.

I feel like he is a coward. He won't face me because he is embarrassed by what he did and to do so he would have to admit that he has a problem and f***ed up big time. Are his belongings just collateral damange to him?

So... How long do I wait before binning/selling or giving away his things? And Am I legalley obligated in any way?

CarryOn

There was a similar thread (sorry...I don't know how to link it!) from electricalguru called "Legal Question" that was started 6/30/13...there are some suggestions there that may help.

From that...I would suggest sending him a letter, certified w/ return receipt, notifying him of a time frame to collect his things within or they will be sold/donated/tossed.

I totally get why you want his stuff out of your house. Why would you want to hold on to reminders of a relationship that is now over. Besides, I'm sure you can find better ways to use the space. Wishing you the best with taking another step to move him out of your life.

LexieCat

I would drop them off with his parents. You don't have to discuss anything about him, his drinking, or your relationship. You can simply say that you don't want to be holding onto his belongings and you don't feel it would be a good idea for you to go to his home.

You can be polite and still keep your word about not discussing the situation with them. And ask them if they would like to take his pet.

lillamy

Ditto Lexie. That's how I would handle it.

And I do NOT think for a second you're "moving on too quickly." On the contrary, you're doing everything according to the book I would write if I ever wrote a book about what to do in your situation.

IsThisMe

Sending him a letter would be ideal but I don't know where he lives! I think he's just been couch hopping different friends. So the registered letter has nowhere to go

Thanks LexieCat They don't have anywhere to put it all and apparently neither does he. Not to mention I would have to hire someone to do it as I have a little car that won't take his furniture. We're not talking a car load of stuff here... he has big furniture and many loads of things.
This is part of the reason I don't want to just dump his crap on his parents and run.

Thanks CarryOn for the thread... I had a look. Storage locker could be an option but I can't afford to pay for it, and again, I'd have to hire movers

We weren't married but we were considered defacto so I'm not sure how the law applies... looks like I may need to get legal advice.

lillamy

Getting a lawyer's opinion may be a good idea. You may be able to get advice from a women's shelter on this kind of thing, pro bono.

I'm a few steps (three years) removed from separating. But my take is that you've already gone above and beyond by considering whether his parents have room for his stuff or not. You could have just said "this is Somebody Else's Problem" and dumped his stuff on their front lawn.

But since you know they don't have room -- send the certified letter to their address. Let them know that unless his stuff is picked up by such and such a date, you will donate it. That removes the burden from your shoulders to theirs -- his stuff is now their problem. They have to take active action (contact him or get the stuff).

And if the date comes and goes and the stuff is still there, call your local charity. I know St. Vincent de Paul and Value Village in some places come by and pick stuff up, won't cost you a dime.

But like I said -- before you get rid of the stuff, consult a lawyer to make sure the law's got your back.

IsThisMe

Arghhhhhhhhh! I spoke to a lawyer who said that I am bound by "A reasonable time" for which the maximun statute is 3 years!

He said that I should keep emailing him and keep records of everytime I request that he collect his belongings. After A YEAR I can get rid of it and with my documentation, won't be held responsible.

The only problem is, I have no where to store his stuff that is safe. It's currently in an open air carport that could mean water damage or theft (It's not a lock up)
My landlord will not be happy when inspection after inspection there's junk in the carport... I could lose my house.

It seems like no matter what, if he doesn't collect it (his choice) *I* will be liable for it and he could sue me for the value of his things.

When I got divorced, me ex was self-employed and all our credit was in my name (STUPID - I know) He basically wiped his hands of it after the split and I was forced to file bankruptcy to get out from under mountains of debt that I couldn't handle as a single parent. Now it looks like I've manage to screw myself again.

You know, my mother had been with the same man for 18 years and they STILL don't live together. I think she has the right idea...

Tuffgirl

Can't argue with this above. And if you feel you've screwed yourself again, now is a perfect time to give that some serious reflection time. Maybe, like many of us here, you have a "broken picker"!

It sounds to me as if you have several options.
1. take the stuff to his parents house and apologize profusely but leave it anyway.
2. box it up carefully in watertight storage containers, but let him know the only place for his stuff is in the carport, so come get it quickly. At least you could argue you made an effort to protect his belongings.
3. move it back into your house and wait.

Personally, I'd do #1 if this guy is dangerous and you need him gone NOW. If not, I'd wait it out a while longer.

LexieCat

Yup, I agree!

I dunno... Here's a thought. What if you were to ask a lawyer to draft a letter (just a letter shouldn't be too expensive) for you to send him, certified mail, stating that if he does not retrieve his belongings within 30 days (or contact the attorney to make other arrangements within that time) that his stuff will be placed in a storage locker and that he will have to assume responsibility for all moving and storage costs before he will be permitted to retrieve it. And that if no arrangements are made within six months, you will make no further rental payments and the storage company may decide to dispose of the items. The letter should further state that any communications regarding this matter should be directed to the attorney, not you.

This would cost you some money, but it has a couple of advantages. First, you will get the stuff out of your place. It's annoying to have to put out money to move and store it, but that's about the only way to get it out of your place. Second, if he puts you in the position of having to put it in storage, if he wants it back he will have to pay to get it out. So there's a chance at least that you will get that money back. And third, the lawyer is the one who he will have to talk to, not you.

When I split up with the last guy I lived with, we owned property together that we sold, with the proceeds to be split according to an agreement I drafted and he signed. I knew he was likely to cause trouble when all was said and done, and I hired a lawyer to mail all the documents and to respond to his inevitable demand for more money. It cost me legal fees, but boy, was it money well spent! Ultimately he went his way, and I didn't have to deal with him personally.

You might run a plan like that by the lawyer. It seems like a reasonable way to go, and if you can afford it, it would give you some peace of mind.

IsThisMe

Well, interestingly thing have been somewhat resolved (I hope) but now I have new concerns...

I emailed the AXBF on the advice of a lawyer to do so regulalry for a while to prove that I gave him ample opportunity to collect his things (thereby covering my behind)

In that email I stated that if I had not heard from him by the weekend, that I would be contacting his parents to collect on his behalf. That must have spurred him into action and he replied by text BUT his message seemed to me (and a few other people) to be a veiled threat.

His reply: "I'll get my stuff sometime next week, and if my stuff does get damaged or stolen!!! So make sure it's safe n covered thanks"

At first I thought he'd left out the rest of message, then I realized that the !!! WAS the message. I think it's so veiled that I can't call it a threat whereas others have said that is DEFINITELY a threat.

Now, I'm wondering if I *should* go get the retraining order renewed just to protect myself and the kids.

Why does he hate me so much?? I have been nothing but kind and rational - taking all his clothes and important paperwork to his mate's house (along with the car equipement that I knew he wanted to install this past weekend) Agonising over our realtionship and his alcoholism, worrying about him and mourning what might have been and even hoping that he'd come to see himself and take steps to get clean.

He's the one who went psycho on my furniture, left, never came back, no contact, no apology, no explanation, cut me out of his life in one fell swoop. How am *I* the bad guy???

In any case, his mother called me yesterday and we spoke about what was happening. She wants me to call her on Sunday if he hasn't made plans to collect his things and she and his dad will do it. (Thank goodness!!) I told her that he told me never to talk to her again and she said she won't tell him we spoke. She's a lovely woman who I genuinely like for HER (not just because she was his mum) and she understands my perspective as a woman and a mother and my need to get his stuff out (and how painful it is to have it there)

So... Perspective please??? Should I be filing this restraining order? Or is it over the top and I'm jumping at shadows?

LexieCat

I wouldn't interpret the email as a threat, except to get really angry if his stuff is damaged or stolen. No news to you, right?

I'd go ahead and get the RO anyway, just based on the prior incident. You will feel safer, and hopefully once he picks up his stuff that will be the end of it. Plus, if he HASN'T picked up his stuff by the time of the hearing, you could ask the judge to make that a part of the order--that he makes arrangements WITH A POLICE ESCORT when he picks it up. Police often will stand by for property removals, if they are asked to. Typically, judges can make all kinds of provisions as part of a restraining order. Property removal is pretty standard.