BoxOfRocks

Been broken up with my XABF for 3 weeks now. It's getting better all the time for me, but I have a question for my fellow recovering codependents out there.

After we broke up he would email me every day saying he loved me, please keep believing in him, and so on. It initially annoyed me that he kept emailing me but I never responded, I just ignored the emails. But a couple of days ago he stopped emailing me--and I found that I really missed the emails! That just goes to show how much I still care about what he thinks about me (if he doesn't email me --> then he doesn't love me anymore --> then I am not lovable).

I know this is codependent thinking and I am trying to find love within myself. How do you guys do that? Am I going to be stuck forever in this place where I feel pain caused by diseased thinking, and WANT to love myself but don't know how?

(Going to 2nd ever CODA meeting tonight!)

LexieCat

No, you will NOT be stuck there forever. Give it some time. The less time you spend communicating with, or thinking about, someone who isn't well, and the more time you spend around people who are healthy and can appreciate you for all your good qualities, the better you will feel about yourself.

Other things you can do include developing your own interests or doing something to help others. Those kinds of things will do a lot to boost your quality of life and start making you feel good about who you are.

Keep working your recovery--you'll get there.

Tuffgirl

CODA meetings are good. I immersed myself in reading everything I could find on codependency and such. Think I lived in the self-help section for a while.

Secondly, I did a lot of things that helped to build self esteem again; started off small with volunteering last summer at a local farmer's market. Pretty soon - 6 months had gone by and I was feeling so awesome and empowered that I went back to school to finish my 2nd master's program...one I had dropped out of for an entire year.

Start small and work your way up to it. And know that you will be ok. Always remember that.

Hammer

Are we REALLY asking about the downsides of LIFE - CRAZY = SANITY?

REALLY?

wicked

Oh, no, I think you will be thinking clearly much quicker than I did.
Before the ink was dry on my divorce papers, I had already picked out
the second Mr. Wicked.
He drank like I did.
I thought that was normal for me, or what I deserved.

You, BoxofRocks, have already recognized that you have some skewed thinking, and have been to CODA meetings.
To me, I think 3 weeks is an amazing quickness, you should be back on track soon.
Keep taking care of yourself and working on you.
You are doing the best you can right now, and I think it is pretty dang good.


Keep learning and keep growing.

Beth

lillamy

I don't know if this is any kind of help but... the fact that you're asking the question means you manage to get separated before it got really effing awful.

Me? I was skipping through life once I got AXH out of it. OMG, I was even enjoying stocking the dishwasher and scrubbing floors because I had some control back over my own life again.

To me, filling my life wasn't a problem -- I was finally allowed to do the stuff I hadn't been able to do for years: Go to coffee with friends, decide to take a whole Saturday and go for a long bike ride, stay in bed and watch tearjerkermovies and eat chocolate all day... So that's my advice to you: Take the weekend and do WHATEVER YOU FEEL LIKE. Bring a laptop to a coffee shop and start writing the great novel of our time or curl up on the couch and watch kids' shows all day. It's your life! Live it!

Catherine628

I am rediscovering interests I forgot I even had. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and letting myself feel emotions. The early days of leaving a relationship are not easy, even a bad relationship. But a happy, healthy life is worth it.

BoxOfRocks

Thanks to everyone. I am developing some new interests and revisiting old interests. Doing more hiking now. Being out in nature is very centering. I find myself "wanting it all NOW" in my recovery but last night at the CODA meeting I heard about the term "slowbriety" which is what I really needed right now.

NYCDoglvr

I don't know you but I can promise these cravings, obsessions will pass if you just stay with your program. It helps to keep the focus in TODAY ... you only have to get trough it. In Alanon I learned the problem is me and that if I keep picking alcoholics I'll have the same miserable relationships. In the interim, I did a lot of fast walking every day, a great way to clear my head. Also, I got a sponsor and she was a huge help. Keep posting, we all are -- or have been -- through the same "withdrawal".