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My pain is unmanageable. I have so much grief. I am experiencing the loss of my whole life. I have to admit that I was never loved or accepted and I wasted most of my life trying to find love and acceptance in the wrong places. When I realized I was doing this, I quit , and have been alone for 12 years. It is hard not to blame myself and think that I must have been unlovable all my life and there has to be something very wrong with me.

I think I am going to have to get past this grief before I can move on.

[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 19, 2002).]

MG- Say it ain't so. 12 years! I am only on 1 1/2 (3 if I am honest with myself about lack of connection with the exa) I do like myself and with the work I have been doing with the 12 steps and Dr. Phil's help, hope to eventually love myself, but what good will it do if I end up alone anyway. I guess Marvin the Bloodhound better live a LOOONNNNGGGGG life so I have some companionship.

Somehow first I have to deal with the old tapes I have playing through my head. I don't know where to find that in the 12 steps. Right now acceptance to me means accepting the fact that I'm stupid, and worthless, and unlovable, and a total failure at everything I've tried to do. I'm sitting in that right now, not feeling sorry for myself, but trying to figure out where I could possibly go from here to change those feelings. How do you give to yourself what you never received in the first place. Nothing comes from nothing. I am really confused.

The bible has a verse that says "Spring up oh well within my soul,spring up oh well and make me whole". I'm hoping that underneath all this garbage that was laid on me that there is something inside from my HP that will restore me. I've been peeling this onion for 12 years. I have a very big onion inside of me. I'm tired.

Morning Glory,
I know and can relate to how your feeling right now. I certainly have those days. They are coming around quite frequently now, but at the same time, I am trying to see through all this fog.

It is difficult, I just wanted to let you know your not alone, hang in there.

Love&God Bless,
bonbon

This was a very scarey sentence to me...."Right now acceptance to me means accepting the fact that I'm stupid, and worthless, and unlovable, and a total failure at everything I've tried to do"

you are none of those things - that is your internal dialog on how you feel about yourself... if you ACCEPT that is what you are about - then you will never move forward... how about accepting that you are a wonderfuil bright intense human being who is deserving of a wonderful future and that you needto change the internal dialog to positive instead of negative feedbakc?

Ogly

Ogly,

I can try to start thinking that way, but how do you make the feelings and emotions that you have match the new thoughts. Do you just force yourself to think and ignore the feelings?

Morning Glory

Morning Glory, I can totally relate to your thoughts and feelings. I suffer with depression and had a bad case last week. With depression my thinking becomes distorted, I start seeing everything in absolutes, black and white(not much white). The other thing that happens is I start beating myself up - big time. So part of it is distorted thinking which I think comes from a temporary imbalance in my body chemistry. But the other part, the despair and feelings of intense pain - those are real. They are so strong and vivid that sometimes I can hardley stand to be in my own skin. These feelings must come from a place of intense need and longing. While the feelings are real the thoughts are twisted. Feel the pain, but dont think it means you are a failure. Pain just is, we cant always avoid it. Life is supposed to be hard, my mother never told me that.

What helps me is to reach out to as many people as possible, friends, this site, meetings and share my feelings. It also helps me to cry and sob for awhile, especially with a good friend or counselor. I also take St. JOhns Wort 3 times a day (I dont want to do the other antidepressants).

I want you to know from someone that has just been there and back, the thoughts about being worthless are not true, but the depression talking. You know somewhere deep in your soul that you are very worthwhile, you are the shinning glory of the creator of our universe. Its the pain, the disappointment, and strong desire to change your life, that drive you to these thoughts. And maybe some toxic childhood messages.

You can make it back to the place of balance, and you will. Just keep on breathing, you never know what tomorrow will bring. You may receive a sail in the tide tomorrow. I love you, I value your friedship, I need you in my quest to find a better life. Take heart, relief will come...

It is so good to have all of you. You are all so wonderful. You are some of the best people I have ever known. I count that as a blessing in the middle of all this pain. I even think the support you give is the very reason I feel safe enough to feel this pain. Believe me, feeling the pain is much better than carrying it around in a giant ball inside. Just another step forward I guess. Thank you all,
Morning Glory

....stupid? I DON'T THINK SO! You are a computer genius!

You have some homework to do...and I think you ought to post it right here...write a list of all your GOOD qualities.

Then do some work on forgiving your parents..they could only do what they knew how to do....just like us. Everyone alive could use a litte family of origin work.

Now lets get started!

I have great legs...your turn... http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/smile.gif
Paula

I can always count on you Paula to keep me in shape.
I really have a hard time with my good qualities http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/eek.gif so I asked my daughter for help. I'm really embarassed writing these down, but here is what she said,

Sensitive
Caring
Compassionate
Funny
Smart
Pretty
Self Sufficient
Generous
A loving mother
A super sleuth?
A super grandma
Very intuative
And you have a wonderful daughter

I can't tell you how hard and embarassing this is to post. http://soberrecovery.com/ubb/redface.gif




[This message has been edited by Morning Glory (edited April 19, 2002).]

Morning Glory
Your posts have been so helpful to me. you are needed and loved here. Don't let your demons take you anywhere. It is hard. .I know cause I let the demons have me for about 2-3 days and it was miserable. Thanks to all of you,I am dealing with things and am practicing safe healthy detachment with love again.

Rose is so right that is your depression and negative self-talk. Read your Alanon books COurage to Change and One Day At A Time. Look in the back where it has listed the different topics and pages that deal with them If you don't have these books you can purchase them at your next meeting or on line on the main Alanon Web Page www.al-anon.alateen.org.
God Bless and lots of hugs Mo

Hi Morning Glory!

It sounds like you do have a wonderful daughter. It's pretty tough getting started tooting your own horn... but you get used to it... then you get to like it.
For some reason you made me think of a friend of mine who taught college. She said she always had trouble chastising a class of students, because it was never the ones who were messing up who heard the message. It was the good students that took it to heart, thought the teacher was talking about them, and worked that much harder to please.

I can add one other thing to your wothiness list. You are a person who cares about your worth and your social identity. Anybody who's ever had to live with an addict can tell you how precious that quality is.

Love,
Smoke

Morning Morning..

Funny is what jumped out at me..if you could direct that sense of humor at yourself like you do on these boards you could be way ahead of the game!

It is so out of wack to be thinking all those terrible things about yourself...if someone else was saying those things about herself...what would you say to her? Those feelings you are having are TEMPORARY...they are not he real you! Recovery is a process and grieving is a very real part of it...but don't ever forget that you are good person...the situation is what is bad.

Keep looking at your list and expand upon it!

(((HUGS)))
Paula

[This message has been edited by Just Tired (edited April 20, 2002).]

I also feel like that at times and when I do I have to look in the mirror and tell myself over and over what I have to be so thankful for and to tell myself over and over that I'm a wonderful person.

My 3 1/2 year old son is a blessing. Every morning when I'm getting ready for work my son says "mom, you're soooooo pretty and I'm your boy...I love you!!" that just melts my heart and those are the times that I realize I have everything in this world to be thankful for. He doesn't say those things to my a he says them to me.

Listen and believe your daughter. she is telling you the truth. Those things are how she truely feels about you and how she and others see you. Write those things down in a journal and look at them everytime you start to be down on yourself. You are a wonderful person and have alot to give. You are an inspiration. Believe that, all of us here do!!!

Take care and know we are here for you always!

Galnva