What is loving detachment?
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What is loving detachment?
I've seen this term used a lot and I'm not sure of what it exactly means. How can you detach from someone but still be married? Or better yet maintain any semblence of peace?
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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You love by not being overbearing with how you love. You give yourself space to objectively understand the dysfunctional dynamics in a given relationship.
"How can you detach from someone but still be married?"
Its not as if you don't care about them anymore nor do you no longer love them. Its about redefining the relationship in a healthier way.
"Or better yet maintain any semblence of peace?"
My take is that some friction is inevitable, but there are things you can do to make things go as smoothly as possible. You own inner peace/balance is the ultimate goal and it takes some work.
That's my understanding and I'm currently working on it in my own relationship. Hope this helps some...
"How can you detach from someone but still be married?"
Its not as if you don't care about them anymore nor do you no longer love them. Its about redefining the relationship in a healthier way.
"Or better yet maintain any semblence of peace?"
My take is that some friction is inevitable, but there are things you can do to make things go as smoothly as possible. You own inner peace/balance is the ultimate goal and it takes some work.
That's my understanding and I'm currently working on it in my own relationship. Hope this helps some...
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I'm kind of taking it to mean I sit back and let him (Mr. Wonderful) do what he is going to do and not intervene or control, and I go off and pursue my own inner peace. IDK, it just sounds like the beginning of the end. I suppose if I went to an Al-Anon meeting I could get a clearer understanding, I'm just not ready for that step yet.
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall 
I'm kind of taking it to mean I sit back and let him (Mr. Wonderful) do what he is going to do and not intervene or control, and I go off and pursue my own inner peace. IDK, it just sounds like the beginning of the end. I suppose if I went to an Al-Anon meeting I could get a clearer understanding, I'm just not ready for that step yet.
This sounds like the beginning of the end to you? The beginning of the end of what, may I ask? Not being snide, just wondering. After all, your signature line says "if you change nothing, nothing will ever change", so it sounds like you're looking for something different to happen.
Would again recommend Alanon; it's really not all that scary. I found it way less scary than living the life I was living...you probably would too.
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
I'm kind of taking it to mean I sit back and let him (Mr. Wonderful) do what he is going to do and not intervene or control, and I go off and pursue my own inner peace. IDK, it just sounds like the beginning of the end. I suppose if I went to an Al-Anon meeting I could get a clearer understanding, I'm just not ready for that step yet.
Have you tried on-line Alanon meetings? I cannot get to a f2f meeting, but attend online several times a week.
A work in progress
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Detachment is more than simply letting the alcoholic "do his thing" while you do yours. It means basically detaching yourself EMOTIONALLY from whatever he's doing. If he is acting like a jerk, or drinking, or whatever, you recognize it as sick behavior from a sick person. You don't take it personally as a reflection on your worth. You don't engage with crazy behavior--arguing with him when he is talking nonsense (what we often refer to here as "quacking"). You don't run interference for him or clean up his messes.
It's a skill, and you get better at it with practice. It helps if you've gained an understanding of the disease of alcoholism and recognize the common behaviors and tactics that alcoholics use to protect their addiction. It also helps if you are working on your own recovery, which will make you feel more in control of yourself and help you understand what's his responsibility and what's yours.
It's a skill, and you get better at it with practice. It helps if you've gained an understanding of the disease of alcoholism and recognize the common behaviors and tactics that alcoholics use to protect their addiction. It also helps if you are working on your own recovery, which will make you feel more in control of yourself and help you understand what's his responsibility and what's yours.
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It means basically detaching yourself EMOTIONALLY from whatever he's doing. If he is acting like a jerk, or drinking, or whatever, you recognize it as sick behavior from a sick person. You don't take it personally as a reflection on your worth. You don't engage with crazy behavior--arguing with him when he is talking nonsense (what we often refer to here as "quacking"). You don't run interference for him or clean up his messes.
It's a skill, and you get better at it with practice.
It's a skill, and you get better at it with practice.
I refused to explain why AXH never came to places we were invited. I stopped calling his boss and saying he was sick when he was just hungover. I quit helping him get to bed -- I let him sleep where he feel, including in a pool of vomit in the bathroom.
But I also, and more importantly, realized that doing those things I had been doing before wasn't my responsibility. Neither was "fixing it" if he was sad or upset. Nor was walking on eggshells to make sure nothing upset him.
When I started trying to live a normal life within an alcoholic home (that's basically what detachment is, I think), all hell broke loose. Because he didn't like that things changed. He didn't like not having a designated driver to take him to the liquor store when he wanted more. He didn't like the kids acting like kids instead of being super quiet on Sunday morning when he had a hangover. He definitely didn't like me saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walking off when he was trying to pick a fight or trying to gain sympathy for something that had happened to him during the day.
If it means the beginning of the end, it's an end that was coming anyway, and you'll just get to it healthier and happier.
For some, though, it's the beginning of the end of active drinking, when they get to face the consequences of their drinking and drunken behavior without anyone cushioning the blow for them.
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I guess I feel like dataching means disconnecting. We were talking about future plans last night and a big part of me felt there was no use because there is no future if he keeps drinking.
The beginning of the end means the end of my marriage. I'm not quite ready for that yet. I guess my surge of empowerment yesterday was short lived.
It also seems like when I hear detach, what I here is disconnect. I don't want to be disconnected from my marriage yet. Oi Vey, I'm going through hell and he is happy and drunk.
The beginning of the end means the end of my marriage. I'm not quite ready for that yet. I guess my surge of empowerment yesterday was short lived.
It also seems like when I hear detach, what I here is disconnect. I don't want to be disconnected from my marriage yet. Oi Vey, I'm going through hell and he is happy and drunk.
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Often heard at Alanon --
Detaching means not dragging them into bed when drunk, but rather letting them sleeap on the floor or wherever.
Detaching with Love means still leaving them wherever, but putting a blanket on them.
But dunno -- I never did it all that well. I finally settled on just getting distance.
Detaching means not dragging them into bed when drunk, but rather letting them sleeap on the floor or wherever.
Detaching with Love means still leaving them wherever, but putting a blanket on them.
But dunno -- I never did it all that well. I finally settled on just getting distance.
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Detached is different from disconnected. Detachment just means that you aren't ENMESHED with him. You don't have to leave unless and until you are ready to. Some people never leave, but with a proper degree of detachment they can have happy lives. I think that's kind of rare, but it does happen.
Detachment serves two purposes. First (and most important, from your perspective), it protects you from emotional pain. Second, it allows the alcoholic to experience the consequences of his own actions--which sometimes speeds up the point at which he will realize he has to quit drinking.
Detachment serves two purposes. First (and most important, from your perspective), it protects you from emotional pain. Second, it allows the alcoholic to experience the consequences of his own actions--which sometimes speeds up the point at which he will realize he has to quit drinking.
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Ok, I'm lazy tonight & I remembered posting about this months ago so I searched my post out & I'm copy-pasting here:
But the entire thread had a lot of great perspectives (in addition to the great input above): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3576090
I think the other posters make a great point about not running interference. I started doing a lot of shoulder shrugging & "I don't know'ing when his behavior got more obvious with others. I simply couldn't continually make excuses for things I just did NOT understand.
This is just my opinion/method of dealing with detachment. I haven't formally 'learned' or read about this specifically... I just kind of make it up as I go.
For ME, detaching is about getting outside of my head & looking at this person/situation as a 3rd party would. I imagine it like watching a movie..... I see it, but I'm not interacting with it.
The 'with love' part comes from realizing I want the best possible outcome for this person (them to be happy & free from the issues that hold them back) but also knowing that only THEY can make the decision to start living their life in a better way... so I limit the ways we interact which don't allow me to act/react with love. When an argument begins, I walk away. With no audience to feed the drama the effect is often lost. I work on not taking their negative energy personally, which requires continually reminding myself to not play into their drama, which zaps my patience & shortens the time/energy I spend with that person. BUT the time I HAVE spent was loving & supportive.
With my AH this certainly resulted in less time spent together = detaching physically & not just emotionally. When I really felt the detachment for the first time, it was an real AHA! moment..... & it struck me as being so simple that it becomes complicated. Without me feeding into his negative energy he either feeds into it all on his own (I called it the Tazmanian Devil Act) OR he can try to interact with me in a calmer, more rational manner. Either way, I've handed him the power to determine how the interaction proceeds. I'll always be able to choose to walk away.
For ME, detaching is about getting outside of my head & looking at this person/situation as a 3rd party would. I imagine it like watching a movie..... I see it, but I'm not interacting with it.
The 'with love' part comes from realizing I want the best possible outcome for this person (them to be happy & free from the issues that hold them back) but also knowing that only THEY can make the decision to start living their life in a better way... so I limit the ways we interact which don't allow me to act/react with love. When an argument begins, I walk away. With no audience to feed the drama the effect is often lost. I work on not taking their negative energy personally, which requires continually reminding myself to not play into their drama, which zaps my patience & shortens the time/energy I spend with that person. BUT the time I HAVE spent was loving & supportive.
With my AH this certainly resulted in less time spent together = detaching physically & not just emotionally. When I really felt the detachment for the first time, it was an real AHA! moment..... & it struck me as being so simple that it becomes complicated. Without me feeding into his negative energy he either feeds into it all on his own (I called it the Tazmanian Devil Act) OR he can try to interact with me in a calmer, more rational manner. Either way, I've handed him the power to determine how the interaction proceeds. I'll always be able to choose to walk away.
I think the other posters make a great point about not running interference. I started doing a lot of shoulder shrugging & "I don't know'ing when his behavior got more obvious with others. I simply couldn't continually make excuses for things I just did NOT understand.
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I seem to keep being drawn to your threads...must be something in your posts that speaks to me! Detachment is always a good topic...comes up repeatedly because it is a challenge to put in practice. Just a couple thoughts...sometimes detachment starts by just detaching...the with love or loving part comes with practice. Another suggestion I've heard that helps me is detaching from your own behaviors...allowing yourself to look from the outside in and see how you are behaving and if you need to change. I actually find that detaching from people other than my RAH is easier...my boss is a bit of a narcissist and provides great practice! I'll ask myself - is there anything I can do to change his behaviors/thoughts/feelings? Do I have any responsibility in this situation? If my answers are no...I move on, and continue treating him with kindness & respect.
You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage right away. One of the slogans I've relied on a lot is 'don't just do something - stand there'. I flip flop (in my head) in the same hour about staying with him or divorcing him. I know our marriage, as it was, is over. I have to give him time to work on his recovery before determining whether or not we can rebuild our relationship. What I do know now is that I want to be in a respectful, communicative, honest intimate relationship, should he not be interested in working to that level then I'll know it's time to move on. So, no rush...be gentle.
You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage right away. One of the slogans I've relied on a lot is 'don't just do something - stand there'. I flip flop (in my head) in the same hour about staying with him or divorcing him. I know our marriage, as it was, is over. I have to give him time to work on his recovery before determining whether or not we can rebuild our relationship. What I do know now is that I want to be in a respectful, communicative, honest intimate relationship, should he not be interested in working to that level then I'll know it's time to move on. So, no rush...be gentle.
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Originally Posted by CarryOn
You don't have to make any decisions about your marriage right away. One of the slogans I've relied on a lot is 'don't just do something - stand there'. I flip flop (in my head) in the same hour about staying with him or divorcing him. I know our marriage, as it was, is over. I have to give him time to work on his recovery before determining whether or not we can rebuild our relationship. What I do know now is that I want to be in a respectful, communicative, honest intimate relationship, should he not be interested in working to that level then I'll know it's time to move on. So, no rush...be gentle.
Alanon is NOT where you necessarily go to end your marriage, so don't avoid it for that reason. As a matter of fact, once I began to see the depth and breadth of the effects of my A's addiction on our lives, I wanted nothing more than to divorce him right this second and get him OUT OF MY LIFE. However, the wiser, cooler heads at Alanon advised me to take a year (since I was not in any physical or financial danger) to start my recovery and assess the situation from a much clearer viewpoint. This has been very good advice. I'm using the time to build my own foundation socially, financially and recovery-wise. When the time comes, I will be seeing things so differently than I did when I was full of fresh anger and pain. And you know what? If things still aren't clear enough, I wil do as another poster said and "just stand there" until it is clear enough.
I sat in an Alanon meeting one night where staying or going in a relationship was essentially the topic. I was amazed at the range of responses. One woman told how her sponsor said she shouldn't leave the marriage in the heat of anger and should wait until she was cool and calm about it. This woman said she had never gotten cool and calm about leaving and thus was still married, many years later. For her, apparently the best decision. Another woman told how she took some time to begin her recovery and at some point knew, clearly and completely, that her marriage was done. She said she and her husband never looked back from that point; they both just knew and moved ahead w/a divorce. Many responses in between.
Again, I would strongly urge you to check on Alanon, at least as a starting point. It was what I needed at the time, and it may be for you too.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Yes, yes, yes!! ^ ^ ^ This!
Alanon is NOT where you necessarily go to end your marriage, so don't avoid it for that reason. As a matter of fact, once I began to see the depth and breadth of the effects of my A's addiction on our lives, I wanted nothing more than to divorce him right this second and get him OUT OF MY LIFE. However, the wiser, cooler heads at Alanon advised me to take a year (since I was not in any physical or financial danger) to start my recovery and assess the situation from a much clearer viewpoint. This has been very good advice. I'm using the time to build my own foundation socially, financially and recovery-wise. When the time comes, I will be seeing things so differently than I did when I was full of fresh anger and pain. And you know what? If things still aren't clear enough, I wil do as another poster said and "just stand there" until it is clear enough.
I sat in an Alanon meeting one night where staying or going in a relationship was essentially the topic. I was amazed at the range of responses. One woman told how her sponsor said she shouldn't leave the marriage in the heat of anger and should wait until she was cool and calm about it. This woman said she had never gotten cool and calm about leaving and thus was still married, many years later. For her, apparently the best decision. Another woman told how she took some time to begin her recovery and at some point knew, clearly and completely, that her marriage was done. She said she and her husband never looked back from that point; they both just knew and moved ahead w/a divorce. Many responses in between.
Again, I would strongly urge you to check on Alanon, at least as a starting point. It was what I needed at the time, and it may be for you too.
Alanon is NOT where you necessarily go to end your marriage, so don't avoid it for that reason. As a matter of fact, once I began to see the depth and breadth of the effects of my A's addiction on our lives, I wanted nothing more than to divorce him right this second and get him OUT OF MY LIFE. However, the wiser, cooler heads at Alanon advised me to take a year (since I was not in any physical or financial danger) to start my recovery and assess the situation from a much clearer viewpoint. This has been very good advice. I'm using the time to build my own foundation socially, financially and recovery-wise. When the time comes, I will be seeing things so differently than I did when I was full of fresh anger and pain. And you know what? If things still aren't clear enough, I wil do as another poster said and "just stand there" until it is clear enough.
I sat in an Alanon meeting one night where staying or going in a relationship was essentially the topic. I was amazed at the range of responses. One woman told how her sponsor said she shouldn't leave the marriage in the heat of anger and should wait until she was cool and calm about it. This woman said she had never gotten cool and calm about leaving and thus was still married, many years later. For her, apparently the best decision. Another woman told how she took some time to begin her recovery and at some point knew, clearly and completely, that her marriage was done. She said she and her husband never looked back from that point; they both just knew and moved ahead w/a divorce. Many responses in between.
Again, I would strongly urge you to check on Alanon, at least as a starting point. It was what I needed at the time, and it may be for you too.
Decisions made in anger or an emotionally imbalanced mind and heart are dangerous. Start your recovery and find your balance again and then evaluate the situation.
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Yup,
honeypig is dead on. Detachment allows you to get to that calm place where you can make a rational decision--the right one for the particular moment in time, one that isn't fueled by anger or resentment or panic. I am convinced that it was Al-Anon that allowed me to get to the place where I could leave my second husband--without fear, resentment, or regret. I was sad that it had come to that, but was secure in my mind and my heart that I was doing the right thing, for the right reasons, and that I was going about it in the most compassionate way that I could.
honeypig is dead on. Detachment allows you to get to that calm place where you can make a rational decision--the right one for the particular moment in time, one that isn't fueled by anger or resentment or panic. I am convinced that it was Al-Anon that allowed me to get to the place where I could leave my second husband--without fear, resentment, or regret. I was sad that it had come to that, but was secure in my mind and my heart that I was doing the right thing, for the right reasons, and that I was going about it in the most compassionate way that I could.
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How I learned to detach with love was to not detach my love for the person but detach from the behavior and chaos. Detaching is NOT about with holding your love or compassion it’s about NOT allowing their behavior to affect you emotionally. If a drunk is going to go sit in a garage and drink the day away….detach from it by NOT becoming consumed with what they are doing and go about your own day, shopping, laundry what ever.
Now if the chaos becomes like a house on fire – going off into another room is not going to solve a thing….often if the behavior and chaos is dangerous to our well being then we need to leave that situation, get out of the burning house!
Now if the chaos becomes like a house on fire – going off into another room is not going to solve a thing….often if the behavior and chaos is dangerous to our well being then we need to leave that situation, get out of the burning house!
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
I've seen this term used a lot and I'm not sure of what it exactly means. How can you detach from someone but still be married? Or better yet maintain any semblence of peace?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rting-get.html
Thanks honeypig for sharing this today. I struggled with the very same things when I first came here. Now that I know better and can see those emotional hooks flying at me BEFORE they hook me in the mouth, loving detachment has become almost second nature. Almost!
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
In my humble opinion, this is a perfect example of loving detachment:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rting-get.html
Thanks honeypig for sharing this today. I struggled with the very same things when I first came here. Now that I know better and can see those emotional hooks flying at me BEFORE they hook me in the mouth, loving detachment has become almost second nature. Almost!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rting-get.html
Thanks honeypig for sharing this today. I struggled with the very same things when I first came here. Now that I know better and can see those emotional hooks flying at me BEFORE they hook me in the mouth, loving detachment has become almost second nature. Almost!
For this moment, I feel free as a bird and so, so happy and grateful. Again, thank you all so very much.
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