OT -- Very Frustrated Today

Old 07-02-2013, 11:34 AM
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OT -- Very Frustrated Today

I'm very anxious and frustrated today.

When we got married, AH had two cats and I had two cats. When we got divorced I guess I assumed he would take one if not two of the cats with him. When we separated he went to live with his parents who don't want additional cats there (there already are some), so I sucked it up and absorbed the cost of these pets by myself. Part of this is that I started letting them go outside -- I know! I know! -- but having four large cats in this small house was becoming a serious burden what with the fur, fighting, and food consumption.

Yesterday I got a citation by the police department telling me that my cats were "at large" and I was in violation of city code. I called AH and explained the situation and told him he needed to take 1-2 cats and relieve me of the burden. He was like, "Nope, you do whatever you need to do. Put an ad in Craigslist."

I'm so very frustrated today. I have these cats I apparently can't care for properly, and my AH is dumping the burden on me AGAIN, and additionally I have the burden of choosing to get cited by the city and pay fines or rehome 2-3 geriatric cats that I adopted with every intent of keeping them for their lifetimes.

To top it off! I co-own the house that I live in with my parents. It's a bad arrangement and has been for a long time but I'm not in a position to get out of it at the moment (I have my eyes on a few things after the divorce is over). I've been trying to extricate myself from this for years. My mom is secretive and manipulative by nature and has poor boundaries, and does not respect others' boundaries. It's been a lifetime issue when dealing with her and I have only recently been able to see it and manage my feelings/boundaries about it.

Today I told my mom I needed a copy of the deed and mortgage due to the divorce, and she played really coy, avoiding making a commitment, telling me she would "sell the house [to me] today for $1" and some other weird stuff. Over time I have wondered if she wasn't being honest with me about the financials on this house. It's been a major point of contention, with my mom hiding financial information from me, and forging my name on the deed so they could pay lesser property taxes. She insists this didn't happen and I told her I was excited to see my signature in my hand on the deed. In short, we got into a crazy shouting match on the phone with her telling me I was imagining things (been there, heard that before) and playing a total victim. I went off and told her she wasn't a victim or a martyr, and I didn't know what she was being so elusive about but it was ridiculous and stupid, just get me the papers. She was still combative! I don't understand it. My gut says she's hiding something. It just does. My fear is that she lied to me about what the mortgage payment is and has been overcharging me on "rent".

If this is true, I can rack it up to being yet another weird, manipulative, sabotaging financial thing my mom has pulled on me.

I've been daydreaming about taking my kids and my damn cats and moving to the country, in my own house, no strings attached, no crazy ass people, no bitter neighbors, no psycho parents, and no cold, vindictive alcoholic exes. It's a nice picture. IN MY MIND.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:02 PM
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cats at large. were they chasing the mailman or something?? sorry, that's only funny if you aren't in possession of the citation.

your AH is a complete jackass. just put em on craigslist...everything in his world is DISPOSABLE.

call upon your inner stalker and do some research on the property. here we have the Parcel Viewer where you can find info on a specific parcel by address. also try county records, recorders office - you can find official public records, land records, etc. you'd be amazed what you can find!
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:06 PM
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((((((hugs, florence))))))

I can really feel for you with the cats. I adopted 2 kittens last year. That was all I intended to have. Then 3 months later, my sister asked me if I could foster her daughters 2 cats for a month till she found an apt. Well it never happened. My sister called me after I had the cats for almost 3 months, and told me to get "rid" of them, drop them off at a shelter. Well, I couldn't. I know about all the fur, and cleaning the litter box for 4 cats. Would love to let them go out, but instead I am having my screened in porch fixed, so that they can spend a lot of their time out there. Just know that I know what you are going through.

With your "mom", I have no idea what is up there !!!!! Yes, she may be overcharging you rent, or and I wouldn't even want to think about this. Do you think she could have refinance, with a cash out on it?

Just know that I am thinking of you.

And ---- I live out in the country, in a gated community, so I don't have to let anyone in to see me that I don't want to see. This is what I call "living". It will happen for you one of these days. I can see that in the future for you also.

More (((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:14 PM
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Not to make light of things - but I don't think that "being frustated" is off-topic at all in this forum! It's a daily thing..

Hope you find some peace. Hope anybody finds peace today, because I've lost mine!

C-OH Dad
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:23 PM
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What are your cats doing that they got in trouble with the law? I have two cats and live in a small town but they are outside all day everyday. I live in a neighborhood. There are a lot of neighbors cats who are outdoors as well. When I see them I know where they live. It is not a big deal here I guess. I have had indoor/outdoor cats my whole life.

Regardless that is BS that he is making your responsible. My onion of crazy with the division of things keeps on giving also. I keep waiting for a horse to arrive tied up on my front lawn!

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Old 07-02-2013, 12:26 PM
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Amy, I don't know what this mom stuff is about, but my spidey senses are tingling. The cat part -- I'm a helpless bleeding heart hippie when it comes to cats. If they come calling I can't say no.

Anvil, the "at large" part cracks me up. At first I thought it was a prank! Surely it couldn't be real, but I called the PD and it turns out it is! DS13 and I were cracking up about it last night, accusing them of being "cat burglars" and common criminals.

4MB, I hear you with "onion of crazy." There is just layer after layer after layer after layer after layer...

I just can't believe how cold my ex was about it. I texted his sister to see if she would help "keep them in the family" and heard nothing back. I just... I can't even.

I live in a semi-rural area of the country so I'm thinking of rehoming the two with claws and short hair to be farm cats. My worst nightmare is that I give them away thinking they're going to a good home and something bad happens to them. There are people who get free cats from ads and sell them for testing or other abuses. People can be awful to cats. Farm life ain't easy, but it would be a good life with lots to do and see and wide open spaces to roam. Fingers crossed. That's kind of a last resort if I can't find friends or family for these guys. It breaks my heart that I'm having to pick and choose their circumstances based on the likelihood that they will otherwise live in cages at a shelter or be euthanized.

And at least then it wouldn't be a euphemism to say I sent the cats to live "with a nice family on a farm."

I don't know. I'm just overwhelmed with crazy. Layer after layer!
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:50 PM
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If anyone has any helpful advice on the cat situation, please share. I have four cats, all male, all neutered, all were adult rescues. My DS13 is very partial to one cat and I don't want to separate them. I can keep two cats, MAYBE three, but I'm concerned about the citation from the city and trying to convert indoor/outdoor cats into indoor-only.

I'm a crazy cat lady, but I'm only human.

As far as I know they don't have any maladaptive behavior. The PD confirmed that there was a complaint about the cats "running loose." I absolutely guarantee that others have cats out in the neighborhood and don't know why I'm being singled out!

I don't want to sound like "not my dear ol' Fluffy!" but these guys are all 10+ years old, neutered, and mostly lay around my yard eating grass. I wish this neighbor had knocked on my door instead of creating a crisis.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:56 PM
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That is really frustrating!!

I think I'd be tempted to drop the cats off on ah's door step with a note saying here are your cats and a bag of food.

Deeds are a matter of public record. You can get a copy of that at the county's Register of Deeds. Deed's will show the purchase price of the house and buyer/sellor but not lenders etc. I hope your mom turns that info over without further drama. If not you have to get a title search to show any leans against the house - and those cost money. I don't know how to do them independently.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:06 PM
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I think I'd be tempted to drop the cats off on ah's door step with a note saying here are your cats and a bag of food.
You're the second person that said that. This doesn't feel right for some reason. On the other hand, I feel like this should be his deal, not mine.
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:27 PM
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Credit Report

Hope this may help with some of your issues:
1-go to and review your credit. If your mother put you on any loans against the home it will show up on your credit.
2-Call your county clerk and give the address & she will tell you exactly whose names are on the deed & exactly how it is titled. i.e. tenants in common or rights of survivorship. The $1 she is talking about is usually a "quick deed" to either add or remove a name from the title on the property. It does sound like maybe she is hiding something since she knows about a one dollar sale.
3-Cats-you may have to take them to a local animal shelter if you are unable to find homes for them yourself. Me--my ex A left me with a 1.200 pound Morgan Gelding & no luck finding him a home so unfortunately I will have to put him down on July 11th. It is breaking my heart so try to find a home first on your own--I would hate to see you deal with the grief I am about to experience.
My prayers are with you.
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Old 07-02-2013, 02:22 PM
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Flicka, I don't know where you live, but google horse rescues. They might be able to take him.

Florence, you could see if a cat rescue could take your cat(s) and rehome it. It might be easier if you can provide some money for whoever fosters him/her through the rescue.
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Old 07-02-2013, 03:19 PM
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Oh, man. Right now if I could put a stamp on mine and send them to Timbuktu I would. I've toyed with the idea of finding new homes for them for a while, but I keep dithering between feeling responsible for them and finding them a home where they would get more attention. I keep them out of the bedrooms and office, but that makes me feel like a prisoner in my own house. I have mine because my adult son begged when he was living with me, and then he moved back home to his Dad's house in Colorado, leaving me with two cats I would not have otherwise adopted.

If I could just have the one, it wouldn't be so bad--"my" cat is pretty easygoing and doesn't cause any problems. It's my SON'S cat that drives me batsh!t, climbing all over me, scratching the furniture, and peeing where she shouldn't.

Good luck--hope you come up with a solution.
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