New to this site and recently left husband
 

I'm new to this site and posting for the first time. 3 weeks ago I packed up, took our 2 daughters, and moved out of state to be close to family. My husband was a functional alcoholic for years. Last year the drinking escalated. He drank round the clock, wouldn't know the day/time. It came out that he has cheated for years, kept a hidden cell phone, and hidden laptop for porn. I left due to the verbal abuse of our young daughters and his refusal to give up his latest GF. Now when I talk to him he swears he is sober, going to AA, and done with the GF(I've heard that at least 3 times). I feel horribly guilty for taking the girls away from their dad. Our 9 yr old tries to call him a lot. Sometimes he answers but mostly it is hours or days before he gets back to her. This really depresses her. I've talked to the girls about alcoholism and found some good al-anon groups for myself. I am really struggling with knowing if I made the right decision to leave. He refused to leave. We have the support of extended family but are starting over in terms of school, job, friends, etc. Is it too much to uproot my girls like this or is it worse for them to live in an alcoholic home?

I'm so sorry for what brought you here.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, you are very much doing the right thing. I can't say that strongly enough. The best thing you can do is be healthy emotionally for your children.

I know there is experience here with working with children to practice healthy detachment, and hopefully they can add their input. Alateen is available in the future also.

You were right to leave. You are doing the right thing. It's not the easiest thing, but neither is staying in a marriage and trying to raise children with a drunk.

xx

Definitely think you did the right thing. As for your daughters, check into programs for private counseling, A lot of cities and counties have sliding scale programs to make them affordable options. It's worth looking into.

You were right to leave. Several members here who grew up in alcoholic households have said that its better to have no father than an alcoholic father. My children agree. I left three years ago and it's the best decision I've ever made. I should have done it earlier.

Maybe he's sober and going to AA and maybe he's lying. I don't know what your marriage is like underneath the alcoholism; in my case, it was dead years before I worked up the courage to leave. My AXH got into rehab and got sober when I left. I didn't want to be married to him anymore but I didn't want to prevent the kids from having a relationship with a recovering father. He stayed sober until he had secured shared custody, then he started drinking again and hell ensued.

In retrospect, I wish I had filed for full custody and conditioned his visitations on established sobriety, and custody to be revisited when he had at least 18 months of documented sobriety under his belt.

The kids will be fine. My youngest was eight when we divorced, and the first spontaneous comment she made about the divorce was "it's so strange, I'm not as afraid of everything now as I was when we lived with dad." That was after about three months.

You're doing all the right things. If you can get the kids into therapy, that might help - it's been a lifesaver for my kids.

Thanks. Its not easy to leave but every day I stayed was hell.

Catherine628:
"No girl who plays the role of hero stays with a man who only uses her--she knows who she is!" to quote a friend of mine. You are teaching your daughters a valuable lesson although it will be hard on them. But having one good parent is always much better than 2 that are arguing and where one is addicted. I put up with emotional abuse and covert tactics where he actually wire-tapped the home phone but when the infidelity came out I drew the line in the sand & I believe maybe that's what did it for you also. I know your heart is breaking but hold strong and glad you have family to help you through this.

How wonderful that you were able to be strong and do this for your children. As the adult child of an alcoholic father, I wish my mother had been as brave.

Hope you will stick around at SR and find strength in the community here.

Danae

Catherine, you absolutely did the best and right thing for yourself and your daughters. DO NOT DOUBT YOUR JUDGEMENT ON THIS.

A father who verbally abuses his daughter is destroying her self-esteem and causing her damage that she will carry into adult hood. Why should you feel guilty for removing your children from a damaging environment? You now have the freedom of giving them a happy and peaceful home.

Do not listen to his manipulations--he is likely to continue to put pressure on you and you will need to learn to detach from him. It is good that you have already made contact with alanon--an excellent move.

Please read t he Stickies--the classic articles at the top of this main page--there is a wealth of information contained there.

I am so glad that you found this site. Hang around. You can do this.

dandylion

You did the right thing.
Your children & you deserve better.
This is a healthy choice.

Been great for my daughter.

but Mrs. Hammer keeps trying to manipulate her away from it

OUCH. That stings.

Thank you much, Danae.

Hi Catherine628. You did the right thing, and you know you did. Having doubts in divorce/separation is normal. Any breakup of a marriage, even one with addiction and cheating, is sad and confusing for everyone involved. But give yourself some credit here! You did not 'take' the girls from their father - he bailed on them a long time ago with the choices he made. You are protecting them like you should as a responsible parent. Your girls will be okay because you are an awesome mom and you know it. You have to make sure you stay okay too for their sake.

My husband and I separated 6 weeks ago. He moved out. Our children are 4yrs and 8months. Things get a bit easier every day. Al-Anon has been my rock right now. I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs to you, Catherine. Your girls will have their strength from your model, that is invaluable. Big hugs to you through this transition.