making your feelings known vs. confronting - trying not to control
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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making your feelings known vs. confronting - trying not to control
I admit I'm full of a lot of wishful thinking right now, as I've come to the realization that my gf is an active alcoholic but I was so hopeful about our future. A lot of my dreams for our future seem to have been dashed, or at least on hold, as I attempt to observe the 3 C's.
I went to Alanon for the first time ever last week. And in the pamphlet about relationships it says never have a discussion or confront when your significant other is drunk. Believe it or not, I had been breaking that rule for a while, thinking she'd remember it later. Of course she doesn't. But of course my mind immediately thinks 'well what about when you know they are not drinking anything?'
So instead of 'confronting', I want to make my feelings known about an event that was significant for me, and use 'I' statements rather than attack. This is what happened: She insisted on taking me to a nice dinner. She insisted on handling everything, paying for it, and driving us there. I know she wanted to do something nice for us. I don't know what she did before we met up, but she was drunk before I even got there and yet I couldn't tell. At the end of dinner, she stole a piece of glassware from our table because it had some sauce she 'needed', claiming it was ok because she was a waitress there years ago. On the drive back, I stared at her as she fell alseep at the wheel for a few seconds. And to me that was such an infraction on my life and such a breach of trust. I'm more hurt than angry even though we had no accident. I woke her up and asked her if she was ok and she said she was just concentrating on the road. It was so sad that she actually thought I wouldn't notice.
Trying to take a page from some Alanon shares at my first meeting, the next morning I didn't get mad, but told her 'you know you fell asleep driving back last night?'. And her response was "I need to get better."
I know much worse things have happened to many. This is just the first time she ever put my life in danger. thank you for reading.
I went to Alanon for the first time ever last week. And in the pamphlet about relationships it says never have a discussion or confront when your significant other is drunk. Believe it or not, I had been breaking that rule for a while, thinking she'd remember it later. Of course she doesn't. But of course my mind immediately thinks 'well what about when you know they are not drinking anything?'
So instead of 'confronting', I want to make my feelings known about an event that was significant for me, and use 'I' statements rather than attack. This is what happened: She insisted on taking me to a nice dinner. She insisted on handling everything, paying for it, and driving us there. I know she wanted to do something nice for us. I don't know what she did before we met up, but she was drunk before I even got there and yet I couldn't tell. At the end of dinner, she stole a piece of glassware from our table because it had some sauce she 'needed', claiming it was ok because she was a waitress there years ago. On the drive back, I stared at her as she fell alseep at the wheel for a few seconds. And to me that was such an infraction on my life and such a breach of trust. I'm more hurt than angry even though we had no accident. I woke her up and asked her if she was ok and she said she was just concentrating on the road. It was so sad that she actually thought I wouldn't notice.
Trying to take a page from some Alanon shares at my first meeting, the next morning I didn't get mad, but told her 'you know you fell asleep driving back last night?'. And her response was "I need to get better."
I know much worse things have happened to many. This is just the first time she ever put my life in danger. thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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well....you could say something to the effect of:
when you drink and drive with me in the car, I feel you are putting yourself, me and other innocent people in grave danger. therefore I will not put myself in that position again.
you can't do anything about the fact that she was drunk before the evening started, or that she stole something off the table, or that she was willing to operate a multiple ton moving vehicle while in an impaired state.
you CAN however never get in the car with a drunk driver EVER again. you CAN decide not to participate in activities and events when she has been drinking. you can set clear high boundaries over what you deem acceptable behaviors and what YOU will do to maintain those boundaries.
you are fortunate you have the ability to make such decisions as that falling asleep while driving incident could have been much much worse.
when you drink and drive with me in the car, I feel you are putting yourself, me and other innocent people in grave danger. therefore I will not put myself in that position again.
you can't do anything about the fact that she was drunk before the evening started, or that she stole something off the table, or that she was willing to operate a multiple ton moving vehicle while in an impaired state.
you CAN however never get in the car with a drunk driver EVER again. you CAN decide not to participate in activities and events when she has been drinking. you can set clear high boundaries over what you deem acceptable behaviors and what YOU will do to maintain those boundaries.
you are fortunate you have the ability to make such decisions as that falling asleep while driving incident could have been much much worse.
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Location: Midwest, USA
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you CAN however never get in the car with a drunk driver EVER again. you CAN decide not to participate in activities and events when she has been drinking. you can set clear high boundaries over what you deem acceptable behaviors and what YOU will do to maintain those boundaries.
If someone's drinking makes me uncomfortable, I remove myself from the situation. If they ask my opinion, I'll share it. If they are endangering or menacing others, I let the police know and let them handle it.
Words are easy on both sides. In my experience, the measure of your boundaries and/or lack thereof is how you act to maintain them.
No judgement here. This had a long learning curve for me and still does.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Florence brings up a great point: it isn't really the words you say to her, it's whether or not you stand by those words.
Working on your own boundaries and figuring out how to maintain them is something you could start to do now.
It's something I never really did but seriously wish I had. I didn't have SR back then and was kind of lost in AlAnon. I didn't understand that the boundaries were about ME so I'd have conversation after conversation with him about what I would not tolerate anymore, but of course in a few weeks, I'd be back in the same place refusing to tolerate the same thing I swore I wouldn't tolerate before. And he'd make the same promises over and over that he'd never keep. If that's not insanity, I don't know what is.
I don't think figuring out what you are going to say is wrong. It's just kind of meaningless unless you figure out how to back up those words with behavior.
Hugs!
Working on your own boundaries and figuring out how to maintain them is something you could start to do now.
It's something I never really did but seriously wish I had. I didn't have SR back then and was kind of lost in AlAnon. I didn't understand that the boundaries were about ME so I'd have conversation after conversation with him about what I would not tolerate anymore, but of course in a few weeks, I'd be back in the same place refusing to tolerate the same thing I swore I wouldn't tolerate before. And he'd make the same promises over and over that he'd never keep. If that's not insanity, I don't know what is.
I don't think figuring out what you are going to say is wrong. It's just kind of meaningless unless you figure out how to back up those words with behavior.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Thanks Florence, AnvilheadII and DreamsofSerenity. I'll make my feelings known about this situation. It's over the line. All of my friends want me to break up with her over it. I'm not going to do that, but I will say what Anvil said in as loving a way as I can, and stand by my boundaries. I am actively working on my boundaries and have not been great in some cases. But not being in the car with someone who has been drinking is one that I have enforced all my life, and I'm not about to make an exception for my gf. I already unwittingly let her do it once. never again. thanks for your help and insights.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Blake, you SHOULD be in control of your own safety, in my opinion. Protecting yourself by establishing boundrys is not being "too controlling". I a danger situation--you gotta do what you gotta do.
You are right that there is nothing gained by arguing with someone who is drunk--but that doesn't give them the right to just do anything they want to do.
dandylion
You are right that there is nothing gained by arguing with someone who is drunk--but that doesn't give them the right to just do anything they want to do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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All of my friends want me to break up with her over it.
blake...just something to consider....not that we should do whatever the "collective" says we SHOULD however...if all the other people in our lives who CARE about us express concern over ONE individual who seems to be causing us grief and pain, then perhaps we should at least be open to the potential wisdom. hanging on just to hang on doesn't GET us anything. ignoring the council of loved ones and clinging to the person who not only puts themselves at risk but US as well often has some detrimental outcomes.
blake...just something to consider....not that we should do whatever the "collective" says we SHOULD however...if all the other people in our lives who CARE about us express concern over ONE individual who seems to be causing us grief and pain, then perhaps we should at least be open to the potential wisdom. hanging on just to hang on doesn't GET us anything. ignoring the council of loved ones and clinging to the person who not only puts themselves at risk but US as well often has some detrimental outcomes.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Blake, I'm no expert and just now setting boundaries with by alcoholic boyfriend (or likely ex) now, but I can say I'm completely familiar with what you say about your head spinning. In the weeks before last, when I set a boundary of no contact, I think my standards of what I would accept and enable were so fuzzy, and I was letting things be ok that are so NOT ok. Small thefts like that, and once when my boyfriend said he had fallen asleep at the pool with his two young girls, it hasn't even occurred to him that that wasn't safe. I see now that self-care was of far from my mind, when now I see how much room his actions and behaviors dominated, and I was not as clear and direct as I thought I was being.
You are doing the right thing by seeking support here. I've found so much wisdom from these wonderful and brave people. Hugs to you, setting the boundaries with someone you love is really hard, but once you do you'll see the other way wasn't healthy for either of you.
You are doing the right thing by seeking support here. I've found so much wisdom from these wonderful and brave people. Hugs to you, setting the boundaries with someone you love is really hard, but once you do you'll see the other way wasn't healthy for either of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
All of my friends want me to break up with her over it.
blake...just something to consider....not that we should do whatever the "collective" says we SHOULD however...if all the other people in our lives who CARE about us express concern over ONE individual who seems to be causing us grief and pain, then perhaps we should at least be open to the potential wisdom. hanging on just to hang on doesn't GET us anything. ignoring the council of loved ones and clinging to the person who not only puts themselves at risk but US as well often has some detrimental outcomes.
blake...just something to consider....not that we should do whatever the "collective" says we SHOULD however...if all the other people in our lives who CARE about us express concern over ONE individual who seems to be causing us grief and pain, then perhaps we should at least be open to the potential wisdom. hanging on just to hang on doesn't GET us anything. ignoring the council of loved ones and clinging to the person who not only puts themselves at risk but US as well often has some detrimental outcomes.
When your friends can't get along with your GF, or are suggesting you break it off, they see something you don't see yet, and it comes from a genuine concern not just to mess you up.
A group of good friends who sees a genuine good fit for you with your gf, accepts your GF and says things like "wow I'm so happy for you, wow she is really a keeper, we like her!"
Look at is this way, your friends are reflecting YOU, but from an un-emotional, un-attached state.
This is what alcoholics do...they alienate you from your friends and make you lose perspective. My XAGF once said she hated some of my best friends and wouldn't be anywhere near them or come with me to hang out with them. All over something stupid.
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