interventions?

Old 07-01-2013, 06:04 PM
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interventions?

I was wondering if anyone has tried an intervention and if it seems effective? I have been attending al-anon and seeing a co-dependency counselor for a few months and my counselor suggested an intervention for my boyfriend. I have stayed away from this cause i'm not very familiar with it, but she explained it to me. She told me where to go to get a professional to arrange everything and generally what its about. My boyfriends sister had suggested it a few years ago, but nothing ever came about.
Does anyone have an opinion on interventions? I'm very nervous and unsure about it. He's done rehab a few times and it never sticks and everyone keeps saying you can't make him get help, and isn't an intervention forcing him into help?
Thank you
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:20 PM
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Hi Dragonfly,

I recently started seeing a counselor, who has done work with addicts/alcoholics for two decades plus. She leans toward thinking that an intervention can be helpful and has seen them work. There is a book, Love First, which talks about interventions. It is a Hazelden book, I believe.
Many believe that the addict/alcoholic needs to hit bottom before they stop, if they ever do. The bottom can be losing everything, maybe not, and sometimes, it is unfortunately death. The book talks about perhaps raising the bottom for your loved one, that with loving family and friends iintervening before the loved one suffers irreparable damage, they may agree for treatment. It can't hurt; it may not work, but it is worth a try to some of us.
they can always say no, so it isnt forcing them to do anything. you don't make them go for help. But you do let them know that they are loved and they see how their choices are affecting those who love them.

good luck to you and your boyfriend.
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:27 PM
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I think Chicory explained it pretty well. You DO want to get an experienced professional, and not try to do it yourself. Done incorrectly, an intervention can do more harm than good.

About all that an intervention will do, though, is get someone to agree to go to rehab. I don't know that it increases the chances they will actually stay sober. If he's already "done rehab" a few times, I'm not sure how much good another shot would be unless HE decides he's ready.
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:33 PM
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I am familiar with Intervention process. My family had one for my brother. It is very emotional to say the least. It is pretty much just like the show " intervention"
My family all met with the intervention lady, she explained the process. We all had to write down things my brother had done personally to each of us that hurt us, scared us, anything like that ( no hear say what so ever) Had to be direct experience. Listening to my brothers wife was heart wrenching!
We had family meetings with the intervention lady, we all prepared letters to be read aloud in front of everyone. The day of, my dad tricked my brother and told him they were going to look at a job site but Surprise! He was going to an intervention.
I love my brother, looked up to him a lot.
I watched his every move while this happened. He was squirming in that metal chair. Fidgeting badly. I felt bad for him. Well, he sat there while we went around the room and read our letters aloud and after all was said..... He said " I do not have a problem drinking"
He would not agree to treatment, he did not go, never has gone and still thinks he has no problem.
I was about 14 years old then, now I'm 38 and he is killing himself with the drinking.

I don't know if you watch Intervention on tv, but that is how it plays out.
It's up to your boyfriend. He could say yes and how great that would be for him and all around him. It can not hurt to try.
The intervention ( if he sits through it) will let him know how everyone feels. If your going to set boundaries ( no money giving ... Etc ) this would be an ideal place for everyone to let him know what you all are going to do as a family and stick to it. Also gives the family a voice in coming together to get yourselves help as well.
It is a choice for him in regards if he wants to go to treatment or not. An intervention can not make anyone go to treatment against their will.
That's how it was for my family.... It was offered and he said no. End of story.
Hope this helps.
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:39 PM
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Hello Dragonfly,

Welcome to SR....
I'm glad you found us and are bettering yourself by attending Al-anon meetings and counseling...

I wish I had the answer regarding your question about interventions...
You are correct, that unless the individual wants to change on their own, it's very difficult to convince them otherwise...

As I'm reflecting on your post, I'm thinking that you could try an intervention with a trained professional, but in order to keep your co-dependent side "in-check" I would strongly suggest trying to let go of any particular outcome...

This way you are still helping (but not doing so at your expense...)
After saying what you have to say, the only thing you can do after that is say no more as the rest is up to him...

Although my relationship with my boyfriend ended because of his refusal to accept help, I will never regret taking a stand for him by expressing my concerns about his well-being...

Your post has me wondering if any of the participants who are recovering from Alcoholism have done so due to an intervention?

I'm sure others will respond with some more feedback...
I wish you the very best....

Linda
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:05 PM
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He would not agree to treatment, he did not go, never has gone and still thinks he has no problem.
I was about 14 years old then, now I'm 38 and he is killing himself with the drinking.
Heartsmiles,
I am so sorry to read this, and you were fourteen at the time.
Do you have any kind of relationship with him now?

Usually, when I watched the show "Intervention" the idea was to bring the bottom up
with boundaries, like
"I will not spend time with someone who is drunk."

Please do not answer if you are uncomfortable doing so.
Thank you

Beth
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:09 PM
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dragofly,

I agree with chicory and LexieCat, since he has already done rehab,
I do not see a different outcome from an intervention,
unless it is for you only.
Set some boundaries as I mentioned to heartsmiles.
Of course I have no idea what that would be for you,
but I had to cut contact with my sister because she continues to use drugs.

It is a great loss, and I waver between anger and pain over it,
but I cannot endanger my sobriety over it.
And, being around an active user would be hell for me emotionally.

Beth
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:13 PM
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Thank you for all your responses. I have never seen the tv show, or been involved in an intervention before, so i don't know what to expect really. His parents and sister are all very worried about him and i think would be very willing to participate.
heartsmiles, thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear about your situation. We have two 14 year olds, a 13 year old and a little one and my counselor was not sure if the teens would be able to be involved. We did decide that if they aren't allowed or choose not to participate, they could still write him a letter to know how he affects them and how they feel.
Thank you again everyone,
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:25 PM
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We did decide that if they aren't allowed or choose not to participate, they could still write him a letter to know how he affects them and how they feel.
Thank you again everyone,
I think this would be very very helpful for them, with or without an intervention.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and the rules were,

Don't trust.
Don't feel.
Don't talk.

so, if they could safely express their love, fears and concerns,
I think it would be a great idea.

Of course, discuss this with your counselor first.

I have no idea, because I started drinking as a teenager, but I would hope by
breaking the silent rules of the house, and having it all out there in the open
it would help the kids tremendously.

It costs a great deal emotionally to have a parent that is an alcoholic.
I also have two children that are addicted, one in recovery and one going again this
Friday.
I hope it ends with their generation.

Thank you for reading my story
Beth
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I think this would be very very helpful for them, with or without an intervention.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and the rules were,

Don't trust.
Don't feel.
Don't talk.

so, if they could safely express their love, fears and concerns,
I think it would be a great idea.

Of course, discuss this with your counselor first.

I have no idea, because I started drinking as a teenager, but I would hope by
breaking the silent rules of the house, and having it all out there in the open
it would help the kids tremendously.

It costs a great deal emotionally to have a parent that is an alcoholic.
I also have two children that are addicted, one in recovery and one going again this
Friday.
I hope it ends with their generation.

Thank you for reading my story
Beth
And, thank you, Beth for sharing...
I sure can relate to those rules you mentioned in your post...

-Linda
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Old 07-01-2013, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dragonfly1531 View Post
I was wondering if anyone has tried an intervention and if it seems effective? I have been attending al-anon and seeing a co-dependency counselor for a few months and my counselor suggested an intervention for my boyfriend. I have stayed away from this cause i'm not very familiar with it, but she explained it to me. She told me where to go to get a professional to arrange everything and generally what its about. My boyfriends sister had suggested it a few years ago, but nothing ever came about.
Does anyone have an opinion on interventions? I'm very nervous and unsure about it. He's done rehab a few times and it never sticks and everyone keeps saying you can't make him get help, and isn't an intervention forcing him into help?
Thank you
Hi Drgaonfly,

My experience is with drug addiction and not alcoholism, but I think it is very similar. I don’t think my husband would have entered rehab if I ( and my parents ) had not been proactive with the process, and basically led him into it. I think he would have continued to try on his own, fail, maybe try again later – all while continuing to progress in his disease. We did not do a formal intervention per say, but I had gathered all the information for the rehabs, talked to the doctors and set it all up. All he had to do was say yes. And he did. So far for him it has been successful. He has 14+ months clean and is doing well.

Even if your BF has had multiple rehabs, keep in mind that we are all in a constant state of change. We learn and grow, face new challenges, see things in new ways. Yes, even those with addiction. So what didn’t work at one point, might work down the road. We can never truly know.

I worked with a therapist at his rehab, and she told me this is often how people end up in treatment. Some may be professional interventions, while others are family support, encouragement, or leading them into it. I have no regrets on it. My therapist who was actually a PhD also had me study about CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). It is based on medical science, understanding what is proven effective in treatment of addiction, it is supported by the National Institute of Drug Abuse, and many professionals advocate this program now. I used it to learn techniques to support my husbands recovery, while also making sure to take care of myself ( & my son).

Talking about tv addiction shows. HBO partnered with National Institute of Drug Abuse to create the show: Addiction. HBO has a great website and they talk about CRAFT if you are interested (or maybe share with BF family). The thing about this process is that it has an approximate 70% success rate at getting people into treatment. Doesn’t happen quickly all the time, can take up to a year, but it is proven to work if done right. The link below also references a book that can help you learn the techniques; this is one of the books my therapist had me read, and I found it quite helpful: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe

HBO: Addiction: Treatment: Getting Someone into Treatment

Good luck to all of you.
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Heartsmiles,
I am so sorry to read this, and you were fourteen at the time.
Do you have any kind of relationship with him now?

Usually, when I watched the show "Intervention" the idea was to bring the bottom up
with boundaries, like
"I will not spend time with someone who is drunk."

Please do not answer if you are uncomfortable doing so.
Thank you

Beth
Beth,
My brother started drinking in his early teens. Watching him made me so very sad. There were always police coming to our house looking for him...it was just a nightmare for a young person. Because of watching that, I have never had so much as a sip of any type of alcohol. My addiction is pills which I feel is ironic.
I would love to have a relationship with my brother. He is very sad and out of touch with everything. It is very hard to have a meaningful conversation.
He does this thing I call " drunk dialing " when he only calls me really late ( 2-4 am ) when he's so drunk he doesn't make any sense, and wants to argue or debate. When I call him during hours I think he is less likely to be drunk, he doesn't want anything to do with me.
I recall the intervention like it was yesterday. I can still see the pain on everybody's face and shock at what was being said from each family members experiences with him while he was drunk.
You are correct, The point is to make them hit a bottom, cut them off, stop enabling and cut ties so they have no one or nothing. My brothers wife did not stick to the consequences and Im not blaming her.. love is funny that way. Sometimes love is blind and hope for them reaches beyond "tough love" even for a wife.
During the intervention was the only time I had EVER seen my fathers eyes swell with tears. My brother dismissed us and our pain. The addiction was and still is far greater then anyone or anything in his life. He will die soon, this I know.
He has drank whiskey for all these years as it is his confidant, his courage, his friend, his love, his life and soon to be his death.
I think how deep his pain runs. The extent he goes to, to avoid it.
I love him but as many of us know and have found out the hard way, we/they can only help themselves/ourselves.
I ended up being in a relationship for 15 years with an alcoholic. Abusive as they come..I am surprised I made it out alive. I tried to "fix" him too.... It just can not be done.
They have to want it.
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:56 PM
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Dunno. I could not do that to Mrs. Hammer. I respect(ed?) her too much to try to control or direct her.

Her AA sponsor wanted me to do a full blown hootenanny intervention, and my (Alanon) sponsor said that he thought it was good idea but to me it felt VERY WRONG (just saying for me/us) and instead I cautioned Mrs. Hammer that trouble was coming her way, and she would probably need to go to rehab.

Her sponsor threatened to "fire" her, and Mrs. Hammer went running around to any/everyone who may listen trying to explain that she did not need rehab. However everyone laughed, and said OF COURSE YOU NEED TO GO. NOW.

Made her so crazy she went into hyper-exercise, and near starvation. Finally she broke down and was begging to go. Even went earlier than I had planned.

She was down near 90 pounds at check in -- any less and they would have hospitalized her instead.

But rehab broke the Eating Disorder. She has been a total mess emotionally and behavior-wise since, but no relapse on the Eating Disorder, and I am told that is a Miracle, in itself. So Praise God, where there is Praise to Be Given.
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Old 07-01-2013, 09:56 PM
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Regarding the age of a youngster participating in an intervention, I think it is a good safe way to get those emotions out and knowing you are not the only one thinking, feeling or seeing it.
For me, It was being a part of something that I was already a part of. I believe I would have been upset being left out and unheard. Kids want to be heard too.
It can get very ugly so I believe a controlled intervention with a specialist would be best if children are to attend.
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Old 07-02-2013, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Dunno. I could not do that to Mrs. Hammer. I respect(ed?) her too much to try to control or direct her.

Her AA sponsor wanted me to do a full blown hootenanny intervention, and my (Alanon) sponsor said that he thought it was good idea but to me it felt VERY WRONG (just saying for me/us) and instead I cautioned Mrs. Hammer that trouble was coming her way, and she would probably need to go to rehab.

Her sponsor threatened to "fire" her, and Mrs. Hammer went running around to any/everyone who may listen trying to explain that she did not need rehab. However everyone laughed, and said OF COURSE YOU NEED TO GO. NOW.

Made her so crazy she went into hyper-exercise, and near starvation. Finally she broke down and was begging to go. Even went earlier than I had planned.

She was down near 90 pounds at check in -- any less and they would have hospitalized her instead.

But rehab broke the Eating Disorder. She has been a total mess emotionally and behavior-wise since, but no relapse on the Eating Disorder, and I am told that is a Miracle, in itself. So Praise God, where there is Praise to Be Given.
So evidently Mr. Hammer, although the intervention did not hypothetically take place, the thought of it in Mrs. Hammers mind ultimately did send her to where she needed to be and saved her life. The thought of trouble coming her way sent her into a frenzy of trying to convince people she didn't have a problem, which she obviously knew she did, or she wouldn't have tried to convince peeps otherwise.
I am very happy for your wife, her family, friends and her hubby ( you)

I do disagree though about it having anything to do with lack of respect, to much respect, control or controlled direction for the loved one, but rather a great concern regarding life and death.
I believe interventions are brought about out of love to try to not only help them but support them by offering options. Options not readily available or thought of to most addicts. Interventions offer guidance, information, compassion and a lot of love. I view as an effort, a big effort to save a beloved family member or friend who is on a downward spiral that could end in a life of broken hearts, broken dreams, misery, despair, depression and to often, death.
Just my opinion.

I do hope your wife gets that emotional help she needs and deserves. It is heartbreaking living in that heightened state of suffering and stress.
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Old 07-02-2013, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Heartsmiles View Post
So evidently Mr. Hammer, although the intervention did not hypothetically take place, the thought of it in Mrs. Hammers mind ultimately did send her to where she needed to be and saved her life.
Sure. The whole thing was a fall-out of a Step 11 thing I was working.

Longer story, but her sponsor completely freaked on her when she figured out that Mrs. Hammer had been lying to her.

The thought of trouble coming her way sent her into a frenzy of trying to ;convince people she didn't have a problem, which she obviously knew she did, or she wouldn't have tried to convince peeps otherwise.
Yep. All addicts lie. First they lie about the addiction, then they lie to cover the addiction. Finally the Knight of Mirrors (like in Don Quixote, Man of La Mancha) takes them down.

I am very happy for your wife, her family, friends and her hubby ( you)
Not so quick there.

The rehab site totally botched the mental illness part. The rehab site was very incompetent. She is whacked now. Basically they took away her coping mechanism (the Eating Disorder) and put nothing in its place to deal with the mental illness behind it.

On the track things are on, we are likely to split up, and the kids fear and avoid her. Only one in the family who will have much to do with her is her mom who is a raging codependent, who does more harm than good.


I do disagree though about it having anything to do with lack of respect, to much respect, control or controlled direction for the loved one, but rather a great concern regarding life and death.
I believe interventions are brought about out of love to try to not only help them but support them by offering options. Options not readily available or thought of to most addicts. Interventions offer guidance, information, compassion and a lot of love. I view as an effort, a big effort to save a beloved family member or friend who is on a downward spiral that could end in a life of broken hearts, broken dreams, misery, despair, depression and to often, death.
Just my opinion.
Understood. On the opinion part. Not saying that for any or many or most it is not a great thing. Dunno, and all outside my scope. I am just saying that for us, there would have been more fight in that than healing. She has a terrible case of Texas-sized pride. In our case she had to beat herself down.

I do hope your wife gets that emotionail help she needs and deserves. It is heartbreaking living in that heightened state of suffering and stress.
It is a serious mental health issue, and she has the knowledge and skills to get help, but will not. (MS in Social Work, works in rehab, herself).

She is sort of caught in a lying trap. Lies to her sponsor. Lies to the kids. Lies to her mom. Lies to the therapists. On and on. Was lying to me, but I quit taking the crap.

Chapter 5 of the Big Book says Rigorous Honesty is required. Dunno. Good Luck to her on that.

In the end her stuff is between her and God. May she find Him now. Not Mr. Hammer's (me) problem. I have three kids to look out for, and none of them are named Mrs. Hammer.
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Old 07-02-2013, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Sure. The whole thing was a fall-out of a Step 11 thing I was working.

Longer story, but her sponsor completely freaked on her when she figured out that Mrs. Hammer had been lying to her.



Yep. All addicts lie. First they lie about the addiction, then they lie to cover the addiction. Finally the Knight of Mirrors (like in Don Quixote, Man of La Mancha) takes them down.



Not so quick there.

The rehab site totally botched the mental illness part. The rehab site was very incompetent. She is whacked now. Basically they took away her coping mechanism (the Eating Disorder) and put nothing in its place to deal with the mental illness behind it.

On the track things are on, we are likely to split up, and the kids fear and avoid her. Only one in the family who will have much to do with her is her mom who is a raging codependent, who does more harm than good.



Understood. On the opinion part. Not saying that for any or many or most it is not a great thing. Dunno, and all outside my scope. I am just saying that for us, there would have been more fight in that than healing. She has a terrible case of Texas-sized pride. In our case she had to beat herself down.



It is a serious mental health issue, and she has the knowledge and skills to get help, but will not. (MS in Social Work, works in rehab, herself).

She is sort of caught in a lying trap. Lies to her sponsor. Lies to the kids. Lies to her mom. Lies to the therapists. On and on. Was lying to me, but I quit taking the crap.

Chapter 5 of the Big Book says Rigorous Honesty is required. Dunno. Good Luck to her on that.

In the end her stuff is between her and God. May she find Him now. Not Mr. Hammer's (me) problem. I have three kids to look out for, and none of them are named Mrs. Hammer.
Mr. Hammer, very well said!
Honestly, I know nothing about the steps. I should, in fact, SO .. I just googled Chapter 5, How It Works. I see now and I know now, I should, and I will read the whole book.. Why had I never thought of that before?
I admire you, for you are extrodanary.
I think most people who are dealing with a disruption such as you are, forget about the children. You are selfless and God speed my friend in breaking the cycle. I perceive you will.
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Old 07-02-2013, 07:24 AM
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I feel like interventions are as much for the family as they are for the addict. It's a chance for the family to say, "We see a problem. We are complicit in the problem. We don't want to do this anymore."

Whether that has any effect on the addict? YMMV.

There were several "interventions" for my STBXAH trying to corral him into rehab. He wasn't ready and it started a pattern of roller coaster expectations and failures, and him lying about his "recovery" while he was just learning to drink more covertly. All of us friends and family at home were all over him looking for signs of real recovery. It got weird there for a long while.

Doing it ourselves was a mistake too. There was one in particular with me and his parents, where his dad wanted to control the whole outcome of the intervention. His idea was that if he could just "get" AH to "tell the truth" that everything would... I don't know what. But that's their pattern: FIL wants the truth, AH tells as much truth as won't upset the apple cart or endanger his enabler situation, and everything goes back to head-in-the-sand-normal.

It's exhausting.

Anyway, this particular time we confronted AH about his drinking, he denied he was drinking at all, and my FIL was like, "Okay then! Never mind!" I'm pretty sure he was drunk AT THAT MOMENT.

I was gobsmacked.

What I'm getting at is that we have our patterns too, and it's difficult to operate outside of those patterns without outside help. Even then, whether the addict gets the message and turns it into lifetime recovery is another thing. I think it's better to measure our commitment to change, to being on the same page and not sabotaging ourselves or the addict, and our exhaustion with enabling the addiction when it comes to approaching intervention.

If I could do it all over, that's how I would approach it.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:46 PM
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I recently did a semi quasi "intervention" with my ADH at the request of my codependency therapist. She thought it would be a great idea and just what my ADH needed. Well......It didn't work. He denied the problem, deflected it onto me that I have a spending problem, refused to go to inpatient detox or AA, threw away the numbers i gave him, told me "he will work on it on his own" "he will cut down. I'll see. watch him". He has cut down some but still hides it and is still actively drinking on a regular basis though not to the point of intoxication. However I know its only a matter of time until he does again. So moral of the story is, sometimes interventions can work if the person is truly ready to change, if not don't be surprised if it backfires.

You really cant "change" someones drinking if they don't want to change it for themselves. You can try the intervention if you think it may help. Keep working on you and the things you can change.
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Old 07-03-2013, 04:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Heartsmiles View Post
Mr. Hammer, very well said!
Honestly, I know nothing about the steps. I should, in fact, SO .. I just googled Chapter 5, How It Works. I see now and I know now, I should, and I will read the whole book.. Why had I never thought of that before?
I admire you, for you are extrodanary.
I think most people who are dealing with a disruption such as you are, forget about the children. You are selfless and God speed my friend in breaking the cycle. I perceive you will.
Thank you for the kind words, and actually helping me think through our situation. Have learned a fair amount from going to an *Open* AA meeting that happens at the same building and time as my daughter's Sunday Alateen meeting. I drop her off at Alateen and then I go next door to the AA meeting.

I would STRONGLY recommend for the folks here to catch some Open AA meetings. Open means that you do not have to be an acknowledged Alcoholic to be there. Closed meetings are Alcoholics Only. The meeting I catch is a New-Comer meeting. Has some great Old Timers and folks just off the streets. Real educational and Real eye-opener.

The kids are what it is all about for me. Suppose it/they will be my next Co-dependency. Joking but maybe not. Guess that should give me a little compassion or empathy for Mrs. Hammer's codie mom.
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