Giles

My wife recently relapsed. She told me after it initially happened and we've discussed it once or twice since then. She's in the "I'm a failure, so why bother starting over" phase, so she hasn't done anything to get back on track... I try to go about my days and not think about it because then I'm letting it control me. But, today I stumbled across beer bottles in the garbage. Do I bring it up or just accept it, move on, and hope for her to find her way back? Thanks!

LexieCat

Sorry to hear this. Is she in AA or any other program? Doing it on your own is pretty daunting, to say the least.

I don't see much point in having a conversation about the bottles in the trash. You already know she has relapsed, you've talked about it, and this is simply another aspect of what you already know.

What's YOUR bottom line if she continues to drink? Have you continued to go to Al-Anon?

wicked

Hello Giles,

I understand you do not want her relapse to control you, but I wonder if you have
a program of recovery?

When my ex husband relapsed 2 weeks after we both went to treatment, I was not
surprised but very disappointed and sad. He tried for a long time to get me to "change back" (go back to drinking and the way things were before treatment).

How are you taking care of you? I am sorry that she relapsed after 8 months.

Beth

Giles

She originally went to rehab, did intensive outpatient, and was going to AA. As time went by she went less and less until stopping altogether.

I could never find a "fit" at Al-Anon... Never found more than 2-3 men in the meetings and at the time my wife was "sober" so it didn't click.

As far as a bottom line goes, I don't see one. I read about people leaving or asking their spouse to leave but I also imagine that is when one partner isn't contributing. We both have good jobs and support the household, so it wouldn't be fair for either to have to leave...

Giles

Nothing other than the materials I have read and the information from the family portion of her rehab program. (See above regarding my Al-Anon experience.)

wicked

I do understand how it is to be the "only" or one of a few at a chemical dependency
group I attended at the VA hospital for several months, but we all had military service
in common. (and of course a dependency on a substance )

Have you ever considered starting your own group of men only?
Just a suggestion, and you could get some guys there who do not go to Al Anon
for the same reason.
It could certainly keep your focus off of her relapse and on your recovery.

I know I loved to go to women only AA meetings. They had a completely different
comfort level than a mixed group.

Beth

LexieCat

Weelll, that's not necessarily so. Living with an alcoholic, regardless of material "support" can be chaotic and draining. Do you have kids? Growing up with an alcoholic parent in the home can be devastating for kids. I'm not suggesting you have to leave. But these are factors you should be considering. Alcoholism is progressive, so unless she does get "back on track" she may be "contributing" less and less to your home, and becoming more and more of a liability.

ZenMe

It may be because the relapse is too fresh, however she will stop contributing just as Lexie said. She may also be able to keep a job but this isn't a true indicator that things are well. Other areas of her life, and your life will start to suffer.

CarryOn

You probably need to think about this a good bit more...what are YOU willing to live with? A functional A is still an A. How do you want to live YOUR life?

Leaving or asking your A to leave is about the quality of life. I kicked my RAH out partly because I wanted to protect our assets (and hoping he would recognize the life he stood to lose if he continued drinking)...all the things we have worked so hard for for so long. I didn't want to wait until he got a DUI and I'm scrambling for the umbrella coverage to protect us, or he lost his job and we couldn't figure out how to pay the bills. He may continue to be able to contribute, but I don't have to wait until he reaches his bottom to reach my bottom. I value the quality of my life too much. The trust may be gone, the love may be in question, but I shouldn't have to sacrifice my quality of life for his stupid decisions. Not to mention all the things Lexie already brought up.

Common theme of the responses: you work on you and allow your wife to work on herself. You need to be your first priority (and your kids, if you have them).