Purply

My sister is lovely, caring, lots of friends, attentive mother. Her husband is lovely, kind and sane person. They have 3 kids under 6.
But my sister drinks vodka secretly. Her husband keeps finding bottles; she can't keep off it despite promises, threats and a recent counselling programme. I think she is a "functional alcoholic": life, house, kids are ordered; all seems happy; drunken stupors or hangovers are rare. But her breath smells and v.close people such as her husband or myself can see the signs in her behaviour. I think she is topped up most of the time, and has been for several years.

I have been to an Al-Anon-type group myself for a while to try to understand things better; I have good relationship with her husband, who confides in me. But he won't go to a group. He loves her and pities her & is trying to help her. I can see now she is not going to stop anytime soon.
I think things will just go on like this (with him alternately making threats & trying to help her) until some mistake happens, possibly an accident (though not hugely likely at the moment I think), or a concerned friend reporting her to social services.

I feel helpless that I can do nothing to prevent her hard-won happiness crumbling away and her 3 kids' happy, innocent existence eventually rupturing. My parents don't know what to do, nor does my brother, nor does her husband. Are there special things we should be saying to her; certain actions we should be taking towards her?

Her drinking is so hidden that it does not create the disasters that might trigger other alcoholics to take action in their lives. Has anyone had similar experiences? Many thanks

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. This is a wonderful resource of support.

At the top of this main page, there are a list of threads (approx 15). We refer to those as the Sticky Posts. Some of our stories are in those threads. I often find strength and support when I read in the Stickies.

Here is one of my favorite Sticky Posts. I followed these steps when I was trying to help my alcoholic loved one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

DreamsofSerenity

I am very sorry to hear about this.. It is so tragic when there are children involved.

I think all of you should get into Al Anon as soon as possible. Right now that is unfortunately all you can really do.

Chances are, the situation with your sister won't stay functional. If or when it does get worse, you guys all need to be strong and healthy enough to let her fall. There are so many ways we enable alcoholics without knowing we are doing it.

Keep reading and posting.

wicked

Purply,

I am so glad you are here, and that you attend AlAnon.
Keep coming back here and reading.
what is heartbreaking is, alcoholism is progressive.
It gets worse, not better.
If she has been topped off for several years, it will happen sooner rather than later.
I am sad for the children too.

You will learn so much here.
I am happy you found us, but sad for the reason.

Beth

Purply

Thanks very much for your words of support. I have read a lot of the material you directed me to. My main worry is that my sister's husband, whom we all get on well with, is convinced that my sister has an underlying problem related to poor self esteem and depression, and that tackling this will cure the drinking. However, there have been just been too many incidents to count of her being simply unable to stop drinking. While I can accept that these issues may have paved the way to alcoholism, I think it is a beast in its own right now. I think he does not really accept that she is an alcoholic. I have to be careful I don't alienate him with what I say, as I think that he is the key to the way forward.
I have a question, relating to what I can do? Am I "enabling" by continuing any sort of positive relationship with her? Sometimes I wonder whether any interaction we have that is "normal" is just papering over the very abnormal reality underneath. On the other hand, she needs support with those 3 small kids of hers and regularly phones up to let off steam or tell me about what they are up to.
Thank you

LexieCat

You are very right that the alcoholism is a "beast in its own right". Virtually all alcoholics have poor self esteem and depression. Often recovery "cures" both. When it does not, then the other issues can be treated effectively, but not until the alcohol is removed as a factor. Alcohol is a depressant, and drinking all the time doesn't do a thing for one's self-esteem. On some level, she knows she is using it to cope and that isn't anything to feel good about.

My own life looked pretty good on the outside--terrific career, house, car, no arrests or DUIs, but holding it together was exhausting and I was getting more and more scared and depressed as my drinking progressed.

First things first is to get rid of the booze, then the other stuff can be addressed if necessary.

And no, you aren't enabling her unless you are cleaning up her messes for her or otherwise making it easy for her to keep drinking. If dealing with her isn't affecting your life adversely, there is no reason for you not to maintain your positive relationship with her.

sistertrouble

This sounds exactly like my sister a few years ago. I just waited for the 'fall' because I knew there was nothing I could do to help. It is difficult, heart-wrenching and sometimes (in my case sister is allegedly not drinking again) does NOT get any better with time.

Keep reading here. It really does help.