Aeryn

I'm asking because I'm at a different place now than I was when I started Alanon a year ago and I feel differently when I'm at meetings and about various things people say.

The last meeting I went to had someone say something to this effect "My disease of Alanon/codependency is forever and when I stop going to meetings I stop recovering and the disease returns". I guess I just don't believe this - I don't believe I have a disease (not even close) and I definitely don't believe it is forever. I believe a set of circumstances (from childhood onwards) got me into an emotionally unhealthy place which led me to some unhealthy choices and actions (in particular relationships). I feel I'm slowly working my way out of that place - and I do think there is an out of that place. I see it as something that happens when we are unhealthy that once healthy we can move forward from - I don't see it as forever. So I guess I'm starting to feel Alanon was a raft for me when I was in a dire place - when I first went I was in a relationship I wanted out of with my AH that I was terrified to leave. Alanon gave me what I needed.

But what I feel I need now is not to be defined by having been married to an A, or by my A family...I don't know...perhaps I'm not making sense. I am also seeing things in meetings I fundamentally disagree with - especially some of the stand my your man things I hear...I mean there are some great tools and I use them....I just don't see needing to be in it forever.

What does everyone think? Am I way off base? I guess I sort of feeling that a time is coming in the near future when I won't need to be holding on to the life raft so tightly...I feel eventually I want to swim.

EDIT: I'm mainly asking people who no longer have active A's in their lives this question....so my AH is a STBX and my A from my FOO passed away many years ago.

LifeRecovery

This has come up a bit recently.

I feel like for me the point of recovery is to get to a place where I don't need quite so much of it.....that will be success for me. When recovery behaviors are inate, and more habit then something I have to sometimes twist my arm to do for myself.

I do think though that I will need some regular check ins for the rest of my life....that might be therapy, Al-Anon, other 12 step meetings etc. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I know I am already doing less then I was in the midst of the divorce, leaving etc. I am thinking 1-2 times a month.

Balance has been a big struggle for me, and right now meetings, therapy etc is time for me that I committ to and don't break. I think when that skill is a little better integrated for me I will be better able to judge what I need. I did a lot more with therapy before my hubby, and am kind of doing that now too.

LexieCat

I think, for me, the 12 Steps are something I will apply, and use, the rest of my life. Since the only alcoholic currently in my life has been sober 33 years (and I no longer live with him), my main recovery "base" is AA--which I probably will stick with for the rest of my life. If I weren't in AA myself, but was still living with an alcoholic in AA, I might stay connected to Al-Anon just for the commonality of interest--the Fellowship aspect of it, as well as a way to help others.

I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong answer to this. To thine own self be true. There is something to be said for helping others who come in as messed up as we once were. But I think recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism is somewhat different from recovering from alcoholism itself. If I get lax about living by Al-Anon principles, I might find myself being unhappy and difficult to live with. If I get lax about living by AA principles (the same principles, different disease/condition), I might die. Big difference.

Al-Anon is always there if you need it (which might be an argument for sticking around--to make sure it always is).

Aeryn

Thanks for the great comments!

I guess for me I feel I'm more trying to find my true inner self and am on a journey of self discovery in my recovery. I feel like part of it is trying to find out what I connect with in life and where and whom I connect with...and I'm just not sure if Alanon meetings for life is where I see me....I'm not even sure I can explain it. It just doesn't feel like my path to be there for life...and I don't think not going will necessarily lead to me being unhappy or difficult to live with as long as I continue my personal journey of self. I don't know - it could just be a plateau I've reached or it could be a signal for me to take the next step...I guess I feel like this recovery thing is a journey I should keep moving forward on and I feel like at some point I will surpass the meeting stage of my journey. I kind of feel like if I don't eventually move forward and let go of the various rafts (and they were GREAT rafts) I've found along the way I'll get stuck.

Also I believe though we all have the commonality of finding ourselves in unhealthy relationships and unhealthy living patterns I'm not sure the reasons we got there are the same nor I am I sure the way out is the same.

lillamy

I see the principles as useful for life. I don't necessarily see myself going to meetings for life. But I see myself revisiting the program over and over. To me, it's a bit like working out - you can run the same five miles next year that you run today, and it will give you something new...

I do see the program as a way to "fix" things that are broken in me (control behaviors, Atlas Complex, etc) and while I always hope to fix things well on the first attempt, I think revisiting the fixes to see if they need maintenance is a lifelong thing for me.

DMC

I think it's a little different for everyone.
I was blessed with a relatively normal home life, and didn't grow up with any alcoholics. My XAH was my high school sweetheart, and hadn't ever had alcohol when we started dating. So I was pretty lucky in that regard.

The maladaptive behaviors I adopted, I honestly believe must be some sort of innate coping mechanism, because so many of us do the same things. I needed al-anon to stabilize my proverbial raft, but once I had the tools and left my XAH, I find that it's not something I consciously rely on that much.

Now, in the same breath, I recommend it to others, and it is only through a lot of al-anon meetings, therapy and reading here that I was able to carry on a calm, rather detached conversation with my XAH the other day...Which was actually healing for both of us, since it's clear that he's finally gotten sober, and brought up step 9 on his own. I had pretty much given up expecting it. He apologized. I mean, a really "I totally screwed up and will never forgive myself for destroying what we had" apology. And I forgave him. Sort of a big deal, considering I hadn't spoken to him in the nearly 3 years since our divorce was final. And I wish him well and am at peace with it.

So do I still need it? I don't go to meetings anymore, haven't cracked Courage to Change or One Day in ages, I'm in a great relationship with a great guy who I can share a bottle of wine with at dinner and stop there, but I have the tools if I need them. And I pray that I don't.

Hammer

Dunno. And at this point I am not too concerned.

Just trying to be the Best Hammer-Dad I can, and Alanon is a part of that. Reading the 12 and 12 with my daughter on our vacation trip.

Used to want to not be there, but loved the people and what they taught me. Kind of goofy, that I loved my first group so much when we moved I did not want to go to another because I felt like it was somehow disloyal to my old group. Even when folks would ask me, I would sort of shrug it off. Ashamed of that now. Finally we went back into crisis and I dragged into the new local meeting like a total relapse. But I needed the humbling, anyway. All things work together for good, huh? Now I tend to be really good with newbies, and helping folks feel good and secure, and go to a couple of different groups with traveling.

Like lillamy mentioned -- The Principles -- Practicing Them In All Our Affairs. My God. Really, My God. THAT part has truly changed my life so much for the better.

Aeryn

Thanks for this - it sort of echos my thoughts and feelings. In the beginning I really needed that raft (I clung to it for dear life) and I'm still using it some....I just feel very close to ready to at least start treading water at times without the raft.... I'm not quite there yet I just feel my next step forward into my new life is coming soon (I so love the idea that I don't know what's next and it's all up to me to explore what I enjoy). I feel who I am needs to move forward and this is just a rest stop on my journey.

I haven't had an alcoholic (of any kind - active or recovering) in my life for over a year now (last year we separated into different residences) - and now I'm making it legally official and moving into my own place with only my name on it so I just think it's time for me to do the next thing, whatever that may be. My main tool of recovery was (and still is) always therapy with Alanon as the secondary raft, so maybe this is just another lesson in letting go and accepting change for me and listening to my inner voice/self rather than what I feel I'm being told I "should" do.

Yes this. Now I'm not in a relationship but for once I'm happy not being in one (not only that I'm not even thinking about having one) - that in and of itself is a signal to me that I'm leaving my maladaptive thoughts and behaviors behind. The tools I feel are permanent tools it's just up to me to recognize when I need to bring them out - and pray I don't have to.


I'm so glad I'm not alone with these thoughts and that this varies by individual - my meeting skews to the other side and I was questioning myself just a wee bit even though I knew in my heart my feelings were my true self and the ones to follow.

DesertEyes

Hello Aeryn, and pleased to "meet" you

I did the al-anon thing _intensly_ for a couple years. I had just left my pill-addicted wife, lost my buisness, diagnosed with a terminal disease, and had to move to a different town for work. My life was a disaster. I needed the "life raft" because I was sinking fast.

Whadya know, like others have mentioned, al-anon showed me that I have some really mal-adaptive reflexes in me. Working the steps, a good sponsor, good meetings, etc. etc. , and I got my life back on track. I went "swimming", just like you mention, but with a little too much self-confidence and without a "Plan B", as they say over here in meetings.

Next thing I know I am in love with a food addict and sinking fast. But I knew how to handle it, I had been to al-anon don't you know? Oh boy.

This time I got back on the "life raft" _before_ I made another train wreck out of my life.

Today I use al-anon like a "tune up", or maybe like taking "vitamins". I go to be reminded that I am human and I make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are poor decisions, usually involving relationships and what my needs are in terms of love, companionship and understanding. Participating in al-anon reminds me of what my weaknesses are, and how to keep myself healthy and strong in those areas where I simply cannot "see" where my emotions are guiding me.

When I started al-anon I went to a meeting every day. I read _every_ book, cried at half the meetings and swore I would never get in another relationship. Today I average 2 meetings a month, sometimes three. I get there early to help set up, stay late to clean up. I pass the tissues when others cry, I get asked to speak here and there, or help with the yearly convention. I go out for coffee after the meeting with friends I met when I first started.

It was definetly a life raft for me, not that long ago. Now it's more like a comfortable "canoe" that helps me glide around the swamps and alligators of life. I _like_ the friends I have made in the program, and I _like_ being able to contribute to keeping the meetings functional and welcoming. I have even done some dating. Imagine that.

Okay, so my dating has not been particularly succesful. I still have that broken "picker" and it's not working quite like it should. I just keep taking it to the "al-anon mechanics" and little by little it's getting better.

The lessons I learned about _me_ in al-anon I will keep forever. Maybe some day I will be recovered and not need any al-anon at all. The thing is, sitting in a meeting and watching people whose lives have been destroyed slowly learn to smile again, slowly find their self-worth and happiness, and one day introducing me to their new partner ( who is completely healthy, non-addicted, and simply nice ) gives me such a charge of hope and faith... I don't think I will ever stop going to meetings. In a world that is so cruel and brutal al-anon is where I see people at their best.

Mike

m1k3

Great question. I am at the point where Al-Anon meetings aren't really providing me much of anything anymore and I have stopped attending. As part of my Al-Anon recovery I began to meditate and started to get into Buddhism.

While I no longer feel the need to attend meetings I am continuing with my meditation practice and my Buddhism. It gives me the grounding I need with a 100% focus on me. I too am at a point where I don't want to be defined by the alcoholics in my life.

Over the past couple of months I have felt some serious changes come over me, changes for the good.

So yes, Al-Anon was a raft. It's kind of funny because Buddhist teachings are referred to as Dharma. In one teaching Buddha likens the Dharma as a raft to get you to the other side. Once there you don't need to strap the raft to your back and carry it with you.

I always felt there was a strong connection between Buddhist teachings and a recovery program. Not that I could discuss it in meetings without having other members speak to me about how there is no religion in Al-Anon. Which is particularly funny because I follow a Secular Buddhist path.

Your friend,

transformyself

Oh how i love Desert Eyes! Thank you for your service

I see the meetings as tune up like Desert Eyes, but come here often and lurk. Sometimes I post. I didn't for a good year I think, but rather was able to read the stories and solutions from others and makes shifts in my life.

when I came to the program I was desperate and soaked up the info quickly, then changes started happening as I applied them. Mostly now, I detach regularly from AH and work to move out and have a better life. It's exciting, but challenging at the same time.

I'm sure I'll still go to meetings and come here after I leave him, but it won't be on a daily basis. I"m feeling like at some point, the need for constant reminders and support wanes, as we get further along in our recovery. We do return to the living- although for me it was a first time visit

Tuffgirl

Ditto for me, too. I don't attend meetings much anymore, now that my immediate qualifier is no longer a part of my life. But for a while there, in the early days, it was every day! And it kept me sane, as well as gave me a sense of fellowship I really needed.

Now, my focus is much more on working out the remaining kinks in me for the next adventure in my life. Like Mike said, dating again brings those kinks to the surface for more reflection. Yikes - I saw my pattern loud and clear recently and it wasn't pretty. But it IS fixable, thank goodness! ; )

Being able to apply the new tools I've learned through the 12 steps and such has helped, and I will continue to use these tools forever, I'm sure.

Do what works for you. You'll know because everything will just work and feel right. I never cease to be amazed at how true that is - that I know when things work and feel right. I spent too much time in situations that weren't working thinking I could make it work by sheer force and self-will.

Anyway, Aeryn, you know the saying 'take what works and leave the rest'.
Peace,
~T