fedupbeyondall

I did some introspective thought this weekend and I think the thing that bothers me the most is that Mr. Wonderful has stolen my ability to trust. I don't trust my friends, I don't trust that Al-Anon will really work, most importantly I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust my own abilities to decide what is ok and what isn't. The things I tolerate from him now, are things I wouldn't tolerate from anyone in my life, let alone ther person I was going to spend the entirety of my life with.

I thought about how I got myself to this point, (really I did it to myself). I thought about how to get out of it. I thought about why I've let it go for so long. The realization I came to was that, I do love him, but love isn't enough. I also came to the realization that emotional warfare doesn't make a marriage, and really that's what we do. I make comments to **** him off and get under his skin, he makes them back at me. So I've decided that it's time to go, he has no plans on entering sobriety and I have no intentions of staying in a sh!tty marriage. The scariest part is, if I can ever regain my ability to trust again. That remains to be seen.

CarryOn

Trust is a huge issue for me as well. I have none in RAH at the moment, and have told him so. As far as I'm concerned, it is his responsibility to earn it back...I will not be giving it to him. We're a long way from that, should we ever get there.

As for what you are going through, I experienced something similar. I think we have to break everything down before we can begin to build it back up. About two months ago, I asked my counselor when I was going to hit my bottom, or turn the corner, I felt like everything was falling apart with no end to it in sight and nothing was working for me. She told me I had, but couldn't see it yet. Time seems to be proving that she was right. I was second guessing myself on a lot of things too, but that is starting to improve as I get more grounded in what I need to do for me. There are people that I trust (and never questioned it), but there are some that I don't trust now. I'm careful with them, and have decided that at least one will only be an acquaintance now - I will not put any effort into developing that relationship.

I wasn't sure about Al-Anon for a long while either...took me four months to get myself to go, then several meetings before I felt like I was getting something out of it, but now I see the value. I get some good knowledge from each meeting, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot, sometimes from another newbie and sometimes from a veteran. Hearing how others have applied the program and approached situations in their lives helps me the most.

I think you are heading where you need to be going...it's not always a clear path!

Tuffgirl

Short answer - YES. When you learn to trust yourself first and foremost.

When you believe you can make good choices for your life. Then it becomes about your abilities to handle relationships, to determine if others are worthy of your trust.

It will happen. Trust me! LOL! That was a joke, btw... I think I've had too much coffee this am. ; )

LexieCat

LOL, I picked up the phrase, "Trust me," from a dear friend (now deceased) who was the VERY BEST criminal interrogator I ever met. It was something he constantly used with criminal defendants to lull them into confessing. He was pure Irish charm, did not have to threaten ANYONE. But he used it in everyday speech, too, and he would often wink as he said it.

Incidentally, one of the tips I learned from him is that as soon as a suspect "Swears to God" about anything, guaranteed he/she is lying.

Man, I miss him. I learned so much about human nature from talking to him...

fedupbeyondall

It was my "moment of clarity". It's funny, he got completely plastered Saturday night and slept all day Sunday. It really gave me the space and time I needed to realize that this was not ok and I need to make the changes, because he sure as heck isn't going to.

FireSprite

I agree, YES it's possible. Sounds like you have reached the point of no return so-to-speak. Just like the quote in your signature line, "nothing changes if nothing changes", right?

I also agree with what you said about how dealing with an A caused you to stop trusting even yourself - I felt that way for a while & when it finally dawned on me how outrageous it was that I would doubt myself, it became a lot easier to start moving forward. I found that I had been ignoring my "gut brain" and instincts & when I did that often enough, long enough, I could no longer determine fact or fiction. I could literally feel the tugs in my gut & would rationalize around them.... wth ever made me think THAT was reasonable & acceptable???

This is one of the first areas I had to mend in my early recovery; trusting and loving myself again.

fedupbeyondall

I'm just so angry that, that ability has been taken away from me. He's taken so much from me, but that was the worst. I'm so over it. I had been hesitating on making the decision to leave because I want to make sure he is financially ok (just started a new career that is commission based), but hell, what about me? I need to start working on me. He has made his choices in life. Time for me to make mine.

LifeRecovery

I have learned that it was not the other person I was scared of around trust (he had been untrustworthy from fairly early on).

I did not trust myself to get out of a situation once I saw red flags (I had not before), it was more then just with intimate relationships but with friendships too.

I somehow thought I "deserved" the bad behavior.

It has taken awhile (and I am not completely there yet), but I do trust that I am capable of those changes and getting to that place.

4MyBoys

LifeRecovery,

I totally get this. I have been stuck on the phrase I learned here. That "We accept the Love we think we deserve."

The men in my life look great on paper but behind closed doors, Yikes!

I have been away from my STBXAH two years now and am still no where ready to trust myself to make good decisions when it comes to men. But I think I might be getting closer because I am thinking and wondering about it.

I don't know how I would be able to come back to trusting my STBXAH in the relationship I was in even if he quit drinking. That was why I knew it was time for me to go.

4MyBoys

Springs

I trust the change I see in people in Al Anon who have been doing it for a while - they seem happier, stronger, and in a better place than I am. Can you trust what you observe in other people about what has worked for them and think it could work for you?

LifeRecovery

Springs, great point.

I do trust MY ability to change, and my ability to grow.

That is what has kept me going, through my own recovery (eating disorder) and my codepedency concerns that kept me in my eating disorder and my relationship.

I am not the same person I was before.

I am grateful, not for living with an alcoholic, but that I had OPTIONS for recovery presented to me, and to myself for taking those options. I have a much better life then I would have had otherwise.

I don't know if I would have gotten to this place if I did not have my eating disorder and if things had not gotten so bad in my marriage....I stayed stuck in both for a long time.

I have experienced anger in my growth (for the first time). I have learned that emotions tell me something and they are not the problem, but what I do with them can be.

I have learned that I am as important to myself as anyone else is to me.....and that is not selfish, it is self-care.

The full trust part I have hope will come...it feels like a smaller piece then some of the other ones I have worked through.

wicked

Irish you say? and me with my little shamrock necklace and lovely shamrock tattoo?
Irish charm, oh yes, you can trust me! LOL

Yes, I have full faith you will regain your trust, because it will be trust in YOURSELF,
not in another person being able to do anything for you.

Once you do trust yourself, you will trust all your feeling are telling you something,
and then you will know. Know that what is happening is true for YOU.

Beth

I am a work in progress.