An Open Letter.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
An Open Letter.
I was willing to leave SR because I didn't want my presence to deter or distract anyone else's progress. I have always understood that the greater sum is more important than the lesser few. I also, understand that we are all in this thing called,"Life" together. I still believe this.
What was made clearer to me is this is also my journey. My road less traveled. I should only depart it if I so choose to. I was brought here for a reason. Out of all the sites I could've come across on a search engine, this is the one that popped up first. I intend to stay at SR and stay my course.
Moreover, I will continue to post my updates, concerns, questions and open dialogue about my relationship.
This is dedicated to Crazed, BlueSkies1, SecondMilitia, Shellcrusher, Hammer, Hopeworks, Wicked, Hydrogirl and ShootingStar1.
Individuals who reached out to me and helped me reaffirm my belief in being quiet enough to hear God's voice.
To each of you I listed, "Thank you."
What was made clearer to me is this is also my journey. My road less traveled. I should only depart it if I so choose to. I was brought here for a reason. Out of all the sites I could've come across on a search engine, this is the one that popped up first. I intend to stay at SR and stay my course.
Moreover, I will continue to post my updates, concerns, questions and open dialogue about my relationship.
This is dedicated to Crazed, BlueSkies1, SecondMilitia, Shellcrusher, Hammer, Hopeworks, Wicked, Hydrogirl and ShootingStar1.
Individuals who reached out to me and helped me reaffirm my belief in being quiet enough to hear God's voice.
To each of you I listed, "Thank you."
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Metallic,
I am glad to see you back.
I still haven't read what transpired, and it still doesn't matter. Because there are bumps and pot holes and flat tires along everyone's journey, here on SR, in life, anywhere. The point is that we don't abandon the whole trip because the road sometimes isn't perfectly smooth and pleasant!
And that was what I was trying to convey to you, and I hope everyone understood that.
I only visit this site a few times a week, so I missed your note until just now. I am glad you reversed your decision.
Welcome back to your journey...hope your road is smooth for awhile. It's still your journey and although we may share some things, these are also all very personal and independent stories simultaneously.
I am glad to see you back.
I still haven't read what transpired, and it still doesn't matter. Because there are bumps and pot holes and flat tires along everyone's journey, here on SR, in life, anywhere. The point is that we don't abandon the whole trip because the road sometimes isn't perfectly smooth and pleasant!
And that was what I was trying to convey to you, and I hope everyone understood that.
I only visit this site a few times a week, so I missed your note until just now. I am glad you reversed your decision.
Welcome back to your journey...hope your road is smooth for awhile. It's still your journey and although we may share some things, these are also all very personal and independent stories simultaneously.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
MetallicThorn,
Welcome back to SR. I think you're right; you did find SR for a reason and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Your last post triggered the hell out of me - so much so that I couldn't respond and deleted the app from my iPhone. That's my stuff, not yours. So instead of ranting and raving, I chose to just take some time and consider what it was about your post that had upset me so much.
I don't speak for everyone - only myself - but SR for me is a place where I can be vulnerable. I don't have to wax lyrical about my oh-so perfect partner and try to justify his behaviour. In fact, it's the one place where I don't care if I seem eloquent and poised. I am free to just feel. I don't defend him. I don't say "but he's such a great guy when he's sober" and then list all his admirable traits. I do enough of that outside of cyberland, when he's passed out in a bush and spent all our money and his friends think HE's a HERO or a ROCK GOD because "he can party so hard, yeah!"
You make a lot of lists - and try to understand things as thoroughly as possible so you can make an informed decision. I did the same. I made a list in my head of his good and bad traits and I, too, felt that I was being judgmental and "how dare I judge him".
At some point, you stop making the lists and you just feel. You feel sad, angry, used, betrayed and disillusioned. Maybe now, it all seems like you could live with it. The reality steps in when your lives become more intertwined. What seems like "foolish whims" now and "just being young" can develop in to "I can't afford to pay our rent this week or pay for food because my boyfriend blew all our money on a night out". Or "my boyfriend lost his job because he showed up drunk".
Please consider what YOU want from your life, because NONE of that will eventuate if you choose to build your life around an alcoholic.
Again, welcome back and I hope you find strength, wisdom and ultimately, happiness.
Welcome back to SR. I think you're right; you did find SR for a reason and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Your last post triggered the hell out of me - so much so that I couldn't respond and deleted the app from my iPhone. That's my stuff, not yours. So instead of ranting and raving, I chose to just take some time and consider what it was about your post that had upset me so much.
I don't speak for everyone - only myself - but SR for me is a place where I can be vulnerable. I don't have to wax lyrical about my oh-so perfect partner and try to justify his behaviour. In fact, it's the one place where I don't care if I seem eloquent and poised. I am free to just feel. I don't defend him. I don't say "but he's such a great guy when he's sober" and then list all his admirable traits. I do enough of that outside of cyberland, when he's passed out in a bush and spent all our money and his friends think HE's a HERO or a ROCK GOD because "he can party so hard, yeah!"
You make a lot of lists - and try to understand things as thoroughly as possible so you can make an informed decision. I did the same. I made a list in my head of his good and bad traits and I, too, felt that I was being judgmental and "how dare I judge him".
At some point, you stop making the lists and you just feel. You feel sad, angry, used, betrayed and disillusioned. Maybe now, it all seems like you could live with it. The reality steps in when your lives become more intertwined. What seems like "foolish whims" now and "just being young" can develop in to "I can't afford to pay our rent this week or pay for food because my boyfriend blew all our money on a night out". Or "my boyfriend lost his job because he showed up drunk".
Please consider what YOU want from your life, because NONE of that will eventuate if you choose to build your life around an alcoholic.
Again, welcome back and I hope you find strength, wisdom and ultimately, happiness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Moreover, I will continue to post my updates, concerns, questions and open dialogue about my relationship.
Yes, this is your journey, and yours alone.
My hope is we all learn from each other.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Welcome back!
What was revolutionary for me when I came here that finally I was able to talk about the negative. I kept up the front about the good and tried to ignore the bad. Here I could talk about how much money I spent, that I found him drunk and passed out in the hallway, that I cleaned up carpets and mattresses and couches when he peed himself, that I convinced cops not to take him with them, that I called 911 when he was passed out, that I stayed up all night to make sure he was still breathing, that I was afraid he would burn the house down when cooking while drunk, that I was an anxiety-riddled mess whenever he went out, that I made sure he got up on time to go to work, that I saw him go through a million jobs, that I drove him to DUI day reporting twice a day for months, etc. etc. etc.
I finally felt safe to talk about these things because people here have been there and understand that it's hard to talk about these things with friends and family. I hope you can feel equally safe and open up not only about your hopes, but also your fears and struggles.
What was revolutionary for me when I came here that finally I was able to talk about the negative. I kept up the front about the good and tried to ignore the bad. Here I could talk about how much money I spent, that I found him drunk and passed out in the hallway, that I cleaned up carpets and mattresses and couches when he peed himself, that I convinced cops not to take him with them, that I called 911 when he was passed out, that I stayed up all night to make sure he was still breathing, that I was afraid he would burn the house down when cooking while drunk, that I was an anxiety-riddled mess whenever he went out, that I made sure he got up on time to go to work, that I saw him go through a million jobs, that I drove him to DUI day reporting twice a day for months, etc. etc. etc.
I finally felt safe to talk about these things because people here have been there and understand that it's hard to talk about these things with friends and family. I hope you can feel equally safe and open up not only about your hopes, but also your fears and struggles.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hi MT,
Yes, ShootingStar really hits the salient point here, and that is the fact that all the hero-worship in the world doesn't change what's happening in reality.
It does make us feel virtuous and special in our tragic forbearance, however.
But scrupulosity in our Ethical Practice of Empathy doesn't advance our lives either, frankly--no matter how careful we are with our words.
Nobly believing in the transcendence of an alcoholic spiraling down the drain doesn't make us a sort of midwife to a modern-day Rimbaud, enfant terrible of the 19th century Decadent Movement, who once wrote to a fellow poet, " about his method for attaining poetical transcendence or visionary power through a "long, intimidating, immense and rational derangement of all the senses. The sufferings are enormous, but one must be strong, be born a poet, and I have recognized myself as a poet."[Ivry, Benjamin (1998), Arthur Rimbaud, Bath, Somerset: Absolute Press]
It doesn't make you a poet by association, either.
My experience is that the A was also a person who had been someone heroic and unique, but at the point we met, was living on fantasies of past glory---and I was entranced!
It's just not healthy to be motivated by such starry-eyed fantasy, MT. Personally, I'm trying to recover from such a life-strategy, and it is SUCKING.
Bleh... You can't live in a Jane Austen melodrama.
Please remind me of this little pearl of wisdom, because I keep forgetting:
For our own re-entry into reality, it's important to practice focusing NOT on the fantasy we want to cling to, but on the real hurts and sucker-punches to the psyche that we have been allowing to be done to us. Those are what we can really depend on when we're shackling ourselves to an alcoholic.
Yes, ShootingStar really hits the salient point here, and that is the fact that all the hero-worship in the world doesn't change what's happening in reality.
It does make us feel virtuous and special in our tragic forbearance, however.
But scrupulosity in our Ethical Practice of Empathy doesn't advance our lives either, frankly--no matter how careful we are with our words.
Nobly believing in the transcendence of an alcoholic spiraling down the drain doesn't make us a sort of midwife to a modern-day Rimbaud, enfant terrible of the 19th century Decadent Movement, who once wrote to a fellow poet, " about his method for attaining poetical transcendence or visionary power through a "long, intimidating, immense and rational derangement of all the senses. The sufferings are enormous, but one must be strong, be born a poet, and I have recognized myself as a poet."[Ivry, Benjamin (1998), Arthur Rimbaud, Bath, Somerset: Absolute Press]
It doesn't make you a poet by association, either.
My experience is that the A was also a person who had been someone heroic and unique, but at the point we met, was living on fantasies of past glory---and I was entranced!
It's just not healthy to be motivated by such starry-eyed fantasy, MT. Personally, I'm trying to recover from such a life-strategy, and it is SUCKING.
Bleh... You can't live in a Jane Austen melodrama.
Please remind me of this little pearl of wisdom, because I keep forgetting:
For our own re-entry into reality, it's important to practice focusing NOT on the fantasy we want to cling to, but on the real hurts and sucker-punches to the psyche that we have been allowing to be done to us. Those are what we can really depend on when we're shackling ourselves to an alcoholic.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Clarification 1
I just wanted to come and clarify something I've noticed throughout my responses.
I think what certain individuals are rephrasing repeatedly is a statement that I recall clearly,"In which case I'm wondering what's going on with you that you romanticize pain so deeply and deny it so forcefully."
I've been very open and honest about what I believe and think and I've touched the surface of what plagues me.
In my perspective, people are asking for me to express emotional involvement which is more about verbalizing the external shell of my emotions. What i've done, which is totally different, is emotional awareness. Which is simply feeling the emotions deeply.This allows me to move on from it because I allowed it to express its self wholly.
In my next post I'm sure you'll see signs of this.
I'm truly appreciative of each and every one of you. For those who respond and for those who simply read my posts.
I think what certain individuals are rephrasing repeatedly is a statement that I recall clearly,"In which case I'm wondering what's going on with you that you romanticize pain so deeply and deny it so forcefully."
I've been very open and honest about what I believe and think and I've touched the surface of what plagues me.
In my perspective, people are asking for me to express emotional involvement which is more about verbalizing the external shell of my emotions. What i've done, which is totally different, is emotional awareness. Which is simply feeling the emotions deeply.This allows me to move on from it because I allowed it to express its self wholly.
In my next post I'm sure you'll see signs of this.
I'm truly appreciative of each and every one of you. For those who respond and for those who simply read my posts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 48
MT,
I think maybe you are misinterpreting what some of us a trying to say.
You may be emotionally aware, able to analyse your feelings, and then put it to use to achieve your intended goal; but the main problem I see is that you are trying to apply that rationalization to an alcoholic.
Alcoholics aren't rational. They are illogical and destructive and often manipulative. You can definitely be emotionally aware and feel everything and then move on from it, but if he continues to do things that disrespect you or his behavior encroaches on your boundaries, then you need to apply that logic to you, not him.
You can't control his thought process; only your own.
You can't provide rationale for his behavior; only he can.
You can't map out his life for him; only he can.
What you can do is map out your own, and consider that as long as his goal is to get drunk and party, that your goals don't necessarily align.
Deep down, you're in the same position many of us are/were. You are in love with an alcoholic and you want him to change so that you can have a life together.
If he can't change, if he chooses alcohol instead of that doctor, house, kids path that you have set out for you both; can you live with that?
Can you handle being second best? Because that's what you are. As harsh as it may seem, we are all second best- the consolation prize- the shadow waiting for him when he gets home. We are reduced to parents caring for a child we did not conceive.
Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, but you can love someone unconditionally and through that love realize that the only way to love them is from afar.
I consider myself an emotionally intelligent and aware individual and I could wax lyrical about my XABF or my current ABF but to me - that is contrary to what I really feel. My heart feels, my brain rationalizes and it continues back and forth until suddenly my heart and brain are saying the same things and they are all focused on the positive parts of my A and how "if it happens again, then ill leave". It always happens again and I never do.
I could dress it up in flowery language, but that verbosity makes it no less painful, no less "real". It looks good on paper, and as though my SO is a character in a Mills & Boon who will eventually come to his senses and realize I'm his one and only.
BUT that is a fantasy AND we all live in a fantasy with our A's until one day we become aware of who they really are - someone who needs the bottle the way we need air. We are searching for our other half - the one to make us feel complete. They have already found theirs, and it's a bond that only they can break.
Good luck
I think maybe you are misinterpreting what some of us a trying to say.
You may be emotionally aware, able to analyse your feelings, and then put it to use to achieve your intended goal; but the main problem I see is that you are trying to apply that rationalization to an alcoholic.
Alcoholics aren't rational. They are illogical and destructive and often manipulative. You can definitely be emotionally aware and feel everything and then move on from it, but if he continues to do things that disrespect you or his behavior encroaches on your boundaries, then you need to apply that logic to you, not him.
You can't control his thought process; only your own.
You can't provide rationale for his behavior; only he can.
You can't map out his life for him; only he can.
What you can do is map out your own, and consider that as long as his goal is to get drunk and party, that your goals don't necessarily align.
Deep down, you're in the same position many of us are/were. You are in love with an alcoholic and you want him to change so that you can have a life together.
If he can't change, if he chooses alcohol instead of that doctor, house, kids path that you have set out for you both; can you live with that?
Can you handle being second best? Because that's what you are. As harsh as it may seem, we are all second best- the consolation prize- the shadow waiting for him when he gets home. We are reduced to parents caring for a child we did not conceive.
Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, but you can love someone unconditionally and through that love realize that the only way to love them is from afar.
I consider myself an emotionally intelligent and aware individual and I could wax lyrical about my XABF or my current ABF but to me - that is contrary to what I really feel. My heart feels, my brain rationalizes and it continues back and forth until suddenly my heart and brain are saying the same things and they are all focused on the positive parts of my A and how "if it happens again, then ill leave". It always happens again and I never do.
I could dress it up in flowery language, but that verbosity makes it no less painful, no less "real". It looks good on paper, and as though my SO is a character in a Mills & Boon who will eventually come to his senses and realize I'm his one and only.
BUT that is a fantasy AND we all live in a fantasy with our A's until one day we become aware of who they really are - someone who needs the bottle the way we need air. We are searching for our other half - the one to make us feel complete. They have already found theirs, and it's a bond that only they can break.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I've been very open and honest about what I believe and think and I've touched the surface of what plagues me.
In my perspective, people are asking for me to express emotional involvement which is more about verbalizing the external shell of my emotions. What i've done, which is totally different, is emotional awareness. Which is simply feeling the emotions deeply.This allows me to move on from it because I allowed it to express its self wholly.
Metallic Thorn, where do these definitions come from? I've never heard of "emotional involvement" and "emotional awareness" as defined psychological terms that have a commonly understood and agreed upon meaning.
What does "verbalizing the external shell of my emotions" mean? How do emotions have an external shell?
If this is a metaphor, what are you comparing here? If emotions have an external shell, that suggests that there is an internal shell also?
For a metaphor to work, it must take the real situation, find a parallel or analogue situation, preferably one that easily declares its own meaning, then relate the two.
I honestly don't get this, and if you want me to understand what you mean, I need to understand what you are saying.
When you write reaffirm my belief in being quiet enough to hear God's voice, I understand that.
When you say touched the surface of what plagues me, I understand that something is troubling you greatly and persistently.
Other than those comments, while I would honestly like to know what you are feeling, I just don't get it.
ShootingStar1
In my perspective, people are asking for me to express emotional involvement which is more about verbalizing the external shell of my emotions. What i've done, which is totally different, is emotional awareness. Which is simply feeling the emotions deeply.This allows me to move on from it because I allowed it to express its self wholly.
Metallic Thorn, where do these definitions come from? I've never heard of "emotional involvement" and "emotional awareness" as defined psychological terms that have a commonly understood and agreed upon meaning.
What does "verbalizing the external shell of my emotions" mean? How do emotions have an external shell?
If this is a metaphor, what are you comparing here? If emotions have an external shell, that suggests that there is an internal shell also?
For a metaphor to work, it must take the real situation, find a parallel or analogue situation, preferably one that easily declares its own meaning, then relate the two.
I honestly don't get this, and if you want me to understand what you mean, I need to understand what you are saying.
When you write reaffirm my belief in being quiet enough to hear God's voice, I understand that.
When you say touched the surface of what plagues me, I understand that something is troubling you greatly and persistently.
Other than those comments, while I would honestly like to know what you are feeling, I just don't get it.
ShootingStar1
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Responses 1
I just wanted to respond to some questions asked.
Jad3d asked,"If he can't change, if he chooses alcohol instead of that doctor, house, kids path that you have set out for you both; can you live with that?"
To be quite honest, I'm not sure. It would depend in the actual pathway he wanted to lead us down. Moreover, it would depend on the process of getting there. Also, whether or not our integrity would be compromised for it.
I'm a "planner" by design as well. I'm sure you've picked up on this from all my lists. This is why I'm such an advocate for awareness.
ShootingStar1 asked,"Metallic Thorn, where do these definitions come from? I've never heard of "emotional involvement" and "emotional awareness" as defined psychological terms that have a commonly understood and agreed upon meaning."
I'm so glad you asked. These two wonderful terms came from the book,"The Heart of the Soul: Emotional Awareness" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. I absolutely recommend it. It truly is an enlightening read that you won't want to put down.
ShootingStar1 also asked,"What does "verbalizing the external shell of my emotions" mean? How do emotions have an external shell?"
In the book, emotional involvement is more about the surface of emotions. Example,"I'm angry. I'm sad." Instead of,"Just let me feel." Which is emotional awareness. Allowing yourself to feel it deeply so then you can move on.
For all of your responses, questions, comments and concerns. Again,"Thank you."
Jad3d asked,"If he can't change, if he chooses alcohol instead of that doctor, house, kids path that you have set out for you both; can you live with that?"
To be quite honest, I'm not sure. It would depend in the actual pathway he wanted to lead us down. Moreover, it would depend on the process of getting there. Also, whether or not our integrity would be compromised for it.
I'm a "planner" by design as well. I'm sure you've picked up on this from all my lists. This is why I'm such an advocate for awareness.
ShootingStar1 asked,"Metallic Thorn, where do these definitions come from? I've never heard of "emotional involvement" and "emotional awareness" as defined psychological terms that have a commonly understood and agreed upon meaning."
I'm so glad you asked. These two wonderful terms came from the book,"The Heart of the Soul: Emotional Awareness" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. I absolutely recommend it. It truly is an enlightening read that you won't want to put down.
ShootingStar1 also asked,"What does "verbalizing the external shell of my emotions" mean? How do emotions have an external shell?"
In the book, emotional involvement is more about the surface of emotions. Example,"I'm angry. I'm sad." Instead of,"Just let me feel." Which is emotional awareness. Allowing yourself to feel it deeply so then you can move on.
For all of your responses, questions, comments and concerns. Again,"Thank you."
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