The End of the Road
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bournemouth
Posts: 3
The End of the Road
Having posted on here previously and gained some comfort from it, I would like to bring you up to date with my situation.
I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with the love of my life who devastatingly was an alcoholic. During those 4 years I have tried to offer encouragement and support to my partner throughout the many traumas that we have had to go through.
Despite all my help and that of all available support services, going through various rehab sessions, periods in Mental Health Institutions, she always went back to the alcohol.
During the 4 years, I knew of at least 7 occasions where she had gone off with other men during her alcoholic sessions and these men were only to happy to supply her with alcohol in return for sexual favours, but fool that I am I always forgave her and tried to start afresh.
At one stage I was virtually suffering from a nervous breakdown, I desperately needed and sought out for help, it appeared that the only option that was available to me was Al Anon, WELL !!!!!! what a complete and utter waste of time that was, nearly ⅔ of the session was taken up by religious docrination, I needed somebody to talk to not listen to religious quotations, I never went back !!!!!
In December 2012 she became unwell again, and steadily got physically worse as the weeks went by, not being able to get out of bed, suffering from incontinence, losing a lot of weight but with a distended stomach and yellowing of the eyes, I was having to do everything for her, all the time I was urging her to see a Doctor which she would assure me she was doing. Her physical appearance was deteriorating so badly that in the end I insisted on taking her round there myself, the Doctor took one look at her and called an Ambulance.
After 7 days in the Hospital I was called in and informed that there was no hope for her and that apart from pain relief they were withdrawing all medication, on 7th June at 16.45 I held her hand and stroked her face and told her “it’s all right Darling it is time to let go now “ she took one more breath and then passed away at the comparatively young age of 47 years.
You may think that this is the end of the story, but no !!!!!!!!!, since her passing I have discovered that there are at least another 2 men that she had been unfaithful to me with, How many others are there that I do not know about ???????, I am devastated and so hurt.
She told everybody that she loved me totally and that without me she would have been dead long before, but these latest revelations have made me so angry with her, if you love somebody so much how can you cheat on them so often without a care in the World, I have even found out that she went to Paris with one of them having just disappeared on me for 4 days.
With so many unanswered questions, I have gone from loving someone totally to hating them, every time I think of her I am filled with thoughts and visions of her with other men - no nice thoughts of her at all - and all because of the evils of alcohol
I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with the love of my life who devastatingly was an alcoholic. During those 4 years I have tried to offer encouragement and support to my partner throughout the many traumas that we have had to go through.
Despite all my help and that of all available support services, going through various rehab sessions, periods in Mental Health Institutions, she always went back to the alcohol.
During the 4 years, I knew of at least 7 occasions where she had gone off with other men during her alcoholic sessions and these men were only to happy to supply her with alcohol in return for sexual favours, but fool that I am I always forgave her and tried to start afresh.
At one stage I was virtually suffering from a nervous breakdown, I desperately needed and sought out for help, it appeared that the only option that was available to me was Al Anon, WELL !!!!!! what a complete and utter waste of time that was, nearly ⅔ of the session was taken up by religious docrination, I needed somebody to talk to not listen to religious quotations, I never went back !!!!!
In December 2012 she became unwell again, and steadily got physically worse as the weeks went by, not being able to get out of bed, suffering from incontinence, losing a lot of weight but with a distended stomach and yellowing of the eyes, I was having to do everything for her, all the time I was urging her to see a Doctor which she would assure me she was doing. Her physical appearance was deteriorating so badly that in the end I insisted on taking her round there myself, the Doctor took one look at her and called an Ambulance.
After 7 days in the Hospital I was called in and informed that there was no hope for her and that apart from pain relief they were withdrawing all medication, on 7th June at 16.45 I held her hand and stroked her face and told her “it’s all right Darling it is time to let go now “ she took one more breath and then passed away at the comparatively young age of 47 years.
You may think that this is the end of the story, but no !!!!!!!!!, since her passing I have discovered that there are at least another 2 men that she had been unfaithful to me with, How many others are there that I do not know about ???????, I am devastated and so hurt.
She told everybody that she loved me totally and that without me she would have been dead long before, but these latest revelations have made me so angry with her, if you love somebody so much how can you cheat on them so often without a care in the World, I have even found out that she went to Paris with one of them having just disappeared on me for 4 days.
With so many unanswered questions, I have gone from loving someone totally to hating them, every time I think of her I am filled with thoughts and visions of her with other men - no nice thoughts of her at all - and all because of the evils of alcohol
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Rayuk 
. . . and all because of the evils of alcohol
Just saying.
But sorry on the loss and pain, either way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
So sorry for your loss, and the realization on top of it that she was unfaithful.
All I can offer is prayers for peace and understanding that she probably did love you like she described, but alcohol tends to remove and any all good judgment people have.
At least now she is at peace.
Hugs,
~T
All I can offer is prayers for peace and understanding that she probably did love you like she described, but alcohol tends to remove and any all good judgment people have.
At least now she is at peace.
Hugs,
~T
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rayuk, yours is a sad, sad story, and I can feel the pain in your post. It has been only a very short time since her passing, so, surely, you are in grief.Grief has many stages---one of them is anger.
You cared about someone who was not capable of loving you back in the way that you wanted and needed (to say the least). Her life was controlled by alcohol--thus she couldn't really love anyone--not her other companions and not even herself. These other were merely distractions. The focus of her life was to be able to drink. That is the way it is once alcohol has taken over an individual.
You have a lot of work ahead of you in order to get past this. You need to go through the grieving period and accept the reality of what the relationship was. You must come to forgive yourself---because you are guilty of nothing except ignorance of alcoholism and unwisely committing to someone who couldn't return that kind of committment.
You need support--and lots of it. Face to face--people to talk to who understand, and I would say that a therapist would be extremely valuable to you during this time.
There is a life without pain waiting for you on the other side of this mountain.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You will find lots of support, here.
dandylion
You cared about someone who was not capable of loving you back in the way that you wanted and needed (to say the least). Her life was controlled by alcohol--thus she couldn't really love anyone--not her other companions and not even herself. These other were merely distractions. The focus of her life was to be able to drink. That is the way it is once alcohol has taken over an individual.
You have a lot of work ahead of you in order to get past this. You need to go through the grieving period and accept the reality of what the relationship was. You must come to forgive yourself---because you are guilty of nothing except ignorance of alcoholism and unwisely committing to someone who couldn't return that kind of committment.
You need support--and lots of it. Face to face--people to talk to who understand, and I would say that a therapist would be extremely valuable to you during this time.
There is a life without pain waiting for you on the other side of this mountain.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You will find lots of support, here.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Rayuk, I am sorry for your loss. I understand a lot of what you are feeling right now. I can say that experiencing grief and new anger at her simultaneously is probably making your head spin. Grief has many stages as dandylion said, and those 5 different stages are revisited and worked through time and time again. You might want to google the 5 stages of grief. It does box it up all too nicely into these 5 stages, but you also might gain some understanding for yourself.
You might also want to visit a grief forum. There are many out there, and there is one on this site also, that you could post to.
You have experienced a tremendous loss and I know from having been there that the best thing is to go easy on yourself as this reality sinks in. It takes a lot of time to process, give yourself patience, there is some shock associated with all this.
When we are angry at someone who has died we can allow ourselves to feel and express that anger. You can shout out loud at her, whatever it takes. You still have the right to express those feelings of anger, along with sadness, to her, even though she is not here.
Some part of her life hurt herself and others. Why she thought at the time that those behaviors were going to help her, who knows, but they didn't. In the end she hurt herself the most.
You might also want to visit a grief forum. There are many out there, and there is one on this site also, that you could post to.
You have experienced a tremendous loss and I know from having been there that the best thing is to go easy on yourself as this reality sinks in. It takes a lot of time to process, give yourself patience, there is some shock associated with all this.
When we are angry at someone who has died we can allow ourselves to feel and express that anger. You can shout out loud at her, whatever it takes. You still have the right to express those feelings of anger, along with sadness, to her, even though she is not here.
Some part of her life hurt herself and others. Why she thought at the time that those behaviors were going to help her, who knows, but they didn't. In the end she hurt herself the most.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry for your loss, it’s so hurtful to give your all and love to someone who is not capable of equally returning it.
Now may be the time for allot of self reflection, you were with someone for 4 years and in those 4 years you knew of at least 7 occasions where she had gone off with other men so discovering a few more shouldn’t be shocking. The ego is a strong presents and reflecting on ourselves to answer some of our why’s, why did we stay, why did we easily believe they were going to change, why did we except unacceptable behavior?
It’s easy to point all the blame and focus our hurt at them, but it always takes two people to make a relationship.
Again I am sorry you are hurting.
Now may be the time for allot of self reflection, you were with someone for 4 years and in those 4 years you knew of at least 7 occasions where she had gone off with other men so discovering a few more shouldn’t be shocking. The ego is a strong presents and reflecting on ourselves to answer some of our why’s, why did we stay, why did we easily believe they were going to change, why did we except unacceptable behavior?
It’s easy to point all the blame and focus our hurt at them, but it always takes two people to make a relationship.
Again I am sorry you are hurting.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What a double loss--loss of a young life and loss of your memories of her because of all that has now been revealed. I'm so very sorry!!
You have every right to be angry and disillusioned. Please keep coming back here and vent all you want and need. We get it.
I hope that tomorrow is a bit brighter. Time really does ease the pain.
You have every right to be angry and disillusioned. Please keep coming back here and vent all you want and need. We get it.
I hope that tomorrow is a bit brighter. Time really does ease the pain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Rayuk, your pain is awful, and when you went for support it was not what you needed.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
May I humbly suggest a grief support group?
Please do not suffer alone with this, there are counselors and groups where you
can find the support you need that is not religious.
Even with the knowledge you had before her death, you were there when she passed
away, I want to thank you for that. Maybe you were the only one who could be there
for her at the end, and that takes a lot of heart and compassion.
My sincere hope that in the future you can find some peace,
Beth
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
May I humbly suggest a grief support group?
Please do not suffer alone with this, there are counselors and groups where you
can find the support you need that is not religious.
After 7 days in the Hospital I was called in and informed that there was no hope for her and that apart from pain relief they were withdrawing all medication, on 7th June at 16.45 I held her hand and stroked her face and told her “it’s all right Darling it is time to let go now “ she took one more breath and then passed away at the comparatively young age of 47 years.
away, I want to thank you for that. Maybe you were the only one who could be there
for her at the end, and that takes a lot of heart and compassion.
My sincere hope that in the future you can find some peace,
Beth
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