Why do they stop talking to you?

Old 07-03-2013, 06:02 PM
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I knew what you meant, DG--I, too, would generally expect that exes are usually just that--exes. Unless you have children together, then most people don't remain in contact--at least not on a regular basis.

I'm fortunate that I have an exception in the case of my first husband--we have remained good friends, largely, I think, because we have supported each other as our kids have grown up. I am friendly with his wife, too, and we spend the holidays together at their house when I visit my kids. He's been sober since before we married, though, and I think our situation is pretty unusual. Good, but not common.

Letting go of people when the relationship is over is often difficult, but necessary if you are not going to stay stuck in the past.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:12 PM
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DG,

IF she's like the rest of us eating this thread up over and over, there isn't anything necessarily RIGHT or RATIONAL about wanting the contact. Maybe some closure perhaps, but just to know that what we thought we had maybe wasn't all an illusion. If it was, some of us are just not ready to face that fact yet. The logic will come when the pain subsides, but for now, we are still two steps forward and one step back.

We want to know it was real for them on some level too. That our feelings for them were reciprocated. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't and maybe they never could be because of the addiction. Either way, knowing it may have been real for them too makes it all a little easier to cope with. Knowing they feel a little remorse makes it all a little easier to bare the pain. That's all. At least that's all for me. I suspect for OP and some of the others too.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by izzyrose05 View Post
DG,

IF she's like the rest of us eating this thread up over and over, there isn't anything necessarily RIGHT or RATIONAL about wanting the contact. Maybe some closure perhaps, but just to know that what we thought we had maybe wasn't all an illusion. If it was, some of us are just not ready to face that fact yet. The logic will come when the pain subsides, but for now, we are still two steps forward and one step back.

We want to know it was real for them on some level too. That our feelings for them were reciprocated. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't and maybe they never could be because of the addiction. Either way, knowing it may have been real for them too makes it all a little easier to cope with. Knowing they feel a little remorse makes it all a little easier to bare the pain. That's all. At least that's all for me. I suspect for OP and some of the others too.
Hello Izzy,

Thank you for your kind words....I can only speak for myself, but I definitely have thought some of the same things....

All the best,


Linda
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Old 07-03-2013, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by izzyrose05 View Post
.....We want to know it was real for them on some level too. That our feelings for them were reciprocated. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't and maybe they never could be because of the addiction. Either way, knowing it may have been real for them too makes it all a little easier to cope with. Knowing they feel a little remorse makes it all a little easier to bare the pain. That's all. At least that's all for me. I suspect for OP and some of the others too.
This is absolutely how I feel. It is sad to realize that the person that I fell in love with who I was closest to and friends for a year prior to the relationship no longer exists. The transformation that I witnessed accompanied with what I have learned about his disease has me questioning if any of it was real at all? I have tried to recall if the loving and intimate conversations we had were while he was sober or drunk. I don't know.... Was it an act? How do I trust again? Some of the many questions I ask myself when looking back at all of it.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:29 PM
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O/T Response

Bewilderment - thank you for initiating this thread, there is some great discussion and resources being shared that are obviously helpful to many.

Here's my O/T, and I do not mean to hijack this thread, but this is where I came across something that really stuck with me so I'm hoping you'll indulge me...SR is a forum that provides an outlet for people from all walks of life & all sorts of communication styles to come together to share their specific ESH. Some posters are gentle while others are more direct, even abrasive at times. And yes, I know it is hard not to take that personally as I had what I took as an abrasive response to one of my first threads and it knocked the wind out of me for a while. Generally speaking, you get a little of each when you start a new thread. I truly appreciate all the different styles - sometimes we need to hear things softly whispered and sometimes we need them screamed in our face. To me, it would be unfortunate for us to discourage any form of response because I believe that they all come from a place of good intention. One of the slogans that is used very often, because of how applicable it is, is take what you want and leave the rest. There are many insightful, gentle and affirmative posts here, please understand the direct ones come from the same place but are simply communicated in a different way.

Thank you for your patience with me...end O/T.
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Old 07-03-2013, 11:34 PM
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I was sitting here tonight in tears reading and praying someone would understand how I felt somehow by how they or you are feeling. Then out of this all I read your post! I to have been ignored and my exabf he stopped talking to me last year. I still have a few days here and there that the mourning, pain and grief hits me hard. I'm learning to put myself first finally and reading and having wonderful people on this post has helped. Thank you for your post it really hit me hard, you will get to the other side just keep working and know you might now ever understand why. There are plenty of responses with great advise/information that can help you, I know it has helped me. Love this forum.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:27 AM
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My experience has been when they stop talking to you, it's not because of what I've done, but what he has done.....
No reflection on us whatsoever.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove View Post
My experience has been when they stop talking to you, it's not because of what I've done, but what he has done.....
No reflection on us whatsoever.
I think this is likely the case, but they sure know how to make you feel like it's your fault.
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Old 07-04-2013, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by unindated View Post
I think this is likely the case, but they sure know how to make you feel like it's your fault.
Omg! Ain't that the truth!!!!
When I broke up with my exabf he tried to convince me that I just didn't do it for him anymore....
Well...
Just to be sure that was in fact the case,
This is what I said....
Ok, so and so...
If you can picture me with someone else and it doesn't bother you, then yes, you should break up with me...
For example, if I saw my ex so and so, (the previous boyfriend) with someone else, and you remember how in love with him I was, I would jump up and down and say...hallelujah! At least, he won't be back to bother me anymore!!!

His reply; FINE, LINDA!!! I get it...just don't invite me to your wedding!!
Then he proceeded to hang up on me...
Oops.....perhaps I called his bluff?

If anyone out there can explain what his response to me may have meant, by all means, do tell....

To this day, it STILL baffles me!
When this first happened, I was so upset...
Now, in a bittersweet sort of way, I kind of find his reaction towards me rather humorous....

Perhaps, I still "did it for him" after all, huh?!?
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Old 07-04-2013, 10:23 AM
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IME, if they do reach out later on down the road---run!

If you choose to contact them in such a case, find out quickly if they're just out of a relationship and just looking for someone (you) to build up their ego. BTDT.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:14 PM
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Why do I care so much when we are broken up?
Alcoholics obsess about booze and we obsess about them, no matter how much pain they caused. Alanon is a big help in cutting the obsession and learning how to pick healthier people and have good relationships. It's wonderful to heal the inner demons and realize you deserve a terrific person in your life.
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Old 07-05-2013, 03:47 PM
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THEY ARE EXs for a reason.

to learn your lesson

and to NOT do that AGAIN!

boy, did i learn, and yes, HAVE not done it again...NOW i can spot them a mile away
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Old 10-06-2015, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Bewilderment View Post
I don't mean to sound as if I don't appreciate all of the comments & advice we find on this forum, but I would like to interject something here after what I feel was an insensitive comment to someone under a thread that I originally posted.

(It is not the first time I felt someone new & in fresh shock & pain was sort of 'blasted' by an off the cuff comment from someone who had years of experience dealing with Addicts.)

If you have had much more experience with the agony of dealing with an Addict-- please remember that some people HAVE NOT. While things are obvious to you, it may be the first time others have ever seen or experienced these things, and they are desperate & on their last raw nerve by the time they have found, let alone Posted, on this forum.

As much as possible,Please be kind. We Newbies are listening- and we need your advice! But, not to be metaphorically slapped by your words.

In response to "it is not normal or healthy for exes to continue contact"-that is judgemental as well as incorrect. Plenty of healthy people do remain in contact, and develop valuable friendships with those they may not have been compatible with romantically.

So let's change that phrase to "it is not healthy to stay in unhealthy relationships."
Because that is what we are all really trying to deal with here.

It takes time- some days are better, some days worse. Sometimes you are doing great, and something will hit you out of the blue & knock the wind out of you.
Keep treating yourself well.
I wish everyone luck and to find your own new way through the mess.
After all, what is the alternative?
That was written by a recovered alcoholic. Shocker.
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Old 10-06-2015, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Diva76 View Post
Good evening, DG0409...

I hope this note finds you well....
I think you made a lot of valid points in your follow-up post...
However, in the original poster's case, it appears that the person she was involved with cut contact with her because the "demon won", so to speak....
From my perspective, some of the other responses discuss this very thing....

So, I feel your commentary above does not apply to this particular set of circumstances, but can certainly apply to other situations....

Oh well....

As the saying goes, Breaking up is hard to do;(

All the best,


Linda
Um, yeah. None of our break ups here are "normal". DGO409's comments would apply to a normal situation and normal parting of ways in which case such parting is not a sudden cutting of contact with no explanation. Normal people break up after a discussion whether brief or not about why they are breaking up and ceasing contact. The OP's ex is an emotional abuser and treated her that way either out of selfishness of the alcoholism and/or to intentionally hurt her.
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Old 10-06-2015, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Diva76 View Post
Omg! Ain't that the truth!!!!
When I broke up with my exabf he tried to convince me that I just didn't do it for him anymore....
Well...
Just to be sure that was in fact the case,
This is what I said....
Ok, so and so...
If you can picture me with someone else and it doesn't bother you, then yes, you should break up with me...
For example, if I saw my ex so and so, (the previous boyfriend) with someone else, and you remember how in love with him I was, I would jump up and down and say...hallelujah! At least, he won't be back to bother me anymore!!!

His reply; FINE, LINDA!!! I get it...just don't invite me to your wedding!!
Then he proceeded to hang up on me...
Oops.....perhaps I called his bluff?

If anyone out there can explain what his response to me may have meant, by all means, do tell....

To this day, it STILL baffles me!
When this first happened, I was so upset...
Now, in a bittersweet sort of way, I kind of find his reaction towards me rather humorous....

Perhaps, I still "did it for him" after all, huh?!?
Thanks for this post even if old. Every time my xabf would push me away he would say I don't want to know, hear or think about you with anyone else. I'm just pushing you away to protect you from me and my disease. Eventually, as he spiraled deeper he started saying it didn't bother him but when I put scenarios in his head, he hated it. Does that help?
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Old 10-06-2015, 04:32 PM
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So glad this thread has been brought back to life! It is awesome!

Two things....

First, if a recovering A chose the traditional 12 steps, then he/she might get to step 8/9 and reach out to make amends. I actually read a post on the other side of the forums that talked about this. Some people did in fact reach out to do their amends.... they were either told to "F off!" Or they were welcomed for their apologies. Others said that it had been too long or that they worried that reaching out would only drudge up pain for the other person, so they chose not to. It makes sense that making amends is part of recovery because most alcoholics have had to tell so many lies just to keep their alcoholic reality going, and they may have also done some pretty awful things that were not only tough to deal with, but also threatened their ability to drink. The thing with alcoholism is that the alcoholic must stop at nothing in order to protect it. This doesn't mean the person has no heart or isn't human. My abf is a fantastic man aside from the damage done by his drinking.... and what is so hard is that the alcohol will eventually take it's host as well.... whether by mental illness, irreversible health issues, death, or incarceration.....

Secondly, I don't think this post is just for those that have been cut out of the A's life. I too believe that some alcoholics do this in order to stave off a painful reality while being able to continue to drink. But I also think that it accounts for those of us with active A's IN a relationship that seem to become more and more distant. I am finding this in my own relationship with my abf. Recently I had to come to terms with the fact that he has relapsed and is actively drinking again. And I also needed, for myself, to be able to say out loud what I needed to say to him and to let him know that I know and that I cannot live in his sub reality with him.

He admitted to me the drinking... but he's gone right along hiding it (or thinking that he is) and lying about it, of course. And well, he is also pulling away from me. Emotionally, physically, time spent together.... it's funny, because he keeps calling me, like a lot... but then he gets off the phone quickly. He is short in conversation. I can tell he knows he needs to talk and reach out, but he keeps stopping himself. And.... he is keeping me and my "knowing" at a fine distance. Which is fine.... honestly the lying AND the distance are truly putting space between us. I'm just going to let him do it without chasing him.

Stupid addictions. Going around ruining everything! Blah!!!
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Old 10-06-2015, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LemonGirl View Post
So glad this thread has been brought back to life! It is awesome!

Two things....

First, if a recovering A chose the traditional 12 steps, then he/she might get to step 8/9 and reach out to make amends. I actually read a post on the other side of the forums that talked about this. Some people did in fact reach out to do their amends.... they were either told to "F off!" Or they were welcomed for their apologies. Others said that it had been too long or that they worried that reaching out would only drudge up pain for the other person, so they chose not to. It makes sense that making amends is part of recovery because most alcoholics have had to tell so many lies just to keep their alcoholic reality going, and they may have also done some pretty awful things that were not only tough to deal with, but also threatened their ability to drink. The thing with alcoholism is that the alcoholic must stop at nothing in order to protect it. This doesn't mean the person has no heart or isn't human. My abf is a fantastic man aside from the damage done by his drinking.... and what is so hard is that the alcohol will eventually take it's host as well.... whether by mental illness, irreversible health issues, death, or incarceration.....

Secondly, I don't think this post is just for those that have been cut out of the A's life. I too believe that some alcoholics do this in order to stave off a painful reality while being able to continue to drink. But I also think that it accounts for those of us with active A's IN a relationship that seem to become more and more distant. I am finding this in my own relationship with my abf. Recently I had to come to terms with the fact that he has relapsed and is actively drinking again. And I also needed, for myself, to be able to say out loud what I needed to say to him and to let him know that I know and that I cannot live in his sub reality with him.

He admitted to me the drinking... but he's gone right along hiding it (or thinking that he is) and lying about it, of course. And well, he is also pulling away from me. Emotionally, physically, time spent together.... it's funny, because he keeps calling me, like a lot... but then he gets off the phone quickly. He is short in conversation. I can tell he knows he needs to talk and reach out, but he keeps stopping himself. And.... he is keeping me and my "knowing" at a fine distance. Which is fine.... honestly the lying AND the distance are truly putting space between us. I'm just going to let him do it without chasing him.

Stupid addictions. Going around ruining everything! Blah!!!
I wonder if they ever make amends, come back a whole person and love you for the rest of your life? Only in fairytales right? Oh my heart aches and misses the good part of him. I basically told him to eff off in one of our last communications. Told him if he ever contacted me again I will request a restraining order essentially. And we are both lawyers so he knew I was serious. But I had no choice he'd gone off the deep end and threatened me, not physically but my job. This whole situation is a nightmare and I'm grieving so immensely.
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Old 10-07-2015, 03:22 AM
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They stop talking to you because they don't want to hear what you have to say ESPECIALLY if it's telling them they have a problem.

They don't want anything in the way of their alcoholism.



Originally Posted by Bewilderment View Post
Why do they stop talking to you, as if you have done something wrong?

I've been watching from the outside as my exabf has been going more & more out of control over a year. I still miss him but he refuses to talk to me or have contact in any way.
I can't understand that, because he is the one that lied about his alcohol & drug addiction, hurt me, etc.
6 months after we split, he actually asked another girl to marry him. (she said no).
How could he fall in love w/someone else in 6 months?

I've seen several pics of him lately, thru friends & family. He looks like another person, has lost tons of weight. Always wearing sunglasses. Always on the phone.
I finally saw a pic of his eyes. They are black & vacant. Sad.

Why do I care so much when we are broken up? But I still do. I'm afraid he's really going to kill himself thru all of this. But it seems no one- that he talks to, anyway- ever says hey: I think you've got a problem!! They just watch him spin farther & father down the rabbit hole. He spends the $$, and no one cares.

Do they really forget about us, the ones who they loved & who loved them? Or do they remember & it gets shunted aside?
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Old 10-07-2015, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by amharter View Post
I wonder if they ever make amends, come back a whole person and love you for the rest of your life? Only in fairytales right? Oh my heart aches and misses the good part of him. I basically told him to eff off in one of our last communications. Told him if he ever contacted me again I will request a restraining order essentially. And we are both lawyers so he knew I was serious. But I had no choice he'd gone off the deep end and threatened me, not physically but my job. This whole situation is a nightmare and I'm grieving so immensely.
Yes... probably only in fairlytales.... The problem (or brilliance) of love is that it is a choice and it takes two. Both open and willing and trusting and vulnerable.... Your path went one way, and he has chosen another. Of course, life carries endless possibilities, but why would any of us stop our own growth and our own paths to wait for the just maybies, or the just in cases....? I think that is the illusion that many of us are trying to recover from.

((((Hugs)))) to you SR friend. Letting go is always so painful....
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Old 10-07-2015, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by LemonGirl View Post
Yes... probably only in fairlytales.... The problem (or brilliance) of love is that it is a choice and it takes two. Both open and willing and trusting and vulnerable.... Your path went one way, and he has chosen another. Of course, life carries endless possibilities, but why would any of us stop our own growth and our own paths to wait for the just maybies, or the just in cases....? I think that is the illusion that many of us are trying to recover from.

((((Hugs)))) to you SR friend. Letting go is always so painful....
Yes, he chose alcohol and self destruction. 💔
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