Why do they stop talking to you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Washington
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by DG0409 
You two are EXES.
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
(It is not the first time I felt someone new & in fresh shock & pain was sort of 'blasted' by an off the cuff comment from someone who had years of experience dealing with Addicts.)
If you have had much more experience with the agony of dealing with an Addict-- please remember that some people HAVE NOT. While things are obvious to you, it may be the first time others have ever seen or experienced these things, and they are desperate & on their last raw nerve by the time they have found, let alone Posted, on this forum.
As much as possible,Please be kind. We Newbies are listening- and we need your advice! But, not to be metaphorically slapped by your words.
In response to "it is not normal or healthy for exes to continue contact"-that is judgemental as well as incorrect. Plenty of healthy people do remain in contact, and develop valuable friendships with those they may not have been compatible with romantically.
So let's change that phrase to "it is not healthy to stay in unhealthy relationships."
Because that is what we are all really trying to deal with here.
It takes time- some days are better, some days worse. Sometimes you are doing great, and something will hit you out of the blue & knock the wind out of you.
Keep treating yourself well.
I wish everyone luck and to find your own new way through the mess.
After all, what is the alternative?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
I have experienced the same. My XABF never contacted me again after he broke up with me almost 4 years ago. I went from being the best thing that ever happened to him to completely disposable. It tore me up for a long time. Now i realize he did me a favor.
However, I'm curious, do they ever reach out again years down the road? I'm not counting on it nor hoping for it but just wondering.
However, I'm curious, do they ever reach out again years down the road? I'm not counting on it nor hoping for it but just wondering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Washington
Posts: 25
Hi LexieCat.
Yep. I told him. (Once I FINALLY understood what was going on.) And you're right- it didn't do any good. As a matter of fact, that's when he started to avoid me, and eventually stop talking to me. Which still seems so insane to me since we were making plans to get married.
Since then, he's gone off the deep end, spiralled in his 2 addictions & now has another to boot.
I've been doing better slowly. We still have many of the same friends & work in the same field, so we can run into each other here & there. (Now we avoid each other). I'm sad because I feel as though I'm watching him die.
I didn't fall in love with an addict. I fell in love with a sweet, dreamy, intelligent, gentle, funny man who I respected, was proud of, and enjoyed being around.
It's hard to realize that guy has been eclipsed by something else, but that's what has happened.
Yep. I told him. (Once I FINALLY understood what was going on.) And you're right- it didn't do any good. As a matter of fact, that's when he started to avoid me, and eventually stop talking to me. Which still seems so insane to me since we were making plans to get married.
Since then, he's gone off the deep end, spiralled in his 2 addictions & now has another to boot.
I've been doing better slowly. We still have many of the same friends & work in the same field, so we can run into each other here & there. (Now we avoid each other). I'm sad because I feel as though I'm watching him die.
I didn't fall in love with an addict. I fell in love with a sweet, dreamy, intelligent, gentle, funny man who I respected, was proud of, and enjoyed being around.
It's hard to realize that guy has been eclipsed by something else, but that's what has happened.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by DG0409
You two are EXES.
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
When I first read your response last night, I stopped myself from replying right away....
Part of my recovery is choosing to respond of instead of reacting…..
In general, I also don't stay in contact with exes, but....depending on the circumstances, I have also known of others who are able to remain friends after a LONG period of No contact to process the romantic aspects of the union....
I realize that the concept of healthy and normal vary from person to person, but I'm still not sure how I feel about the blanket statement you made above?
I'm sure there may be something here for me to reflect on, given that I have so much to say about your statement and of course, I am TOTALLY willing to do that!
However, as it relates to the original poster, do I agree with you that reaching out to this individual is not in her best interest? Absolutely.
As I'm writing this, it just dawned on me that you may have been responding to Ever Hopeful’s post, and if that is the case, my initial thought was…Ok…what your suggesting may indeed be correct, but….
This individual is clearly upset over the loss of her relationship and it’s only been 4 months….The fact that her former partner was a part of her life, as well as her family’s life for 30 years must make this experience quite painful to deal with….
Pardon the digression, but haven’t we ALL been there at some point? Perhaps I am being too sensitive, but I would have appreciated it, if your feedback was communicated in a more sensitive tone…
Please know, I am not trying to be adversarial at all, (Believe me, most of us on here have had enough drama in our lives to last a life time and then some!)
So, I certainly wouldn’t want to create any problems…especially, because there are so many people on SR who are already suffering….
Before I became a member, I used to read the posts looking for something that I could identify with…
In fact, I still do!
So, what’s my point??
Well…..since this is a 12-step forum, may I offer the friendly reminder of “Say what you mean…
Mean what you say…but don’t say it mean?
I think this mantra applies to all of us no matter how long we’ve been here but especially for new comers who are still learning about this disease…
Respectfully,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Bewilderment
I don't mean to sound as if I don't appreciate all of the comments & advice we find on this forum, but I would like to interject something here after what I feel was an insensitive comment to someone under a thread that I originally posted.
(It is not the first time I felt someone new & in fresh shock & pain was sort of 'blasted' by an off the cuff comment from someone who had years of experience dealing with Addicts.)
If you have had much more experience with the agony of dealing with an Addict-- please remember that some people HAVE NOT. While things are obvious to you, it may be the first time others have ever seen or experienced these things, and they are desperate & on their last raw nerve by the time they have found, let alone Posted, on this forum.
As much as possible,Please be kind. We Newbies are listening- and we need your advice! But, not to be metaphorically slapped by your words.
In response to "it is not normal or healthy for exes to continue contact"-that is judgemental as well as incorrect. Plenty of healthy people do remain in contact, and develop valuable friendships with those they may not have been compatible with romantically.
So let's change that phrase to "it is not healthy to stay in unhealthy relationships."
Because that is what we are all really trying to deal with here.
It takes time- some days are better, some days worse. Sometimes you are doing great, and something will hit you out of the blue & knock the wind out of you.
Keep treating yourself well.
I wish everyone luck and to find your own new way through the mess.
After all, what is the alternative?
(It is not the first time I felt someone new & in fresh shock & pain was sort of 'blasted' by an off the cuff comment from someone who had years of experience dealing with Addicts.)
If you have had much more experience with the agony of dealing with an Addict-- please remember that some people HAVE NOT. While things are obvious to you, it may be the first time others have ever seen or experienced these things, and they are desperate & on their last raw nerve by the time they have found, let alone Posted, on this forum.
As much as possible,Please be kind. We Newbies are listening- and we need your advice! But, not to be metaphorically slapped by your words.
In response to "it is not normal or healthy for exes to continue contact"-that is judgemental as well as incorrect. Plenty of healthy people do remain in contact, and develop valuable friendships with those they may not have been compatible with romantically.
So let's change that phrase to "it is not healthy to stay in unhealthy relationships."
Because that is what we are all really trying to deal with here.
It takes time- some days are better, some days worse. Sometimes you are doing great, and something will hit you out of the blue & knock the wind out of you.
Keep treating yourself well.
I wish everyone luck and to find your own new way through the mess.
After all, what is the alternative?
Today, I spent most of my time sewing some curtains for a dear friend of mine and I was "debating" first, on whether or not I was going to express how I was feeling and once I decided I was going to, it was important to me to do so in a dignified way....
I couldn't be MORE grateful for the original poster for starting this thread, because, although I no longer reach out to my former boyfriend, I still need help reinforcing the idea that his choice not to speak with me is due to the progression of the disease and not because of my character.....
The person I am referring to is someone I knew as a pre-teen, so it's not that I wouldn't be disappointed if it was someone I met in my adult life...I suppose what I'm trying to say is, our past history as childhood friends and more recently as friends and eventually romantic partners, makes this a bit more significant to me....I hope I am making sense!
Without the disease, the person I am referring to is an otherwise, kindhearted, artistically talented man...HOWEVER, I will not allow my fond memories of him to delude my thinking....
In plain English, Alcoholism sucks like a vacuum.....
It knocks the emotional wind out of the people who love the alcoholic most and it robs the Alcoholic of who are what they really are...
A sick person, with a broken spirit who so desperately needs help....
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts....
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Not2Old2Learn
I have experienced the same. My XABF never contacted me again after he broke up with me almost 4 years ago. I went from being the best thing that ever happened to him to completely disposable. It tore me up for a long time. Now i realize he did me a favor.
However, I'm curious, do they ever reach out again years down the road? I'm not counting on it nor hoping for it but just wondering.
However, I'm curious, do they ever reach out again years down the road? I'm not counting on it nor hoping for it but just wondering.
It's been about 2 years since we split up and although, I'm in a much healthier place, but as you said, it has also "tore me up" for quite a while.....
I have the same curiosity as you do, but I'm not counting on it either
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Bewilderment
Hi LexieCat.
Yep. I told him. (Once I FINALLY understood what was going on.) And you're right- it didn't do any good. As a matter of fact, that's when he started to avoid me, and eventually stop talking to me. Which still seems so insane to me since we were making plans to get married.
Since then, he's gone off the deep end, spiralled in his 2 addictions & now has another to boot.
I've been doing better slowly. We still have many of the same friends & work in the same field, so we can run into each other here & there. (Now we avoid each other). I'm sad because I feel as though I'm watching him die.
I didn't fall in love with an addict. I fell in love with a sweet, dreamy, intelligent, gentle, funny man who I respected, was proud of, and enjoyed being around.
It's hard to realize that guy has been eclipsed by something else, but that's what has happened.
Yep. I told him. (Once I FINALLY understood what was going on.) And you're right- it didn't do any good. As a matter of fact, that's when he started to avoid me, and eventually stop talking to me. Which still seems so insane to me since we were making plans to get married.
Since then, he's gone off the deep end, spiralled in his 2 addictions & now has another to boot.
I've been doing better slowly. We still have many of the same friends & work in the same field, so we can run into each other here & there. (Now we avoid each other). I'm sad because I feel as though I'm watching him die.
I didn't fall in love with an addict. I fell in love with a sweet, dreamy, intelligent, gentle, funny man who I respected, was proud of, and enjoyed being around.
It's hard to realize that guy has been eclipsed by something else, but that's what has happened.
I can't help but think we are TOTALLY connecting here....
Our stories are identical....(well, with the exception of the idea that we did not have plans to marry, although we did talk about future and the fact that he thought I would make an excellent mother for the 3 kiddies he and I hoped to have someday...)
BUT...again, I will not delude myself with the fairy tail....
I felt so bad for you when I read the statement you made about him ceasing communication with you and you DID have wedding plans...
I know how upset I was, so I can only begin to imagine how you must have felt?
I was also very moved by your statement about the man you fell in love with....
I can totally relate to how you are feeling....
Thank you so much again for your candor....
I need you to know how much your words have helped me....
I wish you the very best...
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by DG0409
You two are EXES.
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact.
Why are you still continuing to try to contact him?
Thanks, all - I just wanted to clarify that!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
Not2Old2Learn, Diva76
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by unindated
Not2Old2Learn, Diva76
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
This makes SO much sense to me...Thank you for sharing this with us...
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by unindated
Not2Old2Learn, Diva76
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
But again, thanks for your post. It does give a glimmer of hope to those of us wondering if it will ever happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by unindated
Not2Old2Learn, Diva76
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
I too wonder if there will ever be a point where they reach out and show some sort of remorse or feel guilt
I did find the following that made me think that this maybe the reason why:
#2. You Are Not Prepared for the Guilt
After you have a few months of clear-headed living under your belt, you're going to have a night where you put your past under a microscope. And all the little slimy, deformed crawlies you find in there are going to make you want to vomit.
It will start with the obvious: feeling guilty about all of the booze-fueled ******** you shoveled on people. The pointless arguments at three in the morning. Waitresses who had to deal with you after pulling a 14-hour double. People you embarrassed by acting like an uncontrollable dumbass in public. Friends who took care of you when your head was dangerously close to sea level of an unflushed toilet.
But the next level will really get to you. You'll remember specific people who, at the time, seemed like the biggest assholes in the world. They criticized you. Made you feel worthless. Told you that you needed to grow up. Threatened to end their relationship with you if you didn't change. You'll remember thinking, "**** them! If they can't accept me for who I am, then they're not my friends." And that's when it hits home ...
The booze wasn't who you are. It was just something you did. Those people weren't trying to hurt you -- they were trying to ******* help you. They weren't the enemy ... they were the strongest line of defense you had, fighting tooth and nail to keep you alive, and you didn't even recognize it. At that point, if your gut doesn't drop into your shoes, there's a good chance that you were born of evil intent. Because if you're like the millions of addicts who all react in the same way, you cut them out of your life.
That guilt will follow you around until you do something about it. And I'll be straight with you here -- I just had to swallow my pride and start apologizing to people. Even the ones who had all of me they were willing to take for the rest of their lives, who I knew would simply give me the finger and say, "I told you so. Now **** off. I'd rather spend the day drawing close-up portraits of my dog's ******* than devoting a single minute to remembering the many ways you made my life suck."
If there's another way to deal with it, I haven't found it. I'm not sure there is one, because the truth is, it wasn't the alcohol making you do that. That was you. You destroyed those relationships. You were the one calling the shots, drunk or not. You were the one who pissed in the dolphin tank at SeaWorld in front of 200 screaming children. Quitting drinking does not wipe away those old emotional debts you racked up. You did the crime, and you are accountable for it. A celebrity entering rehab does not wipe away the time he vomited a slew of racial slurs on stage. It was not alcohol's fault. Beer did not introduce those thoughts into his brain. He did. And he damn sure owes an apology for it.
I needed to see this because I still have crying attacks...been waking UP in a crying attack last few days... the thought that he's just moved on, that this is real, that I really am ALL ALONE and will never see him again....
And it helps reinforce that he really did turn into a total abusive, irrational, crazy, ranting, hate-filled jerk...I didn't imagine it, I didnt deserve it...
ALSO, I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one having pain when I "should" be over it by now. I've ALWAYS had a rough time getting over this kind of breakup. Feeling like a jerk for having such a hard time letting go doesn't help.
Thank you un and Diva and everyone else.. (I'm on my mobile. Can't see everyone in this thread)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
I can't remember the exact webpage I got it from. It was from one of my many google searches based on my AF's behaviour. That was one that stuck out to me and I copied it into my email. I will see if I can find the full thing.
I found it difficult at first to look passed the intelligent, caring, funny person that I became friends with and couldn't believe the irrational, illogical person I found underneath. With the help of this forum, and plenty of other blogs, I realised I wasn't alone, and it wasn't necessarily a personal thing. This friend of mine helped me in a very difficult time for me, and towards the end of our friendship, when we became close, she made personal attacks on me that shocked me.
I've spent weeks trying to fill in the blanks, going backwards and forwards thinking about what was meant and what was not. She wouldn't explain a thing and I would leave conversations thinking that I was going insane. Looking back, I was even apologising for things that I had no reason to apologise for. She'd convinced me that I was the problem in certain instances.
I'll never know what was meant and what was not, but what I do now know is that I don't want somebody in my life who seemed so comfortable with the hurt they caused, the lies they told, and the manipulation and ignorance of reasonable questions I had based on their behaviour
I still have bursts of anger where I feel used, but I'm feeling a lot better then I was before I found this forum.
I found it difficult at first to look passed the intelligent, caring, funny person that I became friends with and couldn't believe the irrational, illogical person I found underneath. With the help of this forum, and plenty of other blogs, I realised I wasn't alone, and it wasn't necessarily a personal thing. This friend of mine helped me in a very difficult time for me, and towards the end of our friendship, when we became close, she made personal attacks on me that shocked me.
I've spent weeks trying to fill in the blanks, going backwards and forwards thinking about what was meant and what was not. She wouldn't explain a thing and I would leave conversations thinking that I was going insane. Looking back, I was even apologising for things that I had no reason to apologise for. She'd convinced me that I was the problem in certain instances.
I'll never know what was meant and what was not, but what I do now know is that I don't want somebody in my life who seemed so comfortable with the hurt they caused, the lies they told, and the manipulation and ignorance of reasonable questions I had based on their behaviour
I still have bursts of anger where I feel used, but I'm feeling a lot better then I was before I found this forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by unindated
I can't remember the exact webpage I got it from. It was from one of my many google searches based on my AF's behaviour. That was one that stuck out to me and I copied it into my email. I will see if I can find the full thing.
I found it difficult at first to look passed the intelligent, caring, funny person that I became friends with and couldn't believe the irrational, illogical person I found underneath. With the help of this forum, and plenty of other blogs, I realised I wasn't alone, and it wasn't necessarily a personal thing. This friend of mine helped me in a very difficult time for me, and towards the end of our friendship, when we became close, she made personal attacks on me that shocked me.
I've spent weeks trying to fill in the blanks, going backwards and forwards thinking about what was meant and what was not. She wouldn't explain a thing and I would leave conversations thinking that I was going insane. Looking back, I was even apologising for things that I had no reason to apologise for. She'd convinced me that I was the problem in certain instances.
I'll never know what was meant and what was not, but what I do now know is that I don't want somebody in my life who seemed so comfortable with the hurt they caused, the lies they told, and the manipulation and ignorance of reasonable questions I had based on their behaviour
I still have bursts of anger where I feel used, but I'm feeling a lot better then I was before I found this forum.
I found it difficult at first to look passed the intelligent, caring, funny person that I became friends with and couldn't believe the irrational, illogical person I found underneath. With the help of this forum, and plenty of other blogs, I realised I wasn't alone, and it wasn't necessarily a personal thing. This friend of mine helped me in a very difficult time for me, and towards the end of our friendship, when we became close, she made personal attacks on me that shocked me.
I've spent weeks trying to fill in the blanks, going backwards and forwards thinking about what was meant and what was not. She wouldn't explain a thing and I would leave conversations thinking that I was going insane. Looking back, I was even apologising for things that I had no reason to apologise for. She'd convinced me that I was the problem in certain instances.
I'll never know what was meant and what was not, but what I do now know is that I don't want somebody in my life who seemed so comfortable with the hurt they caused, the lies they told, and the manipulation and ignorance of reasonable questions I had based on their behaviour
I still have bursts of anger where I feel used, but I'm feeling a lot better then I was before I found this forum.
I WISH he had only been a friend-- then I wouldn't have this huge pile of love attachment and hopes and dreams to mourn. I get stuck in mourning, pain and grief. Cant even seem to *access* anger.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Hammer
Mrs. Hammer still pulls this crap on her mom. Her mom is the only one who still cares if she pulls this crap. Our daughter got some weird text messages like "Do you still love me?" "Have you quit talking to me?" etc. from her Granna (Mrs. Hammer's mom) a couple of weeks ago.
Turned out the messages were supposed to go to Mrs. Hammer. Granna called our daughter up all panicked asking our daughter to delete and not read them. Too Late. So we knew Mrs. Hammer was pulling some of this crap on Granna.
Mrs. Hammer's dad, me, and the kids, all quit caring so it does not work.
Turned out the messages were supposed to go to Mrs. Hammer. Granna called our daughter up all panicked asking our daughter to delete and not read them. Too Late. So we knew Mrs. Hammer was pulling some of this crap on Granna.
Mrs. Hammer's dad, me, and the kids, all quit caring so it does not work.
Sadly I don't think it's even all that related to drinking or drugs. It's just weird little games that some people do. I'll even go as far to say playing mind games IS the drug of choice for some.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I apologize if my post was too blunt or offended anyone. And I apologize in advance if this post offends anyone. I mean only to give MY perspective on it. I might be entirely wrong here, but I can only share how I view things. I tend to be a very direct, no BS sort over person and I apologize... I know that approach doesn't work for all. But sometimes, I think it can be very helpful, too. I am honestly not trying to be mean, simply trying to provide my perspective here. If it comes across as mean, please ignore and disregard as that is NOT what I am trying for. I admit that I don't always know the best way to say things, and reading my post below, I know that there are probably many things I could say or word better... but I'm not really sure how, so I am posting it as is in case my poor attempts at conveying my thoughts on it may be helpful to someone.
To clarify, my post was a response to the original post.
My line "You two are EXES" was a response to the question: "Why do they stop talking to you?"
I simply would expect my exes to stop talking to me, not because they are addicts or anything else, but because they are my ex. I think that breaking up with me is a sign that they no longer want me in their life and I no longer expect contact. Exes have no obligation to keep talking to me. Why would they continue talking to me once they've broken up with me?
I agree that my statement "It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact." may not be true in all cases. Yes, some people DO remain friends with their exes, but I feel this to be the rare exception to the rule, not the rule. I am guilty of posting the rule, and not listing the exceptions. Some people who have had romantic relationships do continue healthy contact. From my experience though, that is a very rare and unique situation. More commonly, I have seen people continuing contact after the relationship to be more of a problem for them. (I, personally, have been 'friends' with exes, or tried to and found that generally it did not work well.) Most relationships don't end with a mutual agreement that both people want it to end, and that leaves one person still interested in a relationship and the other one not still interested in the relationship. That is a very difficult dynamic to form a friendship on and I don't think that it is healthy.
So yes, there are exceptions... but I feel that what I said holds for most cases. Like saying that you should drive on the right side of the street (in the US). I assume people know that if there is a deer in their lane, maybe the rule doesn't apply, but that is the exception, not the normal circumstance.
Is it painful to have somebody break-up with you? Yes, of course. It hurts, it sucks, it's difficult. Is it hard to watch them move on? Of course. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain here.
The OP posted that her ex had entered into a relationship with another girl and asked her to marry him. Well, again, from my perspecitve, that is simply what exes do. They move on with their lives and enter into new relationships. Does it hurt to watch and hear about it? Sure does. Which is one reason why I'd recommend no contact so it's not something that needs to be worried about.
I think it is normal behavior for an ex to stop talking to their ex, move on and start new relationships.
If I broke up with a guy and he continued to contact me after I had made it clear I wanted no more contact, I would think he was a stalker and had serious problems. I would then double my efforts to have no contact. That is my perspective from the other side (dumper). The OP was trying to understand why her ex quit talking to her. I simply think it is because she is his ex. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her or value the time they had, but now he is ready to move on. Now, I am not trying to say the OP is a stalker here by any means, I have no idea as to the details of their relationships or how many times she's attempted contact, etc. Just trying to shine some light on how her ex MIGHT view things.
I didn't mean to sound harsh by asking why she continues (or perhaps had continued... I certainty don't know the details there either) to attempt contact, but I actually think it is a very valid question.
Even if the OP's ex would continue contact... what would happen once the OP was looking to get in a new relationship herself? Is the new guy going to be expected to be comfortable with the OP visiting, contacting and talking about her ex still? Most men I know would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. Is she then just going to stop contacting her ex just because she's in a new relationship? If so, what is the point in continuing contact now? Would she want to listen to her ex telling her how great the new girl is and how he wants to marry her? Would she want to go help him pick out a ring for the new girl?
In addition, what about his new gf that he wants to marry? If I was with a guy and his ex was contacting him, I'm not sure I'd want my bf still talking to his ex. Maybe his new girl isn't ok with that?
What is the OP looking to get out of talking to him? Does she want a relationship again? Does she want to just be 'friends' and watch him date others? I really think it could be beneficial for the OP to dig deep and try to figure out why she still wants contact, what she expects to get out of it, and whether or not what she hopes to get out of it is something that she actually would realistically even get if he did talk to her.
I wish nothing but the best to everyone reading this thread, especially Bewilderment.
Hugs to anyone dealing with the pain of a breakup. I do know how tough it is.
To clarify, my post was a response to the original post.
My line "You two are EXES" was a response to the question: "Why do they stop talking to you?"
I simply would expect my exes to stop talking to me, not because they are addicts or anything else, but because they are my ex. I think that breaking up with me is a sign that they no longer want me in their life and I no longer expect contact. Exes have no obligation to keep talking to me. Why would they continue talking to me once they've broken up with me?
I agree that my statement "It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact." may not be true in all cases. Yes, some people DO remain friends with their exes, but I feel this to be the rare exception to the rule, not the rule. I am guilty of posting the rule, and not listing the exceptions. Some people who have had romantic relationships do continue healthy contact. From my experience though, that is a very rare and unique situation. More commonly, I have seen people continuing contact after the relationship to be more of a problem for them. (I, personally, have been 'friends' with exes, or tried to and found that generally it did not work well.) Most relationships don't end with a mutual agreement that both people want it to end, and that leaves one person still interested in a relationship and the other one not still interested in the relationship. That is a very difficult dynamic to form a friendship on and I don't think that it is healthy.
So yes, there are exceptions... but I feel that what I said holds for most cases. Like saying that you should drive on the right side of the street (in the US). I assume people know that if there is a deer in their lane, maybe the rule doesn't apply, but that is the exception, not the normal circumstance.
Is it painful to have somebody break-up with you? Yes, of course. It hurts, it sucks, it's difficult. Is it hard to watch them move on? Of course. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain here.
The OP posted that her ex had entered into a relationship with another girl and asked her to marry him. Well, again, from my perspecitve, that is simply what exes do. They move on with their lives and enter into new relationships. Does it hurt to watch and hear about it? Sure does. Which is one reason why I'd recommend no contact so it's not something that needs to be worried about.
I think it is normal behavior for an ex to stop talking to their ex, move on and start new relationships.
If I broke up with a guy and he continued to contact me after I had made it clear I wanted no more contact, I would think he was a stalker and had serious problems. I would then double my efforts to have no contact. That is my perspective from the other side (dumper). The OP was trying to understand why her ex quit talking to her. I simply think it is because she is his ex. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her or value the time they had, but now he is ready to move on. Now, I am not trying to say the OP is a stalker here by any means, I have no idea as to the details of their relationships or how many times she's attempted contact, etc. Just trying to shine some light on how her ex MIGHT view things.
I didn't mean to sound harsh by asking why she continues (or perhaps had continued... I certainty don't know the details there either) to attempt contact, but I actually think it is a very valid question.
Even if the OP's ex would continue contact... what would happen once the OP was looking to get in a new relationship herself? Is the new guy going to be expected to be comfortable with the OP visiting, contacting and talking about her ex still? Most men I know would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. Is she then just going to stop contacting her ex just because she's in a new relationship? If so, what is the point in continuing contact now? Would she want to listen to her ex telling her how great the new girl is and how he wants to marry her? Would she want to go help him pick out a ring for the new girl?
In addition, what about his new gf that he wants to marry? If I was with a guy and his ex was contacting him, I'm not sure I'd want my bf still talking to his ex. Maybe his new girl isn't ok with that?
What is the OP looking to get out of talking to him? Does she want a relationship again? Does she want to just be 'friends' and watch him date others? I really think it could be beneficial for the OP to dig deep and try to figure out why she still wants contact, what she expects to get out of it, and whether or not what she hopes to get out of it is something that she actually would realistically even get if he did talk to her.
I wish nothing but the best to everyone reading this thread, especially Bewilderment.
Hugs to anyone dealing with the pain of a breakup. I do know how tough it is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by DG0409
I apologize if my post was too blunt or offended anyone. And I apologize in advance if this post offends anyone. I mean only to give MY perspective on it. I might be entirely wrong here, but I can only share how I view things. I tend to be a very direct, no BS sort over person and I apologize... I know that approach doesn't work for all. But sometimes, I think it can be very helpful, too. I am honestly not trying to be mean, simply trying to provide my perspective here. If it comes across as mean, please ignore and disregard as that is NOT what I am trying for. I admit that I don't always know the best way to say things, and reading my post below, I know that there are probably many things I could say or word better... but I'm not really sure how, so I am posting it as is in case my poor attempts at conveying my thoughts on it may be helpful to someone.
To clarify, my post was a response to the original post.
My line "You two are EXES" was a response to the question: "Why do they stop talking to you?"
I simply would expect my exes to stop talking to me, not because they are addicts or anything else, but because they are my ex. I think that breaking up with me is a sign that they no longer want me in their life and I no longer expect contact. Exes have no obligation to keep talking to me. Why would they continue talking to me once they've broken up with me?
I agree that my statement "It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact." may not be true in all cases. Yes, some people DO remain friends with their exes, but I feel this to be the rare exception to the rule, not the rule. I am guilty of posting the rule, and not listing the exceptions. Some people who have had romantic relationships do continue healthy contact. From my experience though, that is a very rare and unique situation. More commonly, I have seen people continuing contact after the relationship to be more of a problem for them. (I, personally, have been 'friends' with exes, or tried to and found that generally it did not work well.) Most relationships don't end with a mutual agreement that both people want it to end, and that leaves one person still interested in a relationship and the other one not still interested in the relationship. That is a very difficult dynamic to form a friendship on and I don't think that it is healthy.
So yes, there are exceptions... but I feel that what I said holds for most cases. Like saying that you should drive on the right side of the street (in the US). I assume people know that if there is a deer in their lane, maybe the rule doesn't apply, but that is the exception, not the normal circumstance.
Is it painful to have somebody break-up with you? Yes, of course. It hurts, it sucks, it's difficult. Is it hard to watch them move on? Of course. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain here.
The OP posted that her ex had entered into a relationship with another girl and asked her to marry him. Well, again, from my perspecitve, that is simply what exes do. They move on with their lives and enter into new relationships. Does it hurt to watch and hear about it? Sure does. Which is one reason why I'd recommend no contact so it's not something that needs to be worried about.
I think it is normal behavior for an ex to stop talking to their ex, move on and start new relationships.
If I broke up with a guy and he continued to contact me after I had made it clear I wanted no more contact, I would think he was a stalker and had serious problems. I would then double my efforts to have no contact. That is my perspective from the other side (dumper). The OP was trying to understand why her ex quit talking to her. I simply think it is because she is his ex. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her or value the time they had, but now he is ready to move on. Now, I am not trying to say the OP is a stalker here by any means, I have no idea as to the details of their relationships or how many times she's attempted contact, etc. Just trying to shine some light on how her ex MIGHT view things.
I didn't mean to sound harsh by asking why she continues (or perhaps had continued... I certainty don't know the details there either) to attempt contact, but I actually think it is a very valid question.
Even if the OP's ex would continue contact... what would happen once the OP was looking to get in a new relationship herself? Is the new guy going to be expected to be comfortable with the OP visiting, contacting and talking about her ex still? Most men I know would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. Is she then just going to stop contacting her ex just because she's in a new relationship? If so, what is the point in continuing contact now? Would she want to listen to her ex telling her how great the new girl is and how he wants to marry her? Would she want to go help him pick out a ring for the new girl?
In addition, what about his new gf that he wants to marry? If I was with a guy and his ex was contacting him, I'm not sure I'd want my bf still talking to his ex. Maybe his new girl isn't ok with that?
What is the OP looking to get out of talking to him? Does she want a relationship again? Does she want to just be 'friends' and watch him date others? I really think it could be beneficial for the OP to dig deep and try to figure out why she still wants contact, what she expects to get out of it, and whether or not what she hopes to get out of it is something that she actually would realistically even get if he did talk to her.
I wish nothing but the best to everyone reading this thread, especially Bewilderment.
Hugs to anyone dealing with the pain of a breakup. I do know how tough it is.
To clarify, my post was a response to the original post.
My line "You two are EXES" was a response to the question: "Why do they stop talking to you?"
I simply would expect my exes to stop talking to me, not because they are addicts or anything else, but because they are my ex. I think that breaking up with me is a sign that they no longer want me in their life and I no longer expect contact. Exes have no obligation to keep talking to me. Why would they continue talking to me once they've broken up with me?
I agree that my statement "It is not healthy or normal for exes to continue contact." may not be true in all cases. Yes, some people DO remain friends with their exes, but I feel this to be the rare exception to the rule, not the rule. I am guilty of posting the rule, and not listing the exceptions. Some people who have had romantic relationships do continue healthy contact. From my experience though, that is a very rare and unique situation. More commonly, I have seen people continuing contact after the relationship to be more of a problem for them. (I, personally, have been 'friends' with exes, or tried to and found that generally it did not work well.) Most relationships don't end with a mutual agreement that both people want it to end, and that leaves one person still interested in a relationship and the other one not still interested in the relationship. That is a very difficult dynamic to form a friendship on and I don't think that it is healthy.
So yes, there are exceptions... but I feel that what I said holds for most cases. Like saying that you should drive on the right side of the street (in the US). I assume people know that if there is a deer in their lane, maybe the rule doesn't apply, but that is the exception, not the normal circumstance.
Is it painful to have somebody break-up with you? Yes, of course. It hurts, it sucks, it's difficult. Is it hard to watch them move on? Of course. I am not trying to minimize anyone's pain here.
The OP posted that her ex had entered into a relationship with another girl and asked her to marry him. Well, again, from my perspecitve, that is simply what exes do. They move on with their lives and enter into new relationships. Does it hurt to watch and hear about it? Sure does. Which is one reason why I'd recommend no contact so it's not something that needs to be worried about.
I think it is normal behavior for an ex to stop talking to their ex, move on and start new relationships.
If I broke up with a guy and he continued to contact me after I had made it clear I wanted no more contact, I would think he was a stalker and had serious problems. I would then double my efforts to have no contact. That is my perspective from the other side (dumper). The OP was trying to understand why her ex quit talking to her. I simply think it is because she is his ex. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her or value the time they had, but now he is ready to move on. Now, I am not trying to say the OP is a stalker here by any means, I have no idea as to the details of their relationships or how many times she's attempted contact, etc. Just trying to shine some light on how her ex MIGHT view things.
I didn't mean to sound harsh by asking why she continues (or perhaps had continued... I certainty don't know the details there either) to attempt contact, but I actually think it is a very valid question.
Even if the OP's ex would continue contact... what would happen once the OP was looking to get in a new relationship herself? Is the new guy going to be expected to be comfortable with the OP visiting, contacting and talking about her ex still? Most men I know would be highly uncomfortable in that situation. Is she then just going to stop contacting her ex just because she's in a new relationship? If so, what is the point in continuing contact now? Would she want to listen to her ex telling her how great the new girl is and how he wants to marry her? Would she want to go help him pick out a ring for the new girl?
In addition, what about his new gf that he wants to marry? If I was with a guy and his ex was contacting him, I'm not sure I'd want my bf still talking to his ex. Maybe his new girl isn't ok with that?
What is the OP looking to get out of talking to him? Does she want a relationship again? Does she want to just be 'friends' and watch him date others? I really think it could be beneficial for the OP to dig deep and try to figure out why she still wants contact, what she expects to get out of it, and whether or not what she hopes to get out of it is something that she actually would realistically even get if he did talk to her.
I wish nothing but the best to everyone reading this thread, especially Bewilderment.
Hugs to anyone dealing with the pain of a breakup. I do know how tough it is.
I hope this note finds you well....
I think you made a lot of valid points in your follow-up post...
However, in the original poster's case, it appears that the person she was involved with cut contact with her because the "demon won", so to speak....
From my perspective, some of the other responses discuss this very thing....
So, I feel your commentary above does not apply to this particular set of circumstances, but can certainly apply to other situations....
Oh well....
As the saying goes, Breaking up is hard to do;(
All the best,
Linda
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