888 pancakes

Hi everyone - I originally posted this is in the alcoholism section but was suggested that I move it here... Thanks, PC.

***
Wow, it's been a while since I posted here. For the record, I quit drinking end of May/early June 2011. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since. So, I'm around 2 years sober though honestly it feels like it's been years and years... I also quit smoking last June, 2012. A year off the nicotine as well. Still miss both substances and realize I probably will miss them for the rest of my years. But I know I can't go back to either because it would mark the beginning of the end for me.

My partner quit drinking a bit after me. I believe it's been a year and a half for her, of sobriety. She quit because her life was in danger when she drank. One night she cut up her legs after a night of heavy drinking and was hospitalized. Another night she fell down on the sidewalk and hit her head, collapsing in her vomit, having to be assisted by strangers to get her home. She has been emotionally abusive to me when she's been drunk. She's like a different person and honestly, I can't say she's someone I like when she drinks. She attended AA meetings for around 6 months and they seemed to help her stay on track. But she kept fighting against it - she kept saying that sobriety was "too extreme" and that she was missing out on truly living, having fun, letting loose. She kept saying that she didn't believe sobriety was a natural state for anyone and that maybe now, after a period of sober reflection, she could do it differently. Now, she thinks she can do it in a controlled manner. I told her that hearing that made me think of an arsonist saying that they were going to light "small, contained fires." And she smiled at the analogy but nevertheless, she's going down this road, as of yesterday.

Yesterday she went out for a big social function with friends. She decided to test her theory and she had "4 drinks." I suspect that her so-called 4 drinks weren't bottles but rather, pints, so she went out yesterday and consumed a six pack, essentially. Today she was all smiles and acting all-happy-go-lucky. She believes she's choosing freedom, choosing life. Choosing not to live in the "extreme" of sobriety. She's choosing to believe that alcohol is neutral to her, that it's not a problem.

We were supposed to spend the day together but I felt blindsided by this decision of hers and needed to come home (we live in the same apt building but not together) to frankly, have a cry. I feel worried. I feel like this is the beginning of the end for her. I'm scared for her safety, her well-being, and her life. I've told her all of this in an e-mail and she has replied with "I'm sick of being scared of my past. I need to trust myself again. I'm sick of living in fear of myself."

So basically she's telling me that this is the road she's going down and if I don't like it, well... that's the unclear part. And that's what has brought me back to this forum. I feel like this is a deal-breaker for me. I don't want to watch happens from here. And I know I can't stop her. I feel like just bowing out, though. Just walking away. I do not want to witness the kinds of things I've witnessed from her in the past. She's sick of being scared of her past but some of us (me) ARE still just plain scared of her past and what's more is, it wasn't that long ago either...

Any advice would be much appreciated. Feel a bit lost and confused.

Thanks,
Pancakes

aw58

Hi I have been where she is now, I too thought I could control it and I did for a while but it soon crept up . I am on day 3 of AF and its so hard having to start again my carving today was so bad I was fighting a monster. I think you are right to be worried, but the more you try to control her the more she will rebel. I pray for hers and yours sake she can control it but I don't think many can , good luck

LexieCat

It sounds like a very reasonable deal-breaker to me. I'm almost five years sober, was in two alcoholic marriages, and I am NEVER going down that road again. My sobriety is too important, having peace and an absence of drama in my life is too important.

She knows where to get help if/when she is finally ready. It took me quite a while to decide I needed to QUIT drinking, and I suspect it did you, too. Everyone has their own timetable and sadly there is no way to hurry it along.

888 pancakes

thanks for the replies.
aw58, it saddens me to read to your story - that's my concern for her, the place she'll inevitably end up in...
lexie: I hear you... i don't think my heart likes the answer to the deal-breaker question but it feels like my heart knows what the answer is - quite clearly, in fact. in this case, the heart knows what it doesn't want. and what it doesn't want is to watch her fall apart, whether slowly or quickly, over time... just can't.

izzyrose05

So sorry to hear of your partner's relapse. It is agonizing to have to witness over and over again and agonizing to have to say goodbye. I understand your situation well as I have just walked away from the same thing. For whatever it's worth, I agree with you. Bow out, go home, don't watch her destroy herself. Maybe it will take losing you to find her bottom. Maybe!! Maybe not. Either way, please take care of yourself and your sobriety and congratulations on staying sober for two years. That is AWESOME!!

Recovering2

I don't see your decision as "walking away". You have your own sobriety to protect (congrats on 2yrs!). Sounds like she made a decision for herself, no matter what the consequences may be for the relationship. It's her choice to drink, and it's your choice to decide you can't be in a relationship with someone who's drinking. That's a healthy boundary for someone in recovery. Not an easy choice perhaps, but the right one. It won't be long before she learns what we all know already, you can't control it. Her plan will work for a short while, and then she'll be back where she started.

Wish her well, and let her continue on her own journey. Stay true to your journey. Best wishes to you.

888 pancakes

thanks so much, everyone. i appreciate the feedback. she and i haven't had contact since yesterday eve. i told her that while she may be "sick of being scared of her past," that i'm still in fact very much scared of it and also pointed out that it wasn't that long ago. she replied with an "ok" and that's it, nothing else since. i think the bottom line for me is that i don't believe i can be with someone who is in denial about their drinking. i'm old enough now to not only recognize the huge red flag around that but to also want to stay clear of it.

fedupbeyondall

If someone had given me a crystal ball that would show me what the last 7 years of my life would be like on my wedding day, I would have run straight for the hills. In a way you have a crystal ball, you've seen where the road she is on goes. Your only choice this time is if you want to walk down it with her.