Flashbacks
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Flashbacks
I don't know why I need to post this, but I do. Maybe so that I can actually see it, visualize it on paper. Whatever.
I am out of my "relationship"? for over 4 years, divorced 2 1/2. Was married for 27.
I threw my back out the other day putting in an A/C. Stupidity on my part, should have moved the couch so that I could pick A/C straight up to put it in.
But anyway, that is not what I am posting about. That happened 2 days ago so I have really been out of commission since that time.
D@mn, having back pains and throwing your back out are 2 very different things. Back pains are a chronic thing, what I have is I feel fine unless I move and God forbid I have to get up or sit down. So had a lot of time to think.
Now I always get flashbacks but this one doesn't seem to want to leave me, maybe because it has to do with my back.
The first time my ex physically assaulted me was in 1996. We were already married 13 years. Oh yes, prior to this there was verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse, maybe even some more, but I didn't even recognize any of the above abuses at that time. Some of them I can see now, and there might have been more then, but I didn't see it. Even after the attack that night, I still didn't believe or think he was abusive till 2004. 8 yrs later.
I don't even know what started the fight that day. Maybe I stupidly offered an opinion or a view. I know at that time I was already walking on eggshells, I just didn't know why.
Well he started drinking early, possibly by 10am. Things just started getting worse and worse. I tried talking to him. He was just ripping me apart, I asked him if he even cared about me, and how can he say those things to me. He screamed, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, HOW CAN ANYONE CARE ABOUT YOU, LOOK AT YOU, YOU ARE DISGUSTING". Well, I then started drinking. Yep, trying to numb myself, I'm sure some people here know that drill. The silent treatment started, by him, not me. I took my beers to my shed. I needed to stay away from him. I didn't want to engage anymore, and needed to lick my wounds. I actually thought that if I left him alone for awhile that he would come to his senses again. (lol)
I stayed away for about 6 hours. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted this stupid fight to be over with. So I went back into the house.
I went into the house thru the garage, that went into our den (my room), he was usually in the living room (his room). But he was waiting there for me. He was watching baseball, pretended not to see me, so I stood in front of the tv, and asked him if we could discuss things. Well apparently he missed a great play in the game. He got up, pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs, my kids came running in, they were 8 and 11. He just told them that I fell, and that he was going to sleep. And he did. It was about 8pm or earlier.
I stayed up and remembered all the things he was telling me. That I am a lousy wife, lousy mother, I don't do anything in the house, I don't clean, I don't cook, etc, etc, etc...... It was the total opposite of the truth. I worked full time, worked overtime, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did wash, did ironing, did everything. I was also stripping all the woodwork in the house, staining it, painting, but that is all besides the point. I BELIEVED HIM.
So, I told my kids, that yes I did fall, I got them to bed a little later, then I started to really clean the house, wash the floors, do the laundry......
My 8 yr old daughter got up at 1pm. She found me down the basement doing laundry. She asked me to promise her that I would not commit suicide. I promised her this, got her back to sleep, then finally went to sleep myself, on a couch, not in my bed.
So, ok, now the weekend is coming up, it's the 4th of July weekend, (now that I think of it maybe that is another reason this flashback came), his family is coming to visit, and they are staying over.
He wouldn't talk to me at all the day after he pushed and kicked me, then the next day, his family came over. He never left my side. Had his arm around me the entire time. He apologized, and d@mnit, I fell for it, but not all the way, just enough to keep my mouth shut. Since they were staying over I had to sleep in our room. I slept on the bathroom floor in our room. It didn't even bother him.
About 2 months later we had taken the kids to an amusement park. I had to sit down, my back was still bothering me from that kick. It hurt so bad, I wasn't crying but I had tears in my eyes because of the pain. I told him about it, and talked about that day. He told me that he was so embarrassed that he did that, and that he never wanted to hurt me like that again, and that he didn't bring it up himself, because he didn't want to think of himself like that. Well, hook, line, and sinker, I fell for it again. And I got a big screen tv for my kids for that one, that even with my bad back, I helped him carry that down to the basement for the kids.
He didn't lay a hand on me again till 2004, but by that time with the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse, I really didn't even care. He apologized sooner if he saw the damage.
So again, don't know why I had to post this, just did. Maybe for validation for me, maybe so that someone else can see themselves in this.
I am out of my "relationship"? for over 4 years, divorced 2 1/2. Was married for 27.
I threw my back out the other day putting in an A/C. Stupidity on my part, should have moved the couch so that I could pick A/C straight up to put it in.
But anyway, that is not what I am posting about. That happened 2 days ago so I have really been out of commission since that time.
D@mn, having back pains and throwing your back out are 2 very different things. Back pains are a chronic thing, what I have is I feel fine unless I move and God forbid I have to get up or sit down. So had a lot of time to think.
Now I always get flashbacks but this one doesn't seem to want to leave me, maybe because it has to do with my back.
The first time my ex physically assaulted me was in 1996. We were already married 13 years. Oh yes, prior to this there was verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse, maybe even some more, but I didn't even recognize any of the above abuses at that time. Some of them I can see now, and there might have been more then, but I didn't see it. Even after the attack that night, I still didn't believe or think he was abusive till 2004. 8 yrs later.
I don't even know what started the fight that day. Maybe I stupidly offered an opinion or a view. I know at that time I was already walking on eggshells, I just didn't know why.
Well he started drinking early, possibly by 10am. Things just started getting worse and worse. I tried talking to him. He was just ripping me apart, I asked him if he even cared about me, and how can he say those things to me. He screamed, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, HOW CAN ANYONE CARE ABOUT YOU, LOOK AT YOU, YOU ARE DISGUSTING". Well, I then started drinking. Yep, trying to numb myself, I'm sure some people here know that drill. The silent treatment started, by him, not me. I took my beers to my shed. I needed to stay away from him. I didn't want to engage anymore, and needed to lick my wounds. I actually thought that if I left him alone for awhile that he would come to his senses again. (lol)
I stayed away for about 6 hours. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted this stupid fight to be over with. So I went back into the house.
I went into the house thru the garage, that went into our den (my room), he was usually in the living room (his room). But he was waiting there for me. He was watching baseball, pretended not to see me, so I stood in front of the tv, and asked him if we could discuss things. Well apparently he missed a great play in the game. He got up, pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs, my kids came running in, they were 8 and 11. He just told them that I fell, and that he was going to sleep. And he did. It was about 8pm or earlier.
I stayed up and remembered all the things he was telling me. That I am a lousy wife, lousy mother, I don't do anything in the house, I don't clean, I don't cook, etc, etc, etc...... It was the total opposite of the truth. I worked full time, worked overtime, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did wash, did ironing, did everything. I was also stripping all the woodwork in the house, staining it, painting, but that is all besides the point. I BELIEVED HIM.
So, I told my kids, that yes I did fall, I got them to bed a little later, then I started to really clean the house, wash the floors, do the laundry......
My 8 yr old daughter got up at 1pm. She found me down the basement doing laundry. She asked me to promise her that I would not commit suicide. I promised her this, got her back to sleep, then finally went to sleep myself, on a couch, not in my bed.
So, ok, now the weekend is coming up, it's the 4th of July weekend, (now that I think of it maybe that is another reason this flashback came), his family is coming to visit, and they are staying over.
He wouldn't talk to me at all the day after he pushed and kicked me, then the next day, his family came over. He never left my side. Had his arm around me the entire time. He apologized, and d@mnit, I fell for it, but not all the way, just enough to keep my mouth shut. Since they were staying over I had to sleep in our room. I slept on the bathroom floor in our room. It didn't even bother him.
About 2 months later we had taken the kids to an amusement park. I had to sit down, my back was still bothering me from that kick. It hurt so bad, I wasn't crying but I had tears in my eyes because of the pain. I told him about it, and talked about that day. He told me that he was so embarrassed that he did that, and that he never wanted to hurt me like that again, and that he didn't bring it up himself, because he didn't want to think of himself like that. Well, hook, line, and sinker, I fell for it again. And I got a big screen tv for my kids for that one, that even with my bad back, I helped him carry that down to the basement for the kids.
He didn't lay a hand on me again till 2004, but by that time with the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse, I really didn't even care. He apologized sooner if he saw the damage.
So again, don't know why I had to post this, just did. Maybe for validation for me, maybe so that someone else can see themselves in this.
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I'm so sorry all that happened to you, Amy. I don't think it's that unusual for the abused to have flashbacks--it's all part of PTSD.
This is something I'm always trying to get across to the cops and prosecutors I'm training. Almost NOBODY calls the police the first time it happens, or the second, or the third. Usually it has gone on again and again and again--so many people in the system treat incidents like they happened in isolation. Usually the incident that brings the police is only the very tip of the iceberg.
I'm sorry you hurt your back, too. My back is still giving me some problems after I pulled a muscle riding and then aggravated it by going on an hours-long ride. Until you hurt your back you don't realize that EVERY movement you make can cause pain there.
Thanks for sharing your story, as painful as it must have been to write it. I hope anyone else in a similar situation finds a way to make it out safely.
Hugs,
This is something I'm always trying to get across to the cops and prosecutors I'm training. Almost NOBODY calls the police the first time it happens, or the second, or the third. Usually it has gone on again and again and again--so many people in the system treat incidents like they happened in isolation. Usually the incident that brings the police is only the very tip of the iceberg.
I'm sorry you hurt your back, too. My back is still giving me some problems after I pulled a muscle riding and then aggravated it by going on an hours-long ride. Until you hurt your back you don't realize that EVERY movement you make can cause pain there.
Thanks for sharing your story, as painful as it must have been to write it. I hope anyone else in a similar situation finds a way to make it out safely.
Hugs,
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Lexie,
You are absolutely right about when people might actually contact the police. I didn't do it that time, I didn't do it the time that I left and stayed at a dv shelter. There were also many other numerous incidences that I didn't do it. I felt like it was my fault. Then I did actually call 911 for a black eye. Then didn't for the next worrying that he might lose his job. It was actually cathartic for me to write this stuff.
And I can deal with back pain, I will always have it, it's just the throwing out the back thing, can't get used to that. It's like everytime you try to use your back to get up out of a seat, or to sit down, its like the back pains when you go thru labor. I am fine sitting, even standing, just don't move the back.
But I guess sometimes I do post things like this, because it took me so many years to actually recognize abuse. You get married, you so want to believe the other person has your best interest at heart. You don't want to admit that you are a failure, so you keep trying to do better and better, never knowing, that you can never do better. That it's not you.
You are absolutely right about when people might actually contact the police. I didn't do it that time, I didn't do it the time that I left and stayed at a dv shelter. There were also many other numerous incidences that I didn't do it. I felt like it was my fault. Then I did actually call 911 for a black eye. Then didn't for the next worrying that he might lose his job. It was actually cathartic for me to write this stuff.
And I can deal with back pain, I will always have it, it's just the throwing out the back thing, can't get used to that. It's like everytime you try to use your back to get up out of a seat, or to sit down, its like the back pains when you go thru labor. I am fine sitting, even standing, just don't move the back.
But I guess sometimes I do post things like this, because it took me so many years to actually recognize abuse. You get married, you so want to believe the other person has your best interest at heart. You don't want to admit that you are a failure, so you keep trying to do better and better, never knowing, that you can never do better. That it's not you.
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Amy, I relate so much to what you are saying. I to believed I was a failure, that if I had just done everything right, then it would get better, he wouldn't drink and yell at me. But when I had everything done right in the house he would then pick on things that I couldn't control like walking to heavy, breathing too loudly, snoring ... I used to dread the times when he would drink, because absolutely everything he 'thought' I had done wrong would come out. In my case it has only been a few months, and I am still struggling with my self esteem, he had this way of making me feel like the stupidest ugliest person in the world when he was drunk. Sober, he could be so amazing. It was such a struggle.
Lexie, I am glad that people like you are training, because it took me a long time too to finally go to the police, and even then I still felt like it was my fault that he hit me.
Lexie, I am glad that people like you are training, because it took me a long time too to finally go to the police, and even then I still felt like it was my fault that he hit me.
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Originally Posted by iamthird 
Im crying reading your post. I do not have the courage yet to be able to put mine into writing. I guess that helps me stay in denial! Thank you for being brave enough to do so...I aspire to be like you!
I was in denial for at least 23 years. I didn't want to believe anything. Always wanted to believe it was me, because I can fix "me".
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Originally Posted by sunshine17
Amy, I relate so much to what you are saying. I to believed I was a failure, that if I had just done everything right, then it would get better, he wouldn't drink and yell at me. But when I had everything done right in the house he would then pick on things that I couldn't control like walking to heavy, breathing too loudly, snoring ... I used to dread the times when he would drink, because absolutely everything he 'thought' I had done wrong would come out. In my case it has only been a few months, and I am still struggling with my self esteem, he had this way of making me feel like the stupidest ugliest person in the world when he was drunk. Sober, he could be so amazing. It was such a struggle.
Lexie, I am glad that people like you are training, because it took me a long time too to finally go to the police, and even then I still felt like it was my fault that he hit me.
Lexie, I am glad that people like you are training, because it took me a long time too to finally go to the police, and even then I still felt like it was my fault that he hit me.
Pls leave now. I don't like to give advice, but I think that you already know this. You already figured it out. Good for you. Proud of you.
PS-------- I think you are an amazing beautiful intelligent person.
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Originally Posted by iamthird
Im crying reading your post. I do not have the courage yet to be able to put mine into writing. I guess that helps me stay in denial! Thank you for being brave enough to do so...I aspire to be like you!
Here for you anytime you need support.
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Originally Posted by sunshine17
Unfortunately Amy I was with him for 4 years....sorry I wasn't clear...it has only been a few months since he was arrested and went to jail.
OK, 4 months, 4 years, 40 years, they are still the same. Like I said in a brief incident of mine, I was already afraid to say things, already walking on eggshells.
My destiny from the time I married him and perhaps even before, (afraid to actually explore that now) was that He was going to control me.
Things got even worse, when I started to open my mouth, before that he just destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I started to stand up to him, and he had to hit harder.
If I want to think that far back, it was happening before we were married. I remember times that he was driving, and I would tell him to pull over, and I got out of the car, and I was labeled nuts for this. I don't think I was
Maybe at the time I did, but not now.
I can see things like this happening in a week or less. We trust too much.
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I just received an email this morning that one of the young women we met in Fiji has died in an apparent murder-suicide. There are no details in the news--the media have not yet identified her and her partner. I got word through one of my colleagues with whom I traveled to Fiji, who in turn got the news from one of the other activist women we met there.
This young woman was actively working on combatting domestic violence in that country. Very, very sad. She was 32.
This young woman was actively working on combatting domestic violence in that country. Very, very sad. She was 32.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I just received an email this morning that one of the young women we met in Fiji has died in an apparent murder-suicide. There are no details in the news--the media have not yet identified her and her partner. I got word through one of my colleagues with whom I traveled to Fiji, who in turn got the news from one of the other activist women we met there.
This young woman was actively working on combatting domestic violence in that country. Very, very sad. She was 32.
This young woman was actively working on combatting domestic violence in that country. Very, very sad. She was 32.
I know I am somewhat older, actually age 57. People do not want to hear about domestic violence. I have heard so many times, you made your bed, now lay in it.
Would like to say that I admire the courage of that young woman. May she rest in peace, and may the work that she was doing carry on.
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Yanno, I have to be totally truthful here. I am a RA. When I was married, yes my ex is a alcoholic, so was I. I actually feel bad about posting here because I can't really attach myself to living with an alcoholic. I left because my relationship was abusive. I left because I got to the point of not caring if I lived or died. I left because I knew that I might seriously hurt him, if not kill him. That is how bad it got for me. And yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Stockhom Syndrome, depression, and etc....
Now I know that every alcoholic is not abusive. They are two separate things. And actually alcoholism might be more easily dealt with then an abusive personality.
People who abuse, yes, there is a control thing. It's a learned behavior. Try to undo that is like trying to teach a person another language that they don't want to learn. It's not doable.
Do I think that my ex really wanted to abuse me? the answer is "no", but he didn't know any other way, and wasn't about to start learning. You see, just like with an alcoholic, they don't see anything wrong with them. Now with an alcoholic, you just need to put down the drink. With some one who is abusive, you need to teach him a different language. God only knows how long that will take, maybe several years, and that is only if they are willing.
I post on here not because of an alcoholic spouse, or boyfriend, girlfriend, but because of abuse. They are two totally different things.
At first my ex was only abusive when he drank, then, I guess kindling effect, or feeling comfortable, became abusive whenever he wanted to.
Now I know that every alcoholic is not abusive. They are two separate things. And actually alcoholism might be more easily dealt with then an abusive personality.
People who abuse, yes, there is a control thing. It's a learned behavior. Try to undo that is like trying to teach a person another language that they don't want to learn. It's not doable.
Do I think that my ex really wanted to abuse me? the answer is "no", but he didn't know any other way, and wasn't about to start learning. You see, just like with an alcoholic, they don't see anything wrong with them. Now with an alcoholic, you just need to put down the drink. With some one who is abusive, you need to teach him a different language. God only knows how long that will take, maybe several years, and that is only if they are willing.
I post on here not because of an alcoholic spouse, or boyfriend, girlfriend, but because of abuse. They are two totally different things.
At first my ex was only abusive when he drank, then, I guess kindling effect, or feeling comfortable, became abusive whenever he wanted to.
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Now age 44. I got an early out retirement from my job. This was 9/99. I still was in denial. Just knew that I wasn't happy in my marriage. Just knew that a few months ago that I actually tried to drive my car into a pole. Knew something was physically wrong with me, got the insurance books out, looked for a doc, then next day, they were gone.
No longer cared, knew I was getting suicidal, so if I could die of a medical reason, all the better.
I know that statement above was confusing, just trying to make it short.
I retired, stayed home, it was agreed upon.
He spent more time working at home, would follow me everywhere. I smoked, so I went out to the garage alot. He would follow. I was bleeding heavily. Sorry for this, but could actually count the blood clots that were passing thru me.
I went to the garage one time, cause I just couldn't take him being home anymore. He followed me. Called me a f.....cking ugly witch. I walked around to the front door to get back in, he followed me. Got right up into my face, and screamed at me, do you think I want to hurt you? I would never hurt you. I ran up the stairs, got into the bathroom, and locked the door. He kicked the door in while screaming, I will never hurt you.
No longer cared, knew I was getting suicidal, so if I could die of a medical reason, all the better.
I know that statement above was confusing, just trying to make it short.
I retired, stayed home, it was agreed upon.
He spent more time working at home, would follow me everywhere. I smoked, so I went out to the garage alot. He would follow. I was bleeding heavily. Sorry for this, but could actually count the blood clots that were passing thru me.
I went to the garage one time, cause I just couldn't take him being home anymore. He followed me. Called me a f.....cking ugly witch. I walked around to the front door to get back in, he followed me. Got right up into my face, and screamed at me, do you think I want to hurt you? I would never hurt you. I ran up the stairs, got into the bathroom, and locked the door. He kicked the door in while screaming, I will never hurt you.
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Would you believe that I still did not believe I was being abused? So a month later he is planning a trip to Ireland for 4 people. Got everything set up. His brother drops out because he is afraid to fly. So I stupidly ask if I can go. I can set up my mother for watching the kids, no problem. He told me no.
So the 2 weeks he was gone, I tried to prove to myself that I don't need him. My back hurts everyday, I have no energy at all, and I have constant blood clots, thought i was going through my changes.
He comes back, we have some beers, he bought me a new wedding ring, I told him I want a divorce, I have everything planned out. Got a place to stay.
So the 2 weeks he was gone, I tried to prove to myself that I don't need him. My back hurts everyday, I have no energy at all, and I have constant blood clots, thought i was going through my changes.
He comes back, we have some beers, he bought me a new wedding ring, I told him I want a divorce, I have everything planned out. Got a place to stay.
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Still never heard the word "abuse". Just knew I wasn't feeling ok with this situation. But like I said, I had the blood clots, like a really heavy period.
Now we have a computer, researched this. It was stage 3 b cervical cancer. Remember when I was talking about just killing myself but I knew at that time a year ago that something was wrong with me !!!!
Well this was it. So I go to a doctor to finally get a diagnosis, yes it is 3b cervical cancer, they also want me to get a mamagram. It's also breast cancer, only stage 1.
Now we have a computer, researched this. It was stage 3 b cervical cancer. Remember when I was talking about just killing myself but I knew at that time a year ago that something was wrong with me !!!!
Well this was it. So I go to a doctor to finally get a diagnosis, yes it is 3b cervical cancer, they also want me to get a mamagram. It's also breast cancer, only stage 1.
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So now I have to undergo treatment for this. I guess you already figured out that I did not leave when I wanted to and had the chance.
Was still in denial about abuse.
He was perfect. Took care of everything in the house. Took care of the kids.
But he knew that was was supposed to do. Also had a good friend of mine that would come to check on me. Well, I slept alot because of chemo and radiation. They would sit on the deck for hours each night with her praising him for all the help he was giving me.
This was what he wanted, he wanted praise.
And no, they never got together, because she was crazier then him.
Was still in denial about abuse.
He was perfect. Took care of everything in the house. Took care of the kids.
But he knew that was was supposed to do. Also had a good friend of mine that would come to check on me. Well, I slept alot because of chemo and radiation. They would sit on the deck for hours each night with her praising him for all the help he was giving me.
This was what he wanted, he wanted praise.
And no, they never got together, because she was crazier then him.
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So as I said he was somewhat perfect through all of that. I had a setback between my treatments, I developed a blood clot in my leg, DVT, (deep vein thrombosis). It was in the middle of both of my cancer treatments.
My leg swelled up where I could just about walk. If I had to put it down to weight, I had about 25 lbs of water weight in my leg.
This happened in beginning of July 2000.
August 25th, 2000, my exes birthday. My leg started to really improve. I was almost normal. Was going to surprise him, made dinner, had kids go over friends house, wore baby doll PJ's, .....
he didn't come home till midnight.
we didn't have sex since feb. With the cervical cancer it was too painful, wanted to try for his birthday.
talked to him the next day to tell him I was upset that he came home drunk. Told him about what I had planned. His response was, "It was my birthday, you could have
sux-ed me.
My leg swelled up where I could just about walk. If I had to put it down to weight, I had about 25 lbs of water weight in my leg.
This happened in beginning of July 2000.
August 25th, 2000, my exes birthday. My leg started to really improve. I was almost normal. Was going to surprise him, made dinner, had kids go over friends house, wore baby doll PJ's, .....
he didn't come home till midnight.
we didn't have sex since feb. With the cervical cancer it was too painful, wanted to try for his birthday.
talked to him the next day to tell him I was upset that he came home drunk. Told him about what I had planned. His response was, "It was my birthday, you could have
sux-ed me.
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