amy55

Just know that I am so with you on the cancer thing. I'm sorry that I don't usually respond to your post, but just know that I check on you everyday.

I'm just sitting here now afraid of the pain i will feel getting up from my chair, and thinking how ridiculous that is.

You will get through this, I say prayers for you every night. Sometimes I have to say that God put too much on the plate for me. But you know what, he only gives you what he thinks you can handle.

amy55

OK, so March 2001, finished with all the chemo, and radiation, h (ex) is still here. Having a normal conversation, when he blurts out, "you must be feeling better, because your back to your old b!tchy self again".

I say "what?????"

He meant that the spirit in me that he tried to kill is still there.

amy55

It did in a way. Thats again when i no longer feared him and didn't care at all for my own life.

Up to this point I was walking on eggshells. No more, I thought that was it. Was going to stand up for myself.

amy55

I wish that everyone here would get out before your own mind goes.

My mind went, I started to drink very heavily. Would sit in my car, listen to kelly clarksen over and over, "Never again". Would talk back to him. Tried all the self help book, one said to say "I see" how can you argue with that, then he would follow me around, and around, and if I said "I see" , he would start to sing, Jose can you see,and I just had it so I would sing, "theres a lunatic inside my head, and it's not me. Not recommended. It's just how crazy I was getting.

Skipped several years here with my black eyes, and scar on my face, but will tell that if anyone is interested.

Just don't, please don't get to the point that I was at. That is the reason I post here.

Tuffgirl

Thank you, Amy. Sharing this will help others - even those who never post here.

My heart breaks for you - I remember those terrible drunken fights well. I don't think my ex does though. At least he rarely acknowledged them. Like the time be broke the bathroom door down after I locked myself in trying to put some space between us. Why is that such a common occurrence?!

Anyway, many are reading this. I am reading it. Keep posting, please.

And lastly, do you have a good chiropractor? They do wonders on hurting backs. I swear mine got me back on my feet from a ruptured disc in just a week. Within a month I was back to riding snowmobiles and cross country skiing. And I thought they were quacks before I needed one. Now I am sold.

Take good care of yourself.
~T

wicked

Amy

You are a very powerful, truthful and honest woman.
I feel lucky and honored to know you.
Thank you for sharing your struggle, and yes, I hope someone will say to themselves,
"OMG, I am being abused!"
When that awareness comes, you cannot go back.
Please, being a recovering alcoholic is part of my story too.
Keep telling your story in your way, with the hard, powerful, honest truth.

Because there is no denying that.

Sincerely

Beth

wicked

Oh no! I am sorry for her loss, and the pain and loss of all DV victims.
Geez, in those pictures I saw of the shyly smiling beautiful women,
all with the power to fight DV in a country where it is just beginning.

I don't know what else to say.

Amy, thank you for sharing your painful story, it takes strength and a great will to survive what you did.

Beth

FireSprite

Wow Amy, I am simply blown away reading all of this. You are an amazing woman to have survived all of this & still want to share your experience with everyone here at SR. Powerful, powerful awarenesses here in this thread. Thank you so much for taking the time to post - I hope it is also serving as a bit of a catharsis for you emotionally. ((((HUGS))))

BlueSkies1

This was very painful to read, I can't imagine to experience.

I hope your back feels better soon.

4MyBoys

Amy,

I am still reading. I also did not understand I was being abused for years.....

My STBXAH was a police officer so as you can imagine, calling the police was not ever an option even considered.

I really feel for you. I know you said you are getting help for what happened to you. Is it PTSD specific treatment? I want to suggest ERMD treatment. I went to a retreat for people with PTSD. They used this treatment method on me and it really really helped for the more destructive memories I had. They really don't even bother me any longer. This is the same treatment they use for a lot of first responders and military personnel who get PTSD. I know our issues are not war related but it doesn't mean it does not affect us the same way.

Just wanted to put it out their in case you had not heard of it.

4MyBoys

amy55

My dui

First a lot of these events are out of order. But dui was in 2005

Like I said I use to hide in my car at night and drink. Needed to be away from him. It was cold that night. Got into the back seat to sleep for the night. I couldn't. He invaded my territory. He came into the garage. He dragged me out by my feet and demanded that I come into the house to talk to him. I couldn't. He was drunker then me, and I knew that tone, I knew that voice.

I had my car keys, didn't have my cell phone, had given it to my daughter for the night because she lost hers, and she was going to NYC. I wanted her to have it. I didn't have my purse, or credit cards. There was no one in the house but him, I was afraid to go in. D@mn, he just pulled me out of my car by my feet.

I had my car keys. I pulled out of my garage, found a place around the corner and I parked there. Thought just till tomorrow morning. Well it got really cold. It was Feb on the east coast. I put the heat on, left it on for awhile. Looked at the gas. I wasn't going to make it for the night. My gas tank was almost on empty.

Stupid me, I drove to the police station. Walked in and told them to arrest me for drunk driving. I went there because I knew it would be warm, and I knew I would be safe.

I was arrested for drunk driving, they wanted to call my then H to come and get me, I asked them if they could drive me to the DV shelter. I was afraid to go home. They wouldn't. I had to give them another person to call, or they were going to put me in the county jail. I begged them to do that. But they did get another phone # from me, and my friend came and picked me up. She brought me home. I apologized to her for the inconvenience, she offered to stay with me, I told her that's OK, to just go home.

I couldn't talk to the H then. I went to sleep. He stayed up, and started to read the verbally abusive relationship.

That is what the fight was about. I think. I get things mixed up sometimes. So I got up about 11 am, after a few hours sleep. He told me that since I came back that he was up and reading that book, and he apologized for how he was.

He said he never wanted to hurt me again, and I believed him, yet again--------

amy55

I am sorry to start this so (I don't know), maybe for no reason at all. Maybe I wasn't just finished my journal.

I did want to make 2 apologies. One to sunshine, when it sounded to me like I was a bit so inconsiderate, or not caring, when I said something about 4 days, 4 months, 4 years. I guess the word I was looking for was not validating anothers situation. I am sorry for that. What I meant was that is how fast they can work on you.

Another apology that I have to make is that I somewhat said in post #13, that an alcoholic can just put down a drink. Didn't mean it they way also.

I was embarrassed that I said that. It isn't that easy. You still need to do a lot of work on yourself, guess I meant was the first step is to put down the drink. I still had lots of work to do on me.

amy55

First slap

This was I think in 2005. H3ll lots of things happened in 2005. I was trying to stand up for myself, but doing it in all the wrong ways.

So he called me a f--king b!tch. I told him to stop that. He said it again, said don't call me names, said it again, I slapped him, said it again, slapped him again. Went on for at least 15 slaps. He enjoyed it, he wasn't going to stop. I walked away, and kicked a wall, sprained or broke my toe. I don't know, lost the toenail on it then, and toe was black.

LexieCat

Nice tenth step, amy.

I never heard of that particular dui scenario. You probably aren't the only woman in the world who has done that. Man, lock me up instead of sending me home. It makes me furious they wouldn't take you to the shelter.

********{amy}}}}}

amy55

The one that I promised, my first black eye

2006. It started in either 12/2005 or 1/2006. Don't remember, threw my journals away. I know he wasn't there NYE, because I was on my forums that night. I was on my forum for at least 3 NYE's. He wasn't there, he would disappear. I never did find out where he went or who he was with. Told me that he was sleeping under the desk at his job. Yea, ha. Like I believe that one.

Ok, so I almost never saw him then. He would disappear all the time. At times he would come home, but already have his car parked so that he could make a fast get-a-way. He would come in and start a fight with me, then run away again. I don't really know how many days a month that I saw him then.

My grandson was born in April. He did come home then, but he wouldn't talk to me. Only talk I could get out of him was him raging at me.

So we get a phone call that my grandson was born. I had to wake him up to tell him, and we went to the hospital together to see our grandson. That was the only time that we went together to the hospital. He would go everyday, just not with me.

So I start to visit my daughter to help her out. I no longer want anything to do with this stuff, he was never home, I had to stay home to take care of the animals. So I couldn't really stay with my daughter.

I came home this time in June. He was there. He made me a cup of tea. I thought everything was OK. Then he got that "look" in his eyes. Well I am no longer afraid of that anymore, because I don't care about me anymore.

I went to the kitchen for something, don't remember what. He was right behind me. He threw me to the floor. Picked up my shirt and said that he was going to bite me.

He was holding my arms so tight that I could not move. I tried every way that I could to get him off of me. I couldn't do it. But he did put the idea of biting in my head, so I bit his arm. He let me go, then laughed at me. Said did you really think I was going to hurt you. I just wanted to kiss your stomach.

I now have black marks all over my upper arms from him restraining me. Now it's my grandson christening. This is the summer, I couldn't hide those marks.

One of my aunts commented, did some animal do that to you, and I just said yes.

amy55

OK, that post was getting too long

so after the christening, he disappears again, but comes home almost everyday I guess for about 2 weeks, said he was watching soccer. Just kept coming home all the time drunk. Then he goes to AC for awhile, for his job. He calls me on the way home, right after he left, I can tell he was drunk. He called me about 6, he was supposed to be home about 2. I tell him to find a hotel, and sleep it off.

See here, I was still trying to make things work. I had cooked a terrific dinner.

He walks in about 930pm, sticks his head in the door, and says, Honey, I'm home. Like in the movie the Shining. He asks me about dinner. I told him that I ate a long time ago, and that he should have been here by at least 3. I'm not going to heat up dinner for him.

He starts to rolls dinner plates back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, from the living room to the kitchen. I start drinking. I couldn't take it anymore. I did ask if he wanted me to heat the food up. Guess he didn't. I guess I can only equate what the rest of the night went, by referring to the movie the Shining. He didn't make any sense. He was nuts.

I had my 4 beers, and I couldn't take it anymore. I removed myself, I tried too hard to remain calm. I had to get out of there. I went to bed. Finally fell asleep.

45 mins later he is at the bedroom door. He is knocking. He wants to come in. He sounds "normal?". I thought he wanted to apologize. I let him in.

brownhorse

I am so sorry for all your pain.

amy55

He gets in the bed with me, here I am waiting for an apology. I get none. His hands are all over me. He wants sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get angry. I tell him to get his d@mn hands off of me. He actually does, but his mouth never stops, I tell him to get the h#ll out of the room.

He gets up, but that mouth never stops. He is calling me names, like a frigid b!tch. Telling me that I got it at other places. Calling me a wh_re. I couldn't take it anymore.
I really snapped. I followed him to the other bedroom where he was going to. I just wanted to slap him in the face. I hurt so much. He grabbed my arms. I couldn't get lose. I was on top of him. I had to get out of there. I bit him again. He punched me in the face. He punched me so hard that I flew off the bed, landed on the floor. I think I was unconcious for awhile. I got up from that, walked down the steps, got my cell phone and called the cops.

He never came near me during that. I called the cops, I waited outside, he waited in the garage. They took my statement, they took his statement, they took me to the hospital, to do scans, they took him to jail.

I was also arrested for that because I bit him.

amy55

He had a $2000 bail. I was just asked to come to police headquarters, and had to be fingerprinted. But I did have to go to court for that. Yes, I was physically violent.

amy55

oh, and need to say, no the cops did not want to do that to me. When I went in to headquarters, they were the same cops, they looked at my face. When they saw me it was just my forehead, when I went there, it was my whole right side. My eye was then black, it was like everything was draining down. They had asked me if he hit me again!!!