blake1989

I want to ask what is maybe an ignorant question. I realize I don't understand alcoholism like I thought I did.

Even from movies and tv we learn that 'acceptance' or 'naming' the problem is the first step.

My girlfriend regularly acknowledges her problem, albeit only when she's drunk. She talks about it as something she wants to tamp down on and stop. She says she wants to not drink someday, but can't right now.

This strikes me as a grey area between not true acknowledgement and some transitional, metaphysical knowledge that something must change.

I'm not looking for an answer, just wondering if anyone has a take on this.

Tuffgirl

With all due respect, I don't think it matters what she acknowledges or doesn't, or when, either, if nothing changes.

LexieCat

Sure. I knew I had a drinking problem for probably seven or eight years before I was ready to quit. Knowing you have a problem doesn't mean you are ready to quit drinking. Complete abstinence--no exceptions for holidays, special occasions, little "tastes," special dinners, daughter's wedding, parent's wake, NONE--is necessary for recovery from alcoholism. And that's only the beginning. Living sober is a whole different animal. If you want a good, happy, enjoyable life you have to do a lot more than simply quitting drinking.

Most alcoholics, once they become aware they have a "problem" (which they are unable to bring themselves to name as "alcoholism"), become fixated on trying to control it so they can keep drinking without the negative consequences. This never works, but people will keep trying for years, even decades, to do just that.

So, yeah, recognizing a "problem" is a prerequisite to solving that problem. But just because you recognize you have a problem doesn't mean you are anywhere near ready to deal with it effectively.

dandylion

blake, once, several years ago, during an "argument" my son and I were having about whether or not he should go to a treatment program (AA), he angrily shouted at me: "I know I'm an alcoholic and I would like to be sober, but I don't want to give up drinking to do it!!"

I think that kind of says it all.

dandylion

LexieCat

Bingo. Alcoholics want the problem to just miraculously get better on its own. I can distinctly remember wishing I just didn't feel that compulsion to drink. And thinking that one day I would get up and it would be gone.

It's sort of like wanting to have a swimsuit-model body, but not wanting to do the dieting and exercise to get from your current 250 pounds down to 125.

wicked

Every time I drank, I said to myself, I gotta stop. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.
One day hungover,
next day back at the store for more beer.
I gotta stop I gotta stop ad infinitum.

Beth
I did stop.

ichabod

It took my husband a bunch of half-assed attempts at AA to accept that he was really, "like them." I think he knew he drank too much and deep down he knew he was an alcoholic but he thought (like most of 'em) that he could control it. He wasn't stumbling around in the gutter so he thought he was just a big social drinker.

It wasn't until the drinking escalated to the point where it was dominating his life that he truly accepted his status. For him it took more than 30 years to get there. I hope your GF figures it out much sooner.

Justfor1

Blake, IMO that is a total myth that is often seen on television and spread among families. Most alcoholics know deep down inside that they are alcoholics. They know that normal drinkers do not consume a 12 pack of beer, 2 bottles of wine ect... when they drink. I think that they just don't want the label of being a "alcoholic" in todays society.

dbaguy

This is the hard part about living with/dealing with/having a relationship with an alcoholic. My wife admitted often that she had a problem but that was usually when she was drunk (though not always). As others have said, it's not just admitting it but it's that step of trying to do something different that is the real turning point. In fact, my wife would do a lot of things to avoid the reality of her problem. I think she felt like she was compensating for her alcoholism by engaging in other healthy activities as a way of saying, "look, I'm not that bad, I can do all this other stuff and still drink!". As an example, she ran a marathon earlier this year. Of course, right after they finished we were off to a bar with all her friends where she had about 6 beers. Things didn't start changing until she stopped acknowledging the problem and really started dealing with it.

unsureoffuture

Thank you for this statement Lexie Cat! I needed to hear this today. My ADH has only admitted once or twice over the years that he had a problem. I know deep down he knows, that is why he hides it. This past weekend my ADH did wonderfully at "controlling" it and whenever he does, it brings out the old "what ifs" because he was so pleasant to be around. It gives me a false sense of hope. You are absolutely right, knowing you are an alcoholic doesn't mean you are are ready to quit drinking. He is not in any recovery program and still believes he can handle it on his own. Your statement about trying to control it without the negative consequences rings totally true and puts things in perspective for me. Thanks so much for your ESH