SeekingGuidance

My husband of 20 years is a functioning alcoholic. He lives up to his responsibilities at home and at work but he drinks every day and “appears” to over-do-it once or twice a week. During these times, he usually just exhibits slightly slurred speech, is a little louder than normal, a bit off balance and he typically passes out on the couch. However, there are times, usually once a month or so, where he is completely drunk and out-of-hand. Alcoholism has been an issue for him for as long as I’ve known him. I have talked to him about his problem until I’m blue, tried to help him, but nothing ever changes. At this point, I don’t expect it to.

My concern now is more for our 15-year-old son. Up to now, I have been able to keep it mostly hidden from him. He sees his dad drinking regularly but doesn’t yet recognize the effects when my husband is tipsy. The times he is very drunk, I run interference and keep my son away from him. But, a time will come when he will know that his dad has a problem. What do I do? Should I tell him before he realizes it himself? Instead of his dad being his role model, will he be his cautionary tale? Our son is a great kid, honor student, and athlete, who is socially well-adjusted. Would it do more harm to reveal this to him now?

My biggest fear is that he will see my husband’s regular drinking habit and believe that a person can consume that much and that often without consequence or addiction and begin the same pattern.

LexieCat

Oh, I suspect he knows very well what Dad's problem is. He's 15, not 4. He probably has friends who drink.

Whether he knows or not, tiptoeing around it isn't healthy for either one of you. Al-Anon for you, and Alateen for him might be good. And he more than likely IS at some increased risk for alcoholism himself later in life. It isn't a foregone conclusion, by any means, but it never hurts for him to be aware of the risk BEFORE he starts drinking (and most kids do experiment to some degree before they are legal to drink).

silentrun

They know. I have a teenage daughter and I was better and hiding it from my husband than her. I would keep my mouth shut and just pass out on the couch. Part of me admitting I had a problem is I became concerned I was setting an example that this was somehow normal because I never got into any trouble. I think you are right that it needs to be addressed.

lillamy

ITA with the earlier posters. He knows. No doubt. Talk to him. Now. Let him know what alcoholism is.

FireSprite

Yup, he knows. I used to 'be' him so I'm speaking from experience. The best thing you can do for him is to open up the dialogue between you and be completely honest no matter how difficult it is. (((hugs)))

dandylion

Seekingguidence, kids always know more than adults assume that they do. Adults may be so preoccupied with the problems that they don't realize how much exposure and impact there is for the child--or, they might minimize the effects on the child as part of their own overall denial. Nevertheless, children are like the canary in the coalmine as far as detecting whatever vibes are going on in their environment.

Your son needs someone that he can feel safe to talk to about his feelings regarding the situation. Alateen would be a very good option. There is also literature that he can read.

Keeping secrets is not uncommon in alcoholic or other dysfunctional families.

I know that this is very straight talk, but, alas, it sounds like the time of tippytoeing is well past. Better to face reality than to put one's head in the sand...don't you think?

dandylion

Florence

Tell him. My DS13 knew something was going on, even if he didn't know what. Giving him the language to talk about it and the freedom to discuss it openly was healing for us.

He is angry and resentful about it, and while he says he doesn't resent me, I'm sure he does. I believe it's my job to deal with this openly and to let my recovery from anger and codependency be my living amends.

Mountainmanbob

Justfor1

IMO, there is no such thing as a "functional alcoholic". It's just a attempt to minimize the severity of the problem. Perhaps the term should be "working alcoholic". At 15yrs old, your son probably knows that his dad has a alcohol problem.

dancingnow

IMO it's more than what one "sees" of A's behavior. As far as functioning goes, A's are not available to participate fully in life and they are controlled by their need to drink. It was eye-opening to me when I realized how I was so controlled by this that I overcompensated for my AH not being available for interacting with the kids or constantly planning activities so his needs came first. What a mess, I wish my eyes were opened sooner.

I guess I am saying the truth of a situation is always best in the long run, however you choose to share this with your son.

HopefulmomtoD

You must be exhausted trying to protect your son from his father's alcoholism. ;-) I get it because I know the lengths I've gone to do what I felt was best for my kids. But, cushioning your son from his Dad's alcoholism and the behaviors associated with it is a noble cause, but futile, and probably does more harm than good in the end.

I think kids are better off when their parents are honest with them. He already knows something is off- he'll be much better if he can talk to you out in the open about it.

And, your DH just may wake up to his drinking problem if you quit making it easier on him to appear normal to others.

wolfpackfan45

I'll pretty much bet he knows. Teenagers know a lot more than we think and they're very perceptive. Sit him down and talk with him honestly. Make sure you don't make any negative comments about his father to him while doing so. Since his father has an alcohol addiction it's important that you let him know that he is at greater risk for alcoholism himself.

LexieCat

Another good point being made here. I know that a lot of kids in alcoholic families (I didn't grow up in one, myself, but know lots of people who have) feel the need to pretend everything is fine all the time. That can create a huge internal struggle where they KNOW something is wrong, but aren't permitted (in their minds, anyway) to talk about it. They worry about being the over-achiever good kid so the family secret is safe. It takes a huge toll, as they carry burdens they should not have to carry.

None of this may be evident to you, as you scurry around trying to maintain "okay-ness" in the household. That puts an unwarranted burden on YOU.

Even if it isn't apparent, your husband's alcoholism is messing with you and with your family. You owe it to yourself and your son to be honest with yourselves about what's going on. Moreover, as was pointed out, there is really no such thing as a "functional alcoholic." All that means is that AT THE MOMENT he is still holding it together, externally, at least. Alcoholism is progressive. You can expect the "functionality" of his drinking to drop off as it continues.

I am a recovered alcoholic, almost five years sober. When I got sober, I still had a very important job (not bragging--it is a job important in society), owned my own home, had an excellent credit rating, car, no DUIs, no arrests, no hospitalization. I was falling apart inside, and I knew it. I had some close calls that could easily have ended in disaster, losing my job and my pension. I was lucky, that's all. I struggled to "control" my drinking for four and a half years, during which time I developed a serious physical dependency on alcohol.

Talk to your son. You and he will be dealing with an alcoholic for however long it takes your husband to reach the point where he is ready to recover. The sooner you both acquire the tools to deal with it, without making yourselves insane, the better.

wicked

Seekingguidance,

This was me, LexieCat explained it perfectly. I knew when I was eight years old that
something was wrong, but had no idea what.
At age 10, I knew what it was, but thought if I was good enough, or smart enough,
my father would stop drinking and my mother would not be so sad.
Please talk to him now, and be open and honest.
Your husband is very ill and needs help with his addiction.

I am 54 years old now, I had a 20 year drinking career of my own and married two alcoholics.
I have two children who are addicts too.
Please shine a bright light on the elephant in the living room.
The relief of being able to speak openly about the problem will be amazing.

You will be very glad when you stop pretending and start living.

Sincerely and with hope,

Beth

LaTeeDa

I feel the need to chime in as the child of an alcoholic family as well. My father was the alcoholic, and my mother the codependent. Not only did everyone in my family spend a lot of energy trying to pretend everything was "normal," but when you grow up like that, it IS normal. Parents are the primary role models, for good or not, and when your parents are dysfunctional, you grow up to be dysfunctional. I have no doubt that I was attracted to and married an alcoholic because that's what I saw and learned about marriage and relationships from a very young age.

One of my main motivations for divorcing my AH and starting a new life for myself was to hopefully break the cycle that goes back on both sides of my family for countless generations.

And yes, the overachieving is definitely part of it. I was a straight A student, member of the honor society, and did well at every extracurricular I tried. It was what I did so I didn't feel so ashamed about not being able to have friends over and do the other things normal kids did.

L

fourmaggie

i would work the opposite way...take him out for pizza alone and ask him what HE THINKS he knows about his dad...then go from there...be HONEST, and bond from there

my kids did a HEALTH topic about drug and alcohol use in school....and then had a test about it..i never had that in school

ichabod

My son was 15 when his father quit drinking. I never hid it from him because I really couldn't. His dad was there and his dad was often drunk. I think the older he got (late middle school and early high school) the more it was openly discussed, but he knew, I think, probably around the time he was 10.

I've always been honest with him about everything though. If he asks a question he gets an honest answer even if it makes me uncomfortable. It's worked for us. He and I are very close (he's away in college now and boy do I miss him) and he and RAH are close.

Your son knows. One day, when your husband is drinking, mention it and ask if he's aware of what's going on. You'll know how to handle it once you hear his answer.

DaddyWolf

SeekingGuidance,

He knows.

I have two teenage boys. They were so relieved when I communicated openly about my AW (their mom.) Isolation can be a HORRIBLE product of this disease! Once we started talking, the isolation we cacooned ourselves in was removed. In addition, they had some great insights to share.

Your son is lucky to have you.

Sueski

It's not exactly the same situation but my stepson (then 19) knew my husband had relapsed before I did. Kids are smarter than we often give them credit for being.

Honesty and openness are a good thing here, IMO. Shining a light on this will remove some of the secrecy and shame. Your son needs to be told, clearly, that this is not his fault in any way. He knows something isn't right and likely knows exactly what that something is. You may find yourself amazed at his insights. I was.

There may be a downside to discussing this openly with your son, but I can't think what it would be. Even if it isn't a great talk, you've opened the door for future talks. At the very least, you'll know where his head is at, make clear the three Cs, and decrease the chances that he'll repeat this cycle in his own life. I also agree with the posters who suggested opening the conversation and then letting him lead from there. Good luck!

dbh

Dear SeekingGuidance:

I'm sorry for your reasons for being here, but I'm glad that you found this group.

I too am an adult child of an alcoholic. My mom to this day swears that she "protected us" from our alcoholic dad. However, I just turned 50 and still occasionally struggle from the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home.

I think I knew at 10 that my father drank too much. I remember being shocked when I found beer in his coffee cup. I also remember being scared to drive with him after he had been drinking.

I also think that there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. There was a period of time where my father was able to run a business and give the appearance of a "normal" family. But it didn't last for long.

Even when he was "functional" he wasn't emotionally available to us as a father. He would stay out a lot, but when he was home he was either passed out on the couch or worse awake and easily irritated. I remember spending a lot of time trying to disappear. My mother was also not available because she spent so much of her time covering/lying for my dad and checking out herself because of her sadness.

Al-Anon is a great place to learn about the affects that alcoholism has upon a family. You could also read about Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACOA). Alcoholism truly is a family disease that affects EVERYONE in a household.

My father never did stop drinking and died in his early 70s. He had lung disease and dementia, both caused by a lifetime of drinking and smoking.

I worry about the generational aspects of addiction. My children are 10 and 13 and I continue to have an open dialog with them about alcoholism and addiction. Even though my husband and I have not had a problem with drugs/alcohol I want them to be aware that it is in their genes.

Best wishes for you and your family.

db