How to overcome my jealousy
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
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How to overcome my jealousy
Hi everyone
I posted here a few times about my xabf who I had to kick out almost 6 months ago (wow 6 months already!)
It's been a rollercoaster of tough emotions and turmoil. I've had therapy, gone to alanon, dated but I still can't let go of the dreams and hopes I had of a future with him.
I have days when I thank God that I ended things as our relationship was destroying me. But for some reason over the past week I began to cry again and dream every night about him. I cried during the day and cried in my sleep.
So after 2 months of not seeing him I asked him to meet me for coffee. Let me add we have only had one phone conversation in all that time during which he was very drunk.
So we met for coffee and he told me he has started dating a female friend of his. Wow! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach but I held it together, I was polite, wished him well and said I just wanted to see how he was.
The worst part is that when he spoke about her, the first thing he said is that they have alot in common as she loves to party and also enjoys smoking weed. She is almost 10 years younger than me so I guess she doesn't have the same views on life and desire to settle down and have babies.
Anyway, what the hell is wrong with me... I am so so jealous! When I saw him I felt all my old feelings and wanted to hold his hand, touch his face, hug him etc.
I am actually jealous of him and his new girl. I know all the realities are that he will not change for her, she now has to deal with his lies and addiction problems so why am I feeling so hurt and upset about this guys?? Is it the enabler in me
I posted here a few times about my xabf who I had to kick out almost 6 months ago (wow 6 months already!)
It's been a rollercoaster of tough emotions and turmoil. I've had therapy, gone to alanon, dated but I still can't let go of the dreams and hopes I had of a future with him.
I have days when I thank God that I ended things as our relationship was destroying me. But for some reason over the past week I began to cry again and dream every night about him. I cried during the day and cried in my sleep.
So after 2 months of not seeing him I asked him to meet me for coffee. Let me add we have only had one phone conversation in all that time during which he was very drunk.
So we met for coffee and he told me he has started dating a female friend of his. Wow! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach but I held it together, I was polite, wished him well and said I just wanted to see how he was.
The worst part is that when he spoke about her, the first thing he said is that they have alot in common as she loves to party and also enjoys smoking weed. She is almost 10 years younger than me so I guess she doesn't have the same views on life and desire to settle down and have babies.
Anyway, what the hell is wrong with me... I am so so jealous! When I saw him I felt all my old feelings and wanted to hold his hand, touch his face, hug him etc.
I am actually jealous of him and his new girl. I know all the realities are that he will not change for her, she now has to deal with his lies and addiction problems so why am I feeling so hurt and upset about this guys?? Is it the enabler in me
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I think what happens in these situations is that it feels like we have been REJECTED. And yeah, that stings. Even if we don't want the guy back, it sticks in the craw to feel like someone else is making them happy.
I think that feeling will pass, as your own life gets better. You won't CARE who he's with or what he's doing, because it will be irrelevant to you. Right now it's still semi-fresh, so as long as you don't obsess about it for too long, I wouldn't attach too much importance to a feeling of jealousy.
I think that feeling will pass, as your own life gets better. You won't CARE who he's with or what he's doing, because it will be irrelevant to you. Right now it's still semi-fresh, so as long as you don't obsess about it for too long, I wouldn't attach too much importance to a feeling of jealousy.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I wouldn't believe anything an alcoholic/addict says.
Plus, you rejected him. You threw him out (good for you).
He is going to have some motivation to show you what a great catch you gave up.
Sounds like it worked.
Review every lousy thing he did. You'll feel better.
In some ways, I was lucky. My AH scared me so much that since I never want to have to see him again. I do, because of our children. But I am completely cured of any desire to have him in my life. It's easier to be clear.
Go out and do something with a group if friends. Get outside, do something you love, go to Al Anon!
Plus, you rejected him. You threw him out (good for you).
He is going to have some motivation to show you what a great catch you gave up.
Sounds like it worked.
Review every lousy thing he did. You'll feel better.
In some ways, I was lucky. My AH scared me so much that since I never want to have to see him again. I do, because of our children. But I am completely cured of any desire to have him in my life. It's easier to be clear.
Go out and do something with a group if friends. Get outside, do something you love, go to Al Anon!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Thanks
I think you are both right, it is rejection that is eating me up. I'm jealous that instead of choosing a life with me without alcohol, he chose a life with someone else with alcohol. Kinda hurts... silly self doubts of 'Is alcohol better than me, is she better than me?'
But as I say they are silly self doubts. Gotta keep moving and forget about the dreams I had .... Gosh this is hard!
I think you are both right, it is rejection that is eating me up. I'm jealous that instead of choosing a life with me without alcohol, he chose a life with someone else with alcohol. Kinda hurts... silly self doubts of 'Is alcohol better than me, is she better than me?'
But as I say they are silly self doubts. Gotta keep moving and forget about the dreams I had .... Gosh this is hard!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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can76, I had a very painful break-up, one time. I tried dating, etc, just like you. It took more than 6mo. to get over him. I too, felt envious. After I met (my then) husband to be--I had an almost "instant cure".
Give it some more time--and, don't pay attention to what he might be doing.
dandylion
Give it some more time--and, don't pay attention to what he might be doing.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Step (1). I don't know what it is about the brain, but many times looking back on the past we put on our rose colored glasses. Start dreaming, romanticizing, thinking of the person.
Step (2). Some of us then get back into the relationship, are quickly hit over the head, and the reasons why we left flood in. Hopefully it's then that we learn our lesson on rose colored reflections of the past.
Step (3). We move on knowing full well it was a bad relationship and knowing how not to get sucked back into the drama be it through reminiscence, hearing about how well they are doing by a 3rd party of other.
Sounds like you skipped step 2. How awesome is that? He did you a favor dating another girl, you could have wound up in step 2!
Step (2). Some of us then get back into the relationship, are quickly hit over the head, and the reasons why we left flood in. Hopefully it's then that we learn our lesson on rose colored reflections of the past.
Step (3). We move on knowing full well it was a bad relationship and knowing how not to get sucked back into the drama be it through reminiscence, hearing about how well they are doing by a 3rd party of other.
Sounds like you skipped step 2. How awesome is that? He did you a favor dating another girl, you could have wound up in step 2!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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For me jealousy is purely about sex. I am totally monogamous sexually, even if I'm not in a committed relationship, or am in an open relationship, or whatever. I attach myself to a man sexually and that is it, he is the only one. I feel insanely jealous if I think of him with another woman. Once I have moved on to another relationship, I don't have that jealously about the old partner anymore, no matter who broke up with whom. I think it might be some innate response to protect my "mate". (I know it's weird.)
If I found out my ex was seeing someone new right now it would REALLY upset me but under no circumstances do I want him back in my life. I never imagined a future with him; I knew it would never work. I'm just not over him physically yet. I have not moved on and can't really do so until I have a solid recovery. At the rate I'm going, that could take a very long time.
Anyway, whatever the reasons, I think it is normal you felt jealous. It's good you identified the feeling, owned it, and shared it. That is healthy!
Hugs!
If I found out my ex was seeing someone new right now it would REALLY upset me but under no circumstances do I want him back in my life. I never imagined a future with him; I knew it would never work. I'm just not over him physically yet. I have not moved on and can't really do so until I have a solid recovery. At the rate I'm going, that could take a very long time.
Anyway, whatever the reasons, I think it is normal you felt jealous. It's good you identified the feeling, owned it, and shared it. That is healthy!
Hugs!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity 
For me jealousy is purely about sex. I am totally monogamous sexually, even if I'm not in a committed relationship, or am in an open relationship, or whatever. I attach myself to a man sexually and that is it, he is the only one. I feel insanely jealous if I think of him with another woman. Once I have moved on to another relationship, I don't have that jealously about the old partner anymore, no matter who broke up with whom. I think it might be some innate response to protect my "mate". (I know it's weird.)
If I found out my ex was seeing someone new right now it would REALLY upset me but under no circumstances do I want him back in my life. I never imagined a future with him; I knew it would never work. I'm just not over him physically yet. I have not moved on and can't really do so until I have a solid recovery. At the rate I'm going, that could take a very long time.
Anyway, whatever the reasons, I think it is normal you felt jealous. It's good you identified the feeling, owned it, and shared it. That is healthy!
Hugs!
If I found out my ex was seeing someone new right now it would REALLY upset me but under no circumstances do I want him back in my life. I never imagined a future with him; I knew it would never work. I'm just not over him physically yet. I have not moved on and can't really do so until I have a solid recovery. At the rate I'm going, that could take a very long time.
Anyway, whatever the reasons, I think it is normal you felt jealous. It's good you identified the feeling, owned it, and shared it. That is healthy!
Hugs!
Or does a new relationship including sex quell the jealousy?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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It has to be someone I'm into. There has to be an emotional attachment and by emotional I do not mean a healthy, nurturing relationship. I mean an obsessive, abusive, codie relationship.
Basically, if I do not want to have sex with a guy I could care less who he has sex with. If I do, I'm jealous. I still want to have sex with my ex even though I practically hate him.
Twisted? Extremely. That is why I have to be alone. I can not make it work with nice guys; I don't want to sleep with them. And obviously dating abusive alcoholics doesn't work either.
Basically, if I do not want to have sex with a guy I could care less who he has sex with. If I do, I'm jealous. I still want to have sex with my ex even though I practically hate him.
Twisted? Extremely. That is why I have to be alone. I can not make it work with nice guys; I don't want to sleep with them. And obviously dating abusive alcoholics doesn't work either.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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See? You're making good choices already.
My last relationship ended eight years ago. I went out on a couple of dates, had a month or so of "breakup sex" with the ex several months later, and have not dated anyone since. I had a couple more years before I got sober, but even after that, I decided I have way too much work to do on me, plus I really enjoy my time to myself.
I recently toyed with the idea of putting up an online dating profile again, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of getting INVOLVED with someone makes me feel anxious and stressed. I think that's a pretty good sign I'm not ready to date for the sake of dating. Never say never, but I think for right now I'd rather wait until and unless I meet someone who is SO interesting and awesome I really really want to spend my time and energy on another person.
Better for me and the male population in general this way.
My last relationship ended eight years ago. I went out on a couple of dates, had a month or so of "breakup sex" with the ex several months later, and have not dated anyone since. I had a couple more years before I got sober, but even after that, I decided I have way too much work to do on me, plus I really enjoy my time to myself.
I recently toyed with the idea of putting up an online dating profile again, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of getting INVOLVED with someone makes me feel anxious and stressed. I think that's a pretty good sign I'm not ready to date for the sake of dating. Never say never, but I think for right now I'd rather wait until and unless I meet someone who is SO interesting and awesome I really really want to spend my time and energy on another person.
Better for me and the male population in general this way.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Interesting thanks for sharing. For me the sex was so good that it kept me in a bad relationship longer and I also formed an unhealthy attachment.
I'm not worried about sleeping with her now though. I have a pretty good history of telling girls no when they show up at my house ready to go after we've split. I have at least mastered that part!
LexieCat, online dating can be so draining. If I meet someone in my day to day life, working, going out, hiking, whatever, great, if not no big deal. I'm happy doing lots by myself and reconnecting with me. I also value my me time.
I'm not worried about sleeping with her now though. I have a pretty good history of telling girls no when they show up at my house ready to go after we've split. I have at least mastered that part!
LexieCat, online dating can be so draining. If I meet someone in my day to day life, working, going out, hiking, whatever, great, if not no big deal. I'm happy doing lots by myself and reconnecting with me. I also value my me time.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Being alone is underrated. This is the first time I have been alone since I was 13 years old. I have always gone from one guy to the next without a day in between of being alone. I didn't think I could do it (be alone) but I am surprisingly fine.
I think about some of the people I admire: the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, and my yoga teacher. They are all alone. When I go to a party, usually the most interesting people I meet there are alone. Most of my friends are either single moms, or gay men and women who are single. So I honestly never feel ashamed about being single. If anything I feel proud because for the first time in my life I am not throwing my energy away in an all- consuming relationship.
I want to work on myself now. I want a deeper spiritual life. I want to make my art without the men in my life undermining it.
I have a couple of friends who have done online dating and it seemed so exhausting to me. Talk about people lying about themselves! I was looking at my friend's account, and every single person on Match.com classified themself as a "social drinker". Just right there, you know tons of them are blatantly lying. So I'm with you guys, online dating would not be for me if I ever get healthy enough to date again. Better to let the Universe control the introductions.
Zen, good for you for being able to say no to your exgf's. That seriously shows integrity.
And Lexie, you give SO much of yourself on SR. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but you are definitely living a very spiritual and complete life by my definition. If you did online dating, what would happen to all of us on SR?
I think about some of the people I admire: the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, and my yoga teacher. They are all alone. When I go to a party, usually the most interesting people I meet there are alone. Most of my friends are either single moms, or gay men and women who are single. So I honestly never feel ashamed about being single. If anything I feel proud because for the first time in my life I am not throwing my energy away in an all- consuming relationship.
I want to work on myself now. I want a deeper spiritual life. I want to make my art without the men in my life undermining it.
I have a couple of friends who have done online dating and it seemed so exhausting to me. Talk about people lying about themselves! I was looking at my friend's account, and every single person on Match.com classified themself as a "social drinker". Just right there, you know tons of them are blatantly lying. So I'm with you guys, online dating would not be for me if I ever get healthy enough to date again. Better to let the Universe control the introductions.
Zen, good for you for being able to say no to your exgf's. That seriously shows integrity.
And Lexie, you give SO much of yourself on SR. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but you are definitely living a very spiritual and complete life by my definition. If you did online dating, what would happen to all of us on SR?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by ZenMe
So basically sex with a new person makes you no longer jealous? Rebound style or someone you really like?
Or does a new relationship including sex quell the jealousy?
Or does a new relationship including sex quell the jealousy?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by LexieCat
See? You're making good choices already.
My last relationship ended eight years ago. I went out on a couple of dates, had a month or so of "breakup sex" with the ex several months later, and have not dated anyone since. I had a couple more years before I got sober, but even after that, I decided I have way too much work to do on me, plus I really enjoy my time to myself.
I recently toyed with the idea of putting up an online dating profile again, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of getting INVOLVED with someone makes me feel anxious and stressed. I think that's a pretty good sign I'm not ready to date for the sake of dating. Never say never, but I think for right now I'd rather wait until and unless I meet someone who is SO interesting and awesome I really really want to spend my time and energy on another person.
Better for me and the male population in general this way.
My last relationship ended eight years ago. I went out on a couple of dates, had a month or so of "breakup sex" with the ex several months later, and have not dated anyone since. I had a couple more years before I got sober, but even after that, I decided I have way too much work to do on me, plus I really enjoy my time to myself.
I recently toyed with the idea of putting up an online dating profile again, but I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of getting INVOLVED with someone makes me feel anxious and stressed. I think that's a pretty good sign I'm not ready to date for the sake of dating. Never say never, but I think for right now I'd rather wait until and unless I meet someone who is SO interesting and awesome I really really want to spend my time and energy on another person.
Better for me and the male population in general this way.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
OK, ladies, and gent. I did the on line dating thing and am going back to it. I don't think it is a path to true love, but it sure is a ton of fun if you don't take it too seriously. Before my last relationship, I went out to dinner every couple of weeks, met some nice guys who turned into friends mostly and lots of free dinners. LOL. It's DEFINITELY a way to meet people and get out of your shell. And just cause you're nervous, doesn't mean you're not ready, (although, y'all know yourselves best), just means your nervous. I'm always nervous when I meet someone new. Sometimes, it's a funny disaster, and other times, it turns out to be a bunch of fun. I'm headed out with a bunch of friends and a sort of blind date tonight. Aye yi yi. We must live, before we die.
I think the online dating world just has to be kept in perspective. Don't depend on it or count on it. just take it for what it is.
Off on my blind date. No worries about the other one tonight. He's on the "talk to the hand list" now!
Hope you all have a great Saturday night
I think the online dating world just has to be kept in perspective. Don't depend on it or count on it. just take it for what it is.
Off on my blind date. No worries about the other one tonight. He's on the "talk to the hand list" now!
Hope you all have a great Saturday night
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Oh, I've done the online dating thing, too, and had some fun. That's where I met the last guy I lived with, though I can't blame online dating for the fact that it turned out badly. I met several nice enough guys.
It isn't the idea of DATING that makes me nervous, it's the thought of getting INVOLVED with someone that does. And historically, one has led to the other for me, so I'm not in any hurry. It would be a different story if I were lonely, but I'm not.
Have fun tonight!
It isn't the idea of DATING that makes me nervous, it's the thought of getting INVOLVED with someone that does. And historically, one has led to the other for me, so I'm not in any hurry. It would be a different story if I were lonely, but I'm not.
Have fun tonight!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York
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Hello,
Just giving you my two cents. I do not believe it is the enabler in you, I could be one hundred percent wrong. I have gone through a similar situation to you with my ex-boyfriend, though minus the new girlfriend and plus establishing a great career and having his life on track, as well as his addiction was of a different form. Maybe you still care for him. There might be a small part of you that honestly clings to the idea of the person he once was and some aspects you might have loved about him. Every action will always have a reaction, remember that. Whether you feel guilty or at peace, it is still a reaction positive or negative. At the time, you obviously placed yourself before him. You realized that you should not come second to his addiction and lack of commitment to change, and to me that is a good thing. Though you might be having these feelings and are baffled as to why, you're human. We cannot turn our emotions off like it is a switch. That person might have many hiccups along the way and at the end of the day, we might still love them regardless and it does not mean you love them any less if you realized that being together might not be the best. You simply realized that you needed to sort through some stuff for yourself above anything else.
Best wishes to you, cam76.
Just giving you my two cents. I do not believe it is the enabler in you, I could be one hundred percent wrong. I have gone through a similar situation to you with my ex-boyfriend, though minus the new girlfriend and plus establishing a great career and having his life on track, as well as his addiction was of a different form. Maybe you still care for him. There might be a small part of you that honestly clings to the idea of the person he once was and some aspects you might have loved about him. Every action will always have a reaction, remember that. Whether you feel guilty or at peace, it is still a reaction positive or negative. At the time, you obviously placed yourself before him. You realized that you should not come second to his addiction and lack of commitment to change, and to me that is a good thing. Though you might be having these feelings and are baffled as to why, you're human. We cannot turn our emotions off like it is a switch. That person might have many hiccups along the way and at the end of the day, we might still love them regardless and it does not mean you love them any less if you realized that being together might not be the best. You simply realized that you needed to sort through some stuff for yourself above anything else.
Best wishes to you, cam76.
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DreamsofSerenity, it's no problem, I enjoyed reading all the posts :-)
SecondMilitia - thank you for your message. I think you named all my feelings. I do still care about him and long for the guy he was before the drinking took him over. I've also found out that his new girl has some issues with alcohol and weed so I guess I feel resentful. Strange maybe, but I do resent all the money, time and effort I put into trying to help him. I resent the nights I lay awake worried about him after I asked him to leave our home. And I resent it because he has now hooked up with someone who will probably make him feel like he is living a normal life. My hope since the breakup was that he would hit rock bottom. About a month ago I thought it was happening but now he has someone who accepts his habits. I guess I'm scared about what will happen to him, will he ever get sober etc.
Anyway on a different note, I have also chatted to a few guys online.. it's fun, it boosts my confidence but I think it has to be taken light heartedly.
Thanks guys, love and light to all of you wonderful people xx
SecondMilitia - thank you for your message. I think you named all my feelings. I do still care about him and long for the guy he was before the drinking took him over. I've also found out that his new girl has some issues with alcohol and weed so I guess I feel resentful. Strange maybe, but I do resent all the money, time and effort I put into trying to help him. I resent the nights I lay awake worried about him after I asked him to leave our home. And I resent it because he has now hooked up with someone who will probably make him feel like he is living a normal life. My hope since the breakup was that he would hit rock bottom. About a month ago I thought it was happening but now he has someone who accepts his habits. I guess I'm scared about what will happen to him, will he ever get sober etc.
Anyway on a different note, I have also chatted to a few guys online.. it's fun, it boosts my confidence but I think it has to be taken light heartedly.
Thanks guys, love and light to all of you wonderful people xx
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Cam76-I think SecondMilitia is correct--I am going through the same thing having divorce 9 months ago from a 15 year marriage. It is impossible to turn off your feelings of love for someone. But I try to remind myself that he did everything to show me he had moved on and it hurt when I found out but just that fact he wanted me to see that tells me his ego was bruised also & maybe the same with your ex--telling you he met someone else may or may not be true and I'm sure it's not easy for them to get over us either!
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