elle123

Hey I’ve been lurking in here for some time now and finally plucked up the courage to post… I don’t really know what I’m hoping for just some advice …. apologies in advance for my rambling on lol.

Both me and my bf are in our early 20s and been together for 5 years, we don’t live together he lives at home with his parents who are both alcoholics and I stay with my rents to but about to leave to another city soon to start college but we have agreed to do long distance relationship tho now I'm not to sure and feel like a horrible person saying that.

About a year after we starting going out he had started to drink to much, to the point where he didn’t know when to stop and would fall asleep in a state, sometimes even wetting himself…. We have had so many arguments in the past about it he promised to change he did for a bit then it went back to how it was. I now know arguing is pointless. And he now starts hiding it from me.

This week for example I know he has drank twice during the week to the point of being out of it. One of the worrying things is he drinks by himself in his room… I don’t see him when he drinks no more, I don’t want to put myself in that situation. We went on holiday last month just for a week and it scared me that he just doesn’t know when to stop or doesn’t want to.

Suppose in the past I may have excused, ignored or shown empathy as he hasn’t had the best role models from his parents and their addiction but I know that’s not the way to go about it…and he does admit his mum and dad are alcoholics and hates it but he wont admit he may have a problem to.

His mum has been in hospital numerous times and nearly died a few years ago because of it…This brings me on to this week his mum has gotten really ill again though she will deny it; she phoned my bf hallucinating and has been sick etc though him and his dad are both in denial & say she is feeling better now a couple days on tho by the sounds of it she hasn't. Im meant to be going over this weekend to there house but I just feel like iv got to the point where I don’t want to put myself in that situation no more and I feel like im being really selfish about it and I know my bf will get angry and defensive if I tell him how Im feeling.

My bf wont admit hes got a problem but he drinks at least 2 times a week himself till hes out of it and maybe sometimes 3 but because he lies now and I don’t live with him I sometimes doubt myself if its more or less.

I do love my bf and I know he does love me but I just don’t know what to do no more I have tried to help and support him when his parents have been sick and when he wanted to “cut down” as he says. I’m moving in 2 months and I don’t want to be worrying or getting a phone call telling me something has happened. Hes a complete different person when drinking and not nice to be around.

Im really sorry about this long post. I just don’t know what to do and feel horribly selfish saying I don’t want to see you this weekend as we are meant to be going out for dinner to for his dads bday and they will all be drinking bar his mum who wont be as she is to ill to and I just think how can u drink in front of her?! I feel like if I go I'm acting like every things fine when its not. I get on with his parents but iv also seen them go through a lot health wise and seen how it has affected my bf to living in that environment. I don't think he would move out anytime soon.

I just feel so down about this whole thing and wish he would stop but I know I cant make him he can be really awesome when hes sober but worry if hes like this now what will he be like when older. And does 2 times a week drinking by yourself to that state show signs of alcoholism or am I overacting? Tho sometimes I am sure could be 3 some weeks….

Thanks in advance for reading
love
Elle xxxx

Shellcrusher

Hello and welcome to SR. I'm happy you found us but sad that you had to.

I see similar situations with other posters so you're not alone with your concerns. I won't go into some long dissertation on what I think of your BF, his family and his problems.

If you read around here long enough, you'll see a pattern. We all need to work on ourselves. You're getting ready to go to college. How awesome is that? I dated people for 5 year stints before I went to college. Guess what they became? My high school girlfriends that I no longer date.

I say move on with your life. You have so much in front you and I don't think it's fair to anyone to gets sucked into the Alcoholic game that early in their lives.

m1k3

Hi Elle, I agree with everything Shell said and would like to add my own two cents.

Run Away.

I was married for a long time to an alcoholic wife. In simple words it was hell and continued to slide down and down and down. I would not wish this on anyone.

You are young with your whole life ahead of you and there is so much more you could be doing.

Your friend,

cam76

Hi Elle
You already seem to know that your bf does have a problem with alcohol and has made several attempts to "cut down".
Look at you, with great plans to move on to college! You're gonna do great but only if you really do move on sweetie. He has to deal with his own problems just as you are dealing with your new adventure in life.
Don't end up like me and so many others who let an alcoholic affect us when we were older and take up so many years of our lives.
He can only help himself when he admits he has a problem. You can't help him but you can help yourself x

Recovering2

You are not over reacting. He drinks to the point of losing control of bodily function and wets himself. He blacks out. He drinks in isolation. He comes from 2 alcoholic parents. He is in denial about his Mother's health issues.

And he's only in his early 20's? It is most definitely a progressive disease, so you are right to fear what he will be like when he's older. He will be worse. Worse doesn't just include the mental and physical effects...which will be more pronounced. Worse means the inability to hold a job, to keep relationships, the inability to parent well, the inability to be an engaged husband.

You are young, and you have college in front of you. There is hope for your future. Learn the 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. You have no power over his life and his choices. We have to allow each person the right to make their own choices, even when we know they're bad ones. They need to experience the consequences of those choices without us trying to get in the way by "helping". Example of consequences: family dinner when they're all drinking. It's okay for you to say you're not comfortable and choose to stay home. That's a consequence of his decision to drink at dinner. You will likely get some pushback, even blame. That's okay. The A's reaction doesn't have to change our decision to set a healthy boundary.

If you can, find an AlAnon meeting near you. You will get alot of experience/strength/hope in those rooms. You will learn to set boundaries and detach from this. Make a fresh start when you go to college. There is a much more serene future out there if you want it.

elle123

Thank you everyone for your kind replies means a lot, Its silly but I was so nervous posting & writing it down makes it more real. However it feels like a relieve getting it off my chest, I have talked to friends before but they don't understand really. I will take everything you have all said on board as it all rings true and I suppose before I even posted I knew the answer deep down.

Sometimes its easy to think "its just a couple days a week" & "he's young thats what some young people do" But deep down I know thats not true especially as he isn't out with his friends drinking though I know that wouldn't be good either and his background with his family to.

I still can't help feeling like the bad guy and selfish though which I know doesn't make any sense at all. I'm going to talk to him on Sunday its going to be horrible but I know I have to.

Thank you all so much again

Elle
xx

wicked

Hello Elle,

It is not selfish to NOT want to be around sick people.
It is called self-care.

This story is familiar and so sad and sick.
Please go to college and get on with your life.
They have been living this way for a long, long time,
and it appears their son is following in their footsteps.

I am a recovering alcoholic, and one thing I can tell you for sure,
you are NOT over reacting!
You boyfriend has a serious problem that only HE can deal with and get better.

There is nothing in this world you could do or say to change how much he drinks.
(no matter what he or his parents say, you have no control over him at all)

Please do not spend one more precious second of your one and only life on these
sick people. They are alcoholics and until they decide to do something about it,
it only gets worse.

Elle, take care of your self. Go on and live a great life. This is not yours to fix.

Beth