battlescars

so i've been out of my hometown for some time now; doing international work in various places, in part to keep me away from all the memories that being home would conjure. i have decided to take a contract back home for a few months, mostly to re-establish ties with my family and friends. i've recently found out that my AXF has also moved back to our hometown (after having screwed me out of a bunch of money, having lied about me, and alcoholic classic etcs). how do i do this? how do i go back home knowing that i could very easily run into him? i'm over him love-wise but he put me through such turmoil that i cant easily say that even after the year and a half abroad that if i ran into him in my small town ( like at the bank or some stupid place ) that i wouldn't lose it? any advice or strength or similar stories? thx.

wicked

battlescars,

I almost wrote I do not have anything similar, when my ex husband just came back
here from the deep south after many years. (avoiding going to jail for non payment of
support)
I feel pretty good about myself, and since I long ago forgave him, it was easy to see him.
It was actually very nice to hug him. He is a great hugger.
We were married for 12 years and have two children together, so I can see why you
would not want to run over and hug him.

But, if you feel good about you and have forgiven him, then it should be okay.
If not, maybe it is time to hit some more meetings.

I suggest playing the tape through. You are at the bank, in line and you see him.
What happens next?
How do you feel?
What do you want to do?

Beth

Tuffgirl

I think its a choice we make...not to lose it or get emotionally embroiled with someone under those circumstances.

It won't be easy seeing him, making awkward chit-chat, trying to be nice, etc. But this is what grown ups do. If you choose to handle it with dignity and grace, you will do just that and do it well.

I tell my daughters to 'be the one that got away, not the one they are glad to see go'...meaning what I just said above; dignity and grace, always.

BlueSkies1

I like Wicked's advice.

I also want to add that if you are not to a happy place in your thoughts about seeing him, that you don't have to fake that you are either.
You don't have to smile and say Hello. You don't have to have a conversation just because he initiates one. You can walk off without a word if you so choose to do that.
You alone get to decide what you are comfortable with should you run into him.

I too would play the scenario of running into him through my head. It's like a practice run, preparing yourself, because it could very well happen.

wicked

Yes, exactly.

I love this Tuffgirl. I am going to start thinking this way.

Thank you.

battlescars

i don't know. i mean, in a normal break up, it's fairly easy to handle one's self with grace and dignity and i do. but in a scenario where you were badly treated, cheated on, stolen from, left on a dime, represented as a lunatic, and when there was no attempt at an apology, the adult thing of chitchatting seems almost ridiculous/impossible. this wasn't meant to sound whiny. i am much better now but i haven't forgiven him per se. i have 2 months until i go back home. perhaps that's something to work on in that time. thanks for the advice.

DreamsofSerenity

Couldn't you just say "hello" politely but in a very detached manner, and not stop to chat? Kind of like how you greet someone you hardly know?

Or do you think he'd force you into conversation?

Sometimes when we dread these things, they turn out better than we anticipated.

LexieCat

Sorry, I'm confused. AXF? I thought you were talking about your father, up until you said "cheated on". What's AXF?

DG0409

Friend and F-buddy are the two I can come up with.

DreamsofSerenity

Fiancé?

LexieCat

Oh, yeah, I bet. Fiance.

DG0409

Well, having checked a past thread, I think two are right.

battlescars

sorry i'm maybe not clear about the codes. yes, fiance. thanks again for listening.