I established MY boundary
 

Last night I just couldn't take it anymore. My RA sister called yesterday and was just nasty, mean, condescending, etc. Over the past week she has inserted herself in a negative way into my relationship with my sitter, several friends and the local community service project I'm involved in.

I tried so hard to remain positive. To not take things personally. Then I receive an email wherein she accused ME of lying... said I was shameful. Even though I know the truth, it still stung.

For some reason that email was my final straw. A light went off. I was done. I sent her a reply that said I was tired of her games and that she still insists on creating drama. That she was not to contact me again. That was MY boundary.

Of course, what I got back was a statement that I was the one with the problem and she'd help me... and that I was attacking her recovery.

So confusing. So sad. What am I missing?

Nothing. Either she will eventually come around or she won't. How long has she been "recovering"?

I rank a drama-free life pretty high on my list of life priorities.

It will be 3 years this August since she called me and I took her to a local hospital where she was checked-in as a danger to herself. After a hospital stay she went to therapy, meetings, etc. I have no idea if she is still going.

Yes, drama free is good. Yesterday and last night I had that feeling of dread. The 'nasty pit in my stomach' feeling... the feeling I used to have with all interactions with her. It wasn't until my wonderful husband pointed that out that I clued in. I just cannot go down that road or dance that dance again.

Sounds as if you made a good choice for yourself. At this point, try to let go of analyzing her, because that can keep you emotionally caught up in what you are trying to get away from. Her problem, she's the one who has to fix it.

A person doesn't have to be involved with alcohol in their past, their present, or their future to insert themselves in a negative or bossy way into somebody else's business. Don't we all know of people that have done just that who didn't drink at all !
So her recovery is not just about alcohol.
I have two sisters, one that is extremely bossy, and one that has very narrow view of the "truth" in life with a big T. Both I keep at the required distance. One drinks a normal social amount, the other never drinks.
What I do with all relationships is assess their weak and strong points and limitations. Each relationship is handled accordingly. When I get a phone call or correspondence, I think about it for awhile to see what the motives are. If I smell bad fish, I respond not at all, or in the limited way that protects myself from ulterior motives.
I have to do this with my sisters, else they bulldoze over the top of me, or manipulate me.
Not gonna happen!

I have that nasty pit in my stomach feeling when I speak to my addict brother too, which is why I very rarely speak to him anymore. It makes me especially sad since I lost my closest sister six years ago. And I have one other sibling but she lives far away, so essentially I am sibling-less.

It breaks my heart to know my brother is so alone but I truly can not have that negativity in my life. Mine was a choice of survival. I could either let go of the things that were pulling me down, or go down myself.

As far as your sister's recovery goes, she still sounds like she's got quite a bit of work to do. There's a chance that eventually she will come around and realize she can't treat you the way she does. In the meantime, you have a right to a life free of toxic behavior, no matter who the person is behaving that way!

Thanks everyone. I really needed the perspective.

Alcohol isn’t always the reason someone is mean, nasty and condescending. Sometimes it’s just their personality and the alcohol heightens what already exists.

It’s silly to engage someone under the influence by trying to have a reasonable communication exchange. Even when she has not consumed any alcohol doesn’t mean she’s logically or rational…..you are still dealing with a alcohol saturated brain.

Drawing a line in the sand (boundary) only works if you don’t keep moving that line and re-drawing it.

Do some research on “detaching”.