I'm The Grinch That Stole Christmas
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Africa
Posts: 10
I'm The Grinch That Stole Christmas
Hi All.
I am new here, and I do not even know whether my darling husband has an alcohol problem or not. What I do know, is:
1. I can not have The Talk even one more time; and
2. I would rather divorce (13 years of happily married) than see him drunk even one more time.
So I guess that alone shows that there is a problem. Still I would prefer to sugar-coat it: He just uses too much alcohol, maybe I am indeed over-reacting (as I am being told by him), he will drink less (as he promised 100 times before). So if he indeed has a problem, we are both in denial! 15 years ago his family told me he is an alcoholic. I chose not to believe them. Maybe they were right. Which makes me the fool? I do not know.
The Talk:
Over our 15 years together, we had to have "The Talk" several times. First time was before we got married. Visited family and friends, he drunk, blabla. Next morning I told him I am not interested in getting married to someone who drinks like that. It is the brandy, I was told. And he solemly promised me that he would never drink brandy ever again. Fast forward 13 years: yes, he started drinking brandy again. Again The Talk, again the promise to quit brandy.
The Talk always goes like this: Me: "Please watch your drinking" or "You are drinking too much" or "Please stop drinking till you are drunk every time you drink". Him: "It was only ONE night", "I cannot remember when last I drank that much". Me: "It was not only one night, you cannot remember the other nights because I did not complain." "Try and calculate how much you spend on alcohol / try and count your drinks." Him: "You are over reacting" "You are over sensitive since your dad was an alcoholic". Me: "Lets view it objective, you drink *amount* over a *period*". This is followed by a huge big ugly fight. He cuts down for a month, two, six, and then it starts again.... I notice when it starts, I prefer to ignore it (so much better to believe it is "only once") then it becomes every night, then I can't take it, then we have The Talk.
When we had The Talk in November 2011, I told him that I have reached my end, I can not have The Talk again. January 2012 we decided to start a family, he decided to drink only weekends. January 2013 I tell him I am so proud of him, thank you for only drinking during weekends. He hears "Now you are allowed to get drunk every day of every weekend." May 2013 I ask him to please not get drunk every day of every weekend, I can not stand it to get home after work at 7pm and my hubby, alone at home, is dead-drunk. The Talk. Again. I told him at this point I am seriously considering a divorce, I can not stand his excessive drinking. Huge fight. Again. Six weeks later: drunk. I simply can not take any more.
The Plan:
So we have an appointment at a phycologist next week Wednesday. I believe we can work through this. I am now starting to realise the problem might be bigger than I thought. That I might have married an alcoholic. And that, maybe just because my dad was an alcoholic, I might be desensitised to it and allow more drinking than another wife would, consiously not trying to over react. Off course I would prefer just another fight and just believe that I am over reacting, but if you reach a point where you would rather divorce than have The Talk, the problem might be bigger than I thought.
The Christmas Grinch:
Enter loving wife, also known as The Grinch That Stole Christmas. I feel guilty: why can I not leave him enjoying himself? I feel bad: every one else is enjoying themselves at a party, why can I not leave my husband drinking? I feel stupid: why do I want to leave a fabulous marriage with a "perfect" husband, over one silly thing, alcohol? I am rationalising: he never hurts anyone, he is not an aggressive drunk, why do I want to leave if there is no harm? We have a party on Saturday, maybe just a few drinks wouldn't hurt. But one too many will hurt a lot: it will be the end.
This makes me realise I might be part of the problem at this stage. And that the answer is to draw the line. And that we both need help to get through this.
So sometimes someone has to be the Grinch. Even if I steal his Christmas.
I am just reaching out to any help I can get at this stage. It is so confusing, so terrible, so hurtfull, to see someone you love so much getting drunk. Again and Again.
I am new here, and I do not even know whether my darling husband has an alcohol problem or not. What I do know, is:
1. I can not have The Talk even one more time; and
2. I would rather divorce (13 years of happily married) than see him drunk even one more time.
So I guess that alone shows that there is a problem. Still I would prefer to sugar-coat it: He just uses too much alcohol, maybe I am indeed over-reacting (as I am being told by him), he will drink less (as he promised 100 times before). So if he indeed has a problem, we are both in denial! 15 years ago his family told me he is an alcoholic. I chose not to believe them. Maybe they were right. Which makes me the fool? I do not know.
The Talk:
Over our 15 years together, we had to have "The Talk" several times. First time was before we got married. Visited family and friends, he drunk, blabla. Next morning I told him I am not interested in getting married to someone who drinks like that. It is the brandy, I was told. And he solemly promised me that he would never drink brandy ever again. Fast forward 13 years: yes, he started drinking brandy again. Again The Talk, again the promise to quit brandy.
The Talk always goes like this: Me: "Please watch your drinking" or "You are drinking too much" or "Please stop drinking till you are drunk every time you drink". Him: "It was only ONE night", "I cannot remember when last I drank that much". Me: "It was not only one night, you cannot remember the other nights because I did not complain." "Try and calculate how much you spend on alcohol / try and count your drinks." Him: "You are over reacting" "You are over sensitive since your dad was an alcoholic". Me: "Lets view it objective, you drink *amount* over a *period*". This is followed by a huge big ugly fight. He cuts down for a month, two, six, and then it starts again.... I notice when it starts, I prefer to ignore it (so much better to believe it is "only once") then it becomes every night, then I can't take it, then we have The Talk.
When we had The Talk in November 2011, I told him that I have reached my end, I can not have The Talk again. January 2012 we decided to start a family, he decided to drink only weekends. January 2013 I tell him I am so proud of him, thank you for only drinking during weekends. He hears "Now you are allowed to get drunk every day of every weekend." May 2013 I ask him to please not get drunk every day of every weekend, I can not stand it to get home after work at 7pm and my hubby, alone at home, is dead-drunk. The Talk. Again. I told him at this point I am seriously considering a divorce, I can not stand his excessive drinking. Huge fight. Again. Six weeks later: drunk. I simply can not take any more.
The Plan:
So we have an appointment at a phycologist next week Wednesday. I believe we can work through this. I am now starting to realise the problem might be bigger than I thought. That I might have married an alcoholic. And that, maybe just because my dad was an alcoholic, I might be desensitised to it and allow more drinking than another wife would, consiously not trying to over react. Off course I would prefer just another fight and just believe that I am over reacting, but if you reach a point where you would rather divorce than have The Talk, the problem might be bigger than I thought.
The Christmas Grinch:
Enter loving wife, also known as The Grinch That Stole Christmas. I feel guilty: why can I not leave him enjoying himself? I feel bad: every one else is enjoying themselves at a party, why can I not leave my husband drinking? I feel stupid: why do I want to leave a fabulous marriage with a "perfect" husband, over one silly thing, alcohol? I am rationalising: he never hurts anyone, he is not an aggressive drunk, why do I want to leave if there is no harm? We have a party on Saturday, maybe just a few drinks wouldn't hurt. But one too many will hurt a lot: it will be the end.
This makes me realise I might be part of the problem at this stage. And that the answer is to draw the line. And that we both need help to get through this.
So sometimes someone has to be the Grinch. Even if I steal his Christmas.
I am just reaching out to any help I can get at this stage. It is so confusing, so terrible, so hurtfull, to see someone you love so much getting drunk. Again and Again.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello, TheGrinch, and Welcome!
I suspect that if your husband were so perfect, you would not be here, right? None of us is perfect, but in your own words:
We can't control whether or not our loved ones drink, but we also do not have to have a front row seat to the craziness, either.
Please stick around and read all you can. SR is a great place for support. I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons why.
I suspect that if your husband were so perfect, you would not be here, right? None of us is perfect, but in your own words:
It is so confusing, so terrible, so hurtfull, to see someone you love so much getting drunk. Again and Again.
Please stick around and read all you can. SR is a great place for support. I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons why.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, Grinch,
Your story is VERY familiar. This is a progressive disease, and yes, it WILL get worse over time. I take it you do not yet have children? You most assuredly do NOT want to have children with this man--not as long as he is drinking (and I would wait until he has a SOLID year of COMPLETE sobriety). Unfortunately, he sounds nowhere near ready to give it up.
I hope you will stick around here, and also give Al-Anon a try. You are NOT blowing this out of proportion. And we all understand the urge to overlook the problem for as long as we can. But now you know, and it isn't going away on its own.
Your story is VERY familiar. This is a progressive disease, and yes, it WILL get worse over time. I take it you do not yet have children? You most assuredly do NOT want to have children with this man--not as long as he is drinking (and I would wait until he has a SOLID year of COMPLETE sobriety). Unfortunately, he sounds nowhere near ready to give it up.
I hope you will stick around here, and also give Al-Anon a try. You are NOT blowing this out of proportion. And we all understand the urge to overlook the problem for as long as we can. But now you know, and it isn't going away on its own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Grinch,
When I first found this forum and came here, I too doubted my husband was a true "alcoholic" in the sense of the word. He's a very well respected professional, never missed a day of work, never sick, never angry, never argumentative just seemed to drink too much at times and other times not so much. Therefore, in my eyes he couldn't be an alcoholic. He wasn't fall down drunk everyday and homeless and mean, my perception of what an alcoholic should look like.
Boy was I wrong! We had the same cycles you had, 2011 you need to "cut down" and he would for days , weeks, months and then it progressed back again and the cycle would repeat again and again and again over the years. I started reading here, researching alcoholism and looking at things from a different view. It started to all make sense when I put two and two together. His behaviors at home were a reflection of the disease..not wanting to eat dinner with me and the kids (buzz kill)...not wanting to go out much (so he could stay home and drink)...never going to a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol..not being involved in the family and kids activities..not being emotionally available. When I started realizing just how much his behaviors were the result of alcohol it was like a light bulb went off. He is truly without a doubt an alcoholic. Every alcoholic is different.
I recommend you start by focusing on you. You can't change your DH or make him stop . drinking if he doesn't want to. That has to come from him. Even seeing a psychologist wont change things if he doesn't see there is a problem with his drinking. It has to come from within him. The only person you can change is yourself. See if you can get to an Al anon meeting in your area. They are a great sense of support for you and will help you to navigate your feelings and work on yourself.
When I first found this forum and came here, I too doubted my husband was a true "alcoholic" in the sense of the word. He's a very well respected professional, never missed a day of work, never sick, never angry, never argumentative just seemed to drink too much at times and other times not so much. Therefore, in my eyes he couldn't be an alcoholic. He wasn't fall down drunk everyday and homeless and mean, my perception of what an alcoholic should look like.
Boy was I wrong! We had the same cycles you had, 2011 you need to "cut down" and he would for days , weeks, months and then it progressed back again and the cycle would repeat again and again and again over the years. I started reading here, researching alcoholism and looking at things from a different view. It started to all make sense when I put two and two together. His behaviors at home were a reflection of the disease..not wanting to eat dinner with me and the kids (buzz kill)...not wanting to go out much (so he could stay home and drink)...never going to a restaurant that didn't serve alcohol..not being involved in the family and kids activities..not being emotionally available. When I started realizing just how much his behaviors were the result of alcohol it was like a light bulb went off. He is truly without a doubt an alcoholic. Every alcoholic is different.
I recommend you start by focusing on you. You can't change your DH or make him stop . drinking if he doesn't want to. That has to come from him. Even seeing a psychologist wont change things if he doesn't see there is a problem with his drinking. It has to come from within him. The only person you can change is yourself. See if you can get to an Al anon meeting in your area. They are a great sense of support for you and will help you to navigate your feelings and work on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The thing is it's progressive. What starts off as an annoying habit seems to snowball into a full blown addiction. When I married my husband, we were just having fun (I thought). Five years into the marriage, he was hiding vodka. What's telling is that it's a problem for you, and he isn't serious about addressing it. The next question is what you do with that situation. What do you do in a marriage when someone doesn't respect your boundaries? Is this a circumstance you can live with? For how long?
Hello and welcome.
Hello and welcome.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Grinch, I would like to point out that there is a pretty much general agreement by those in treatment circles that there is little value in couples or marital counseling while that alcoholic is actively drinking. As a matter of fact, it often makes it harder for the n on-drinking partner. However, individual therapy for you, individually could be very valuable at this time. At any rate, you will get to discuss this openly with the psychologist--I hope
dandylion.
dandylion.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Grinch.
Lots of great feedback so far, so I will only add my hello, and I hope you stick around and do some reading here. The "stickeys" at the top of our main page are full of wise threads in which I am sure you will find some commonalities.
Keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Lots of great feedback so far, so I will only add my hello, and I hope you stick around and do some reading here. The "stickeys" at the top of our main page are full of wise threads in which I am sure you will find some commonalities.
Keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Africa
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for responding. SR truly is a great place for support.
My DH asked me to tell him what to do, said he would do anything not to loose me. I said councelling and quit drinking completely. He immediately agreed. I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him. In our 15 years together we have overcome realy difficult situations. I'm not talking small stuff, I'm talking grounds-for-divorce stuff. (Let me clarify: no infidility, violence or any one-on-one stuff, but external bad stuff, like money, rape, work situations, family, depression, etc). I might just be idealistic, but I truly from-the-bottom-of-my-heart believe we can get trough this. After this pattern has repeated itself for 13 years, I only realised in November 2011 that there is a problem. As I said, I think I am/was in denial with him.
Since he is so willing to do anything to save our marriage, I started feeling like the Grinch that Stole Christmas for taking away his alcohol. Reading on SR showed me that A's are minipulative by nature and that I have to stand firm this time. SR also showed me that it realy is a problem. So I am okey with being the Grinch.
The psycologist that we are going to see, was on reference from my pshyciatrist and this psycologist specialises in marriage councelling where alcohol abuse/alcoholism is present. From what I have read, the first step would be for him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he is only quitting because I want him to.
I choose to believe that we are going to be a success story. We have come so far and we have been through so much and, with help, we can get through this. Should he, however, not realise the magnitude of the situation, I am willing to get out of the marriage. For me. I am, besides, only 41 years young and have the rest of my life to live. But I owe it to myself to give this my best shot in tackling the problem. Therefore I am so thankfull for your support and responses. Thanks!
My DH asked me to tell him what to do, said he would do anything not to loose me. I said councelling and quit drinking completely. He immediately agreed. I know that he truly loves me and I truly love him. In our 15 years together we have overcome realy difficult situations. I'm not talking small stuff, I'm talking grounds-for-divorce stuff. (Let me clarify: no infidility, violence or any one-on-one stuff, but external bad stuff, like money, rape, work situations, family, depression, etc). I might just be idealistic, but I truly from-the-bottom-of-my-heart believe we can get trough this. After this pattern has repeated itself for 13 years, I only realised in November 2011 that there is a problem. As I said, I think I am/was in denial with him.
Since he is so willing to do anything to save our marriage, I started feeling like the Grinch that Stole Christmas for taking away his alcohol. Reading on SR showed me that A's are minipulative by nature and that I have to stand firm this time. SR also showed me that it realy is a problem. So I am okey with being the Grinch.
The psycologist that we are going to see, was on reference from my pshyciatrist and this psycologist specialises in marriage councelling where alcohol abuse/alcoholism is present. From what I have read, the first step would be for him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he is only quitting because I want him to.
I choose to believe that we are going to be a success story. We have come so far and we have been through so much and, with help, we can get through this. Should he, however, not realise the magnitude of the situation, I am willing to get out of the marriage. For me. I am, besides, only 41 years young and have the rest of my life to live. But I owe it to myself to give this my best shot in tackling the problem. Therefore I am so thankfull for your support and responses. Thanks!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Africa
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by TheGrinch 
My DH asked me to tell him what to do, said he would do anything not to loose me. I said councelling and quit drinking completely. He immediately agreed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Grinch,
I just want to explain a few things, based on my own experience in two marriages to alcoholics, and my own recovery from alcoholism. You seem to think you are the one "taking away his fun." I wouldn't worry about that. If he isn't ready to quit drinking, he will continue to drink. You don't have the POWER to make him stop. And when he says he will "do anything to save the marriage" he may be perfectly sincere. But unless he finds some INTERNAL motivation, beyond trying to please you or keep the marriage intact, his chances of success are not that great.
The way I read these posts of yours, I get the sense that you think this is a problem that the two of you can tackle together. There's a lot of "team spirit" coming across in your posts. While it is good to be supportive of an alcoholic's efforts to recover, most of the help we can give involves just staying the hell out of it. Alcoholism is different from most other conditions and problems in life. Overcoming it is the exclusive responsibility of the person with the problem. Spouses and partners can be patient with early-sobriety mood swings and such, and with the alcoholic's preoccupation with recovery work, but efforts to take an active role in that recovery are likely to backfire.
I just want to explain a few things, based on my own experience in two marriages to alcoholics, and my own recovery from alcoholism. You seem to think you are the one "taking away his fun." I wouldn't worry about that. If he isn't ready to quit drinking, he will continue to drink. You don't have the POWER to make him stop. And when he says he will "do anything to save the marriage" he may be perfectly sincere. But unless he finds some INTERNAL motivation, beyond trying to please you or keep the marriage intact, his chances of success are not that great.
The way I read these posts of yours, I get the sense that you think this is a problem that the two of you can tackle together. There's a lot of "team spirit" coming across in your posts. While it is good to be supportive of an alcoholic's efforts to recover, most of the help we can give involves just staying the hell out of it. Alcoholism is different from most other conditions and problems in life. Overcoming it is the exclusive responsibility of the person with the problem. Spouses and partners can be patient with early-sobriety mood swings and such, and with the alcoholic's preoccupation with recovery work, but efforts to take an active role in that recovery are likely to backfire.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Africa
Posts: 10
Thank you!
Lexi, especially to you a big thank you. I need to hear that "sometimes the best thing to do is to stay the hell out of it". That's the reason I joined this forum, to learn from other's valuable experience.
Lexi, especially to you a big thank you. I need to hear that "sometimes the best thing to do is to stay the hell out of it". That's the reason I joined this forum, to learn from other's valuable experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Africa
Posts: 10
Hi Guys,
Just thought to drop in and give some feedback. Since posting my first post, I have done a lot of soul-searching and a lot of SR reading. So here is where I am at: Yup, big problem. Our (me & hubby's) problem? No. His drinking = his problem. He has to sort it out. If and When and How he wants to. I learn't the 3 C's and can now confidently say: I did not cause it, I can not control it, I can not cure it.
His denial? Not my problem. His "boys weekend" ahead? Not my problem. The more I read, the more I realised I have my own big problem. I now *think* I get what you guys have been saying all along. And I even have even been able to lable my problem: Co-Dependency. I bought the book of Melodie "Co-dependant No More" and its going to be lovely reading material the weekend. With what I have read so far on SR, I also realised that feeling like the Grinch That Stole Christmas was exactly that: textbook-Co-Dependancy.
So we went to our first session at the psycologist this morning. And it also was our last session together. She's going to see us seperately and work with us individually. I'm looking forward to MY healing: the psycologist is absolutely awesome! In a few minutes (when she asked about my previous relationships before getting married) I heard myself say: "And I just went from one abusive relationship to another kind of abuse in a relationship." And then the penny dropped......
Whether he continues with therapy? Not my problem. You guys were SO right: he is nowhere near ready to quit drinking. Yet again: My problem? No. Our problem? No. Its his and his alone. I have my own problems to deal with. I do have a distinct feeling that I am going to need a lot of support. And it's kinda weird how I only now realise that his drinking was "hidden" from so many people. We get kinda good at been good Co-Dependants, don't we? LOL.
So I am exited to be on the road to MY recovery, nervous to see what's going to happen in our marriage, and very very glad I found SR. My first sober weekend in years were absolutely great and my last act of co-dependancy was on 23 June when I woke him to climb in bed. Detachment is my new friend. And I am learning a whole lot more about me, this disease, and my AH. Proud of myself to be able to recognise it now for what it is: my AH. And then: My own disease.
Take care all of you and thank you for your advices!
The New-and-Improved Grinch
Just thought to drop in and give some feedback. Since posting my first post, I have done a lot of soul-searching and a lot of SR reading. So here is where I am at: Yup, big problem. Our (me & hubby's) problem? No. His drinking = his problem. He has to sort it out. If and When and How he wants to. I learn't the 3 C's and can now confidently say: I did not cause it, I can not control it, I can not cure it.
His denial? Not my problem. His "boys weekend" ahead? Not my problem. The more I read, the more I realised I have my own big problem. I now *think* I get what you guys have been saying all along. And I even have even been able to lable my problem: Co-Dependency. I bought the book of Melodie "Co-dependant No More" and its going to be lovely reading material the weekend. With what I have read so far on SR, I also realised that feeling like the Grinch That Stole Christmas was exactly that: textbook-Co-Dependancy.
So we went to our first session at the psycologist this morning. And it also was our last session together. She's going to see us seperately and work with us individually. I'm looking forward to MY healing: the psycologist is absolutely awesome! In a few minutes (when she asked about my previous relationships before getting married) I heard myself say: "And I just went from one abusive relationship to another kind of abuse in a relationship." And then the penny dropped......
Whether he continues with therapy? Not my problem. You guys were SO right: he is nowhere near ready to quit drinking. Yet again: My problem? No. Our problem? No. Its his and his alone. I have my own problems to deal with. I do have a distinct feeling that I am going to need a lot of support. And it's kinda weird how I only now realise that his drinking was "hidden" from so many people. We get kinda good at been good Co-Dependants, don't we? LOL.
So I am exited to be on the road to MY recovery, nervous to see what's going to happen in our marriage, and very very glad I found SR. My first sober weekend in years were absolutely great and my last act of co-dependancy was on 23 June when I woke him to climb in bed. Detachment is my new friend. And I am learning a whole lot more about me, this disease, and my AH. Proud of myself to be able to recognise it now for what it is: my AH. And then: My own disease.
Take care all of you and thank you for your advices!
The New-and-Improved Grinch
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, doin' great, there, Ms. Grinch. Glad to hear the therapist is working separately with the two of you. Joint counseling when one of the partners is actively drinking is usually less than helpful.
Keep on keepin' on!
Keep on keepin' on!
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