AH's ffamily coming to visit
 

I hate my MIL. She is so in denial it makes me sick. All of her children are f**k ups and my AH is her golden boy not quite the biggest f**k up in the family but nearly.
I am angry angry angry today. She is coming to visit next week and bringing her other two sons with her. My husband is already trying to get me to leave our son with her for an entire day so that we can work. No way!!!!!!
He means leave him from 6am until 10pm and drive 2 and a half hours away. I just recently had to give up work because our son was unable to settle at a childminders. My AH is saying it would be ok because he would be with his Grandma. No I don't think so.
I'm pretty angry any way since he told me they were coming because the brothers are opinionated and 1 of them (the 1 who hasn't ever had a job in his life, his job is growing weed) still hasn't acknowledged that my sister has died. He did send a text when we put our dog to sleep a few weeks ago. I loved my lovely dog but what does that say about a persons priorities?
The other brother(a drug and alcohol counsellor!!!) who is permanently anxious has some empathy as he's seen my AH out of his mind and being totally aggressive.
And the MIL well she just creates her own reality.
I'm pretty anxious about the whole thing.
My AH is gonna get on it big style and cue teenage behaviour around his brothers..........embarrassing.
I'm gonna be on here a lot.
I'm gonna need support to help keep my lip buttoned.....hard when she paints a picture of herself as the perfect mother and thinks that everything I do is wrong.

I have my issues with my A's family. I get on ok with his mother but she is pretty useless, and I can't stand his passive aggressive sister and I think his dad is a looser. For me though I've come to realise that a lot of my animosity towards Them is because I was looking to them to help and support me. Now I just turn to my friends and family and understand that's they are HIS family and whilst I don't have to be their best mate, if I'm with him I do have to accept and be civil to them. Like he has to mine. I just stopped relying on them for emotional support and left his family to him without coming across rude.

You're right. I turned to his mother for help when he was at his worst and she was really sympathetic and supportive until I left then she cut me dead. Unfortunately I didn't stay away and ever since then I've harboured a grudge. I know intellectually that I shouldn't expect support from them but I am sometimes overwhelmed by the strength of my feelings. It runs pretty deep for me I guess. All stuff for me to look at in my own recovery. Thank you for sharing your experience. I needed that x

I'm with KKE on this one, Java. Best to accept them for who they are, and do what you can to be civil and gracious, and stay out of their way as much as possible.

Is there a valid reason why the boy can't stay with Grandma?

The first time me and my A split up a mutual friend asked his sister if she had spoken to me. Her response was "I have no reason to speak to her now". Says it all doesnt it? and to a certain extent, true, what does she owe me? The second time we split up he did his usual and ran back to his mum (who I was meant to have a good relationship with) and she didn't bother to text or call to see if I was ok for over a month. In the end I called her because I was so gob smacked that even after all the support etc I'd given my partner (that she had seen), when it came down to it, blood really was thicker than water. As it usually is.

Those are just two examples (I've got loads) of their behaviour that led me to change the way I am with them. I'm not rude but I don't go out of my way. In fact I haven't attended a family function now (his family) for nearly 2 years now. I also keep in my mind that they knew him for a lot longer than me. They had every opportunity to challenge him about his drinking and have had opportunities since I've been with him. They didn't and I know that even if they did it would make very little difference anyway. It's easier for them not to.

I really think you should focus that energy on your friends and family when he is mixing with his. I do that and it really helps me.

Ditto. I wanted them to back me, but they backed him despite all he'd done. Now I'm the bad guy.

It's a reflection of them and their codependency, not of me.

I'm not sure what the work situation is, but if you don't feel comfortable leaving your son with Grandma, don't. If you're just being angry and don't have a real reason not to, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Thanks all,
I know that following my remarks that you may be dubious that I am deciding not to leave my son with his Grandma for all the wrong reasons but fact is he's only 19 months old and has been going through a really clingy phase. His grandmother lives 300 miles away so he only sees her every few months so he's not used to being left with her all the time. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him for that long with anyone, especially if I couldn't get to him quickly. Also it's my birthday that day and he's my favourite person in the whole world......why wouldn't I want to spend my birthday with my favourite person?
In this sense I am responding as a mother not a scorned daughter in law.
On all the other stuff however.......I got work to do, I know. *looks bashful*
xxx

Allavita,
Thanks. What a sweet post. I have ordered the Melodie Beattie book and am eagerly awaiting it's arrival....god knows I need it. My next Al-Anon meeting is on Monday and they arrive on Tuesday so well timed.
I did laugh a little bit when you said about your STBXAH moving back home........now that would be worth seeing!!!! I often think that about my AH (a guilty pleasure of mine)
:)