sali389

I have met a woman, that I have developed deep feelings for who is only in her 38th day after a 7 month relapse. She tells me she has deep feelings for me but is struggling, for it is suggested that she has no love relationship till she is 1 yr sober. I am looking for advice. She is going to AA meetings and I am trying to help encourage her.

Florence

The first thing I learned to ask myself was why I was attracted to people in crisis.

Hi and welcome. You're going to get a lot of sage advice here from people who have been through it and worse. Please stick around.

LexieCat

If she is struggling because your appearance on the scene is conflicting with the (very sensible) advice she has been given about avoiding new relationships during the first year of sobriety, I suggest you back off and let her recover. Tell her to give you a call when she celebrates her first year sober.

Trust me, that's for the benefit of BOTH of you.

AnvilheadII

let her be, let her work on staying sober and going to meetings. trust me, she'll have her hands full with that. this is not YOUR time...not with her.

Shellcrusher

Here's my thoughts.
My AW (alcoholic wife) seems to be missing something deep inside of her. She turns to the bottle among other things to try and fill that void. Nothing ever seems to make her feel content.

For those of us involved with an active or recovering alcoholic, you'll find a common theme. We all need to learn how to work on ourselves. See, the As in our lives not only use the bottle to fill their voids but they use us, which is draining. So we/I had to relearn to fill my holes that were drained from years of being with an Alcoholic.

I don't know the teachings of AA or why they suggest 1 year but I can imagine it has something to do with learning how to make yourself happy before trying to be happy with someone else.

So yeah, I'd be giving her the time she needs.

LexieCat

There are a lot of good reasons. First, it is a distraction. New relationships suck up a lot of emotional energy--energy that is better focused on recovery work. Second, the majority of new relationships have their ups and downs. Many of them don't make it, or involve drama. Neither drama nor heartbreak is easy for the newly sober to handle. The best thing is to avoid unnecessary risk of either until one is solidly sober. And finally, the newly sober don't have all their marbles back--and they usually don't for quite some time. They typically are not great company--they are often moody, prone to bouts of self-pity, confusion, mood swings, etc. So they are not much good to anyone for a while.

It isn't a hard and fast rule, but it's sort of a rule of thumb, and a good one, IMO.

sali389

Thank you! She says she doesn't want to lose me? When I seem to back away a little she ends up contacting me. She did have a period of 16 years of sobriety prior to this 7 month relapse. I'm afraid she will always turn to a relationship to fill her void, and am afraid of someone hurting her while she is vulnerable. I realize she needs to focus on herself and not me.

LexieCat

Well, you can tell her kindly but firmly that for both of your sakes, this is not going to happen--the relationship--until she gets herself on solid ground. You can tell her you have faith in her, but that she needs to rely on other sober alcoholics as her support right now.

If she goes to pieces, it will not be your fault. She can't use you as a recovery prop--it isn't fair to either one of you.

Just my suggestion, as someone who has been married to two alcoholics and is now sober, herself, for almost five years. Incidentally, my first husband was sober over a year when we married, and 33 years later he is still continuously sober--never picked up another drink. I didn't take my own advice when I married the second husband a matter of months after he almost died from drinking. He went back to it very soon after our marriage (or even before--I suspect I was willfully blind). Sure wish I had waited.

sali389

Thank you, what makes this hard is that I see days such promise. I encourage her to get support. I realize our relationship is not her priority, her sobriety has to come first, always. In fact tonight she is spending the evening with a friend and A for she says it always makes her feel better. We don't spend a lot of time together for this reason.

Recovering2

Don't get caught up in "helping her" with her recovery, or worrying about someone hurting her while she's vulnerable. Those are her issues to handle, not yours. Interesting that she is already exhibiting an A behavior with you...tell you she's struggling so you back away...then she contacts you. The A will always attempt to pull you back in when you decide to take care of you.

My best advice....wish her well with her recovery, but step out of her way until she has a minimum of one year under her belt.

fluffyflea

[
If you really care about her and yourself let her have her year.




QUOTE=sali389;4039532]I have met a woman, that I have developed deep feelings for who is only in her 38th day after a 7 month relapse. She tells me she has deep feelings for me but is struggling, for it is suggested that she has no love relationship till she is 1 yr sober. I am looking for advice. She is going to AA meetings and I am trying to help encourage her.[/QUOTE]

DG0409

As a recovering alcoholic, I would say absolutely DO NOT enter into a relationship at this point. For your sake and hers.

ZenMe

I would like to add from my experience. That they drain you, make you feel like priority number 3,4,5 and later you are all pissed off because after spending all that time and energy, based on their actions not their words, you notice they don't give a damn or reciprocate.

Anger! haha because you were investing too much of your time and energy in them, hoping for a payout that doesn't materialize how you expect it to.

Back to the original post...I agree with everyone saying it's a good idea to back off for reasons previously stated. Have fun on working on some cool new stuff for you and it's already JUNE, this year is going by fast.

Less is more.

fluffyflea

For me a relationship in the first year meant a distraction and going from being dependent on alcohol to being dependent on the relationship to make me happy.

Not a hot idea in the first year.

sali389

Update, I have decided to step away from her to give her the time that is recommended because I love her. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told her that I was stepping away because I loved her and myself. I told her to contact me when she has made it one year, if that's what she wants. She has taken a piece of my heart.........

DreamsofSerenity

Good for you! Who knows? You may end up together after all..