Why do Alcoholics...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but you can vent to other ears that have the capacity to really HEAR what you are saying......
remember the saying....PAIN is inevitable, SUFFERING is optional. that's where OUR power of choice comes in...........
remember the saying....PAIN is inevitable, SUFFERING is optional. that's where OUR power of choice comes in...........
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain 
I needed this too, thank you EVERYONE
I think that the early time when you meet them and they are madly in love and sweep you off your feet and go above and beyond for you....I have been thinking that it's the very young part of themself wanting love and nurturing as we all do. Like a baby, their feelings in this stage are very very strong.
And our part in the mess (ok, MY part) is that my inner infant responds IN. TENSE. LY. I am hooked, if he has qualities looks, etc that ring my chimes.
I've fallen for true psychopaths, true Narcissistic Personality Disordered, Borderlines, loads of A's... (FOO--it's a frikken killer)...and i can say, the psychopath and the NPD were different. There was a coldness--malevolently playing me. The others who charmed my pants off WERE really head over heels, but I think it's different in that they were sincere.
Unfortunately, they couldn't sustain that level of connectedness with another person.
Meanwhile, as a codependent, I respond from that inner child place, which is ALSO close to the surface. I respond because my "inner child" RECOGNIZES another infantile adult and feels safe.
That reversion to infant-mind is so hard to manage. And then, SHAZAAM! Were hooked.
I think that the early time when you meet them and they are madly in love and sweep you off your feet and go above and beyond for you....I have been thinking that it's the very young part of themself wanting love and nurturing as we all do. Like a baby, their feelings in this stage are very very strong.
And our part in the mess (ok, MY part) is that my inner infant responds IN. TENSE. LY. I am hooked, if he has qualities looks, etc that ring my chimes.
I've fallen for true psychopaths, true Narcissistic Personality Disordered, Borderlines, loads of A's... (FOO--it's a frikken killer)...and i can say, the psychopath and the NPD were different. There was a coldness--malevolently playing me. The others who charmed my pants off WERE really head over heels, but I think it's different in that they were sincere.
Unfortunately, they couldn't sustain that level of connectedness with another person.
Meanwhile, as a codependent, I respond from that inner child place, which is ALSO close to the surface. I respond because my "inner child" RECOGNIZES another infantile adult and feels safe.
That reversion to infant-mind is so hard to manage. And then, SHAZAAM! Were hooked.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
But YOU know that's not the reality, right?
Love the picture of your pup by the way.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The more you can consciously pull your focus off others and onto yourself, the easier it will become to process these feelings of frustration, both now and in the future. Acceptance is sometimes more important than understanding.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Active (and many recovering) alcoholics are simply incapable of having a relationship. What I learned was the alcoholic wasn't the problem, the problem was my attitude to the problem. The endless denial and rationalization. Alanon cut through that and saved my sanity.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The more you can consciously pull your focus off others and onto yourself, the easier it will become to process these feelings of frustration, both now and in the future. Acceptance is sometimes more important than understanding.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I could've and should've walked away sooner.
You made the best decisions you could at the time, and look where it let you - HERE - to work on yourself! You are worth so much more than he was capable of being.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Virginia
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by firebolt
Be gentile with yourself on this. I'd beat myself to death over this if it wasn't for SR and good friends. Guilt for this will lead you to positive change - shame for this will drive us down, down down.
You made the best decisions you could at the time, and look where it let you - HERE - to work on yourself! You are worth so much more than he was capable of being.
You made the best decisions you could at the time, and look where it let you - HERE - to work on yourself! You are worth so much more than he was capable of being.
You know, isn't it great how they come in and tear things to pieces and then walk away and continue on with their merry little lives and never feel one ounce of remorse?
I'm so angry I could breathe fire today.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm all over the place from one day to the next and I don't feel like I can come to a solid conclusion for how I feel about the situation. One day I might feel panicked and sad that he is gone but humiliated at the same time, the next day I may feel pity for him and some guilt after thinking about what he is going through. Then, on another day -- like today -- I feel super angry to the point I screamed in my car to release the anger. I feel like I'm 5 years old today pitching a fit. How dare he betray me? How dare he hurt me like he did and tear up my world when I was open and honest with him and told him what I went through in my prior relationship? He threatened me so many times and I feel so angry about that. This person that I trusted. To the point where this morning I felt like looking up his ex-wife and calling her and telling her everything about his DUIs, drug use, etc. so that she would know since they have a child together. And then - in my anger - I even contemplated reporting his DUIs to the licensing board since he had threatened me in the same way (I have a clean record and didn't do anything he just wanted to embarrass me).
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