Surprising relief after no contact
 

So, I posted before (and you were all so supportive and helpful) about setting a boundary with my boyfriend when he drank after rehab, his it from me, then got upset when I tried to talk to him about it seriously. He told me to "cool it or find someone else," explaining his drinking wasn't so bad. And I told him to take some time to deal with what's on his mind and his plate, and if he can be straight with me and serious about recovery, he knows where I am, but I can't take any deceit or self-disregard. We don't live together and our relationship isn't all that long. This was a couple nights ago. We haven't been on touch.

So, here's the thing. I need to admit this. I'm feeling relief. After what we just went through -- finding him bloody on the floor, taking him to the ER for an 8 day ER/ICU stay where 5 doctors said they almost lost him and he'd die if he went back to drinking, to 30 day rehab where I know he learned a lot and wanted to hang on but is seriously fighting his own demons.... I am exhausted. And these last couple days, while I am grieving a different way because my new love is likely gone ( and maybe wasn't what I thought), I ache for that loss and for the sadness that he is this sick and destroying himself.... but... For myself I feel some relief. Peace. Deeper breaths.

I feel some guilt about that, which is why I'm posting. But I intuitively I also know there's a reason I feel relief.

I love him and if he could care for himself and get herby that would be amazing, but I paid good attention and don't see that in his cards right now, he isn't ready and he told me that with his words and actions. No amount of me believing in him changes that.

So I feel a little lighter. Is that how it is when setting these boundaries? What do you do with the guilt for feeling relief, when he's out there tortueinf himself? I feel it though, I do. I guess I just needed to share that with someone.

Thanks everybody. In just my short time here, this place has been such a big talk to you straight group hug.

I guess it's just coming to the realization that we are only responsible for ourselves.
You realise you can't do it for him & although you hope he will get sober it's not enough to stay.
You shouldn't feel guilty because the only one who can make him sober is himself.

sadie, perhaps what you are feeling is actually compassion--which I can certainly understand! Some of us who are naturally empathetic and lean easily toward compassion also tend to feel guilty if we don't or CAN'T help out. In this case it is sooo difficult because the help has to come from himself.

It seems to me that you are looking at this situation in a very realistic way---even though you are sad. You will, undoubtedly grieve the loss of the relationship, as we do when we loose anything we have put our heart into.

We will be here to support you at any time!!

dandylion

Probably you are feeling acceptance of the situation too. Hence the relief.

Thanks everybody. Yah, I suppose acceptance is part of it and definitely compassion. I just wouldn't have expected I'd feel something that's so noticeably relief so fast. And the guilt is over the idea that I feel better, while I've abandoned him. I'm not doubting the boundary, I just know he has nobody else.

A recovering alcoholic friend told me this is part of the consequence he needs to feel, that he isn't ready and he's going to lose more things in his life, me included. I get that logically, but it's so so sad.

So the relief when it IS so sad is why I feel so guilty.

Thanks for all your words. They help.

You haven,t abandonned him. He:s abandonned himself.