What to do!!

Old 06-26-2013, 01:59 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Unhappy What to do!!

Hi all,
first time posting on here.
Ive been with my partner for 4 years now. He has always liked a drink in the pub and my work has mostly in them 4 years been pub based. It used to be just a few a week but the last year its gotten out of hand.
He will get drunk atleast twice a week. Usually resulting in him being sick atleast once a week. I even had to stop the car on the way home last week after picking him up from the pub because he needed to be sick! He doesnt seem to be able to have just one or two. He doesnt drink every night, but when he does he cant seem to just have a couple anymore.
Around about every 6-8 weeks he willl turn on me. He will get drunk and because im annoyed with him for yet again being drunk, usually when im looking after his kids (we dont have any together), he picks a fight. This fight results in him walking me around the house nit picking at stupid things like a towel on the floor, or a dirty sink. He has only once got violent, and kicked an emtpy fish tank that was in the liviing room smashing the glass everywhere. His kids then came up to go home and saw this smashed. Yet he doesnt think he has a problem. If i say why do you drink he tells me its becuase he has nothing else. He tells me that he didnt want the flat we live in, he moved there to make me happy but that i live like a pig (bearing in mind i work a 50+hrs a week job!).
I cant get him to see that he has a problem. I even ended up on antidepressents because i felt so low and worthless and full of anxiety. anxiety of when i was doing to do something wrong and cause him to shout at me whilst he is drunk. Even his kids make comments the youngest is only seven!!
Its currently ten pm and he is in the pub with his 7yr old little girl, he thinks thats ok because he is doing what he wants to do. she has school tomorrow.
To top it all off i found him locked in a toilet cubicle a few weeks back with what i thought was a friend of ours, she no longer is. They had two different stories as to why they were in there, but i cant get to the bottom of it eathier way.
I love him and i want to be with him. But i cant go on living like this. He is 32, im only 24, If this is what i will get for the rest of my life with him then i dont want that.
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:33 PM
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I'm not so objective at the moment as I have a very recent ex A who blames me for everything. Even makes stuff up to hate me. I'm going to tell you at your young age, there is so much more happiness to be had and life to be lived. Don't waste it like this. Get OUT! You have no kids together. Just GO!! As sad as I am now that my relationship has ended and as sad as it makes you to think of ending yours, there is absolutely NO WAY we will remain sad forever. You will be so much happier when you heal from this.

Walking around on eggshells in fear and anxiety is not a relationship anyway. There's nothing there but a history of what once was. I have done this. Staying is just delaying the inevitable and being tortured while you wait.

I hope you find the courage sweetie.

And Welcome!!!
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:51 PM
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He has it pretty good, he gets it all: the drinking, the free daycare (nany service across the pond?), the girlfriend etc. Why would he change his behavior?

It's only going to get worse, read up on the forums and start thinking about you and what rationally makes sense.

"Around about every 6-8 weeks he willl turn on me." welcome to the cycle, the merry go round. It gets worse. Do you want that?

"i felt so low and worthless and full of anxiety. anxiety of when i was doing to do something wrong and cause him to shout at me whilst he is drunk." staying in this relationship is really harming you and killing your self esteem. You don't deserve that, and the fact that you are here posting on the forums is proof that you are actually really strong and have the courage to fight for you =).

Read up, arm your mind, make peace with your decision, in your own time with how you want things...

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Old 06-26-2013, 06:44 PM
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I would second Izzy's advice--you do NOT have to live that way. What is keeping you there? If it is concern about his kids, I suggest you let their mother know what is going on, or if she is no longer in the picture, let child protective services know. A seven-y/o should not be hanging with Dad in the pub ANYTIME, but especially on a school night.
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Old 06-27-2013, 12:00 AM
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Thank you guys, atleast i know know its not me just feeling sorry for myself! When i left work last night i had a text convosation with him. I did it this way and i told him sko too, was because when he is drunk he has an inability to listen to me, and just turns on me.
Let him into a few home truths last night too. Including the three most horrible things he (or anyone) has ever said to me. Two of these being whilst he was drunk. He tells me he fights with me when he is drunk because thats when he has the confidence to so it and because it apparently bothers him more. It usually boils down to somwthing i havnt done around the house. Despite him rarely cleaning or tidying anything himself...
I told him l.night that i dont drink with him because the last time we drunk together he started a row and kicked the fish tank in, that scared me. He just cant see that his attitude when drinking is tearing us apart. Yes he has akways enjoyes a srink, and tells me that i knew that when we got together. Which is true. What i didnt expect was the verbal and emotional abuse when he has had a crap day and a drink. Surely he should work wirh me, not against me!
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:41 AM
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I wouldn't put much stock in that text conversation. It doesn't change a thing.

He is becoming violent on top of everything else. It is a terrible situation for you and for his child. Please try a few Al-Anon meetings. You have a right to a peaceful life, and you have no prospect of that happening right now.
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:46 AM
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We do not tend to give advice . . . but . . .

yep. Go.

What are you waiting for?


Lacing your running shoes?

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Old 06-27-2013, 05:48 AM
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Allow me to echo everyone's advice, here. RUN! I've recently left because of ALL the reasons you list here, including him being too drunk and not responsible enough to look after his own daughter. It WILL get worse. It DOES get worse. The anxiety can be crippling, trust me I know. But it is your body and mind telling you something is terribly wrong.

You deserve more. I never fully believed it when I was with my AXBF. But I believe it now. And it feels wonderful.

Wishing you courage, peace and serenity.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:16 AM
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have had another long chat about things through text. And he rrally doesnt believe he has a problem. I even sent him some stuff i found on the net about alcohol abuse and the symptoms. His reply was get real!
I just want it to go back to how it was. The first year of our r.ship was axazing alcohol and all! If anything he has more days now when he doesnt drink at all but when he does it all goes belly up. So want this to work, but without him thinking he has a problem i dont know what to do. Has anyone brought a partner round? All i keep hearing is how people ran. I dont want to run, but i want it to work. So confused.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:26 AM
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You cannot "bring a partner around." You have no control. I've danced this dance. I beat my head against the wall trying to change him; trying to convince him he has a problem; trying EVERYTHING to hold on to what our relationship was, "alcohol and all." The only person you can change is yourself. He needs to pursue change for himself, and ZenMe raises a good point. Why would he even want that? He's got it all.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:43 AM
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kla, did you read the stickies at the top of the page? What your partner has is a disease that will get progressively worse until HE decides to seek recovery. It has nothing to do with you. It sounds like everything you're doing to make it work should give any relationship a chance at working . . . but not with an alcoholic. He has a partner already and it isn't you, it's alcohol. Be kind to yourself, find an Alnon near you, read as much as you can here.
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:46 AM
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Good luck - wishing you every success - it is a horrible situation but it just isn't YOUR fault.
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Old 06-27-2013, 07:28 AM
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Nope, he's not drinking and fighting w/you b/c of something you didn't do around the house. It's not your fault. It's b/c he is an alcoholic.

As others have said, do some reading on this site. I would also highly recommend that you find an Alanon meeting and go. You'll learn a lot there.

You can surely stay with him as long as you want. However, he will only get worse and worse as time passes. Would you rather find yourself in this situation when you are 34 or 44 instead of 24?

Again, take some time to educate yourself. This is a disease. Love and logic will not affect its course one bit. Until he decides he has a problem and seeks help, there is not a damn thing you can do for him.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but that's the way it is....
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